Chapter Thirteen

2002 – The Northwoods Island City

They sat on the roof overlooking the water, their legs dangling off the side. Jackson’s head was spinning with everything Erin had just told her about what had really happened that last night and the following morning. “So, it was your father who saw us and not your mom? ” she said.

“Yeah. ”

“Why did you tell me it was your mother then? I don’t get it. ”

“Because if I had told you it was my decision to leave you, it would’ve hurt you so much more, Jack, ” she explained sadly. “My mother was the one ultimately to blame for it, so I just said it was her. I didn’t want you to think badly of my father. I knew how much you liked him. You can imagine it was quite a shock for him to see us that way. ”

“I had no idea your father would be against us being together. ” Jackson’s voice conveyed the hurt she felt.

“He wasn’t. ”

Jackson looked at Erin, confusion plain in her eyes. “Then why didn’t you stay with me? ” She couldn’t keep the pain inside. The tears of anguish rolled down her cheeks and she swiped them away angrily.

“When I told you I wasn’t strong enough to deal with my mother, that was true. She was really crazy at that point and neither of us could handle her. ”

“I can’t believe he stayed with her as long as he did. He was too good a man. ”

Erin’s head dropped. “Yeah, he was. This wasn’t his fault, Jack, I promise you. Please don’t feel resentful about him. ”

“Erin, you’re telling me that it was him who made you decide against us, so he wouldn’t have to deal with Katie. ”

“That’s partially true. I guess a part of me was crying out because I wanted my mother to love me unconditionally. ” She shook her head at the futility. “She was a nightmare even after we left, so that idea was quickly quashed. ”

Jackson was tired of the evasions. “What is the whole truth then? ”

Erin’s eyes sparkled with tears. “The fact of the matter was, that night my dad already knew he was sick. His doctor called after we got back from Bosaki’s but he didn’t tell us until we got home. He didn’t even tell my mom, Jack. He knew he was dying, and he could’ve left her to live out his days with me at his side, but he loved her and wanted to live out his time with her! ” Erin’s voice rose with emotion. “When he told me that, I knew I had made the right decision. He and Mom never could’ve stayed together if I had continued to see you. It was already ugly; it would’ve gotten worse. ”

Jackson absorbed the information, unsure how to feel. She knew it hadn’t been an easy decision for Erin. It was too far-reaching a decision for a nineteen-year-old to take on herself. Erin was impulsive, that she knew. Her trip back home when she’d found out about Jackson’s sexuality and then the return trip to the Northwoods were one example. Even though her heart was in the right place, Erin tended to act on emotion, not always thinking things through.

Erin spoke quietly. “You know, even on his deathbed, Dad thought of you. ”

“What do you mean? ”

January 1997

Joe lay on his bed, waiting for death to take him. His body had become unrelentingly weak and he had long since accepted that the cancer would get the better of him. For seventeen months, a horrible guilt had haunted him. Erin had chosen to make his life better instead of following her heart. It was a decision he hated on her behalf. He knew he needed to talk to her about that life-altering day in the Northwoods. It couldn’t be put off any longer.

When Erin came for her morning visit, he asked her to close the door. She did as he asked, then sat down in the chair next to his bed, taking his frail hand in hers. “What is it, Dad? Do you want me to read to you again? ”

“No, Peanut. I need to talk to you about what happened with Jackson. ”

Erin’s face fell and her heart began to race. “What about Jack? ”

“I never should’ve put you in that position. ”

“Dad, it was my…”

“No, it wasn’t, and you know it. ” He stared into her eyes. “Whether or not you realize it, I made that decision for you. I could’ve told you that I would’ve supported you had you chosen to stay with Jack. I could’ve told you that if it got bad, I would take you away from your mother. God, I could’ve said so much to help you…” Tears formed in his eyes.

“Dad, what are you saying? ”

“I’m saying that when I found out I was going to die, all I wanted was for my family to be with me for as long as I had left. God knows your mother and I have had a few rows over the years, but I do love her. We wouldn’t have stayed together if you had chosen Jack. I knew when I saw you two that day that it would break up our family. I was selfish. I wanted us together, even though I knew you were hurting, and for that I will never forgive myself. I didn’t want my last days to be filled with fights with your mother, or between your mother and you. ” Tears streamed down his cheeks and Erin cried with him. “God help me, I didn’t want my last days to be miserable. ” He grasped Erin’s hand. “I know you felt like the one who wasn’t strong, but it was me. I am so sorry, Peanut, for being such a weak man. ”

Erin laid her head on his chest. “Oh, Dad, please don’t do this to yourself, please. I don’t think you were weak at all. You always stuck up for me. ” She cried on his chest. “I don’t blame you for wanting your family around you when you were sick. Who wouldn’t want that? ”

He lifted her head as best he could to look into her eyes. “Can you forgive me? ”

Their watery eyes met. “There is nothing to forgive, Dad. I would’ve done the same thing to keep my family together. ” I did do that. She hugged him as tightly as she dared. “But if you need me to say it, I swear, I forgive you. ”

“Thank you, Peanut. I love you so much. ” They held tightly to one another.

“I love you too, Daddy. ”

“He died that night, ” Erin said, her voice filled with emotion. She looked at Jackson, who had tears streaming down her face. “He just wanted us around him until he died. ” She looked out over the water. “If…If I had to make that terrible decision today, I would do the same. ”

Jackson nodded, knowing that it must have been an awful time for them all. She knew how much Joe’s family meant to him; she could see it in his amazing ability to love Katie despite everything that had transpired.

“I know I hurt you, Jack. God knows I have lived with that knowledge every damn day, and every day I was achingly sorry for breaking your heart. ” She breathed heavily. “But I also know that my heart died the day I left you. Hell, my own husband picked up on that and had to go off to find love in another woman’s bed. Now he’s gonna be a daddy. ” She laughed mirthlessly.

Ouch. “But your mother said you were happy with him. ”

“I’m sure she also told you I was having a grandchild for her, too, ” Erin guessed.

Jackson nodded. “I guess I should’ve learned my lesson with Katie long ago and automatically figured anything she said about you would be a lie. ”

“You must have contacted her right before she called me, because she was drilling into me about how awful I was for going against the Church and why wouldn’t I fight for my marriage. ” She tucked an errant strand of hair behind one of Jackson’s ears. “Seven years later she is still threatened by the thought of you in my life. ”

One thing had stuck in Jackson’s mind. “Going against the Church? You’re divorcing him? ”

Erin nodded. “Yeah. It’s almost finalized. My soon-to-be-ex-husband wouldn’t agree to me keeping the house and that’s all I wanted out of this divorce. When I told him that he’d have more than the house to give me if he contested, he changed his tune. ”

“I’m sure. I’m sorry it didn’t work out for you, Hawk. Seriously, I am. ”

She squeezed Jackson’s knee. “Thanks. There was nothing wrong with him. He was a lovely man until this, kind and giving. It was just me not being able to love him like I should have. No one should have to live in a loveless marriage. I can’t say that I blame him for stepping out, I just wish he would’ve told me he was unhappy. ” She shrugged, wiping the tears from her face.

“Where did you meet him? ”

“He came to one of my art shows. His name is Jeremy, if you wanted to know, ” Erin added unnecessarily as Jackson knew his name all too well. Jackson nodded for her to continue. “Anyway, he was gregarious and sweet, and I liked him instantly. ‘Like’ being the keyword there, unfortunately. I think when we were married I did love him, but it was the kind of love you have for puppies, or something like that. You know—loving their personalities and wanting to care for them. ” She laughed at herself. “I wasn’t in love with him, though, but I guess I wanted to marry him before my dad died, and I’m sure you can guess that my mother was over the moon. ”

“I’m sure, ” Jackson said with a roll of her eyes.

“But five years is a long time to be with someone who doesn’t return your affections. We should’ve split before his infidelity, that’s for certain. It would’ve made the parting better for us both. Well, for me for sure, ” she added with a wink.

Jackson put her arm around Erin. “Thank you for telling me what happened. ”

Erin leaned on Jackson so naturally. “I’m so sorry for breaking your heart, Jack. ”

Jackson held her tighter. “I know, Hawk. I forgive you, ” she whispered and turned to kiss the top of Erin’s head.

They stayed that way for a few moments then Erin softly said, “Jack, after you and I made love that night, I… I felt alive for the first time, I mean, really alive. ”

“So did I. ” Jackson’s voice was rough from crying.

“I’ve never felt that way since, ” she admitted softly.

“Me either. ”

“Jack…”

Before Erin could continue, a voice was heard in the distance calling for Jackson. Both women stood quickly and sped down the ladders to the ground. Cindy’s voice was shouting from the house and Jackson began to run, knowing the desperation in Cindy’s voice could only mean one thing: Jackie.

“What is it? How’s Jackie? ” she panted as she reached Cindy outside of the main cabin.

“She’s not good, Jack. She wants to see you and Erin. Dr. Jones is on her way. ”

Jackson shared a worried look with Erin and they both hurried inside. In the darkened room, the small figure on the bed looked frailer than she had even just a couple of hours before. Her eyes were closed and Jackson’s heart lurched.

“Jackie? ” Jackson rasped, grasping her aunt’s chilled hand.

Jackie’s eyes opened slowly and she gave Jackson’s hand the smallest of squeezes. She saw that Erin was also in the room, standing beside Jackson.

Erin gently patted Jackie’s leg. “Hey, you. ”

Jackie’s voice was almost inaudible, her breathing labored. “I love you both, ” she wheezed. “Thank you for giving me… the best life possible… I was very blessed. ”

Tears falling at Jackie’s farewell, Jackson choked out, “You are the best mother I could’ve hoped for. Thank you for giving me the best life possible. I will always love you. ”

Jackie looked at Erin. “Take care of my little girl for me, will you? She likes to get into trouble… You gotta watch her close. ”

Erin’s tears trickled down her cheeks. “I will, Jackie. I promise I’ll take good care of her. ”

“Thank you. ” She gave Jackson’s hand a final squeeze and drew a last deep, shuddering breath. The alarm on her heart monitor sounded and Cindy rushed into the room. Checking for pulse or respiration and confirming that Jackie had passed, she turned off the machine.

Jackson and Erin wept, leaning heavily on each other. After several minutes, Jackson bent down to place a final kiss on Jackie’s forehead. Erin rubbed her back comfortingly. With a final whispered “I love you, ” Jackson left the room.

Erin took one last look at Jackie’s lifeless form and blew her a kiss from the doorway. Godspeed, Jackie.

When Jackson opened the door to greet her, Doctor Glenda Jones took one look and knew her patient had died. She gave Jackson a sympathetic hug. “I’m so sorry, Jack. She was such a wonderful woman. ”

“Thank you, Glenda. I know you did all you could for her and for that I will be forever grateful. Cindy is in with her now. ”

Noticing Erin, Glenda extended her hand. “I’m Dr. Glenda, or ‘the good witch from the Northwoods’ as Jackie called me. ”

Erin managed a watery smile. “I’m Erin, an old friend of the family. Thank you for giving Jackie such great care. ”

“You’re Erin? ” She looked at Jackson then back to Erin. “I’ve heard your name come up several times. It’s nice to meet you. You are a very well-liked woman in this house. ”

Erin grabbed Jackson’s hand. “Thank you for saying so. ”

Jackson put her arm around Erin and pulled her against her chest. Glenda took that as her cue to check with Cindy about the specifics of her patient’s leave-taking.

Jackson buried her head in Erin’s hair and wept. Erin held her close and whispered words of comfort. When Jackson at length pulled back, she caressed Erin’s face. “Thank you for being here. It meant so much to her…and to me. ”

“Thank you for calling me. ” They shared one final hug before Jackson pulled away to make the necessary phone calls and arrangements.

Three days later, a small group was gathered at Lakeside Cemetery. Jackie’s plot was next to her parents and shared by her twin sister, Emma, Jackson’s birth mother. After sharing their mother’s womb, it was only fitting for them to share this place as well. A commemorative stone was placed in the ground to give those who wanted, a place to visit her.

The service was quite moving. The children from Jackson’s advanced music class came to play Amazing Grace, touching Jackson to the core. Erin wasn’t surprised to see how much Jackson’s students cared for her. She knew the compassionate and loving woman made an impression in some way on everyone she met.

Anyone who was familiar with the family or resort came out to say their goodbyes to the woman who had been so well loved by the community. The Thomases had been a part of the area for many years and most of the community knew them well. Erin had had no luck with trying to find Sandra to tell her about Jackie’s passing. Jackson was actually relieved. Seeing Sandra again might have been too much for her to handle.

It was a beautiful spring day—blue sky and temperatures around seventy degrees. Everyone had a story to tell Jackson as they hugged her or shook her hand and offered condolences. Jackson had invited their close friends to her home after the funeral. A catering company was taking care of all the food and drink. Erin had made all of those arrangements so Jackson wouldn’t have to worry about a thing, except mourning the loss of the woman who’d raised her. After laying a final rose on Jackie’s stone, Erin and Jackson left the other mourners.

She was given Jackie’s ashes, per her request. Jackson knew her aunt’s remains belonged in Lake Tomahawk; it was such a part of her. It only seemed fitting that it serve as her final resting place. Jackson wanted the same when her time came.

When they got back to the house, it was bustling with many faces Jackson had seen most of her life. Cindy, Janet, and Dr. Jones were all in attendance and were the first to greet Jackson.

“Jack, that was a beautiful ceremony. She would’ve been very pleased, ” Glenda said warmly.

“Thank you. I’m glad it was you who took care of her. You guys have known each other since high school and I know how comfortable she was with you. Again, thank you. ” Jackson couldn’t help the tears that seemed never ending.

Glenda leaned over to hug Jackson tightly. “It’s hard to lose patients, but harder when they are friends, too. ” She pulled away and gave Jackson a warm look. “If you need anything, you give me a call, okay? ” Glenda kissed her cheek.

“I will. ”

Similar thanks and respect were voiced by others. Erin was touched by how close Jackie’s team had become with Jackson. She felt silly for thinking that anything was going on between Jackson and Cindy. The thought now was so foreign to her. It was her warmth and compassion that made Cindy a great nurse. There was no question that Jackie had gotten the best possible care.

When the last of the guests left the house, Jackson went outside to get some fresh air. When she looked up, she noticed the flag had been lowered to half-staff.

Coming up beside her, Erin saw what had caught her attention. “They say it’s a sign of respect to a wonderful person when the flag is lowered. Jackie was the best, so I thought it was necessary. ”

Jackson looked at her with wonder. “You really did take care of everything for me. I can’t thank you enough for helping me through this, Hawk. I’ll never forget it. ”

Erin entwined their fingers. “I did a lot to help my mom when my dad died, so I figured I’d go with what I knew. I’m glad you’re pleased with the way things went. ”

Jackson nodded. “I am. Jackie would’ve loved it. ”

Erin tugged on her hand. “You wanna take a walk, get some fresh air in our lungs? ”

“That would be great. ”

The two walked around the property in silence, hands clasped between them. Jackson was turning a thought around in her head and decided that it was as good a time as any to broach it with Erin. “Hawk? ”

“Yeah? ”

“Will you come with me when I sprinkle her ashes? It would mean so much to me if you would. ”

“Oh, Jack, of course I will. You didn’t even need to ask. ” She squeezed her hand. “Just tell me when, and I’ll be happy to go. ”

“When, ” she said softly, to Erin’s amusement.

“Okay, honey, let’s go. ” Erin slipped off her shoes and dangled them from her fingers as they walked toward the boat.

Jackson smiled as she, too, took off her heels before boarding. She wiggled her toes. “Oh, that feels good. ”

Erin boarded the boat and saw that the ashes had already been placed inside. She smiled at the typical Jacksonism: she was never one to put things off when they were painful.

Jackson untied the rope from the cleats and pushed the boat away from the dock. They drifted out slowly to get deeper before starting the engine. Jackson steered the boat to a small cove where she had fished as a child with Jackie and her grandfather. As they approached the lily pads, Jackson killed the engine and dropped the anchor.

The cove was quiet and serene. Every time she’d been there, Erin had been struck by its beauty. It’s the perfect place to sprinkle Jackie’s ashes.

Jackson lifted the brass urn and opened the lid. She motioned for Erin to stand next to her. “This is where my mother’s ashes are, as well. I thought it only right to sprinkle Jackie’s with hers. ”

“It’s a beautiful gesture, Jack. ”

With extreme reverence, they each took a handful of Jackie’s remains and held them over the side of the boat.

“This place has always been a part of you, Jackie. I hope you spend a wonderful eternity here, where you belong. I love you, ” Jackson said through her tears as she sprinkled the ash into the water.

“Jackie, thank you for allowing me to come back into your lives when it truly mattered the most. I promise you that I will take care of Jack for as long as she’ll let me. ” She sprinkled her ashes and added, “And even when she won’t. I love you. Rest in peace. ”

Jackson tipped the urn and gently poured the remaining ashes into Lake Tomahawk. They held the side of boat as they stared into the water until the last of the powder disappeared. Erin rubbed Jackson’s back as her tears fell into the water. After a few more moments, Jackson lifted the anchor and turned the boat toward home.

The ride was peaceful as each was lost in her own thoughts. The day had been very emotional and taxing for Jackson and she knew she wouldn’t have made it through if it weren’t for the woman sitting in the boat with her.

Erin closed her eyes, allowing the breeze to soothe some of her pain. Nothing healed her soul like the Northwoods and she would be sad when the time came for her to return to Chicago.

Jackson docked the craft in the boathouse, disembarked, and hung up the keys. Erin took her hand as they walked barefoot to the pier. The sun had begun to set, creating an amazing palette of colors. The women stayed silent, just watching, until the sun slid below the horizon.

“Do you want to come in for a drink or something? ” Jackson offered. “I’d really just like to decompress for a while. This day was… Whew. ” She blew out a deep breath. “It’s taken so much out of me. ”

Erin squeezed her hand. “I know, honey. Yes, I would absolutely love to come in for a drink and decompress with you. ” She smiled. “Come on. I think I hear the Drachenstein calling my name. ”

“That is a really good Riesling. It’s not too dry and not too sweet. It’s like…the perfect wine. Where did you get it? ”

“A small wine shop in Chicago. I buy it by the case since Howard, the owner, orders it special for me. ”

“By the case? Have you turned into an alcoholic since we last saw each other? ” Jackson asked, only half joking.

Erin snorted. “With my mother you’d think that would be the obvious answer, but no, I just like to have some on hand for dinner parties and such. This is actually the most I’ve had to drink in months. ”

Jackson laughed for the first time that day. “Well, good. I’d hate to have to carry you home. ” God, it’s good to have her here again.

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