Chapter Twenty-Three

155. 8

Why is it, it takes weeks, months to lose weight, but then multiple pounds find their way back on in the matter of days? Forget the part that I’ve been eating too much. That all the good eating habits I’ve learned in the past two months, I left in the park with Tegan. Forget that I haven’t gone running. Haven’t gone to the gym, and don’t want to. Still, it’s depressing that the pounds find me so quickly. It’s really not fair. A broken heart, and gaining weight. What else am I going to have to deal with?

Not Mom because she hasn’t tried to talk to me.

Not Tegan because he hasn’t contacted me either. Well, unless you count the “Happy Birthday, Annabel Lee” text I’ve stared at over and over.

Not Dad. He gave up trying to talk to me two days ago, though I’m sure with today being my birthday, I’ll have to face him sometime. I don’t care how pathetic I

am. That I’m in bed on my birthday because my life is such a mess. It is what it is. But still, I miss him. Miss him more than I thought I could miss someone.

A cry seizes me. I haven’t cried since the first day. I don’t know why it’s coming out again, but I let it flow without trying to fight it. It’s the only thing I seem to have control over. Rolling over, my back is to the door as I hug a pillow. Does he miss me too? Did he really love me? How is Timmy, Dana? Does she know?

My cries only pause when I feel the arm that wraps around me, the girl that curls up behind me. It only takes that quick pause for me to know who it is and I start to cry harder. There are no words while I let it out. We don’t need words. But once my tears finally dry, she speaks anyway.

“I was jealous, Bell, ” Em whispers. “Jealous you had someone else when I didn’t. Scared you would realize you didn’t need me anymore. I’m a terrible friend and

I’m so sorry. ”

“No, ” I roll over and face her. “You’re not a terrible friend. People make mistakes. It all started because I wasn’t honest with you. ” It feels so good to see her. To have her here. To not feel alone. “I missed you, Em. ”

“Me, too. I missed you so much. I don’t want to fight about whose fault it was. I just want to forget it. I want to be best friends again. ”

“We never weren’t best friends. We always will be. ”

She smiles at me. “I’m sorry you’re hurt. Do you want to talk about it? About him? I never gave you the chance to tell me anything about him and I want to

know. ”

For the first time in days, I smile too. The coolest part is I actually feel it as well. I start to talk. I start from the beginning. I tell her about my first day at the gym, how Tegan talked me into staying and about his family. Our awkward first workouts together, how he showed me how to box when I felt bad, hitting him, and my

first weigh in.

She laughs in all the right places. Smiles in all the right places and I’m doing the same. We talk about when I started to fall for him, our first date, first kiss, the jogs in the park, his support, the party, saying I love you, and about being with him. I don’t give her all the details, because they’re ours. Something Tegan and I will always share.

It’s amazing how good it feels to talk about him. How I realize that even though we’re over, what we had was true. You can’t fake that. I still love him and I really believe he loved me too.

“I’m sorry I didn’t get to meet him. Even though he hurt you, he sounds like a good guy. ”

“Perfect, ” I start to say, but cut myself off. I realize now, he’s not perfect. He was right about that all along and it’s not fair that I ever tried to make him feel that way. No one’s perfect. He has issues just like me. It sucks to come to this realization now. Showing his imperfections in the park that day about killed me, but now it beats more life into me. Tegan’s not perfect. He’s just a guy. A gorgeous, sweet, wonderful, guy, but just a guy all the same.

He has fears, insecurities and regrets. He hurt me more than anyone ever has, but he loved me better than anyone ever did, too. “He is a good guy, ” I finally say.

“I miss him. ”

“I’m sorry. ” She snuggles closer to me. We’re still lying in my bed. It’s like old times. Where we talk into the night. Best friends.

“He told me I need to talk to Mom. Tell her how I feel. ” Has he ever told Tim or Dana how he feels? Opened up to them?

“He’s right, Bell. I’ve always thought that. I mean, I think she’s the Wicked Witch, but I do think she loves you. In her own, screwed up, crazy way. ”

I’m not sure I agree, so I change the subject. “What made you come? ”

“Your dad. He called and said he thought you needed me, so I came. But I’m not changing the subject so easily. Are you going to talk to her? ”

I know I need to talk to her. Need to talk to Dad too. I need to get out of this bed. Try and get on track. I wanted to lose weight before Tegan, so I should still want it after. It shouldn’t hinge on him. But it does. “There are so many things I need to do, but it’s hard. He always made me feel like I could do anything. It’s so much easier with him. ”

Em sits up. “I don’t want to fight with you and I love you, but that’s bullshit. If you want it, you need to do it for you. No one else. When are you going to realize you can do anything? ”

Her words are eerily familiar. Tegan said the same thing to me so many times. It’s like two on one, only these two people are both on my side. Tegan and I may

be over, but I know his words were true. Or maybe I just want them to be true.

Before I can keep thinking about it, Em continues. “What did Tegan do for you that you couldn’t do for yourself? ”

“He…” Gave me a meal plan, but I’m the one who followed it. He gave me a workout routine, but I’m the one who did it. With him, yes, but still, I was out there.

He supported me, but I have Em or Dad who will do that for me. And maybe I can even do it for myself. He believed in me, something I want to do in myself.

Something maybe I can learn to do for myself. “Well…”

There were so many things Tegan did for me. I will never be able to pay him back for them, but they were tools. Tools that would have meant nothing if I hadn’t

used them. What would they have meant without my sweat? My tears? My determination? How many times did he talk about how determined I was, but am I really?

I’ve tried to be, but here I am, lying in bed for days, throwing away every tool he gave me, all the hard work I put in.

“That’s what I thought. ”

I sit up in my bed and hug Em. “It’s one thing to realize something and it’s another to change it. ”

“And you will. ”

That little surge of excitement I felt when I lost weight returns. The stinging in my muscles, or my war wounds as Tegan would call them. How they hurt, but in a good way, because they showed my hard work. I remember jogs I took without Tegan and how they felt even better than the ones I took with him, except in a

different way. All the things I did and how freakin’ good they felt. How even though it took me three times, I made my way into Let’s Get Physical. I’m going to

make it again. I’m going to do this. “Yeah, I will. ” But first, I have to find a way to make it over my first hurdle.

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