Chapter Twenty. SECRETS AND LOVE

Chapter Twenty

SECRETS AND LOVE

Before we do anything, I text Dad, tell him I’ll be home tomorrow and tell him not to worry. I know he won’t be happy, but I think he’ll understand. Okay, maybe

understand isn’t the right word, but he’ll see why I can’t be home with her tonight. Or maybe I’m delusional, which is why I turn my phone off so I won’t get any texts demanding me to come home. This way, I don’t have to directly disobey an order. It’s not my fault my battery died. Or so my excuse will go.

We throw a quick dinner together, interrupted only by a slight food fight that I swear I didn’t start. The mustard accidentally flew off the butter knife and hit him.

Totally not my fault, but I’m still a little miffed Tegan got to be the one to end it. Stupid boys.

“I’m a mess and I have no clothes to wear. ” It looks like you could make a sandwich out of my shirt there’s so much mustard and mayonnaise on it. Food isn’t a

real flattering look, by the way.

“Come on. I’ll get you one of my shirts. ”

I follow Tegan to his room. He pulls a plain white t-shirt out of his drawer and tosses it at me. Instantly I wonder if it will smell like him. Like his ocean and soap, but I don’t want to look like a weirdo by taking a sniff.

“You can change in here. I’ll go clean up your mess. ”

“My mess? ”

“Yep, ” he teases and then he’s gone, leaving the door open behind him.

I stare at the opening and wonder if I should close it. There’s no one here except the two of us and he knows I’m changing so he probably won’t come back in.

That’s when it hits me. I wouldn’t care if he came back in. If he saw me in a way no other boy had before. Actually, I want him to. You’d think that realization would surprise me, but it doesn’t. It’s already nuzzled up inside me and taken residence there. This need to share something with him, to see a part of him and show him a part of me.

Gah! I’ve totally turned into a horny teenage boy!

Rolling my eyes, I pull my shirt over my head and slide his on. It’s tight over my chest, which is embarrassing. I look like I might burst out of it, but I’m surrounded in his scent, in something that’s his, so that’s what I try and focus on.

“Kitchen’s clean. I need to change my shirt too real quick and I’ll wash them both. ” He has his back to me as he grabs another shirt out of his drawer. He rips off the dirty one and tosses it in the basket next to him. My breath hitches. I’d forgotten what he looks like without a shirt. All tight, golden skin. The tattoo on his arm.

The way his shorts aren’t overly baggy, but enough that I still get to see his strip of boxers.

“Toss your shirt in the basket, ” he’s turning as he talks to me. A smile tilts half his mouth. “Are you checking me out, Annabel Lee? ”

After all this time, I shouldn’t, but I blush.

Tegan walks over to me. “You can look all you want, ya know? Look or don’t look. It’s all up to you, but I can say, if the situation were reversed, I’d definitely want to explore every part of you. ”

A baseball slides down my throat. I want. Believe me, I totally want, but all of a sudden, those pesky nerves shove their way in. I’m scared if I do touch, I won’t want to stop and I need to warm myself up to the idea a little more. “I want to…to know every part of you too, but maybe…I’m sorry—”

He quiets me with his mouth. It’s not the kind of kiss I’m used to from him. There’s no tongue. No open mouths tasting each other, just a quick, hard push of his lips against mine. “Shh, no excuses, no apologies and no pressure. ” He pulls the shirt over his head and I instantly miss the sight. “Now come on. I need you to show me how to work the washer. ”

It’s an excuse and I know it. I’ve seen the way Tegan and his family are together and there’s no way this boy doesn’t wash his own clothes, but I’m glad for the

distraction.

We start the laundry and then eat our soup and sandwiches. Tegan grabs a set of cards and I beat him two out of three games of Rummy. He pretends to be all

surly about it and I pretend to gloat.

“Wanna watch a movie? ”

I tell him yes as we sit on his couch. Tegan grabs the remote and we go through the movies and buy one of the new release comedies.

“What are you doing way over there? ” Tegan pats the couch beside him and I close the two feet we’d had between us. When he puts an arm around me, I nuzzle

against him. “That’s better. ”

I giggle. Stupid, giggle.

It’s hard for me to pay much attention to the movie. I laugh at a few places, but not as many as he does. I can’t stop focusing on the way his fingers are drawing circles on my arm. The way he holds me like he wants nothing more than for me to be next to him. I still can’t believe it. Out of all the girls he could have. Girls like Pammie, he’s chosen me to hold. Me to watch a movie with, to jog with, to kiss and talk to. It’s me he says he loves. The first and only guy I’ve ever loved loves me too. How did I get here?

I’m so lost in thought. So lost in Tegan that I don’t realize the credits are rolling until he talks to me.

“You’re quiet over there. Are you thinking about your mom? ”

Ugh, I wasn’t, but now I hear all her words again. All the comments she’s made to me over the years. The way I’m good enough for Tegan, but not for her. “I

would have done anything to make her happy. For her to like who I am, but now…it’s like I realize it’ll probably never happen. ”

“Hey. No. ” He turns and so do I. We’re looking at each other now. “She loves you. That stuff she said to me? That’s because she wants to make sure I’m not

screwing around with you. I just, I don’t know. I don’t think she really knows how to talk to you, or something, but don’t think you’re not good enough. And don’t ever think she feels that either. ”

Everything inside me perks up at his words. They’re comforting even though I’m not sure they’re true. “She likes things perfect. I’m not perfect. ”

“Who the fuck is? I know I’m not. All we can do is the best we can. You’re incredible, Annabel Lee. The way you are with Timmy. The basketball with him and

the card games. The way you keep me around even though I don’t tell you nearly the things you tell me. It’s impossible to know you and not see how incredible you are. ”

He’s wrong. He is perfect. It’s on the tip of my tongue to tell him, but he speaks before I can. “You should talk to her. Really talk to her. Tell her how you feel and let her be real with you. I’ll bet you guys will figure out you have more in common than you think. And if you don’t, screw it. You did what you could so it’s all on her. ”

“No way. I can’t talk to her. There’s no talking to my mom, Tegan. She only sees what she wants. Plus, I’m so mad at her right now, I don’t think I ever want to

talk to her again. ”

Smiling at me, he shakes his head. “Well for the record, I’m on team talk to your mom. You’ve come so far, baby. I think your last roadblock is her. ”

And she’ll steamroll me right to the ground. I know that. “I don’t want to talk about her. ”

He looks at his cell phone. “It’s getting late. Want me to take you home? ”

I don’t want to go home. I want him. I love him and everything inside me wants to take that next step. Not to show him I love him because I think we’ve both

shown each other how we feel. We both know how we feel, but I want something physical. Another thing that’s only ours. “I texted my dad and told him I’m not

going home tonight. ”

Suddenly, it’s Tegan who looks nervous. He bites his lip, his eyes huge pools of brown that are on me. “I get you all night? ” You can hear how he tries for light, but the way his voice cracks, the truth breaks through. He’s just as nervous as I am. Has he done this before?

“Yeah. If you want to bring me home, I understand. I just…”

“I want you here, Annabel. You have to know that. ” Without another word, he stands up, turns off the TV and makes sure his front door is locked. Walking back

over to me, he holds out his hand. I take it, locking our fingers together as we head back to his room. This time, he closes the door behind us, locking it. It’s so strange how you can be scared to death, but completely excited. How you can know you want something more than anything else in the world, know how right it is for

yourself, but you’re still freaked out you’re going to screw it up.

“No pressure, ” he says, reading my mind. My heart is seriously beating faster than it ever has, but somehow, when his lips touch mine, its soothing, like a melody my heart is so in tune to, it slows to match the beat.

Our mouths match up perfectly, our tongues dance to mine and Tegan’s music. I know his taste and wonder if mine is as familiar to him. I’ve memorized the feel

of his hands in my hair like they are now. The way he runs his fingers through the strands when he deepens our kisses. It’s so us. So natural the way I always feel with him. Like it’s been carved in the walls of caves millions of years ago, made out in the stars, this moment is destiny. It’s meant to be.

Pulling away, Tegan grabs my hand again and leads me over to the bed. When I sit down, he kneels in front of me, sliding one of my ballet flats off, then the other one.

“We can lie in this bed and hold each other all night, if that’s what you want. I don’t expect anything. ”

“I know. ” Looking down at him, I continue. “Have you done this before? ” I’m not sure why I want to know.

“Yeah. One other girl. But it’s not the same. Nothing feels like we do together. No one feels like you. ” And for the first time ever, Tegan blushes.

“I haven’t. I’m sure you knew that, but yeah, I haven’t. ” With only the slightest fear, fear so small it’s eclipsed by the way I know how right this is, I say. “But I want to. With you. No one feels like you either. ”

He gives me a vulnerable smile. No teasing, no cockiness. Just a boy. Just Tegan.

“Do you have protection? ”

He nods yes, then stands, pulling a foil package out of his wallet and setting it on the bedside table. Next he pulls his shirt off and it lands on the floor. His shorts come off next, kicked into a pile with his shirt. He’s wearing nothing but his boxers, and he’s beautiful. I find my way to my feet, my hands touch his stomach, his chest, his shoulders, his back. I’m exploring him the way he said I could. The warmth of his skin singes my fingers in the most delicious way.

“Can I? ” His hands are at the bottom of my shirt, and they’re shaking gently.

Unable to find words, I nod. Tegan pulls his shirt over my head. I’m in my bra. In my bra in front of a boy and there’s no embarrassment because it’s him and he

loves me and I can do anything with Tegan by my side.

With those same shaky fingers, he pushes the button through its hole, slides down my zipper and my pants are gone too. Now his fingers touch me, my thighs, my

stomach, and it feels so good. Like nothing I’ve ever felt. Like each touch is a vibration flooding out so I feel him everywhere. The brush of his fingers is like a feather tickling me from head to toe. The epicenter of an earthquake. Wherever he touches me is that epicenter, but the aftershocks, the vibrations can be felt everywhere else in my body.

“I want to lie down with you, ” he says against my ear, kissing me there. He leads me into his bed. “Are you sure? ”

“Yes. ”

“Are you scared? ”

“A little. ”

“You’re beautiful. ”

“So are you. ”

Tegan settles on top of me, taking my mouth. He removes my bra and panties. I take off his boxers. There’s more touching, him on me and me on him. We’re

both on an adventure to discover a new land. After so much touching I think I’m going to unravel, he opens the foil package. When we’re protected, he’s above me

again. Our mouths come together and then our bodies, meet in the same way: exploring depths, dancing in unison to a tune that’s only ours.

Finally, we both really do unravel, and we do it together.

***

“Can I tell you a secret? ”

“You can tell me anything. ”

“I know. ” But then he doesn’t. He’s quiet for what feels like a lifetime.

“I’m… I’m mad at Timmy. ” I’ve thought I heard pain in Tegan’s voice before. Thought I heard heartbreak, tenseness, but those times were nothing compared to

the statement he just made. It’s like he had to rip each wordò ut, breaking a part of him in the process.

“Tegan, you’re too hard on yourself. You would do anything for your brother. ” Ugh. What a lame thing to say, but he caught me by surprise and I’m lost—lost on

how to help him through whatever it is he’s dealing with.

“I would. Anything. I’d take his place if I could and, hell, I don’t know. Maybe mad isn’t the right word, it’s just…” His arm wraps tighter around me. “We had

everything, Annabel Lee. I was always running around, having fun, playing sports, getting into trouble. Timmy was only eleven, but loved football. He could throw a ball better than people my age. We were always out practicing, playing together. My parents—they were happy. So happy. We all were. ”

Tiny drops of water roll off his face and onto me. Tegan. The strong, responsible boy who can handle anything is crying and there’s nothing I can do. I want to

make it better for him like he’s done for me. Take his pain the way he would take Tim’s paralysis. But I can’t. All I can do is listen.

“I didn’t even want to fucking play that day, but I went. One hit. One screwed up hit was all it took, Annabel. How does that even happen? How can your body

break that easily? ”

“I don’t know. ” I wish I did. Wish Tegan and his family never had to deal with this.

My tears are now mixing with his. Every part of us has come together now.

“You know what? It’s not Timmy I’m upset with, it’s just the whole thing. One minute we have everything and then we’re the family with the crippled brother

and the dad who ran out on them. How could he do that? ”

Tegan’s voice cracks, the sound shattering me into a million different pieces. I kiss his hair, his cheek, his chest. It’s so small, such a nothing thing to do, but it’s all I have.

“I hate him. I use to look up to him, but I will never let myself be the kind of man he is. ” Tegan seethes. “What kind of person walks away from their family like that? When it gets hard, who just bails like that? ”

It’s then I know the answers to all the questions I’ve wondered about Tegan. “That’s why you do it, isn’t it? That’s why you work so hard. Why you try to be

there for everything with Timmy, help your mom. Your trying to make up for him, aren’t you? ”

I thought I loved him before. Thought I knew what it meant to love someone—to know someone, but at this moment, everything I knew then is so small compared to what I know—how I feel about him now.

“I needed to know that people don’t just walk away… I needed to prove it, to them and to me. That I could be the person he wasn’t—the one they deserved. Who

would take care of responsibilities no matter how hard it is because that’s what you do when you love someone. It’s the right thing to do. ”

“You’re incredible. ”

He shakes his head. “Not really because I’m pissed too. So mad that Dad is out there doing whatever the hell he wants while I’m working like crazy. I’m so pissed about everything that was taken from me. How shitty is that? Timmy is in a wheelchair, but I think about what I’ve missed. ”

Could he take on any more responsibility? “Anyone would feel like that. What matters is you’re doing it. You’re doing it because you love them. ”

Tegan rolls over so he faces me. His finger slides down the side of my face when he speaks. “That first day, when you helped? Part of me was mad because it was

such a small thing to do, helping with the chair, but you did it. Not knowing us you did it, but our own dad took off? You hung out with Mom and Timmy, played

basketball with them. Had fun. You wanted to be there, but our dad doesn’t? ”

Leaning forward, I kiss him, just because I can’t not do it.

“Want to know another secret? ” he asks.

“I want to know anything you want to tell me. ”

He tries to smile at me, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. “I don’t know if I really want to be a physical therapist. I mean, I think I do. I enjoy what I do now even though it’s different. The body really is amazing to me. The things it can do and how it works. I think it’s what I want, but I don’t know. I can’t say for sure and it scares the hell out of me that I’m going to do it, that I’ll sign up for it and realize it’s not what I want for my life, but how can I not? How can I not try and fix Timmy?

It’s like… like it feels like that’s walking away from him just like our dad did. ”

“Oh, Tegan, no one expects you to try and fix it. You can’t change it and I know your mom or Tim wouldn’t want you to jump into something you don’t want. ”

He gives me another smile before pulling my head down so it rests against his bare chest. “The only thing I’m sure about is you. When I’m with you, it’s the only time I feel like I can just, be. It’s the only time I don’t want all the pressure on me. ”

I start to cry again, because as much as I hate to see him hurt, it feels good to know I do something for him. That after everything he’s done, I somehow have a

way to give him something back. “You’re wrong, you know. Earlier you said no one’s perfect. I’m pretty sure you are. ”

His chest vibrates against my cheek when he laughs. “No, but thanks for inflating my ego again. I needed it. I can’t believe I cried in front of you. ”

I trace the muscles in his chest and stomach, trying not to let him just push this aside, to forget himself like he always does. “I mean it, Tegan. No one wants you to try and make up for something that wasn’t your fault. They love you. I love you. Ahh! ”

He flips me over so he’s on top of me again. “I love you, too. ” Then with a mischievous smile that is so him, “Want to do it again? ”

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