Chapter Eighteen

FIGHTING WITH WORDS HURTS MORE THAN FISTS

Talking to Em will be much easier than talking to Mom. At least that’s what I tell myself when I text her that we need to talk. She replies right away and I arrange to pick her up.

“Hey, ” she mumbles when she climbs into my car. The slight catch in that one little word tells me how hurt she is. How left behind she feels because she knows

something is up. That I’ve been doing something without her while using her for an excuse. The word ‘hey’ vibrates through me, causing little waves of guilt to ripple inside.

She doesn’t ask where we’re going and I don’t offer. I know Em and right now, she’s not up for small talk. Or maybe I’m just being all cowardly lion because I’m

honestly freaked out to talk to her. What if she doesn’t understand? What if I’ve ruined the friendship that has saved me so many times because I’ve turned into a liar?

A shudder rips through me because if it happens, I probably deserve it. Em doesn’t need many people in her life, but I know she needs me. By cutting her out of this, she’s going to think I don’t need her in the same way.

Instead of bringing her to our spot, I bring her to mine and Tegan’s jogging place. I know he’s at work, so he won’t be here and I don’t want to risk another ‘near Billy experience’ like we had at the pond last time. Without a word she gets out of the car. I follow, walking to the little hideaway Tegan and I found.

“So? What’s up? I’ve been downgraded from BFF to your excuse to go hang out with whoever you hang out with now? ” Her hood is up and she’s facing away

from me, sitting on top of a picnic table.

My heart is going crazy the way it did on those first runs with Tegan, but for a totally different reason. “You’ll always be my best friend, Em. ” I sit beside her. “I just… I know it sounds stupid and probably makes no sense, but I just needed to keep this to myself for a while. I needed to navigate it on my own without anyone else telling me what to do. ”

“First, I don’t even know what this is. You still haven’t taken the time to tell me and second, when do I ever tell you what to do? ”

I can do this. I need to do this. “It’s not that you really tell me what to do, it’s just…I know you would have tried to talk me out of it and I wasn’t sure I wanted to be talked out of it. I know you care about me, Em. I know you don’t want me hurt, but you’re always there to defend me against Billy. You’re telling me guys are

jerks and never to trust them. You’re telling my mom where to stick it and I love you for it, but this time…I just didn’t want to be told I didn’t have to make changes. I didn’t want you to tell me not to trust him. I was scared to death I’d fall on my face, but I think I needed to take that chance on my own. ”

“Of course it has to be a guy. I should have known, and since when does sticking up for a friend make me a shitty person? ”

“Hey, ” I turn so I’m looking at her. “Don’t do that. I never said you were a shitty friend. I just needed to do something for me. Maybe to prove to myself I can?

Maybe because I was already scared to death that I couldn’t do it, that he would hurt me and I didn’t want to share that with anyone. I don’t know, Em. Maybe it just made it more real, but Tegan. He’s…”

“So is that why you didn’t want me to meet him? Because your new boyfriend is making you work out because he doesn’t think you’re good enough and he

might want me to get a new face, too? ”

Anger shoots through me. “I know you’re hurt, but that’s not fair. Tegan wants to meet you. He’s asks about you so much and he would never make me work

out. He likes me the way I am. He’s not the judgmental type, Em, I swear it. He’s amazing. So amazing that I think…” I’ve hidden so much from my friend lately that I can’t hide this. There’s no one else I want to share it with. “I think I love him. ”

Emily freezes. No movement. I’m not even sure she’s breathing, but then I see her eyes glistening with the familiar shimmer of unshed tears. Suddenly, she pushes to her feet. “Good for you, Bell. You be in love with your non-judgmental boyfriend and keep on forgetting about me. I can’t help but wonder though, if you weren’t worried about what Mr. Perfect would think of me, that maybe you just didn’t want another dirty mark on your reputation. You’re already freaked out about your

weight so I guess you didn’t want to add a screwed up friend into the mix, too. ”

Despite the heat and the anger simmering inside me, ice begins to slither through my veins. My eyes are starting to tear up now too. Shame, guilt, confusion all

tying me up. That’s not true, is it? Was I subconsciously embarrassed of my own best friend? No. No, it can’t be. But maybe it is? I’m not sure I knew it, but she might be right. What kind of person am I? “Em--” My voice cracks and I don’t finish, at a loss of what to say.

“No worries, Annabel. I get it. ” She crosses her arms and looks down. “I’d like you to take me home now. ”

***

“Come on, slow poke. I’m leaving you in the dust back there. I thought we were going on a jog, not a walk. ”

I push myself forward, trying to catch up with Tegan. The fact is, I’m not into it. It’s been two days since my blow-up with Em. Three since the fight with Mom

and I don’t have the guts to talk to either of them. I’m not sure I deserve to ever talk to Em again and my heart can’t take being steamrolled by Mom, because as much as I’d like to think I’ve grown, as much as I say I want to do things on my own and stand up for myself, there’s a part of me that still knows I can’t. Not with her.

“We can’t all be as good as you, Gym Boy. ” I’m so shocked at the words that fall from my mouth that I don’t realize Tegan has stopped running and I slam into

the back of him. “Ouch! Warn a girl, would ya. ”

He turns to face me, his hair all windblown and messy. “We’re back to that now? Calling me Gym Boy? What’s wrong? ”

“Nothing. ” Everything.

“Don’t play games with me, Annabel. I think we’re past that. What’s wrong? ”

Like always, I can’t help myself from leaning on him. For the past month and a half, I’ve done a lot of leaning on Tegan. Too much? I’m not sure, but right now, I need him. Before I know what I’m doing, I’m a blubbering mess. Tears, those big gasping cries that are not cute are echoing through the park and he’s walking, arm around me, to sit me down. Thank God it’s a deserted area, because I can’t hold myself back from spilling it all. I tell him about dinner, Mom, Dad, Em. How I’m the worst friend in the world and how much I miss her. How scared I am to confront Mom. Everything. I even tell him about the pageant. Tegan doesn’t say a word,

letting my verbal river of words break through the dam.

Finally after the hiccup crying is complete and the story told he speaks. “You’re not a bad friend. You love Em. No one’s perfect. I’m not sure you weren’t

embarrassed of her at all, but if you were…I get it. ”

Not him. He doesn’t screw up, I want to say, but I don’t. “She hates me. ”

“She doesn’t hate you. She loves you. She’s worried about you and she’ll forgive you, just like you’ll forgive her. Emily isn’t completely innocent here either. ”

How is it he always makes me feel better? That his words are like law to me? Because I’m still not standing on my own. I’m still doing the right things for the

wrong reasons and I need to learn how to be strong without Tegan. “She’ll forgive me? ”

“Of course. ” He wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me closer. “But you know that. You don’t need me to tell you half the stuff I do. I’m not sure why you

think so, but you know it all right here, ” he touches my head like he did all those weeks ago when he said I needed to believe I could lose weight. “And here. ” He touches my heart again. “When are you going to believe in yourself? To trust yourself? ”

“I’m trying. ” But I’m not sure if I really am or if I’m just pretending to. And him, I’m still confused about something he said. “You get it? How? ”

Tegan drops his head into his hands, rubbing his face. He’s been there for me so many times, in so many ways, that I just want to do the same for him, so I grab

his hand. “What is it? ”

“You know how I said I hate pity? ”

I nod my head.

“It’s such bullshit, because on the one hand I hate it, but on the other… I pity myself. ”

There is so much pain…so much regret in his voice, that it tears me up inside. “Why? ”

“Not now, ” he tries to smile. “You know, ” Tegan looks down at me, still holding me tight. “It’s been way too long since I kissed you. Wanna sneak into the

bushes and make-out? ”

Again, I let him change the subject. “How old are you? I swear, sometimes I think Tim is more mature than you. ”

“But I make you smile. It’s a pretty smile. You should totally do it more often and you should totally kiss me before I pull your hair, or chase you or something.

That’s what little boys like me do when they like a girl, right? ”

I shake my head. “You’re a nerd. ”

He leans closer. “Will the third time be the charm? ”

I don’t have it in me to make him ask again. I let my mouth find his. My tongue sneaks out, needing to taste Tegan. It’s so familiar, the way we move together

now. The way I sense his movements and give when he wants to take, and take what he offers to me. His hand slides down, down until he’s touching my rear. Oh my

God! I’m all sorts of dizzy, feeling little sparks igniting inside me. When his hand slides up again, I’m scared he will pull away, but instead his hand slides under the back of my shirt. We’re skin to skin, his rough fingers somehow smooth as they drift up and down my back.

I want to take him in. Every part of him. And I want to touch him too, so I do, testing the waters by letting my hand drift beneath his shirt. He’s hard where I’m soft. Firm where I’m not, but right now, all I can do is revel in the differences because they make him, him and me, me. These moments, when he’s moaning into my mouth and obviously as lost to sensation as I am, that’s all that matters. Tegan being Tegan and me being me. Together.

“We’re going to get in trouble for indecent exposure if we don’t stop, ” he says against my mouth. “As good as you feel, we have to stop. I’m game with picking

up where we left off later tonight. ”

I groan. “We have to? ”

“Pick up later? ”

“No, stop. ”

“Yeah. If I’m going to meet your parents, which I totally am, you know. I’ve wanted to anyway and now Mommy Dearest gave me a reason. But if we want them

to like me, I probably shouldn’t get us arrested from going at it in public. ” He offers his signature wink.

Going at it? Little firecrackers pop in my belly, but then I realize what he said. “You’d really suffer through a meeting with my mom for me? ”

“Annabel Lee, when are you going to realize there’s not much of anything I wouldn’t do when it comes to you? ”

***

My leg won’t stop bouncing up and down. I seem to have completely lost control over it. Even though I haven’t eaten all day, I’m not hungry. Tegan will be

pissed if he finds out I skipped meals, but honestly, the thought of food makes me want to hurl. I’ve texted Tegan a million times to make sure he doesn’t want to back out. It wouldn’t hurt my feelings, I explained. I would understand. He started off humoring me by telling me he couldn’t wait (which, hello? Has to be a lie. Why would someone be excited to torture themselves with my family? ), but by the end I only get replies like, ‘shut up’ and ‘I’m ignoring you now’.

He has no idea what he’s getting himself into. Mom is rough around the edges under normal circumstances. Add in the fact that we’ve hardly spoken since I

dropped the bomb about having a boyfriend she never thought I could get and I’m a little nervous about sending him into enemy territory without any ammo.

All of this isn’t the only thing making my leg jump up and down like it’s on crack. No. My first boyfriend, the boy I’m pretty sure has kidnapped my heart is

coming to meet my parents. He’s doing it for me. Because he wants to help, because he wants to know everything about me. That’s enough to make a girl go crazy on its own.

Dad comes around the corner and into the entry way that’s become my home for the past fifteen minutes just as the doorbell rings. I jump, fidgeting with my

hands.

“Relax, pumpkin. You’re not going up against a firing squad here. ”

Funny he seems to subconsciously realize Tegan and I will be under fire too.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me. ”

“You’ll be fine. ” He slides his hand down the side of my head and kisses my temple. “I’m the one who should be freaking out here. My little girl is bringing a boy home. In some ways, it’s every father’s worst nightmare, but you know what? I figure I’m pretty lucky because my little girl is an incredible young lady with a good head on her shoulders. If she likes a guy enough to bring him home, I know he has to be pretty special. ”

I blink to hold back tears. “I love you, Daddy, and he is. He’s almost as special as you. ”

The bell rings again. “Go on. Answer the door and stop trying to suck up. ” His voice cracks and I know he realizes what I’m saying.

Shaking my hands as though I can make all the nervous energy fall out of me, I step forward and open the door. And I can hear it now, the scoffs people would let loose if they heard my thoughts because two months ago, I would have done the same thing. But seeing him there—Tegan with his blond waves, his electric smile and those eyes that always see more than I want to show —makes me forget to be nervous.

The way he steps toward me, kissing the opposite temple than my father just did, but in a completely different way. The way his hand lingers on my waist. It all

makes me feel like I can face any army, any enemy as long as he’s by my side.

“We ready for this? ” he whispers into my hair.

“We’re ready for anything. ”

One quick squeeze to my waist and a kiss to my hair later, he steps away from me, holding his hand out for Dad. “Hey, Mr. Conway. I’m Tegan. It’s great to

finally meet you. ”

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