Chapter Twenty-Two

Chapter Twenty-Two

ALONE

I’ve always known news travels fast in Hillcrest, but I didn’t realize how fast until Mom comes home livid, the same night of Tegan and Billy’s fight. I haven’t let go of my cell phone all day, hoping, praying for a text or call from Tegan. I hope he isn’t hurt badly. I can’t stop wondering what I did wrong and if I somehow made him stop loving me.

“Annabel! We need to talk. Now! ”

I push my empty bowl of ice cream aside, yep, ice cream. It’s always been my comfort, until Tegan was. Today, I need a little comfort. “Why? We’ve never

talked before so what’s the point now? ”

She gasps and I’m a little proud of myself. “I’m going to ignore that. Can you imagine my embarrassment when three of my friends called me today to let me

know your hoodlum boyfriend attacked Betty’s son? ”

There’s no point in trying to set her straight so I don’t. “No, but I’m sure you’ll tell me. ” I pick up my bowl and head back to the kitchen. Of course, Mom

follows.

“I’m not sure when you decided it’s okay to talk to me like this, but I can assure you, it’s not. And I won’t have you dating someone who’s violent, Annabel. If he attacked a nice boy like Billy, he could turn that violence on you. ”

I sputter, dropping the bowl to the floor, ignoring the shatter of glass. “Tegan would never hurt me. He’s not violent. Did you ever think for one minute to ask my side of the story? That maybe he was protecting me? That maybe Billy hasn’t always been so nice to me? Ninety percent of teenage boys have probably been in a

fight, Mom. It doesn’t make them violent, women-abusing jerks. ”

“Your relationship with him is over and what on Earth would Billy do to you? ”

I notice how she brings it up second. Her most important issue being Tegan, not the possibility Billy has ever done anything wrong to me. “Well, thank you for

your opinion, but no. I love him and I’m not breaking up with him. ”

Mom’s face pales. “Oh, Annabel. You don’t love that boy. ”

Heat engulfs me. “Oh, really? I wasn’t aware you know or care anything about how I feel. ”

It shocks me when she steps forward. “I’m only saying this because I don’t want you to get hurt and he will hurt you, Annabel. You might think you love him, but

it’s just because he’s the first boy to ever show you attention. You’re breaking up with him. Hate me all you want, but I’m doing it to protect you. ”

Ugh. I’m so tired of crying. Tired of tears and pain. Open your mouth, I tell myself. Tell her you’re tired of her assuming no one will want because you’re not

perfect. That you’re tired of not being good enough for her. But I can’t. I still can’t and it makes me hate myself even more. “I’m used to being hurt by now, Mom. I’ll take my chances. ” With that, I run up the stairs and into my room. Alone again.

***

The next morning, I pull up at our spot for my jog with Tegan. He’s already there waiting for me, his arms crossed as he leans against his car. One look at him, the way his eyes are looking at the ground and not me, the way his shoulders are slumped over and I know. There’s a huge part of me that wants to put the car in reverse and pull away. If I don’t give him the chance to say it, it won’t be true, right?

But I can’t. I try and gather up any courage I can, the stuff that made me shove Pammie, the strength that helped me fall in love with him and use it to push myself out of the car. “Hi. ” We usually say hey, why did I say hi?

“Hi. Sorry about yesterday. ” There are too many apologies between us lately. It’s not what we’re about.

“It’s okay. ” But it’s not.

“No, it’s not. ”

“You’re right. I need to work on that, I guess. ” It’s something else for me to add to the list. “My mom already found out. She freaked out. She wants me to break up with you. ” Did I really just say that?

Tegan’s eyes close and he lets out a heavy breath. His hands are shoved deep into his pockets. Jean shorts. He’s wearing jean shorts and not basketball shorts. He always runs in basketball shorts.

I fight to keep my feet firmly planted to the ground. “Just say it, Tegan. ”

He looks at me, something in his eyes I can’t decipher. Looks like pain, but if it is, why is he doing this? “Maybe she’s right…”

I knew it was coming, maybe even before the past couple days. This is what I expected, right? I never thought it would last. But still, pain pierces through my

chest with such strength I want to fall over. It spreads over me, slowly taking over my body until it’s all I feel. All I know.

“I mean, it’s not you. Not us. I still love you, but…”

“But what? ” Please don’t say it. Change your mind. Tell me I’m good enough. Tell me you want me forever. That I was wrong and we can last. That we will.

“I lost my job. I know that’s not your fault. It’s mine, but it’s just one more thing. I need that job for the money. To help Mom and for school. And Timmy. I

missed his appointment. I never would have done that before, but I did. And they got in a wreck and I wasn’t there. ”

“What? Oh my God. Are they okay? ” Not Tim, not Dana.

“They’re fine. It was minor, but still. I wasn’t there. ” He’s pacing and rambling. I’ve never seen him so shook up before. I want to go to him, hug him and make it better, but my feet won’t move.

“Mom was exhausted and I was laughing with you. She almost fell asleep and went off the road. They could have died or been hurt and I was making love to

you. I should have been there. If I had been there, I would have been driving. ” He drops to the curb, hands buried in his hair, his knee bouncing up and down. “What would I have done if they got hurt? It’s my job to take care of them, Annabel. ”

I’m pulled in so many different directions. I want to run and pretend this didn’t happen. Hug him and tell him we can work it out. Yell at him to open his eyes and realize he’s not a superhero, but I can’t. I can’t make myself do any of it.

“I’m so sorry… I…”

His head jerks up at me. “It’s not your fault, it’s mine. That’s how it started with him too. Missing appointments. Not coming home. I can’t… I just can’t. ”

I kneel next to him, needing to be closer. “We can slow down. I know you need time. ” Something… anything not to lose him.

Tegan pulls away. And it hurts. I’m usually the one pulling away. He’s always getting closer, always reeling me in, but now he’s the one drifting and I don’t think I can pull him ashore. “You deserve so much better than that, Annabel Lee. I just… I have to. It’s… it’s the right thing to do. ” He cups my cheek and I know I’ve lost him. Leaning forward he presses his lips to my forehead too quickly and then he’s to his feet. Walking away.

And then I’m alone. Broken and not good enough still.

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