CHAPTER SEVEN

CHAPTER SEVEN

As much as she hated to admit it, Caroline dreaded the approaching wedding. Not because she wasn't happy for her father and Morwenna, but because she couldn't help comparing it to her own ill-fated one. It was going to be held in the same church, the ceremony performed by the same vicar, the reception in the same parish hall.

She knew her family couldn't help making comparisons either, although they were careful not to mention it in her hearing. The sudden silences when she walked into a room, the pitying looks, the careful conversations made her want to scream. Finally she began taking long solitary walks along the cliffs to ease the situation. If nothing else, it would remove her dampening presence for a little while.

She couldn't come right out and say to them; 'Look, it doesn't really hurt any more. Go ahead and make your plans. Be happy. Talk about it openly. Don't let me stop you.' No, she couldn't say that. For one thing, her vehemence would shock them. For another, it wouldn't be true. Talk of weddings did make her nervous. It made her sense of humiliation immediate instead of letting it stay in the past. As hard as she tried, there was no way to forget that she had been left waiting at the church with her hopelessly romantic dreams of 'happily ever afters' crumbling in ruins around her. Philip was dead and there was no way to find out why he left her without a word of explanation. The only one who could tell her. was her father and it had been so traumatic for him she couldn't risk bringing it up again. She told herself it was for the best that she didn't know. She'd just think of it as one of life's mysteries.

So she took to walking. Sometimes Steven tagged along, sometimes Tim and the dog. Most often she was alone.

There was something so soothing about nature, she thought, shoving her hands deep in the pockets of her jeans. The water swirled about the huge granite boulders at the bottom of the cliffs this sunny afternoon toward the end of July. The sky was a brilliant blue with small tufts of white clouds looking oddly fragile in the endless enormity of space before her. The grass was rough beneath her feet and for a distance, where the path ran close to a little-used road, colourful wild flowers grew with abandon, tumbling down the cliff to the bay. All alone, Caroline followed them and took off her shoes and wiggled her toes at the edge of the rippling water. The wind was whipping the surface into a splashing white foam and sunlight scattered itself across the waves like liquid diamonds. Sea gulls screamed overhead, raucously wheeling and soaring against the sky. The tang of the salt-laden air filled her senses with pleasure.

How much longer would she be free to indulge herself like this, she wondered. The wedding was tomorrow and she made up her mind to leave after that. But where would she go? She was unemployable, fit for nothing. If only people still sought governesses, she thought, and then she had to laugh at herself. That was no help. The Cornish School Board would have something to say about her lack of qualifications.

She aimlessly kicked at the spray of an oncoming wave. If only she was a heroine in a novel. Why couldn't she be a Jane Eyre on her way to a happy ending at Thornfield Hall? Why couldn't David be an Edward Rochester? Her mouth twisted. Why couldn't it be that simple ...?

She didn't know what made her sense she wasn't alone any more but turning around and looking up, she saw David standing at the edge of the cliff watching her. Surprise rippled through her, as if thinking about him could suddenly make him appear, and then, inexplicably, she became angry.

He easily loped down the boulder-strewn cliff and drew near, his handsome face inscrutable. 'Hello, Caroline,' he said quietly. The clear blue of his eyes matched the bright summer sky behind him.

'Have you been following me?' she accused.

'Now why would I do that?' His soft tone of voice didn't change nor did the small smile hovering at the sides of his mouth.

Her anger swiftly turned to embarrassment. 'I ‑' She couldn't find an answer and to her chagrin, mortified colour began to run up her neck. She stood there at a loss, hungrily drinking in the exquisite shape of his tall body in jeans and a blue homespun shirt. A lock of hair had fallen across his forehead and she had the absurd urge to reach out and smooth it back and feel the warmth of his skin and the silky softness of his hair against her fingertips. She was assailed by a familiar bursting in her heart, a yearning she had to learn to control. 'I'm sorry. I don't know why I thought that.'

'It's an honest enough mistake.' He bent down and picked up several small pebbles near her feet. 'Do you mind if I join you?'

He was looking at her bare feet and her toes involuntarily curled and dug into the gravelly silt. She felt gauche all of a sudden, as if she'd been caught doing something wrong. 'No, of course not.' The nonchalance she tried to project became more of a breathless stammer. She twisted her hands behind her back to keep them from blindly reaching out to him of their own volition.

He laughed softly and took off his boots. 'Nothing like paddling on a beautiful summer day, is there?'

It was a question but he didn't expect an answer. He was looking out to the horizon, skipping stones across the water with the breeze full in his face, the collar of his shirt flapping against his back. By the looks of him, pleasant thoughts were occupying his mind and Caroline stood silently beside him, trying to stop the rapid drumming of her heart that assaulted her every time he was near.

Why did he have to be so handsome? It really wasn't fair to all the other men in the world. She tried to picture Philip, to compare them, but his face remained a hazy blur. All she could see was David's profile, the softly blowing sandy hair, the fine crinkling lines at the corner of his eye, the fascinating bump on the bridge of his nose, the compelling line of sensuality sculpting his lips.

He slowly turned to her and smiled, a gentle smile as if he knew she'd been studying him and he didn't want to startle her.

Her colour mounted and she wanted to say something to cover her embarrassment but all of a sudden her mind went completely blank. All she could do was stand there like an idiot looking at him. Something began to splinter inside her when she thought that all too soon she'd be leaving him. How could she live without him? How could she even think of going away and never seeing him again?

'Morwenna tells me you're leaving,' he said in a husky voice.

She swallowed hard and dropped her eyes almost guiltily. He knew how she felt, that she didn't really want to go. How could he walk around in her mind like that? It wasn't fair. She never knew what he was thinking. 'That's right,' she breathed. 'I have to go.'

'Why?'

'What do you mean, "why"?' She shrugged her shoulders and tried to sound flippant but it was to stall for time. She couldn't tell him it would break her heart to stay and see him married to Sharon. And if she tried to make up some excuse, he'd see through it in a minute.

'I never thought you'd run, Caroline,' he said roughly. 'I always thought behind that stubborn streak you had a quiet steady strength but I'm wrong, aren't I?' His voice shook and the sound made her look up, startled. He went on raggedly: 'You're a fool, do you know that? A fool!'

She knew that. He didn't have to tell her. Pain shimmered in her eyes and she started to turn away but his fingers gripped her chin, pulling her face up to look at him.

'All you do is mope around feeling sorry for yourself. Do you think you're the only woman who was ever jilted?'

She didn't want to hear any platitudes about putting the past behind her. 'Leave me alone!'

His hands moved to grasp her upper arms and pull her close to his tall lean length. 'No! Somebody's got to make you see you're not really a martyr. Philip didn't love you and you know it. He was a weakling. All he thought about was himself. He doesn't deserve to have you pining away for him. You never had the chance to know what love really was.'

'You don't know ‑' the tears gathering in her throat choked her, cutting off what she wanted to say, then they welled up to her eyes before spilling over.

'Oh, Caroline.' His hands tightened and a white ring of pain twisted his lips. 'I do know. If he really loved you, he would have been a haven of security for you. He wouldn't have left you alone and open and vulnerable to all the calumnies of this world. He would have told you why he couldn't marry you then he would have stayed and made sure you were protected from the gossip that was bound to follow. He would have waited before leaving for America.'

Something in his voice reached her and made her stiffen abruptly and stare up at him in confusion. Her eyes suddenly widened and were distended and glazed with tears. 'You know, don't you?' she whispered. 'You know why he left me. I know you do!'

He helplessly pulled her against him and pressed her face into his shoulder, shuddering, his warm heavy hands gently stroking her hair. 'Oh, Caro, Caro. I don't know why he left you. I could only guess and that wouldn't be fair to him or to you. Just put it behind you. Remember only that he didn't love you.'

Her rigid body was clenched to his and she was so tempted to sob out her anguish and frustration but she couldn't take advantage of him like that. Somehow she had to restrain the impulse. It was unworthy of her. A long minute later she pulled herself together again. Dragging a hand across her face, she breathed deeply, thankful that David's presence was so undemanding. He just stood there with her draped all over him, not saying anything. A true gentleman, she thought. He was letting her search for her scattering dignity and find it without making, her feel stupid. She only hoped Judith had appreciated what a gem of a husband ...

The thought screeched to a halt and she stopped dead, practically goggling into David's face with wide stretched eyes. A fine quivering ran through her and she felt hot and cold at the same time. Her heart began to pound with fast ragged thumps. Her arms involuntarily went up around his back again. 'That's what you did for Judith, isn't it? That's why you can say Philip didn't love me with such conviction. You weren't like him. You didn't leave Judith. You were her security. By taking her to America you were trying to protect her from wagging tongues.'

He closed his eyes on a spasm of remembered pain and dropped his arms and took a step backward. But she had her arms clasped around his back and stayed with him.

'Oh, David, Mrs Trerhyn from the post office told me there was all kinds of gossip when you married Judith so quickly—even your father-in-law, Sir James ‑' She broke off, nearly choking. 'But she never believed it for a minute. She said she knew you were too much of a gentleman to ever compromise Judith.'

His head went back and he smiled silently at the sky. 'So, I wasn't a beast in everyone's eyes after all. Well, well, well. Someone actually gave me the benefit of the doubt. After all this time, it's nice to know.'

Caroline stared at him and tried to see into his eyes but he wouldn't look at her. Putting her hands to either side of his face, she pulled his head down to her. 'Who is Steven?' she said fiercely.

He stiffened. A cold mask began to move over his features. His mouth hardened and his jaw jutted forward. 'He's my son.'

'Because you gave him your name not because you gave him life.'

'Leave it, Caroline.'

'No. I don't want to leave it. Who is he? You married Judith to protect her and her child, not because you were her baby's father.'

He reached up and pried her hands loose, keeping them crushed in his, his mouth set in implacable lines. 'Forget it.'

'How can I forget something like that?'

'It's none of your business, that's how!'

Her head jerked back as if he'd struck her and her breath bubbled harshly in her throat. 'Oh!' she said in a stunned voice. 'What's the matter with me? Of course, I had no right to even ask you such a thing!'

Shame and embarrassment and self-recrimination swirled through her mind and she started to turn away but he stopped her, tightening his hands and sighing in apology. 'No, don't say that. You, of all people, have a right to ask. I know it's not just idle curiosity with you. I think you love Steven almost as much as I do. I've just ...' he breathed deeply, '. . . never been able to talk to anyone about it before.' He squeezed her hands once more, staring into her face for a long minute before letting her go and turning back to face the constantly churning water.

Her heart went out to him. If only there was something she could say. But all she could do was stand there helplessly, knowing she really had no right to say anything. She was wrong to go stirring up these painful memories for him. 'I'm so sorry,' she whispered.

He didn't hear her. His sight was turned inside himself and unbearable hurt stood out in the slumping line of his wide shoulders. 'It was a long time ago,' he said quietly, murmuring almost to himself. 'Judith came to me and asked for help and I couldn't let her down. She was engaged to my best friend, Jason Caine, at the time. But she said if she went to him or to her father, they would never understand. They were too crazy about her. They had put her on a pedestal and it would kill them to find that she was human after all.' He slid his hands through his hair and bunched them at the back of his neck. 'She was pregnant,' he said in a toneless voice, 'and the man wouldn't marry her. So I did. I tried to let her keep her respectability and tried to let Jason and Sir James keep their illusions.'

'Oh, David!' Shattered by such selfless generosity, she could feel the tears clogging her throat and blinked rapidly to keep them from springing to her eyes.

'Don't feel sorry for me,' he said. The wind loosened her braid and blew her long hair into his face. He curled his fingers around it, wiping it out of his eyes, letting the silky strands cling to them. 'Jason didn't speak to me for a long time after that but we finally sorted it out and now we're friends again. I was even best man at his wedding earlier this year. Some day the time will be right to talk to Sir James. Until then ...' He shrugged and let the thought hover. 'Judith's dead now but I've never regretted helping her. If I had to do it all over again, I'd do the same thing. And look what she gave me: her son to call my own. What more could a man ask for?'

The noble words were full of humble simplicity and it made her want to sob. No other man would see only the good and be content with that. His sensitivity touched her and made her love him even more. A terrible yearning shivered through her until it actually became a physical ache.

'I keep making you feel bad,' he said gently, turning and looking at her before hooking an arm around her shoulders and gathering her close, 'but I don't mean to. I just want you to know you're not alone. You're not the only one trying to live down gossip. For whatever it's worth, I'll be there tomorrow. It's bound to be difficult for you, the same church and vicar, and all, but I'll be there. If you'll let me, I'll be there for all your tomorrows.'

'Oh, David.' Was she really hearing this? Or was it a dream, something she conjured up in the lonely recesses of her heart. 'David.' His name was full of passionate despair. She had no right to even think of taking what he offered. He belonged to her sister.

He kissed her gently, wanting to soothe her, his lips brushing her forehead before touching the corner of her eye and sliding along her cheek until he found the trembling softness of her mouth.

An involuntary response swept through her at his indulgent touch. She was caught and trapped in the bright tantalising flame of desperation and desire. Her heart fluttered and started banging against her ribs and she had trouble breathing. She wanted to give and wanted to take, wanted him to know all the things she had no right to say. Instinctively her hands resting on his arms slid up past his neck to curl and tighten in the shining thickness of his bright hair. Sanity fled. Here in his arms there were no yesterdays, no tomorrows, only today, now, this moment. Only the two of them.

Let me love you, Caroline.

She heard him, though his lips hadn't moved, and she looked at him with a wild blinding surge of love and longing. Yes, yes, yes! her heart answered.

Somehow her hands found their way inside his shirt, unashamedly trembling over the wide clenching muscles of his chest. She had never touched a man like this before. Her senses whirled and the sweet ache of desire swept through her, making her boneless and pliant in his arms. The warmth of his skin seared through her and she felt his mouth on hers once more, his kiss hardening with possession.

His own hands weren't idle. The tips of his fingers slid from her jaw to the curve of her neck, softly stroking its long line, drawing her closer, absorbing her quivers. The hard contours of his body moved against hers in an intimate caress. Deftly opening the buttons on her blouse, he found her breast and let its warm swelling softness spill into his quivering hand. It was a new sensation of intimacy for her and she moved shyly against him, trusting him implicitly. He wouldn't hurt her, not this gentle, humble, masterful man. Her heart stopped at the unspoken passion and promise of his hand on her breast. A heady sensuality flooded through her and had her legs buckling.

David circled his other arm around her back, his fingers tangling in her long brown hair, 'My little love,' he murmured against her lips.

Little? she thought dazedly. Love? No one ever called her little and no one ever really loved her before. He made her feel fragile and delicate. Oh, David, I do love you. Her heart spoke to his.

Very slowly he pulled a little away from her and looked deeply into her eyes. His face was serious then all at once the craggy lines softened and he smiled at the delicate flush on her cheekbones and the luminous glow in her eyes. 'You're something very special to me, Caro. You won't be leaving after your father and Morwenna are married?'

It was a question but also an unspoken command and she tingled with pleasure. Her heart began to sing. She wouldn't be leaving after all. He loved her as she loved him. 'I— I'll have to talk with Sharon,' she stammered, suddenly becoming conscious of their dishevelment. Shyly pulling away from him, she turned and fumbled with her blouse, wondering why she was all thumbs. Somehow she'd have to make Sharon understand that it just happened. It wasn't anything planned but she couldn't deny she belonged to David. Sharon might be hurt for a while but Caroline didn't think her emotions were all that deeply involved, especially the way she was always flirting with John Polgearon in front of David.

David laughed softly. 'Sharon will be glad you're staying. With your father and Morwenna going to Spain on their honeymoon, she'd never cope with the family by herself.' His smile was wry as he buttoned his shirt and smoothed back his hair. 'Not the way she's mooning about the house these days.'

Caroline tried to keep her composed facade. 'Well, she thinks she's very much in love.'

'With Sharon, you never know. She falls in and out of love so much.' He slipped a brotherly arm across her shoulders and picked up her shoes and his boots. Pulling her close to him, he started back along the rocky path. 'I've heard weddings have a habit of producing a startling chain reaction of other weddings, so maybe we'll find out if it's real this time.'

She frowned, a niggling unrest creeping into her mind at the way he said that, but she pushed it away at once not wanting to ask him what he meant, preferring to be dazzled instead by the sheer glory of being in love with him. David was hers now, at least he would be once she talked to Sharon then freely acknowledged it. Somehow she'd make Sharon see that she and David were meant for each other.

But in the last minute flurry of wedding preparations, Caroline had to wait to talk to her sister.

Morwenna made a beautiful bride. Her dress, a short-sleeved, knee-length vision of ivory chiffon, was softly gathered at the waist and swirling about her legs. She wore flowers in her hair and carried a tiny bouquet of warm wet violets.

Standing at the back of the church waiting for the guests to get situated in their pews, Caroline waited for the pain and humiliation to engulf her at the remembrance of how she must have looked to her family and friends last year when she stood, in this very spot waiting for her errant groom. Always before she had only to think of it for the shame to become immediate but today nothing happened. It was as if Philip had jilted some other girl. She stood back, remembering, but somehow it couldn't touch her.

She was confused, standing there watching Mrs Trerhyn adjust her hat and twitch her dress as she tottered to her pew. It seemed incredible that she had let Philip twist her whole life. She knew if he hadn't died, if he could somehow come back, he'd be the last person she'd fall in love with now. She was a different person and that made her whole conception of love different as well.

Then, love was all moonlight and roses, soul stirring kisses and blind devotion, a sense of wonder and enchantment colouring all her world. Now, she realised love had many other facets and not all of them were wonderful.

If what she felt for Philip had been real, it would have endured. There would have been no sobering disillusionment when she found Philip so weak a man that he couldn't tell her face to face why he wouldn't marry her. If it had been love, he would have come to her and she would have tried to understand and if he needed forgiving, she would have been able to forgive him anything. But it hadn't been love. He didn't come to her. She didn't understand and she couldn't forgive him, even now. What they shared hadn't lasted or made her safe or protected her against the hurt life had to offer. Real love would have done that, she knew with certainty.

Philip's desertion had left her alone and vulnerable but now it was no longer terrifying. She was free of the past. Really free!

She gave Morwenna's dress a last-minute adjustment and revelled in the incredulous euphoria of the moment. She was free!

Grandy came just then and looked appraisingly at them. 'Very lovely,' he said gruffly, fingering the frail violets in Morwenna's bouquet. 'Alec is a lucky man.'

Morwenna blushed and gave him a dazzling smile, her face soft and radiant. 'I'm the lucky one.'

He turned his gaze to Caroline in a swirling knee-length dress of delicate rose jersey. 'Your father's been pacing the floor all morning—as if he was afraid his bride wouldn't show up.'

Morwenna stiffened but Caroline merely smiled at him.

'He shouldn't have worried. Morwenna loves him. She wouldn't do that to him.'

'That was uncalled for,' Morwenna said, her eyes flashing at Grandy.

'Oh?' He wasn't the least bit contrite. 'It's what everyone's thinking. I'm the only one with nerve enough to bring it out in the open, that's all.'

Morwenna opened her mouth to answer him back but Caroline put a restraining hand on her arm. 'Don't upset yourself, Morwenna. This is your day and nothing's going to mar it.' She turned to her grandfather and gave him a full blown smile that wasn't at all forced. 'You're right. It probably is on everyone's mind. I did think about Philip this morning. And coming here, I couldn't help remembering how he jilted me. But you know what?' Her laugh was soft and free. 'It doesn't hurt any more. It's gone. All of it. All the hurt and humiliation. He didn't love me or he wouldn't have done it. It's taken me a long time to admit it but I never really loved him either.'

The old organ wheezed to life just then and Caroline gave Morwenna's arm a squeeze and Grandy a smile and floated down the aisle to meet David, her father's best man.

Alec stood beside Morwenna at the altar, tall and still in a stark black suit, his face radiant, his dark eyes brimming with love.

Caroline smiled indulgently at them and then was caught by David's sudden jerky movements when he hastily searched in all his coat pockets for the rings and couldn't find them.

'They're on your finger, Daddy!' Steven hissed from the front pew, shattering the solemnity of the moment.

David reddened and Morwenna and Alec laughed and Caroline forgot to be nervous throughout the rest of the ceremony.

The entire day was a success as far as she was concerned. Every time she thought of Philip, she would look at David and he would smile back, making her heart soar. Grandy enjoyed himself at the reception as well. Smiling benignly, he watched his family greet their guests with pride and dignity. He was sure some of the villagers were curious, having heard the gossip about the effect Caroline's jilting had on her father. But seeing her sitting with her brothers or talking quietly with small groups of men and women or making sure Tim and Steven didn't become bored and start getting into mischief, they knew their information had been wrong.

Alec looked perfectly normal, a besotted bridegroom, and Caroline glowed with an inner radiance that had them wondering who the lucky man was who put it there. Sharon flirted outrageously with John, and Rob and Mike tried to dodge several of the more persistent girls who made it plain they thought the Pentreath boys were inordinately handsome.

It took several days to return to normal but Alec and Morwenna left for their honeymoon and things eventually settled down and once again became routine.

Caroline came downstairs on a bright morning three days after the wedding having made up her mind this was the day to talk to Sharon. She had scrubbed the bathroom floor and was walking into the kitchen with the bucket and scrubbing brush. 'I thought I heard John's car on the drive,' she said.

Sharon looked up from where she was standing by the sink folded tightly in David's arms, her face glowing, a bright diamond ring sparkling on her finger. 'Oh, look, Caro. Isn't it beautiful? I'm finally going to be married!'

Caroline could only stand there, transfixed, looking at them, not believing what she was seeing. David's tall broad body was curved around Sharon. His hands were on her back and shoulder and his mouth was smeared by a bright red imprint of Sharon's lipstick. Wave after wave of rioting emotions struck at her. She couldn't have been more stunned if she had suddenly been poleaxed. A horrible twisting pain splintered in her heart and she trembled. All her breath left her. Her face paled and became rigid. The room swayed and rocked and tilted. Everything was falling down around her head with the force of an ocean behind it.

She saw David untangle himself from Sharon, taking a step toward her. 'Caroline!' she heard as if from a great distance.

Automatically jerking back, she swallowedconvulsively and dredged up an instinctive dignity from somewhere deep inside. Her eyes were distended and she never took them off him. In some strange way she felt almost hypnotised. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't drag her eyes away from him. Oh, David. David. He'd never know what it cost her to stand and face them with such resolute calmness when everything inside her was dissolving and bleeding out of her. How could he do this to her? He knew how much she loved him.

Forcing the words out in a wooden voice, she almost managed to smile at him. 'Congratulations. I wish you every happiness.'

She turned in a stupefied daze, setting down the bucket with a noisy splash and practically plunged back up the stairs to her room and for the first time in years, turned the lock. There was a noisy clamouring in her brain, a roaring in her ears, a red mist behind her eyes. This time she thought she would surely die.

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