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Acknowledgments 15 страницаAlmost. Ricky was no Don Juan but he’d been with women before. He’d had a high school dalliance, a college girlfriend. He knew how it felt when a girl was as excited to be with you as you were to be with her. And Ricky was starting to worry—because of the way Kit wasn’t looking him in the eye, the way she kept freezing up when he touched her, the way she moved her pelvis farther from him—that she didn’t really want to be here. Ricky stood back for a moment and tried to get Kit to look at him, but she averted her gaze. “Kit? ” Ricky said. “What? ” she asked. “Are you sure you want to do this? ” “Why wouldn’t I want to do this? ” Kit said. “I don’t know. ” Ricky shrugged. “I was just getting the impression maybe you weren’t into it. ” “Well, I am, ” Kit said. “OK, ” Ricky said. “If you’re sure. ” “I’m sure, ” she said and she pulled him to her and kissed him again. • • • Kit was hiding, and she knew it. She understood, very clearly, that once she admitted to herself she didn’t like kissing Ricky, she would have to admit she didn’t want to kiss men at all. That she didn’t like their roughness, their smell, the coarseness of their faces. That she’d never once looked at a man and desired him. She knew that as soon as she pulled away from Ricky Esposito, she was going to have to accept that she had always, her entire life, desired softness. Curves and smooth skin and long hair and soft lips. She had always ached to be touched with gentle hands. Kissing Ricky felt all wrong because he wasn’t Julianna Thompson. He wasn’t Cheryl Nilsson. Or Violet North. He wasn’t even Wendy Palmer, the waitress at the restaurant with whom Kit always felt a thrill when they shared a shift. She wished, for just one moment, he was that cocktail waitress she’d met earlier tonight, the one with the red hair. Caroline. But Kit kept kissing Ricky, hoping some internal desire would kick in, even though she knew that she had all the answers she’d been looking for. Kit knew now—in her heart, in her body—that she liked girls the way other girls like boys. All she had done this evening by finally kissing a boy was show herself just how much she’d never cared about kissing a boy at all. She pulled away from Ricky. “You’re right. I can’t do this. ” “OK, ” Ricky said, backing off. “Sorry if I pushed you or anything. ” “No, ” Kit said. “It’s fine. I …” She wasn’t sure how to finish her sentence and so, instead, she sat down on the bench in the shower. Ricky sat down next to her. “I’m sorry, ” she said. “I don’t think I’m … this kind of person. ” “What kind of person? ” Kit wasn’t sure how to say it or even what she wanted to say. “The sort of person that wants to make out with a dude in an outdoor shower right now. ” Ricky nodded, forlorn but keeping a smile on his face as best he could. “OK, ” he said. “I got it. ” “It’s not you, ” Kit said. Ricky looked at her. She was finally looking him in the eye. “But I should take the hint that this is probably it for us, huh? ” Kit smiled at him, kindly. “I think maybe we should think of ourselves as friends. ” Ricky nodded and stared at his own feet. “But, like, real friends, ” Kit added, trying to get his attention back. “Like I sincerely mean that. If I was going to like a guy … I think it would be you. ” Ricky cocked his head to the side, not quite sure what she was trying to tell him. “Ricky …” Kit said, unsure if she could even complete the sentence she was starting. But didn’t she have to start somewhere? And wasn’t this the safest place to start? With someone she could avoid for the rest of her life if need be? “It really isn’t you. It’s …” Ricky caught her eyeline. “It’s what? You can tell me, honestly. I’m a really good listener. ” Kit closed her eyes and let it fly. “What if I told you I like … girls? ” She opened her eyes, unsure what she might see on Ricky’s face. Ricky was quiet for a moment. All Kit could discern was surprise. “That makes sense. Girls are hot, ” he said, nodding. And then he laughed. And Kit laughed, too. She threw her head back and cackled, her shoulders moving up and down as the laugh ran through her. Ricky looked up at her and felt even more drawn in, the way her eyes looked so warm and bright, the way her smile created little dimples on her cheeks. He had been so close to the girl he’d always wanted. And now he understood it truly was never going to happen. But that’s how life goes, Ricky thought. You don’t always get the things you want. “Thank you, ” Kit said. “Thank you for that. ” “Hey, that’s what friends are for, right? ” he told her. “I guess so, ” Kit said. “Yeah. ” “So, look, here’s the real question: If we are actually friends, as you say … does that mean you might teach me to surf? ” he asked her. Kit laughed. “You don’t know how? ” She really did like him. He was easy to be around. “I’m not very good, ” Ricky said. “Certainly not as good as you. ” “Nobody’s as good as me, ” Kit said. And Ricky laughed. “I know! So you gotta teach me. ” Kit smiled at him and hoped that one day she might meet a girl like Ricky. Someone kind. Someone who didn’t have anything to prove. She had so much to prove. There wasn’t any room for anyone else to prove much. “All right, ” Kit said. “I’ll teach you. ” And then she leaned over, and she kissed Ricky on the cheekbone. It was the first time Kit had kissed someone with all of her heart. Tarine had been wrong. Brandon wasn’t packing Nina’s things. He had taken a bottle of Seagram’s upstairs and sat down in the first open bedroom, one of the guest rooms. And now he was wallowing on the floor. This was the room he’d imagined would belong to his first child. Now, he was sitting in it, crying by himself, back against the nightstand, drinking whiskey out of the bottle. What the fuck is the matter with you, Brandon? Either one of those women would have made you happy, would have given you more than you ever deserved. How did you fuck that up? God, this was bad. He really didn’t want to be left alone at the end of all this. He drank more of his whiskey and gagged at the sheer amount that was flowing down his throat. He wiped his mouth. He had to fix this. He had to get one of them back. He had to. And he could! He knew he could. All he had to do was convince one of them that he wasn’t a shit. Which was easy enough because he really had not been that much of a shit until recently. Even the tabloids would tell you, he really was a good guy! He just needed to listen to his gut and choose the love of his life. And then he would get her back and be a good husband and have children and win more titles and have his life look just like it looked on the pages of the magazines. Just like it was supposed to. Brandon Randall was about to pass out but once he woke up, world, watch out. He was gonna go get one of those women back if it was the last thing he did. Jay was searching for Hud everywhere. He scanned the crowds in every room, pushing through people giving him dirty looks at being moved aside, smelling cigarette smoke and skunkweed, body odor and perfume. Hud was not in the front yard, downstairs, or upstairs. He was not in the backyard as far as Jay could see through the windows. Jay made it back to the bottom of the landing. He turned to a brunette woman in a polka-dot dress smoking a joint. “Have you seen Hud? ” Jay said. “Who’s Hud? ” the woman asked, completely uninterested. Jay looked at her sideways. “Who the fuck are you? ” he asked her. “Heather, ” she said, smiling. “Well, Heather, Hud is my brother and he’s fucking my girlfriend and I need to find him. ” Heather put out her hand, offering Jay the butt of her joint. “You need this more than I do. ” “No, thank you. ” “Are you sure? ” Jay frowned and took the joint from her. He put it to his lips and pulled in the smoke. He closed his eyes, let it permeate his lungs, sink into his body. He opened his eyes back up. “Do you feel better now? ” Heather asked him. Jay thought about it. “No. Not at all. ” “OK, ” Heather said, shrugging. “Well, that’s all I got. ” She turned away from him and resumed her conversation with the Laker Girl she’d been talking to. “OK, but, like, Larry Bird is good though. ” Jay closed his eyes and pinched his nose, wondering why the fuck anyone would be defending the Celtics, but he didn’t have time to fight her on it. He made his way to the backyard again, still trying to find Hud. He was still seething inside but his rage had nowhere to go. He tried to relax, tried to calm himself down. He didn’t see Hud anywhere. Now Vanessa was sitting in the lap of Kyle Manheim, making out with him. Jesus, Vanessa. Jay made a note to himself to tell her she could do better than Kyle. But for now he simply tapped her on the shoulder. Vanessa turned and looked at him. “Hey, ” she said. She seemed tipsy but far from blotto. “Have you seen Hud? ” Jay asked her. Vanessa shook her head. “No. And you know what? I don’t care that I haven’t seen him. How’s that? For once in my life, I can honestly say I just don’t care. ” Jay had already stopped listening. His eye caught sight of the cliff’s edge and the stairs to the beach. “Yeah, cool. ” He walked, slowly and deliberately, making eye contact with no one until he got to the edge of the lawn. He looked down at the water, at the sand. On the beach, he saw two people in an embrace and he could instantly recognize the asshole he was looking for. Hud. Jay’s rage turned red hot once again as he realized Ashley was there with him. This was fucking rich. Jay watched them start to make their way up the stairs to the backyard. He paced around, talking himself up and down, unsure of what he would do when they reached the top. Mick pulled his car into the driveway of his daughter’s house. He handed his keys over without even looking at the valet’s face. He stood in the driveway, gazing up at the full scope of Nina’s home, and fixed the knot of his tie. Mick was surprised by the sheer size of the house. Nina’s husband must have bought it. Brandon something. The tennis player. He felt his hackles go up. “Are you …” Eliza Nakamura said to Mick as he walked past her, toward the front door. Mick looked at her. She was good-looking. If it had been the right time, he might have given her his signature smolder, lifted the edges of his famous lips to give her a grin. But Mick had learned nearly twenty-five years ago that his gravitational pull was such that he had to repel anyone he did not wish to actively attract. “Not now, ” he said to the young woman. Eliza turned away from him, annoyed, and moved on. She would tell people for the rest of her life that she’d met Mick Riva once and he was a dickhead. Mick did not care if people thought he was an asshole as long as they left him alone when he did not want them and flocked to him when he did. He ignored each and every person in the front yard who stared at him as he walked by them and headed straight over the threshold of his daughter’s mansion. There was an audible gasp from one of the cocktail waitresses when she saw him. That made the two bartenders over by the record players look up toward the door and they both did double takes. Seeing the bartenders out of the corner of his eye, Greg Robinson, still rippin’ it up, moved his eye to the door and saw a legend he once knew years before standing there. His hand slipped and the record scratched. Then everyone in the living room looked up at the door—a house full of stars all staring at the biggest star in the room. The gasps and whispers started and within approximately forty-five seconds of Mick placing his foot in the house, the entire party knew he was there. The entire party except for Casey Greens, who was hiding upstairs in the master bedroom, and Kit, who was with Ricky Esposito in her sister’s outdoor shower, and Jay, who was outside looking for Hud, and Hud, who was down at the beach, and Nina, who had locked herself in the pantry. Hud spotted Jay out of the corner of his eye as he was making his way up the stairs with Ashley. The moment he saw him, his heart dropped. It was clear that Jay already knew what he’d resolved to tell him. Jay had the gait and the fury of a man recently made aware. Hud turned back to Ashley briefly as they came up the path. He looked at her with warning and apology, and in his glance she knew what he was trying to tell her. This is going to get worse before it gets better. Hud put his feet on the grass at the edge of the lawn and Ashley followed him and then stepped aside, out of the line of fire. Jay was in Hud’s face in no time. “You are a real piece of shit, ” Jay said. “You know that? ” “I know, ” Hud said. He did not ask how much Jay knew or how Jay knew. He understood those questions would only serve to make things worse. Jay shook his head, trying to speak but finding himself dumbfounded. What on earth could he possibly say that would come close to conveying his rage? “Ashley and I are together, ” Hud said. Ashley watched his face as he spoke, stunned at the forthrightness of his words, the evenness of his voice. “I fucked up in how I handled it. I lied to you and I went behind your back and I am sorry. But I love her. ” Hud caught Ashley’s eye for a brief second. “And she loves me. ” “Are you kidding me? ” Jay screamed, losing control of his voice as he continued to speak, its volume rising higher and higher with every second. “That’s your defense? ” Hud stepped closer to his brother and had a moment of sharp clarity. He would see this thing through, he would face every moment of it. And he would come out the other side with a brother and a wife and a child. “I’m an asshole, ” Hud said. “I admit it. ” “That doesn’t even begin to—” “No, it doesn’t. You’re right. But I need you to understand something. I’m not going to stop seeing her, ” Hud said. “And I’m not going to let you stop speaking to me. ” A crowd had started to form and Jay was conscious of it—of the fact that every single person who became privy to this conversation was aware of his humiliation. “So tell me what you need from me in order to put this behind us. ” “What I need from you? ” Jay said. “What I need from you is to stop sleeping with my ex-girlfriend! ” “No, ” Hud said, shaking his head. “My answer is no. ” When Jay lunged for Hud, it was not graceful. It was sloppy and scrappy and ugly. But it was effective. Before Hud even realized that his brother was aiming for him, his back was slammed down onto the lawn. Jay swung with reckless abandon but Hud did not fight back. Hud’s upper-arm strength alone could have crushed his brother’s windpipe, shattered a rib. The lone joy of being the stocky one was that you were the stronger one. Jay on top of Hud—punching and elbowing and grabbing for whatever limbs he could—was like a whippet on a pit bull. But Hud would not further shame his brother. Jay and Hud had borne witness to the full scope of each other’s lives. They had lived in the same rooms, wished on the same stars, breathed the same air, been taught and reared by the same mother and teachers. Been abandoned by the same father. They had traveled the same beaches, trespassed in the same oceans, surfed the same waves, stood on the same boards. Made love to the same woman. But they were not the same men. They were not haunted by the same demons, they were fighting for different things. Ashley screamed as Jay’s fist made a crack against Hud’s nose. “Fuuuuuuck! ” someone screamed from the crowd that had gathered. Others gasped as the blood started to trickle down. “Oh my God, ” one of the women said over and over. “Someone do something! ” “Punch him again! ” a man called from the back. Some people started cheering for Jay. Others yelled at Hud to fight back. Ashley wept. And the two brothers—aching and bruised and bleeding—continued on. Nina decided it was time to leave the pantry if only because the air was getting stale. But also because if this party wasn’t going to end anytime soon, she was at least going to try to enjoy it. “All right, ” she said, standing up. “Let’s go join the land of the living. ” “You do not have to, ” Tarine said. “I want to, ” Nina said, holding her hand out for Tarine to lift herself up. “I suppose I should check on Greg anyway, ” Tarine said. Nina opened the pantry door to see three girls standing by the breakfast nook, looking at her strangely. “It’s my pantry, ” she said. “I can hide in it if I want to. ” She could hear a commotion out in the backyard but decided to ignore it. Instead, she walked toward the entryway and then stopped dead in place at what she saw. Dad? He was standing with his back to her but Nina recognized him instantly. His back was broad and sturdy and his shoulders were wide enough that, even with a jacket on, you could make out the perfect triangle they formed with his waist. His hair was grayer now, but the back of his head still looked exactly the way it had when she used to watch him watching television or running along the sand. She felt both intense familiarity and staggering strangeness as she looked at him—this man she knew so well, this man she barely knew at all. The combination made Nina feel dizzy. She pulled herself back behind the corner. “What the fuck is my dad doing here? ” Nina asked. It was a rhetorical question, though she would have welcomed an answer. “Your father? ” Tarine said, truly shocked. Tarine couldn’t help but peek around the corner to see for herself. “Wow, ” she said, stunned. “Mick Riva. My God. ” Nina pulled her back. “Why on earth would he be here? ” “I assure you, I have no clue, ” Tarine said, peeking again. Nina searched for any reason that might explain it. “Maybe he needs a kidney or something. ” Tarine looked at Nina to see if she was kidding. Nina was dead serious. “I suppose that is possible, ” Tarine said. “Does he look sick? ” Tarine leaned over to get another look. Mick had turned around and Tarine could see his face. It was rugged and tan, all smiles. “No, ” Tarine said. “Actually, he looks quite handsome. ” Nina was surprised at the pride she took in this fact. “Old? ” she asked. Tarine looked again. “He looks just like he does in the magazines. ” This Nina found to be the most helpful piece of information. If her father looked like he did in the magazines, then, in some way, Nina did know her father. Even if it was barely more than most Americans. When she could hear her father’s voice booming around the corner, Nina decided that she did not want to see him or talk to him or find out what he wanted. At least not at the moment. “OK, ” Nina said. “I don’t have to deal with this right now if I don’t want to. ” “Yes, that is exactly right, ” Tarine said. Nina spotted a plate of cheese on the kitchen counter. “I’m going to eat this, ” she said. She threw a hunk of cheddar into her mouth. Hello, old friend. Then she set her sights on the Brie. Nina breathed in deep and then picked up the entire tray of cheese, ready to carry it with her. She set out to alert her siblings that their father was there, like she was a surfer girl Paul Revere. Mick is coming. She did not immediately spot her brothers or her sister. And so, her first stop would be upstairs, to talk to the only person at this party who had actually been looking for Mick Riva. 2: 00 A. M. Vaughn Donovan walked in the front door already quite drunk. He was accompanied by an entourage that included his agent, his business manager, and four of his friends. As had become common for him, the women in the room all took note within a few minutes of his entrance. He threw an upward nod to say hi to a few of them, and then flashed his million-dollar smile. It felt good to be a movie star. Back in high school in Dayton, Ohio, Robert Vaughn Donovan III did not make the football or the baseball team. But the moment he stepped into the school auditorium, he had found a home. With his quick wit and charmingly exasperated delivery of almost every line, he had the drama kids in stitches. His dad’s college roommate was a Hollywood agent and by the time he was twenty, Robby had booked his second audition, started going by Vaughn, and swiftly made a career of starring in movies as the cute and nonthreatening boy next door who finally gets the girl. Vaughn was now twenty-five years old and a bona fide star. But, while he would never admit it to anyone, he still sometimes felt like he needed to sleep with as many beautiful women as possible, go to as many Hollywood parties as possible, make as many movies as possible, as if someone was going to hit a buzzer and send him back to Dayton at any moment. Vaughn rolled up the sleeves of his blazer and stepped farther into the foyer just as Nina rounded the corner and started up the stairs. “Whoa, ” he said as he saw her. “The actual Nina Riva is here in front of me this very second. Everyone’s dream girl. ” “Vaughn, ” Nina said, holding the cheese plate with one hand and putting the other out to shake. “Hi. ” He was even more handsome up close. His boyish blue eyes were bright and clear. His shaggy brown hair was perfectly contained under his porkpie hat. His jawline was sharp but his skin was soft and pristine. Most people, Nina knew, lost some of their luster when you met them in the flesh. But Vaughn Donovan was gorgeous. Vaughn took her hand and shook it. “I’m a big fan of yours, ” he said. “Big fan. ” “Why, thank you, ” Nina said, nodding. “I loved your last movie. Wild Night. It was great. ” “Thanks, ” Vaughn said, smiling. “We’re thinking about doing a sequel. Maybe you can be in it. ” “Oh, that’s so nice of you, ” Nina said. “Um, listen, I have to run real quick but I’ll be back down soon and we should talk. ” Vaughn nodded. And then as Nina turned away, he grabbed her arm. He took his other hand and brushed the edge of her shirt, just at the top of her rib cage. “This one isn’t as soft to the touch as I was hoping, ” he said with a smile, then he winked at her. Nina stared at him. She cycled through two breaths. “All right, Vaughn. I’ll be seeing ya, ” she said and walked, briskly, up the stairs. Just then, Vaughn’s business manager came out from the kitchen with four beers. He punched a hole in the bottom of one of the cans with a pen and put it to Vaughn’s mouth. Vaughn cheerily popped the tab and shotgunned it. When he was done, he threw the can on the floor and shook his head. “Woooot! ” he said. “Let’s get fucked up! ” A blond waitress walked by with coke and Vaughn smiled at her and took a line. She batted her eyes at him. Bridger Miller came around the corner. “Whoa, man! ” Bridger said, giving Vaughn a high five. They had not ever met before but fame is a secret club; everyone knows of one another. “Bridger! Big fan, man! ” Vaughn said. “I saw you in Race Against Time. The scene where you scale that building was unreal. ” “Thanks, thanks, ” Bridger said, nodding. “I didn’t see your new one yet but my agent said it’s funny as hell. ” Vaughn smiled, pleased. “One day, maybe I’ll do the action thing. ” Bridger laughed. “Better than me trying to do comedy, I’ll tell you that. ” One of Vaughn’s friends, who happened to be standing by the china cabinet, said, “Hey, Vaughn! Weren’t you saying earlier that you wanted to play Frisbee? ” Before Vaughn could respond, his buddy took a plate out of the cabinet and flung it across the room to the opposite wall. It smashed into chunks and shards before its pieces even hit the floor. Everyone turned to look at the cause of the commotion. But when Bridger chuckled, so did everyone else. “Fuckin’ A, man, ” Vaughn said, laughing. He strode over to the cabinet, picked a plate up himself, and threw it at the wall. Bridger grabbed two more and flung them in quick succession. The two high-fived. “All right! ” Vaughn said. Bridger grabbed another plate. “Everybody, let’s do this! ” Nina walked into her bedroom and locked the door behind her. “Cheese? ” she said to Casey, offering her the tray. “I’m good, ” Casey said. She felt sort of embarrassed to still be up there, in Nina’s bedroom. “Sorry, I didn’t know where else to go, ” Casey added, by way of explanation. “Don’t worry about it, ” Nina said. “But, listen, Mick is downstairs. ” Casey looked shocked. If Nina had wondered whether Mick being here had anything to do with Casey, the expression on Casey’s face cleared it up. “What do you mean Mick’s here? Like right now? ” Casey said. “Yeah, ” Nina said as she walked into her closet. She kept the door open so she could continue to talk. There, she took off her gauzy shirt and her tight skirt and her oxygen-depriving tights and her torturous high heels. She stood in a bra and thong and then took both of those off, too. She grabbed a pair of white cotton underwear and pulled them up her legs and then put on a jock bra. She put on a pair of heather gray sweatpants, elastic at both the waist and the ankles. And a faded neon blue T-shirt that said O’NEILL across the chest. Men were bullshit—people were bullshit—and Nina was not going to live through bullshit while wearing high heels a single second longer. “I don’t know why he’s here, ” Nina said. “But he’s here. ” Casey felt a rush of anxiety. She wasn’t even sure she wanted to meet Mick Riva yet, let alone figure out what to say to him. Nina threw herself onto her bed and lay on her back, staring at the ceiling. “I suppose you could go downstairs right now and ask him if he’s your dad, ” Nina said. But even as she said it, she felt a twinge. It bothered Nina, the idea that Casey might manage to have more of a direct relationship with Mick than she did, that Casey might be unafraid to do the very thing Nina was avoiding. Saying hello. Nina watched as Casey sat down on the bed next to her. “What is he like? ” Casey asked. Nina continued to stare up at the ceiling and answered as best she could. “I think he’s an asshole. But I can’t be sure. I don’t actually know him well enough to say. ” Casey watched as Nina continued to stare at the ceiling and breathe deeply, her chest rising high and falling. “He sounds like a real winner, ” Casey said as she lay down on her back next to Nina, staring up at the ceiling, too. Nina turned to Casey. “Listen, I’m not sure … I mean, if you’re looking for family, there might be better ones to pick. ” Casey turned to Nina and smiled gently. “That’s not exactly how family works, is it? ” “No, ” Nina said, shaking her head. “No, I guess it’s not. ” Mick reached the sliding glass door to the lawn and looked out at the crowd. He could tell someone was beating the shit out of someone else. But it wasn’t until he made his way to the edge of the circle that had formed around them that he suspected it might be his sons. As he looked at the two men grappling on the ground, he had to admit an ugly truth to himself: It was not so easy, to recognize your own children after twenty years away. He knew Jay from the magazines, much the same way he knew Nina. He wasn’t one hundred percent sure that the one on the ground was Hud. But, Mick reasoned, you probably don’t go to these lengths to beat the shit out of someone unless they are close enough to have really gotten under your skin. So he made an educated guess. As for his youngest … He would not have recognized her if she were standing right next to him. Which she was. Kit had left Ricky behind when she heard her brothers yelling and made her way to the front of the crowd. She was stunned to see that not only was Jay pummeling Hud … but that her father was standing there watching him do it. She stood, frozen, next to him. Her eyes were wide, her fingers were stiff as her pinkie grazed the arm of his jacket. She could not believe she was in the presence of this larger-than-life figure who had hovered over her her entire life, and yet had been so long out of reach. There he was. She could extend her pinkie just … one half a centimeter … farther … and … touch him. And then in an instant, he was gone, lunging forward and pulling his older son off his younger one. It wasn’t difficult for Mick to get hold of Jay—Jay’s body was all limbs, easy to grab and throw down onto his back. Hud put his hands to his nose as Ashley ran toward him. He looked up to see who had stopped the fight. Jay got ahold of himself and looked up to see who had pulled him off. “Dad? ” the two of them said at the same time, with the same inflection. Kit found this sort of preposterous. Dad? Some of the crowd began to disperse now that the fight was over. But a lot of people stuck around, shamelessly gawking at Mick Riva, in the flesh.
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