Chapter 15 4 страница

Sitting down fully, Nox let out a breath. " He is proud of you, Jon, as am I. " Jon's head shot up at that. " Not many have what it takes to go through what you did under my tutelage. Yet you did. And you excelled far beyond my expectations. And as for a name, have I told you before how I came to the name Darth Nox? I had another name before that one. But amongst the Sith, once you reach a certain level you cast aside your old name, who you used to be. And you become someone new. The reason we do this is in part to show that our past doesn't matter. All that matters is who we have chosen to become. "

Holding out his hand, Nox wordlessly summoned the book that Jon had had in his hand when he first entered. " From your mother I take it? " He asked, to which Jon nodded. " Read it, " he ordered, forcing the book back into Jon's hands. " The past is important Jon. But only so much so that we may learn from our mistakes. We are not bound by the mistakes or sins of our forebears. Learn from what happened and move past it Jon. Otherwise you will always be stuck. "

Standing, Nox purposefully turned his back on his Apprentice and made his way out of his meditation chambers. It was a strange sensation, this wanting to help his young Apprentice through his emotional troubles. But this was a battle that Jon needed to fight on his own. And he was confident that his young Apprentice would come out better for it in the end.

The sound of Master Nox closing the door was almost deafening as Jon now sat alone in his Master's personal study with nothing more than his mother's journals to keep him company. 'My mother, ' he thought sadly, looking down at the seemingly innocent leather book barely larger than his hand. For so long he had only wanted to know one thing about himself. The one thing most could not answer and the few who could refused to do so. But now he knew. And knowing was almost worse than not knowing. When he didn't know who she was, he still had hope that he would someday meet her. That she would hold him in her arms and tell him how proud of him she was. But now, now there was no chance of that ever happening. Because she was dead. Dead and buried along with her brother and father down in the crypts of Winterfell.

Fighting through the pain of anguish that threatened to overtake him once more, he focused on the small journal on the table before him. It looked just like any other book one could read, but to Jon, this one thing might as well have been the Stranger himself in disguise. Would this tell him why she did what she did? Why a Rebellion that cost so many lives was started? Did…did he even want to know? Did she despise him because of - of who his father was?

'I won't know anything just sitting here like a lump on a log, ' he thought, shaking his head and sucking in several deep breaths as he purposefully flipped the book open while the words Master Nox just spoke to him went through his mind. 'Move forward, Jon. To stay stagnant is to die. Learn from the past, but do not fear it. '

His resolve faltered as he eyed the seemingly neat yet still sloppy writing on the first page. 'My mother's hand, ' he swallowed, his fingers tracing the letters as if they could connect the two of across the barrier of life and death that separated the two of them. 'Oh, for gods' sake, Jon, ' he cursed himself as he realized he still hadn't read a single word on the page. 'As Master would say, 'man up or shut up'. Now, read the damn book! '

" My son, gods, that is odd to say. Even though you are still growing in my womb I feel that I already know so much about you. Well, I guess that I do. But most, well, probably all would probably think that I'm crazy for just why. After all, I've been locked in this god forsaken bloody tower for moons now with no one to talk to save for three Kingsgaurd who do rather impressive imitations of trees and, gods I'm rambling. You see my son, I've had wolf dreams, just like the Targaryen's of old use to have 'dragon dreams', the Starks frequently had those who could have 'wolf dreams'. And I guess I'm the lucky one that got saddled with this accursed power this time around. But it wasn't all that bad I guess. I saw you my son. I saw that you would be born a boy and that you would be raised with your cousins in Winterfell, our home. I saw what a brave and good man you will become. But this knowledge came with a great price. The price to know that I will not survive you coming into this world. And it is a price that I will gladly pay my son. And no matter what anyone might try to say to you, I will not regret paying this price. Because I love you. More than my own life. Because you are my life my son. Now and forever. "

Pausing, Jon took a steadying breath. 'She – She knew that she wouldn't survive giving birth to me. And – And she didn't hate me. She didn't even know me and – and she said she loves me. '

" I supposed that most of this just sounds like the ramblings of a mad woman. And reading what I already wrote I would be ready to agree with you. But again, I've been locked in this tower for months on end with only my own thoughts to provide any meaningful company. So, I'm sorry if a lot of this won't make sense, but I want you to know. To know the truth behind what happened and the circumstances around your birth.

" Though, having said that I don't know where to even begin. I suppose I might as well start when I was still but a little girl in Winterfell. I was always, well, different from the other girls in the keep and Winter Town. I didn't want to do needlework or listen to poetry or any of those other 'lady-like' things our accursed southern-Maester insisted were proper indulgences for a Lady. I wanted to be in the yard training with my brothers and the guards. I wanted to go out hunting for deer or boar or whatever struck my fancy. I wanted to ride my horse to the ends of the land and sail beyond the Sunset Sea just to see what was out there. The last thing I wanted was a cage that so many girls wanted to willingly lock themselves in. But as I grew up, I suppose I came to realize that such fancies were not possible. Not for me at least. Nobility is a gift and a curse. A gift because we have privileges that others do not. A curse, we because we have expectations that we have to meet.

" And it wasn't just that proper 'Lady activities' didn't sound appealing to me that set me apart from the other girls. Around the time I started my moon blood (don't cringe son, it's a natural part of a woman's cycle and something that you will have to deal with in time) all the other girls started gushing about this guard or stable boy or perhaps even a Lords son or two. But I, I just wasn't interested in them. At least not like the other girls. They all wanted to steal kisses or perhaps more. But I just wanted to beat them into the ground to prove that I was just as good, no better, than them. And my thoughts weren't helped when I overheard two of Winterfell's guards talking about their recent trip to the brothel in Winter Town. By the gods, from the way they spoke they viewed the girls who worked there as little more than holes to be used and discarded. Now that I think about it, that might be a direct quote. And they weren't alone in their feelings. After hearing that, I began to sneak about more often, trying to listen in on more raunchy conversations. I was hoping that those two were the exception and not the norm. But nope. I was wrong. They were pretty much the norm. Even several of the Lords son talked about their wives, betrotheds or whores in the same manner. So, my opinion towards men got quite colored.

" Then came the day that I knew was coming but was still dreading with every fiber of my being. The day when my father pulled me into his solar to coldly and calmly informed me that within a few years, once I reached the age of ten-and-six and could safely carry a child to term, I would wed to Robert Baratheon, the heir of Storm's End and the Lord of the Stormlands. And then I was dismissed. Just like that, 'Lyanna, you will wed Robert Baratheon, get fucked by him, bare him a son and that is all. Leave. ' Obviously, that wasn't the real conversation between myself and my father…but that was close. I spent the next two months coming to terms with what was to be my future. I had hope that, seeing as how Robert was a brother in all but blood to Ned that he would be a good man. Even if the idea of being with him, or rather any man, didn't sit well with me, if he was a good man then I could live with it.

" Then came the Tourney of Harrenhal. My father sent myself, Brandon and Benjen down to represent House Stark and we were to meet up with Ned and my future betrothed as well once we were there. When I first saw Robert, I can honestly say that I could somewhat understand why many a maiden seemed to be infatuated with him. He was tall, strong and I'd even go so far as to say that he was ruggedly handsome. Though I still felt no spark or interest in him when Ned introduced us. But he was pleasant enough and courteous. At least for a time. He said that he loved me, even though we'd never even met before this. That sent the bells off in my head. And the more we talked, the more I realized that he loved the 'idea' of me. Not me. I could tell from the way he looked at me, to the way he responded to all my interests that he loved the idea of 'claiming the she-wolf of Winterfell'. Not in marrying Lyanna Stark. And my dislike for him was set in stone that very night when he tried to force himself on me. Well, he didn't push for sex but, he was certainly insistent with his hands and mouth. And didn't stop until I firmly slapped him across the face and ran off.

" I told my brothers what had transpired, and Brandon looked ready to march off and kill the man. But Ned, the ever patient one of us, managed to talk our brother down. He explained that Robert had probably indulged a little too much with his drink, which didn't settle my thoughts at all. But in the end, I decided to give the oaf another chance and went to his tent to speak with him once more. That was when I found out he was with not one, but two whores. Whores that apparently looked a lot like myself judging by the way he kept calling them both 'Lyanna' and the way his men standing guard winced while I stood there for a time listening to his debauchery. After that, I realized that I was doomed to marriage with a man who was just like all the rest. "

Jon's fingers curled around the edges of the book as he read through the passages, his anger spiking as he developed an urge to grab the fastest horse he could find in the stables and make his way down to King's Landing and become the second Kingslayer in less than two decades. Somehow, he managed to fight down the urge to gut the king and press on reading his mother's last writings.

" The next day was the start of the Tourney and, despite not announcing that he was even coming, the Mad King apparently decided to come to the Tourney. When I first saw the man, I almost asked Brandon why a beggar was masquerading as the King. His hair was long and disheveled, his fingernails almost impossibly long and he just looked wretched. In comparison his son, the Crowned Prince, was exactly what I pictured whenever I thought of the royal family. He was the first man that I considered beautiful. But he paled in comparison to his wife, our future queen, Elia Martel. She was beauty and grace personified.

" Outside of the Kings arrival, nothing else of note really happened till that night when I caught three squires beating up one of House Starks bannerman by the name of Howland Reed. I managed to chase them off with my name and tended to Howland personally. Howland said he didn't care about the beating, but I did. And as my father always said, the wolfs blood is strong in me. So, I did something that, looking back now, was insanely stupid. But also, the greatest thing I'd ever done. I managed to piece together a suit of armor. Then I rode out on a borrowed steed the next day proclaiming myself to be the 'Knight of the Laughing Tree' and challenged the three knights whose squires beat Howland the night before. And I handed all three their asses on a platter! But the thrill of beating them was dashed when the King demanded I remove my helmet and present myself. I couldn't let that happen so; I ran. I managed to ditch my horse and was in the process of throwing my armor into the Gods Eye when I was found. By none other than Prince Rhaegar, Princess Elia and two Kingsgaurd.

" I was done for, and I knew it. But then something I never expected to happen happened. Elia wrapped me in her arms and told Rhaegar and the Kingsguard to throw the armor into the lake and to never speak of it. The Prince even added that he would take my shield as proof of my fleeing. I was stunned. I didn't understand why they were helping me. But as the Kingsguard, who I later learned was Ser Arthur Dayne and Prince Lewyn Martell, threw my armor in the lake, Elia led me into an unused passage that led back into Harrenhal and proceeded to help me clean up and get changed.

" And that moment was the start of everything, both good and bad. I asked Elia why she was helping me, but she simply smiled and said that she understood what I was going through and that she admired me. Me! The Princess of Dorne and future Queen of Westeros admired me! And while I thought that after that one meeting, I would never see her again, I was wrong. For the next several days the Princess always seemed to be wherever I was, and she kept inviting me to have tea with her, or take a walk, or anything to really spend time with her. We talked, gods we talked a lot! And, and it was through her that I learned more about myself than I ever thought possible. I told her everything, my thoughts on my marriage and on men in general and she just stood there and took it all in. And in the end, she explained just why I was so different from all the other ladies. I was, to quote Elia, 'a ladies lady'. Or rather, I would prefer to be a man in the company of a woman rather than a woman in the company of a man. I didn't really understand what she was saying, but then she dropped a question that changed everything. She asked me if I had a choice, would I rather kiss and sleep with herself, or Rhaegar.

" And that was the moment when everything became clear. The reason why I didn't want to be with a man was because I wanted to be with a woman! I'd heard about such things of course, but…well…such behavior was not acceptable. At least in public. Except for Dorne of course. And the North was more, forgiving of such things. But there were still expectations to be held upon. And then, as if that revelation wasn't strange enough, Elia dropped another one on me as she admitted that she too was a 'ladies lady', and that her marriage to Rhaegar was more like a brother-sister relationship, though not in the Targaryen manner. Rather in the normal manner. And as I was still trying to recover from that piece of information, Elia leaned forward and kissed me! And right then and there, I was lost. Any doubts I had were gone. Gods, I still don't remember how it happened, but the two of us ended up, well, performing carnal acts right there in the godswood of Harrenhal! All I can say is, thank the gods that trees block out noise and that it was her uncle Lewyn that was guarding her that day! "

Having read that part, Jon felt his face flush and he had to readjust his pants. While the thought of his mother doing, well, that wasn't particularly high on his list to think about, that wasn't necessarily where his mind went. Rather, it pictured another Dornish princess locked in a passionate embrace with another woman! 'Focus, Jon! ' he cursed himself, forcing himself to read on. 'I don't need to take care of that particular problem! '

" After that wonderful night, I knew that no matter what, the future I wanted was to be with her. Whether as her friend, lover, sworn shield or whatever, I didn't care. All I wanted was to be with her. And as if the gods were listening to my pleas, they provided one. After we woke up in each other's arms, Elia explained to me the true reason behind the Tourney of Harrenhal. Rhaegar was going to overthrow his father and take his place as King! And the Tourney was being held so that Rhaegar could meet with the High Lords of Westeros and garner their support. Though that plan was now on the wayside as the King had somehow caught wind of what might be happening and decided to attend unannounced, ruining Rhaegar's plans. But that was just one of the two primary reasons why the Tourney was being held. The second was that Elia and Rhaegar were trying to find a second wife for Rhaegar! Elia, with tears in her eyes, told me a truth that no one else in the entire realm save for a handful knew about. She was barren. Rhaenys was hers. But the child Aegon that was being passed off as her son was not. The true Aegon was a miscarriage. A miscarriage that cost Elia her womb. So, to make sure that Elia did not die on the orders of the King and to buy them time for Rhaegar to take the throne, they were passing off a serving girls child as the actual crown prince until the truth could safely be revealed.

" But Rhaegar still needed an heir. A male heir. Which was why he needed a second wife. And, as Elia put it, she would rather his second wife be a woman that she loved, rather than some cold-hearted bitch, and I could've sworn she said some name like 'Kersey' or the like when she did. Now I wasn't a complete fool. I was instantly crushed as I thought that Elia had only seduced me and used me to become a broodmare for her husband. But, and gods above I don't know how, but she convinced me that everything she said, everything she felt for me, was true. And, I don't know why, but I knew that she wasn't lying to me. She loved me, just as I had come to love her. I still love her. Even now after everything. And that will never change.

" When I had brought up the prospect of me giving birth and my, well, distaste for the thought of being with a man, she comforted me. She said that she would be with me always. And that, well, Rhaegar wasn't exactly like most men. He had needs to be sure. And he was not above seeking out a woman's company and that I shouldn't necessarily say I wouldn't like something until I tried it. But she reassured me that Rhaegar usually found solace in his books…or in the company of other men. Which was a thought I did not need. Not when I was still holding Elia's naked body close to my own. I then brought up my current betrothal, to which Elia merely laughed off. What father would uphold a betrothal to a Lord, even a Lord of a Great House, when he could instead have his daughter become a future Queen? In the end, I was convinced. And for the rest of our time in Harrenhal Elia and I spent almost every spare moment we could together outside of the public eye. This of course was made considerably easier as my dear brother Ned had fallen of the Wall in love with Elia's handmaiden Ashara. I can still remember walking out of Elia's room one morning, only to catch Ned walking out of Ashara's at the same time! Gods, I don't know who was more embarrassed! Luckily Ned bought my excuse that I was merely talking to the Princess after failing to find him. I love my dear quiet brother, but gods only knew what he would do if he knew that I had spent the night with said princess in the same manner as he'd spent the night with Ashara!

" But all good dreams must come to an end. And for me, and everyone else for that matter, that end came when Rhaegar won the tourney and, instead of crowning Elia like we had planned, crowned me instead! My brothers, not to mention Robert, were furious and the crowd was stunned. And the King, the mad bastard, just laughed at the mayhem his son had caused with his actions. Our retinue packed up and left that very day, heading to Riverrun where Brandon would be married to Catelyn Tully before we went back North to Winterfell.

" And after we left, none of the plans that'd been put in place worked as they should've. Rhaegar and two of the Kingsguard came and spirted me away from Riverrun, though why it had to be this way I still don't understand. But I made sure to leave a note in my room for Brandon explaining what was going on, and I even sent a raven to my father explaining that I was not going to be the future Lady of Storm's End, but rather the future Second Queen of Westeros. We stopped on our journey on the edges of the God's Eye and, after the Kingsguard managed to find a Septon, I married Rhaegar on the banks of the lake. Though I looked in Rhaegar's eyes and said the words making us husband and wife, in my mind and heart I was saying them to Elia. And I knew that she was doing the same. Then Rhaegar, well, claimed me. Only once and mercifully it was not nearly as horrible as I had thought it would be. We then made our way south all the way to the northern borders of Dorne to a tower that Rhaegar called the 'Tower of Joy', though I have truly found nothing but anguish here. It was all part of the plan to keep me safely away from those who would side against Rhaegar until he was King.

" We were at the tower for only a day before a raven arrived from King's Landing. My brother Brandon had, for some godforsaken reason, marched to King's Landing and demanded my return and for Rhaegar to come forth and explain himself! Apparently, he thought I was taken against my will. In response, the Mad King imprisoned my brother, killed his retinue that came with him, and demanded my father present himself to the court to explain my brother's actions. My father did as was asked of him and…and was murdered. As was my brother. On the orders of the King. And then as if that wasn't enough, he called my brother Ned and Robert Baratheon traitors and had sent orders that their heads were to be sent to him.

" I wanted to head north immediately and explain everything that had happened, damn the plan. It was ruined anyway. But Rhaegar wouldn't listen to me! He kept insisting that he couldn't just depose his father now. And then the next raven came, and with it any fantasy I had of Rhaegar being a good man was destroyed. My brother Ned, Robert and Jon Arryn had all risen in rebellion against the crown. Now I was frantic to get back and fix the mess that we'd caused. But Rhaegar…he wouldn't budge. Instead, he…well…he said that because my brother, Robert, and Jon Arryn had declared open rebellion against the crown, they were traitors and would be dealt with as such. And that he would have to head north to deal with them, but promised that, out of respect for the future mother of his children, that he would leave Benjen as the next Lord of Winterfell. And that should Ned survive that he would allow him to live out the remainder of his life at the Wall.

" He then followed that statement up by saying that, before he left, he had to make sure that his line was secure. That I needed to be pregnant. I told him that, if he was insistent on killing my brother after what his father did, that I would bite his cock off if it got even close to me! He then, gods, the look in his eyes. He told me that if I did not submit willingly, that he would have his Kingsguard hold me down so he could impregnate me and then he would end House Stark for good. But if I complied and provided him with his heir, then and only then, would he grant mercy to my brother Benjen. He said all of it so calmly, as if we were talking about the fucking weather! I had no choice and…I…gods…I didn't fight back as he took me over and over again. Two weeks later I missed my moon blood and a week later Rhaegar went off to war, leaving the newly arrived Lord Commander of the Kingsguard along with Arthur and Oswell behind to 'protect me'. "

Feeling sick to his stomach once more, Jon pushed the journal away from him. Thinking he was just a bastard born from a moment of weakness was one thing. Knowing that he was born from rape was – gods that was infinitely worse! Even if he was technically 'trueborn'. The thought of just how he came to be sickened him and made him wish that his 'father' would come back from beyond the grave just so that he could send him back to whatever hell he was currently in!

" Despite how you came into being my son, I hold nothing but love for you. I fell in love with you the moment it was confirmed that you were growing within me. The sins of your father are not yours, my son.

" After the man who sired you left (I refuse to call him your father my son), my life became duller than dull. The only people I had to talk too were the three Kingsguard, none of whom I wish to even see, and the one serving girl named Wylla that Ser Arthur managed to get permission from Rhaegar to bring back from his home in order to help me as my pregnancy progressed. Wylla was nice enough, but I can tell that she is scared out of her mind. And it is no wonder why as the esteemed Lord Commander told her that should she ever breath a word of what was going on here that he would cut her down without hesitation. Such a wonderful man.

" For months I have been stuck with nothing to do but think and, well, talk to myself. But then the news came that had me just about on the floor laughing for joy. Rhaegar was dead. Killed on the banks of the Trident by Robert Baratheon! That act alone was enough to elevate the man somewhat in my mind, though I still didn't want him within a few leagues of me considering the way he acted the first time we met. With Rhaegar's death, the tide of the Rebellion shifted and the coalition of Northmen, Valemen, Riverlanders and those from the Stormlands started pushing the loyalist back all the way to King's Landing. I was openly praying to the old gods for my brother's success in dethroning the Mad King, something that I knew irked the Kingsgaurd, especially the Lord Commander, more than a little. Which of course only made me pray louder and more frequently!

" The next message that was brought to the tower however destroyed what little hope I had left in me. King's Landing had been sacked and the Mad King killed by his own Kingsguard. That news was cause for celebration, however – Elia…my sweet desert rose was murdered. Raped and murdered with the blood of a child still on her killer's hands. And her daughter, my soon-to-be unofficial daughter, was stabbed nearly a hundred times. And Robert, he laughed at their corpses! And my brother, my sweet Ned, did nothing! The one person who I had come to truly love, the one who explained to me just who I truly was and accepted me for it and even loved me, was dead! And no one seemed to give two shits about it! I just…"

The writing faded off as there were clear signs of water droplets having fallen onto the page and smeared the writing. 'Not water droplets, ' he realized, feeling his own eyes swell. 'Tears. Tears for the woman she loved and the woman who was torn from her so violently. '

" Sorry, I couldn't write for a while after that. I thought I'd come to terms with what happened, but I realize now that I haven't, and I probably never will. But I guess this is it my son. Now you know everything that happened. Gods only know what people say happened during all of this, but I doubt it is the full truth. So, I guess that I need to end this as I don't really know what else to tell you my son. I just wanted you to know the truth of your birth and to let you know that even though bringing you into this world will end my life, I will gladly pay the price. I love you my dear son. I know that your uncle will raise you to become a good man. And I just want to say that, even though you have the blood of the dragon within you, you also have the blood of the wolves. And between the two of us, I know that the blood of the wolves is far far stronger than that of the dragon. And I just wanted to say that I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry that I won't be there to watch you take your first steps. I won't be there to listen to your first words. I won't be there to wrench your ear and tan your hide when I catch you with a young girl in some darkened corner. And I won't be there to watch as you cloak a young girl with whatever sigil you take for yourself. But even though I might not be there physically, I will always be watching over you from the realm of the gods, my little dragonwolf.

" Oh, one last thing. The man who sired you wanted you to be named Aegon. Well, I'd rather shit down my own throat than give two shits what that man wanted. So, I decided on a much more fitting name for you my son. Jaehaerys Targaryen, or Jaehaerys Stark, whichever you prefer. Or perhaps a new surname to make a fresh start. I'm sure you can guess my preference, but I want this to be your choice my son. Goodbye, my son. Live long and live well.

" Your loving mother, Lyanna Stark nee Martell nee Targaryen. "

He read the last words ever written by his mother time and time again, trying to picture her sitting in that accursed tower, tears streaming down her face as she penned her last words to him. 'Jaehaerys, ' he thought, his fingers tracing his mother's elegant, yet somehow still sloppy, script. 'My name, my true name isn't Jon Snow…but rather Jaehaerys. I, it's the name my mother gave me, and I want to honor her. But gods, I don't want anything to do with my father – no. Lord Eddard Stark is my father. Rhaegar Targaryen is merely the man who sired me. Nothing more. '

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