About the Author 8 страница

At that, Big Sam be lickin his chops, an it didn't take no idiot to figger out that if I let him win jus one game, he was gonna be satisfied, an have me for his supper, then an there. Kinda kep me on my toes, if you know what I mean.

Meantime, a very strange thing has happened with Major Fritch.

One day she is walkin back from the cotton fields with Sue an me, when a big ole black arm poke out from a clump of bushes an beckon her over. Me an Sue stopped, an Major Fritch walk over to the clump of bushes an say, " Who's that in there? " All of a sudden, the big ole arm reached out an grapped a holt of Major Fritch an snatched her into the bush. Sue an me looked at each other an then run over to where she was. Sue got there first an I was about to leap into the bushes mysef, when Sue stop me. He start shakin his head an wavin me away, an we walked off a little bit an waited. They was all sorts of souns comin from in there, an the bushes is shakin like crazy. I finally figgered out what was goin on, but from the soun of Major Fritch's voice, it didn't appear she was in no danger or nothin, so Sue an me went on back to the village.

Bout a hour later, here come Major Fritch an this great big ole feller who is grinnin ear-to-ear. She has got him by the han, leadin him along. She bring him into the hovel an say to me, " Forrest, I want you to meet Grurck, "

an she lead him forward.

" Hi, " I say. I had seen this feller aroun the village before. Grurck be grinnin an noddin an I nodded back. Sue, he be scratchin his balls.

" Grurck done axed me to move in with him, " she say, " an I think I will, since it is sort of crowded in here for the three of us, wouldn't you say? "

I nod my head.

" Forrest. You wouldn't tell nobody bout this, would you? " Major Fritch axed.

Now who in hell was she thinkin I would tell, is what I want to know? But I just shook my head, an Major Fritch got her shit an went off with Grurck to his place. An that's the way it was.

* * *

       The days an months an finally the years come an go, an ever day me an Sue an Major Fritch be workin in the cotton fields, an I am beginnin to feel like Uncle Remus or somebody. At night, after I finish wuppin Big Sam at chess, I go into the hovel with ole Sue an we set aroun for a wile. It has got to where Sue an me can sort of talk to each other, gruntin an makin faces an wavin our hans. After a long time I am able to piece together his life story, an it turn out to be bout as sorry as mine.

       When he was jus a little bitty ape, Sue's mama an poppa was walkin in the jungle one day when these guys come along an thowed a net over them, an drug them off. He managed to get on with an aunt an uncle till they kicked him out for eatin too much, an then he was on his own.

       He was okay, jus swingin in the trees an eatin bananas till one day he got curious bout what is goin on in the rest of the world, an he swang hissef thru tree after tree till he come on a village near the edge of the jungle. He is thirsty an come down an set by a stream to drink some water when this feller come by paddlin a canoe. Sue ain't never seen a canoe, so he set there watchin it an the feller paddle over to him. He think the feller want to give him a ride, but instead, the feller conked Sue over the head with his oar an hog-tied him an nex thing he knew, he was sold to some guy that put him in a exhibit in Paris.

       There was this other orangutang in the exhibit, name of Doris, what was one of the finest-looking apes he had ever seed, an after a wile, they fell in love. The guy that had the exhibit took them aroun the world, an everplace he'd go, the main attraction was to put Doris an Sue together in a cage so's everbody could watch them screw—that was the kind of exhibit it was. Anyway, it was kinda embarrassin for ole Sue, but it were the only chance they had.

       Then one time they was on exhibit in Japan, an some guy come up to the feller running the show an offer to buy Doris. So off she went, Sue knowed not where, an he was by hissef.

       That caused a definate change in Sue's attitude. He got grouchy, an when they put him on display, he took to growlin an snarlin an finally he begun takin a shit an then flingin the shit thru the cage bars all over them people what had paid their good money to see what an orangutang acts like.

       After a wile of this, the exhibit feller got fed up an sold Sue to the NASA people an that's how come he wind up here. I know how he feels a little, cause he's still lonesome for Doris, an I'm still lonesome for Jenny Curran, an ain't a day go by I ain't wonderin what's become of her. But here we both is, stuck out in the middle of nowhere.

       * * *

       The cotton farmin adventure of Big Sam's is beyon anyone's wildest dreams. We has sowed an harvested bale after bale, an they is storin it in big grass shacks built up off the groun. Finally one day, Big Sam say they is fixin to construct a big boat—a barge—to load up the cotton an fight our way thru pygmy country down to where we can sell the cotton an make a fortune.

       " I have got it all figured out, " Big Sam says. " First we auction off the cotton and get our money. Then we will use it to buy the kinds of things my people need. "

       I axed him what was that, an he say, " Oh, you know, old sport, beads and trinkets, perhaps a mirror or two—a portable radio and maybe a box of good Cuban cigars—and a case or two of booze. "

       So this is the kind of deal we is in.

       Anyhow, the months go by, an we is harvesting the last cotton crop of the season. Big Sam has done just bout finished the river barge that is to take us thru pygmy country to the town, an the night before we is to leave, they hold a big hoedown to celebrate everthin an also ward off evil spirits.

       All the tribe be settin aroun the fire chantin " boola-boola" and beatin on they drums. They has also drug out that big cauldron an got it on the fire steamin an boilin, but Big Sam say it is only a " symbolic gesture. "

       We is settin there playin chess, an let me tell you this—I am so excited I am bout to bust! Just let us get near a town or city, an we is long gone. Ole Sue knows the deal too, cause he's settin over there with a big grin on his face, ticklin hissef under the arms.

       We has played one or two games of chess an is bout to finish another, when I suddenly look down, an damned if Big Sam ain't got me in check. He is smilin so big, all I can see in the dark is his teeth, an I figger I had better get outta this situation quick.

       Only problem is, I can't. Wile I've been assin aroun countin my chickens afore they're hatched, I have put mysef in a impossible position on the chessboard. They ain't no way out.

       I studied that thing for a wile, my frown lit up plain as day from the fire's reflection off Big Sam's smilin teeth, an then I says, " Ah, look here—I got to go pee. " Big Sam nod, still grinnin, an I'll tell you this, it was the first time I can remember when sayin somethin like that got me out of trouble instead of in it.

       * * *

       I went on back behin the hovel an took a pee, but then instead of goin back to the chess game, I went in an got ole Sue an splained to him what the deal was. Then I snuck up on Grurck's hut an whispered for Major Fritch.

       She come out, an I tole her too, an say we'd better get our butts outta here afore we is all parboiled or somethin.

       Well, we all decided to make a break for it. Grurck, he say he's comin with us on account of he's in love with Major Fritch—or however he expressed it. Anyway, the four of us started creepin out of the village an we got down to the edge of the river an was just bout to get in one of the native canoes, when all of a sudden I look up an standin there over me is Big Sam with about a thousan of his natives, lookin mean an disappointed.

       " Come now, old sport, " he say, " did you really think you could outsmart this old devil? " An I tell him, " Oh, we was jus goin for a canoe ride in the moonlite—you know what I mean? "

       " Yeah, " he say, he knowed what I meant, an then his men grapped us up an haul us back to the village under armed guard. The cookin cauldron is bubblin an steamin to beat the band an they has got us tied to stakes in the groun an the outlook is somethin less than rosy.

       " Well, old sport, " Big Sam say, " this is a unfortunate turn of events indeed. But look at it this way, you will at least be able to console yourself by the knowledge that you have fed a hungry mouth or two. And also, I must tell you this—you are without a doubt the best chess player I have ever encountered, and I was the chess champion of Yale for three of the four years I was there.



       " As for you, madam, " Big Sam say to Major Fritch, " I am sorry to have to bring your little affaire d'amour with old Grurck here to an end, but you know how it is. "

       " No I don't know how it is, you despicable savage, " Major Fritch say. " Where do you get off, anyway? You oughta be ashamed of yoursef! "

       " Perhaps we can serve you an Grurck on the same platter, " Big Sam chuckled, " a little light an dark meat—myself, I'll take a thigh, or possibly a breast—now that would be a nice touch. "

       " You vile, unspeakable ass! " say Major Fritch.

       " Whatever, " Big Sam says. " And now, let the feast begin! "

       They begun untyin us an a bunch of them jiggaboos hauled us towards the cookin pot. They lifted up po ole Sue first, cause Big Sam say he will make good " stock, " an they was holdin him above the cauldron about to thow him in, when lo an behole, a arrow come out of noplace an strike one of the fellers hoistin up Sue. The feller fall down an Sue drop on top of him. Then more arrows come rainin down on us from the edge of the jungle, an everbody is in a panic.

       " It is the pygmies! " shout Big Sam. " Get to your arms! " an everbody run to get they spears an knives.

       Since we ain't got no spears or knives, Major Fritch, me an Sue an Grurck start runnin down towards the river again, but we ain't no more than ten feet down the path when all of a sudden we is snatched up feet first by some kind of snares set in the trees.

       We is hangin there, upside down like bats, an all the blood rushin to our heads, when this little guy come out of the brush an he be laughin an gigglin at us all trussed up. All sorts of savage sounds are comin from the village, but after a wile, everthing quiet down. Then a bunch of other pygmies come an cut us down an tie our hans an feet an lead us back to the village.

       It is a sight! They has captured Big Sam an all his natives an has them tied up han an foot too. Look like they is bout to thow them into the boilin pot.

       " Well, old sport, " Big Sam say, " seems like you were saved in the nick of time, doesn't it? "

       I nod my head, but I ain't sure if we isn't jus out of the fryin pan an into the fire.

       " Tell you what, " says Big Sam, " looks like it's all over for me an my fellers, but maybe you have a chance. If you can get to that harmonica of yours an play a little tune or two, it might save your life. The king of the pygmies is crazy for American music. "

       " Thanks, " I say.

       " Don't mention it, old sport, " Big Sam say. They lifted him up high an was holdin him over the boilin cauldron, an suddenly he call out to me, " Knight to bishop three—then rook ten to king seven—that's how I beat you! "

       They was a big splash, and then all Big Sam's trussed-up natives begun chantin " boola-boola" again. Things are lookin down for us all.



16

       AFTER THEY DONE FINISHED COOKIN BIG SAM'S TRIBE, AN shrinkin they heads, the pygmies slung us between long poles an carried us off like pigs into the jungle.

       " What do you spose they intend to do with us? " Major Fritch call out to me.

       " I don't know, an I don't give a shit, " I call back, an that were about the truth. I'm tired of all this crappola. A man can take jus so much.

       Anyhow, after about a day or so we come to the village of the pygmies, an as you might expec, they has got a bunch of little tiny huts in a clearin in the jungle. They truck us up to a hut in the center of the clearin where there is a bunch of pygmies standin aroun—an one little ole feller with a long white beard an no teeth settin up in a high chair like a baby. I figger him to be the king of the pygmies.

       They tumped us out onto the groun an untied us, an we stood up an dusted ourselfs off an the king of the pygmies commence jabberin some gibberish an then he get down from his chair an go straight up to Sue an kick him in the balls.

       " How come he done that? " I axed Grurck, who had learnt to speak some English wile he was livin with Major Fritch.

       " Him want to know if ape is boy or girl, " Grurck say.

       I figger there must be a nicer way to find that out, but I ain't sayin nothin.

       Then the king, he come up to me an start talkin some of that gibberish—pygmalion, or whatever it is—an I'm preparing to get kicked in the balls too, but Grurck say, " Him want to know why you livin with them awful cannibals. "

       " Tell him it weren't exactly our idea, " Major Fritch pipe up an say.

       " I got a idea, " I says. " Tell him we is American musicians. "

       Grurck say this to the king an he be peerin at us real hard, an then he axe Grurck somethin.

       " What's he say? " Major Fritch want to know.

       " Him axe what the ape plays, " say Grurck.

       " Tell him the ape plays the spears, " I say, an Grurck do that, an then the king of the pygmies announce he want to hear us perform.

       I get out my harmonica an start playin a little tune—" De Camptown Races. " King of the pygmies listen for a minute, then he start clappin his hans an doin what look to be a clog dance.

       After I'm finished, he say he wants to know what Major Fritch an Grurck plays, an I tell Grurck to say Major Fritch plays the knives an that Grurck don't play nothin—he is the manager.

       King of the pygmies look sort of puzzled an say he ain't never heard of anybody playin knives or spears before, but he tell his men to give Sue some spears an Major Fritch some knives an let's see what sort of music we come up with.

       Soon as we get the spears an knives, I say, " Okay—now! " an ole Sue conk the king of the pygmies over the head with his spear an Major Fritch threatened a couple of pygmies with her knives an we run off into the jungle with the pygmies in hot pursuit.



       * * *

       The pygmies be thowin all sorts of rocks an shit at us from behin, an shootin they bows an arrows an darts from blowguns an such. Suddenly we come out on the bank of a river an ain't no place to go, an the pygmies are catchin up fast. We is bout to jump into the river an swim for it, when suddenly from the opposite side of the river a rifle shot ring out.

       The pygmies are right on top of us, but another rifle shot ring out an they turn tail an run back into the jungle. We be lookin across the river an lo an behole on the other bank they is a couple of fellers wearin bush jackets an them white pith helmets like you used to see in Ramar of the Jungle. They step into a canoe an be paddlin towards us, an as they get closer, I seen one of them is got NASA stamped on his pith helmet. We is finally rescued.

       When the canoe reach our shore, the guy with NASA stamped on his helmet get out an come up to us. He go right up to ole Sue an stick out his han an say, " Mister Gump, I presume? "

       " Where the fuck has you assholes been? " hollared Major Fritch. " We been stranded in the jungle nearly four goddamn years! "

       " Sorry bout that, ma'am, " the feller say, " but we has got our priorities, too, you know. "

       Anyway, we is at last saved from a fate worse than death, an they loaded us up in the canoe an started paddlin us downriver. One of the fellers say, " Well folks, civilization is just aroun the corner. I reckon you'll all be able to sell your stories to a magazine an make a fortune. "

       " Stop the canoe! " Major Fritch suddenly call out.

       The fellers look at one another, but they paddle the canoe over to the bank.

       " I have made a decision, " Major Fritch say. " For the first time in my life, I have found a man that truly understands me, an I am not going to let him go. For nearly four years, Grurck an I have lived happily in this land, an I have decided to stay here with him. We will go off in the jungle an make a new life for ourselfs, an raise a family an live happily ever after. "

       " But this man is a cannibal, " one of the fellers say.

       " Eat your heart out, buster, " says Major Fritch, an she an Grurck get out of the canoe an start back into the jungle again, han in han. Jus before they disappeared, Major Fritch turn aroun an give Sue an me a little wave, an then off they go.

       I looked back to the end of the canoe, an ole Sue is settin there twistin his fingers.

       " Wait a minute, " I says to the fellers. I go back an set down on the seat nex to Sue an say, " What you thinkin bout? "

       Sue ain't sayin nothin, but they is a little bitty tear in his eye, an I knowed then what was bout to happen. He grapped me aroun the shoulders in a big hug, an then leaped out of the boat an ran up a tree on the shore. Last we seen of him, he is swingin away thru the jungle on a vine.

       The feller from NASA be shakin his head. " Well, what about you, numbnuts? You gonna follow your friends there into Bonzoland? "

       I looked after them for a minute, then I said, " Uh, uh, " an set back down in the canoe. Wile they was paddlin us away, don't you believe I didn't think bout it for a moment. But I jus couldn't do it. I reckon I got other weenies to roast.



       * * *

       They flown me back to America an tole me on the way how there was to be a big welcome home reception for me, but seems like I have heard that before.

       Sure enough tho, soon as we landed in Washington bout a million people was on han, cheerin an clappin an actin like they is glad to see me. They drove me into town in the back seat of a big ole black car an said they was takin me to the White House to see the President. Yep, I been there before too.

       Well, when we get to the White House, I'm expectin to see the same ole President what fed me breakfast an let me watch " The Beverly Hillbillies, " but they is got a new President now—feller with his hair all slicked back, puffy little cheeks an a nose look like Pinocchio's.

       " Tell me now, " this President say, " did you have an exciting trip? "

       A feller in a suit standin next to the President lean over an whisper somethin to him, an suddenly the President say, " Oh, ah, accually what I meant was, how great it is that you have escaped from your ordeal in the jungle. "

       The feller in the suit whisper somethin else to the President, an he say to me, " Er, now what about your companion? "

       " Sue? " I say.

       " Was that her name? " Now he be lookin at a little card in his han. " Says here it was a Major Janet Fritch, and that even as you were being rescued she was dragged off into the jungle by a cannibal. "

       " Where it say that? " I axed.

       " Right here, " the President say.

       " That's not so, " I says.

       " Are you suggesting I am a liar? " say the President.

       " I'm jus sayin it ain't so, " I says.

       " Now look here, " say the President, " I am your commander in chief. I am not a crook. I do not lie! "

       " I am very sorry, " I says, " but it ain't the truth bout Major Fritch. You jus take that off a card, but—"

       " Tape! " the President shout.

       " Huh? " I says.

       " No, no, " says the feller in the suit. " He said 'take' —not 'tape'—Mister President. "

       " TAPE! " scream the President. " I told you never to mention that word in my presence again! You are all a bunch of disloyal Communist swines. " The President be poundin hissef on the knee with his fist.

       " None of you understand. I don't know anything bout anything! I never heard of anything! And if I did, I either forgot it, or it is top secret! "

       " But Mister President, " say the feller in the suit, " he didn't say it. He only said—"

       " Now you are calling me a liar! " he say. " You're fired! "

       " But you can't fire me, " the feller say. " I am the Vice President. "

       " Well, pardon me for saying so, " says the President, " but you are never going to make President if you go aroun calling your commander in chief a liar. "



       " No, I guess you're right, " say the Vice President. " I beg your pardon. "

       " No, I beg yours, " the President say.

       " Whatever, " say the Vice President, kinda fiddlin with hissef. " If you will all excuse me now, I have to go pee. "

       " That's the first sensible idea I have heard all day, " say the President. Then he turn to me an axe, " Say, aren't you the same fellow that played ping-pong and saved the life of old Chairman Mao? "

       I says, " Yup, " an the President say, " Well what did you want to do a thing like that for? "

       An I says, " Cause he was drownin, " an the President say, " You should have held him under, instead of saving him. Anyway, it's history now, because the son of a bitch died while you were away in the jungle. "

       " You got a tv set? " I axed.

       The President look at me kind of funny. " Yeah, I have one, but I don't watch it much these days. Too much bad news. "

       " You ever watch 'The Beverly Hillbillies'? " I say.

       " It's not on yet, " he say.

       " What is? " I axed.

       " 'To Tell the Truth'—but you don't want to look at that—it's a bunch of shit. " Then he say, " Look here, I have a meeting to go to, why don't I walk you to the door? " When we get outside on the porch, an the President say in a very low voice, " Listen, you want to buy a watch? "

       I say, " Huh? " an he step over close to me an shove up the sleeve on his suit an lo an behole he must of had twenty or thirty wristwatches aroun his arm.

       " I ain't got no money, " I says.

       The President, he roll down his sleeve an pat me on the back. " Well, you come back when you do and we'll work something out, okay? "

       He shook my han an a bunch of photographers come up an start takin our picher an then I'm gone. But I'll say this, that President seem like a nice feller after all.

       * * *

       Anyhow, I'm wonderin what they gonna do with me now, but I don't have to wonder long.

       It took bout a day or so for things to quiet down, an they had put me up in a hotel, but then a couple of fellers come in one afternoon an say, " Listen here, Gump, the free ride's over. The government ain't payin for none of this anymore—you're on your own now. "

       " Well, okay, " I say, " but how bout givin me a little travelin money to get home on. I'm kinda light right now. "

       " Forget it, Gump, " they say. " You is lucky not to be in jail for conkin the Clerk of the Senate on the head with that medal. We done you a favor to get you off that rap—but we is washin our hans of your ass as of right now. "

       So I had to leave the hotel. Since I ain't got no things to pack, it wadn't hard, an I just went out on the street.

       I walked a wile, down past the White House where the President live, an to my suprise they is a whole bunch of people out front got on rubber masks of the President's face an they is carryin some kind of signs. I figger he must be pleased to be so popular with everbody.



17

       EVEN THO THEY SAID THEY WOULDN'T GIVE ME NO MONEY, one of the fellers did loan me a dollar before I lef the hotel. First chance I got, I phoned home to the po house where my mama was stayin to let her know I'm okay. But one of them nuns says, " We ain't got no Mrs. Gump here no longer. "

       When I axed where she was, the nun say, " Dunno—she done run off with some protestant. " I thanked her an hanged up the phone. In a way, I'm sort of relieved. At least mama done run off with somebody, an ain't in the po house no more. I figger I got to find her, but to tell the truth, I ain't in no big hurry, cause sure as it's gonna rain, she'll be bawlin an hollerin an fussin at me on account of I lef home.

       It did rain. Rained cats an dogs an I foun me a awnin to stand under till some guy come out an run me off. I was soakin wet an cold an walkin past some government buildin in Washington when I seen a big ole plastic garbage bag settin in the middle of the sidewalk. Just as I get close to it, the bag commenced to move a little bit, like there is somethin in there!

       I stopped an went up to the bag an nudged it a little with my toe. Suddenly the bag jump bout four feet back an a voice come out from under it, say, " Git the fuck away from me! "

       " Who is that in there? " I axed, an the voice say back, " This is my grate—you go find your own. "

       " What you talkin bout? " I say.

       " My grate, " the voice say. " Git off my grate! "

       " What grate? " I axed.

       All of a sudden the bag lift up a little an a feller's head peek out, squintin up at me like I'm some kinda idiot.

       " You new in town or somethin? " the feller says.

       " Sort of, " I answered. " I'm jus tryin to get outta the rain. "

       The feller under the bag is pretty sorry-lookin, half bald-headed, ain't shaved in months, eyes all red an bloodshot an most of his teeth gone.

       " Well, " he say, " in that case I reckon it okay for a little wile—here. " He reach up an han me another garbage bag, all folded up.

       " What I'm sposed to do with this? " I axed.

       " Open it up an git under it, you damn fool—you said you wanted to git outta the rain. " An then he pull his bag back down over hissef.

       Well, I did what he said, an to tell you the truth, it wadn't so bad, really. They was some hot air comin up outta the grate an it make the bag all warm an cozy inside an kep off the rain. We be squattin side-by-side on the grate with the bags over us an after a wile the feller says over to me, " What's your name anyway? "

       " Forrest, " I says.

       " Yeah? I knew a guy named Forrest once. Longtime ago. "

       " What's your name? " I axed.

       " Dan, " he say.

       " Dan? Dan? —hey, wait a minute, " I says. I thowed off my garbage bag an went an lifted up the bag off the feller an it was him! Ain't got no legs, an he is settin on a little wood cart with roller-skate wheels on the bottom.

       Must of aged twenty years, an I could hardly recognize him. But it was him. It was ole Lieutenant Dan!



       * * *

       After he had got out of the Army hospital, Dan went back to Connecticut to try to get back his ole job teachin history. But they wadn't no history job available, so they made him teach math. He hated math, an besides, the math class was on the secont floor of the school an he had a hell of a time makin it up the stairs with no legs an all. Also, his wife done run off with a tv producer that lived in New Yawk an she sued him for divorce on grounds of " incompatibility. "

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