CHAPTER THIRTEEN

The hair salon was a block from the bail bonds office. I dropped Grandma off and checked in with Connie. Lula was absent. Potts was present. He jumped up off the couch when he saw me.

“Thank goodness you’re safe, ” he said. “I don’t know how I missed you. I spent the whole night in front of your door. And then when it was almost lunchtime and you weren’t answering when I knocked and yelled, the super came to see what was wrong. So, he went in to make sure you weren’t dead, and that’s when I found out you weren’t there. How did you get past me? ”

“You were asleep, ” I said. “I stepped over you. ”

“From now on I’m not going to sleep, ” he said. “Never. ”

“If you didn’t come soon, I was going to lock him in the storeroom, ” Connie said. “He won’t leave. And he hums. ”

“Anything new? ” I asked Connie.

“Angie Mackie told my mom that she saw Lou Salgusta come out of Carlotta’s Bakery yesterday afternoon. She said he was carrying a flamethrower and limping. And Lula just cracked a tooth. She was trying to open a beer bottle with her teeth. She’s at the dentist. ”

“Why was she trying to open it with her teeth? ”

“We had pizza delivered for lunch, and Lula found a couple beers in the fridge, but we couldn’t find the opener. She said she saw a guy open a beer bottle with his teeth once. I bet her a dollar she couldn’t do it. And she cracked her tooth. ”

“Did she get the bottle open? ” I asked.

“Not with her teeth. She popped it open with a screwdriver. ” Connie handed me a computer printout. “This is the latest on Charlie Shine. He’s using his credit card at restaurants and grocery stores. He’s staying away from places where he would be recognized. Not shopping at Giovichinni’s. He’s moving around but he never seems to go out of the greater Trenton area. At least not with his Charlie Shine ID. There are gaps between credit card expenditures, so it’s possible he’s using a bogus ID as well. ”

“Thanks, ” I said to Connie. “I’ll take the printout. Maybe I can see a pattern. Grandma’s at the hair salon. I’m going to see if she needs a ride home. ”

“Take the hummer with you. ”

Potts followed me out and stopped when he saw the Buick.

“This is your car? ” he said. “I mean, you’re really driving this Buick? It’s a classic. I’ve never seen one of these in person. ”

I hated the Buick. I only borrowed it when I had no other choice. It was a bulbous sow, lumbering down the street, grunting and wheezing. I felt like Betty Rubble when I was behind the wheel, wrestling the beast around corners.

I opened the back door for him, and he sprawled across the seat.

“Wow, ” he said. “This is huge. It’s like a bedroom back here. ”

I drove a block, parked in front of the hair salon, and called Grandma. No answer. I left Potts in the car and I went into the salon. It wasn’t big. Dottie and Irene Hurley had their own styling stations and they also did nails. They were younger than Grandma, but not by much.

“Edna left with Ruth Kuleski, ” Dottie said. “She got a quick nail color change, and Ruth drove her somewhere. Edna said she was going on an adventure. And Ruth said she was going to have lunch with her daughter. ”

“An adventure? ” I asked.

“That’s what Edna said. Off to find a treasure. ”

Crap!

I ran out of the salon and took off for the Mole Hole. I forgot about Potts in the backseat. I crossed over the railroad tracks and he started humming.

Double crap.

“Where are we going? ” he asked.

“The Mole Hole. I need to check on something. ”

I pulled into the lot and skidded to a stop. “Stay here, ” I told Potts. “I’ll be right out. ”

I marched into the bar and stood for a moment, letting my eyes adjust to the dim light. Two girls were working the poles and the bar was packed with lunchtimers. I approached one of the bartenders and asked if an older woman had come into the bar.

“There’s an older couple in the booth to the right and a single woman is halfway around the bar. ”

I scanned the bar and spotted Grandma. She was eating a burger and watching the stripper directly in front of her.

“One more question, ” I said to the bartender. “Have you seen Charlie Shine today? ”

“No one sees Charlie Shine, ” he said.

“How about Lou? ”

“Salgusta? Never heard of him. ”

“Anyone in the back room? ”

“Some furniture movers. It’s getting redecorated. ”

I walked around the bar to Grandma. All the stools were taken so I sidled up next to her.

“Looks like a good burger, ” I said.

“It’s excellent, ” she said. “And this young lady on the pole is amazing. She can do an upside-down and a split. And she can do a full squat to get money stuffed into her G-string. I wish I could do that. My knees aren’t what they used to be. What are you doing here? Did you come for lunch? ”

“No. I’m here because I thought you might be here. ”

“I came to investigate the tunnels, but I thought I’d have a burger first. The Mole Hole makes the best burger in town. ”

“Finish your burger while I peek into the back room. We can’t access the tunnel if the room is occupied. ”

I walked around the bar and opened the door to the back room. The La-Z-Boy recliners were gone and had been replaced by five leather club chairs. There was a thick cream-colored rug on the floor and a new big-screen TV on the wall. The rickety card table had been replaced by an elaborate dark wood poker table and six poker table chairs on casters.

Two men in T-shirts and jeans were arranging side tables by three of the club chairs. Two forty-something chunky men in suits were leaning against the far wall, arms crossed over their chests, eyes focused on me.

“This is a private party, ” one of the suits said. “This isn’t a public room. ”

“I’m looking for Charlie and Lou, ” I said. “Have you seen them? ”

“Maybe, ” he said. “Who are you? ”

“Stephanie Plum. ”

He smiled and looked over at the other suit. “This is our lucky day, Ed. Just when we’re wondering how we’re going to snatch Stephanie Plum, she brings herself to us. ”

“Yeah, lucky us, ” Ed said. “Unlucky her. ”

The door pushed open behind me, and Grandma stepped in. “I thought I’d give it a peek, too, ” she said.

“Well, what have we got here? ” Ed asked.

“I’m Edna, ” Grandma said. “Who are you? ”

“I’m Ed. And this is Chick. ”

The other suit nodded and smiled at Grandma.

“This is a very nice room you have back here. I like the decorating, ” Grandma said. “Although, I’m guessing Benny will miss his La-Z-Boy. ”

“I’m thinking we have Stephanie Plum’s granny here, ” Ed said.

“Yeah, we hit the jackpot, ” Chick said. “It would be good if you two ladies would move away from the door. ”

“Actually, we’re going to be heading out, ” I said. “Nice meeting you. ”

Both of the suits pulled guns and the two guys in jeans moved to the back of the room. I heard Grandma take in a sharp breath, and I wrapped my hand around her wrist and gave it a fast squeeze.

“Step away from the door, ” Ed said. “There’s people who want to talk to you and Granny. ”

My heart was running at double time, beating so hard I had blurred vision. Bad enough I had stumbled into this—now I had Grandma in their crosshairs.

“Who wants to talk to us? ” I asked.

“People, ” Ed said. “You got a hearing problem? ”

“That’s rude, ” Grandma said. “The La-Z-Boys would never talk to a lady like that. ”

I was calculating the distance between Grandma and me and the open door and the time it would take the gorilla in a suit to pull the trigger. Probably he wouldn’t kill us because people wouldn’t like that. On the other hand, people might think I was expendable. Grandma had the key to the treasure. I was most likely just a pain in the ass. So, they might be willing to kill me and run down Grandma. I was about to turn and drag Grandma through the door when Potts burst in.

“Here you are, ” he said. “I got worried when you didn’t come right out. So, I came to see if you were okay. ”

Potts spotted the two goons in suits and his eyes got wide. “Oh b-b-boy, ” he said.

“What the heck, ” Ed said.

Without a thought in my head, I acted on the distraction, spun Potts around, and shoved him toward the door. “Run! ”

“What? ” he said.

“RUN! ”

Ed yelled to the two guys in jeans to grab us, but we were already out of the room, rounding the bar. Potts stumbled into a waitress, carrying a tray full of food, and everything flew off the tray and crashed onto the floor.

“Oh jeez, ” Potts said to the waitress. “I’m so sorry. ”

“No time, ” I said, grabbing him and shoving him through the room and out the door.

I stuffed Grandma and Potts into the Buick, jumped behind the wheel, and stomped on the gas pedal. The two suits stood squinting in the sun, watching us chug down the street.

“Did I save you? ” Potts asked.

“Yes, ” I said. “Absolutely. ”

“Were those real guns? ”

“Yes, again. ”

“That caught me by surprise, ” Grandma said. “I know I’m in a dangerous situation being that everyone thinks I hold the key to the treasure, but I wasn’t expecting to be kidnapped by two men in suits. They looked so respectable. ”

“They looked like thugs to me, ” Potts said. “Of course, they already had their guns out when I came in, so that might have something to do with my first impression. I thought they looked like mob guys in those old Al Capone movies. ”

“You could be right, ” Grandma said. “I wasn’t thinking about Al Capone. I was thinking about the La-Z-Boys. They wore more comfortable clothes that had some elastic in the waistband. ”

“Elastic waistbands are excellent, especially if you have intestinal issues, ” Potts said.

“Who are you? ” Grandma asked Potts.

“I’m Potts, ” Potts said.

I brought Grandma home and suggested she not share this adventure with my mother.

“No problem, ” Grandma said. “I have enough problems getting out of the house as it is. ”

I returned to the office and left Potts outside, guarding the door.

“I stopped in at the Mole Hole, ” I told Connie. “The back room was getting a makeover. New chairs, new rug, and a poker table. New goons. ”

“Who ordered the makeover? ”

“I don’t know. I was hoping you knew. ”

“I haven’t heard anything. ”

I set my messenger bag on the floor and sat in one of the chairs in front of her desk. “There were two young guys moving furniture around. Looked like wiseguy wannabes. And there were two guys in suits. Ed and Chick. They were in their forties. Chunky. Looked like muscle. They said someone wanted to see me and Grandma, and the two morons pulled guns on us. ”

“Grandma was with you? ”

“I caught up with her there. Anyway, Potts came bumbling in and created enough chaos that we were able to get out. ”

“It sounds like someone is reorganizing the La-Z-Boys, ” Connie said.

“Or someone is taking over the La-Z-Boy territory. ”

“I’ll call Mom, ” Connie said. “She’ll find out what’s going on. We haven’t got as much inside pull since Uncle Jimmy died, but we’re still in the network. ”

I looked toward the front of the office. I could see Potts standing at attention, super alert.

“I can’t get rid of him, ” I said. “He won’t go away. ”

“No good deed goes unpunished, ” Connie said. “And while we’re on the subject of good deeds, it would be good for my end-of-the-month balance sheet if you could snag Trotter. ”

Potts was sitting on the edge of the Buick’s backseat, looking over my shoulder.

“Where are we going? Is it going to be dangerous? Should I have a gun? Do you have a gun? ”

“We’re going to Stiller Street. And no, no, and no. ”

There was a good chance that Trotter would be home for lunch. It didn’t go well last time I approached him, but I was better prepared this time. I knew what to expect. And with any luck at all, he’d be passed out.

I turned onto Stiller and parked behind Trotter’s van.

“Is this it? ” Potts asked. “What should I do? Should I go in first and make sure it’s safe for you? I’m okay with taking a bullet. Just in case, I’m wearing a medical bracelet that has my blood type. ”

“Wait in the car. I won’t be long. ”

“You said that last time, but you didn’t come out right away. ”

I walked to the door and rang the bell. I had my stun gun in one pocket and cuffs in another. Potts was behind me.

“I know you said to stay in the car, ” he said, “but bodyguards in the movies are always close to the bodies they’re guarding. Besides, I could be helpful. I could tell this person about my positive experience with the bail bonds system. ”

“No. No talking. I do the talking. ”

The door opened, and Trotter’s mother squinted at me. “Do I know you? ”

“Stephanie Plum, ” I said. “Is Rodney home? ”

“He’s in the kitchen, eating a late lunch. He had a big procedure this morning. ”

I stepped around her and threaded my way through the hoarded groceries and stuffed dead animals. I could hear Potts wheezing, following in my footsteps.

“I need my inhaler, ” he said. “Did I tell you I was claustrophobic? Do I smell formaldehyde? I’m pretty sure I smell formaldehyde. ”

If he crashed to the floor and his lips were blue and his eyes were rolled back in his head, I’d drag him out to the sidewalk and call 911. Otherwise I was going to ignore him.

“I don’t like these dead animals, ” he said. “They aren’t smiling. They don’t look happy. When I’m laid out, I want to be smiling. Not a big smile like the joker. Just a little smile, like I know a secret. ”

Trotter was at the table when I walked into the kitchen. There was a half-eaten sandwich and a half-empty vodka bottle in front of him.

“Hi, ” I said. “Remember me? ”

“Yes, I remember you. Go away. ”

“If you would come with me to get re-bonded, you would never have to see me again. It would take a half hour. ”

“I’m not wasting a half hour on bogus charges. I’m a renowned dermatological enhancement specialist. I have a wait-list of customers. ” He reached down, took a tackle box off the floor, and opened it. “The syringes in this box are filled with my unique enhancement formula. If you go away, I’ll give you one free of charge. ”

“What would I do with it? ”

“Inject it somewhere. Blow up your lips. Puff up your cheek bones. Inject it in the pencil dick standing behind you and he’ll have a custard launcher the size of a horse. ”

“I appreciate the offer, ” I said, “but we aren’t in need of a syringe, and you’re going to have to check back with the court. Because you failed to appear for your first date, you’re now officially a felon. ”

“Screw the court. I have a business to run. ”

He threw a syringe at me and I jumped away. The syringe missed me and tagged Potts in the thigh, sticking in him like a dart in a corkboard.

“Omigod, omigod, omigod, ” Potts said, staring down at the dart. “What should I do? Should I take it out? I’m afraid to touch it. I’m paralyzed with anxiety. ”

I grabbed the dart and yanked it out.

“I think my leg is going numb, ” he said. “I’m having one of my allergic reactions. I’m having a panic attack. Is my face getting blotchy? It feels blotchy. Next thing my tongue will swell up and I’ll choke to death. ”

“Has that ever happened? ” I asked him.

“All the time, ” he said. “Except I don’t usually die. ”

“What exactly was in the syringe? ” I asked Trotter.

“Nothing. It was empty. Look at the syringe. ”

“I need air, ” Potts said. “I need to get out of here. Where’s the door? Everything is going black. ”

He staggered into the living room, knocking over a stack of Ritz cracker boxes, a taxidermied groundhog that was missing a leg, and a tower of toilet paper.

“That was a mean thing to do, ” I said to Trotter.

“Bite me, ” he said. “And anyway, I was aiming for you. ”

I caught up to Potts on the sidewalk. He had his finger on his jugular, taking his pulse.

“There was nothing in the syringe, ” I said. “You just got stuck. ”

“Are you sure? I could feel the serum going into me. ”

“I have the syringe. It was empty. ”

“My heart is racing, ” he said.

“No doubt. Get in the car and I’ll buy you some ice cream. Do you like soft-serve? ”

“Yeah. I like when they swirl the chocolate and vanilla together. ”

“Me, too. ”

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