Willa and Louie 8 страница

" Really? Looking forward to that? " She was pretending to be reading Louie's hie.

" I suppose. "

Doctor Nolan smiled at her encouragingly. She put her finger on the hie. " There's no mention here of contraception, " she began and put her head on one side. " Are you sexually active? "

Louie was dumbfounded. She felt herself go bright pink. What could she say? If she said yes, the doctor would want her on the pill. But she didn't need contraception. And yet she was damned if she was going to say no.

Doctor Nolan came to the rescue. " I know it's not easy to talk to parents about sex. So whatever we discuss in here goes no further. " Oh yeah, thought Louie. " Most seventeen-year-olds I know are sexually active, or thinking about it. Would you like to discuss different options for protection? "

Louie sat as far back in her chair as she could. " No, " she spluttered, " no, I've seen it all in sex education classes. Thanks, " she added.

" Are you sure? "

Lome nodded fast. " Positive. "

" Okay. " Doctor Nolan paused for a moment, then stood up and asked Louie to sit on the bed while she felt her glands.

" How's your appetite? " she asked casually as she pressed around Louie's neck.

So Mum's told you that too. " Not bad. "

" Feel like eating? "

" Not much. "

" Mmm. You've lost a bit of weight I think. "

What would you know? You see me once a year.

Doctor Nolan took a leaflet from a shelf above her desk and handed it to Louie. Eating Disorders. " I'm not suggesting you've got an eating disorder Louise, but it's young women of your age who are most at risk. It's very important to nip it in the bud, because these things can take over and believe me, I've seen some very very unhealthy young women. And it starts because you're unhappy. You are unhappy aren't you? "

Louie felt the tears start. She ducked her head and nodded.

Doctor Nolan put a firm hand on her shoulder, not like Father Campion's. Hers said, You must get over it; his said, I know how it is.

" You've had a problem with a friend you're very close to, perhaps? "

Louie sighed. She couldn't beat this woman, she was too smooth. She brushed the tears from her face and nodded again, harder.

" It's very painful, I know. " Her voice was soft, reassuring. " But it's perfectly normal. You must remember that. At your age there are so many hormones being released into your system that the body almost dictates that you fall in love. Your primary relationships are with your friends. Sometimes those hormones just kick in and turn it into something much more intense. It's not your fault, and there's nothing wrong with you. It'll sort itself out with a bit of time, believe me. "

The doctor handed her a tissue and bestowed her best smile on Louie. Good girl for crying.

" I wouldn't be a teenager again for anything. It's hard isn't it? "

Louie wiped her face, hating that she'd gone along with all this. Willa wasn't a friend. Willa was never a friend. How could she put it all down to hormones?

" Just give yourself some time, some distance, try not to dwell on it, and it will go away. " The understanding tone gave way to a firm command. " Focus on those exams, on your future, that's the important thing. "

Doctor Nolan got Louie to take off her jersey and listened to her heart. " Well, it's not broken! " she announced with a bright smile, handing back Louie's jersey.

That was it. Louie looked at the doctor, so bloody sure, so I Know Best, and decided. She grabbed her jersey and pulled it on as she stood up.

" Thank you Doctor, for all your—advice. But I don't think this is something you can help me with. " She opened the door and walked out into the waiting room, to be met by Susi's false, expectant face.

Susi lurched from understanding and concern to fits of exasperation over Louie. She wanted her daughter to get better but she was infuriated that Louie wasn't eating. It seemed to Susi a deliberate tactic to get back at her. Louie was equally confused. She could see the worry in her mother's eyes and she wanted to make it go away, but when Susi snapped at her to stop moping or eat something for god's sake or just pull herself together, Louie's anger was violent. She said anything, anything that would hurt her mother as much as she'd hurt Louie.

Tony, on the other hand, was characteristically easy He treated Louie the same as ever, he played down the eating, and concentrated on jollying her along. Some of the time it worked, and she was grateful for that. Marietta, jealous of all the attention Louie was getting, tried not eating dinner one night too.

" Don't you dare, " said her mother through gritted teeth, and when Marietta disappeared upstairs with Tony in pursuit, Susi turned to Louie.

" See what you're doing? You're pulling this family apart! "

" Well you know all about pulling apart, don't you, " Louie flashed back.

" I did it for your own good, Lou, you know that. "

Louie rose to her feet. " You did it for your own good, Mum. You were thinking of you, of the neighbours, of the church group—anyone but me. Don't give me that bullshit! "

Tony returned from upstairs and took control. " Both of you stop it. " His voice was always quiet in an argument. " Suse, have a sit down. " He handed her the remains of a bottle of wine and shepherded her into the living room.

" Now, Lou, " he said, returning, " give me a hand clearing up. "

" I don't want to. " Tony stopped and raised his eyebrows at her. " Oh, all right. " She hated the sulky sound of her own voice.

They cleared the table and stacked the dishwasher in silence.

" You have to forgive your mother, " Tony said eventually.

Louie gazed at him. " I can't. "

" What she said was true. She did the only thing she could at the time. "

" Like hell! "

Tony looked at her openly. " The only thing she could think of. "

" Well that showed a remarkable lack of imagination. "

" It's not an easy situation for anyone. Not for us, not for you, not for Willa. "

It was a shock just to hear him say Willa's name again. Louie turned away and closed the dishwasher door and turned it on. A soft whoosh began the cycle.

" I don't think I can do this, Dad. " She still clung to the door.

" Nobody's asking you to do anything right now—except get well. Whatever you decide in the long run is your decision. Much as we'd like to, we can't make it for you. "

Louie leaned against the bench in surprise. Did he mean...?

" But you think it's wrong, don't you. " She ducked her head. " Me and Willa. "

There was a pause while Tony drew in a long breath. " I don't know, Lou. I don't like it. And I don't like seeing you and your mother so unhappy. "

" It was fine until she found out. " But was it? Louie thought of how sick she'd begun to feel, how knotted up at church, how guilty that she was lying to everyone, and not spending much time with Mo or the others.

" You know, when I was at St Peter's I had a mate, Stevie Carmichael. "

Louie looked up. Her father was walking towards the window, his hands in his pockets.

" I thought Stevie was the next best thing to the Pope. He looked like something off a toothpaste ad, he sang like Paul McCartney, and played rugby like a demon. And he had a car, " Tony grinned, turning around so he was framed by the night lights across the valley. " A Citroen. Well, I followed Stevie Carmichael round like a flaming border collie for six months. We used to skip school and go to the pool hall down town, smoke those nasty Russian cigarettes and listen to Manfred Mann. When Stevie left school in the sixth form and moved to Dunedin I wanted to go too, I really did. Your grandmother had no time for him. "

Tony made a pattern on the rimu floor with his toe. " I cried every night for a week after he left. I didn't know anything in those days, you didn't. But I had a crush on Stevie Carmichael all right. " He looked up at Louie. " Do you know where he is now? "

" Where? "

" Round the corner in Tanner Road. " Tony laughed out loud. " He was gay all right. He's a hairdresser in town, complete works, chains, bangles, camp as a row of pink tents. He's okay, I guess, but well, you know what I'm saying? It's easy to get caught up with someone strong-minded and make too many decisions too early"

Louie sighed shakily and her father came over and bent his head into her vision. He smiled hopefully. " Okay? "

She nodded.

" Promise? "

Another nod.

He waggled his eyebrows. " Ice cream? "

" Na. "

" Worth a try. "

Louie sat in her room and tried to think things through. Was this all about hormones? Was she just caught up with Willa because she was strong-minded? Was it right or wrong?

She picked the old dictionary off her bookshelf and looked it up.

" Lesbian: Of or pertaining to the island of Lesbos, in the Grecian archipelago. 2. Lesbian vice: Sapphism. "

She flicked to the Ss. " Sapphism: (from the name of Sappho who was accused of this vice; ) Unnatural sexual relations between women. "

Louie's hands dropped. Unnatural sexual relations. She thought of how she'd felt when she first kissed Willa, compared with how she'd felt kissing guys. It always came back to that. It didn't feel wrong. In fact, it felt right.

She'd been avoiding looking at something else, too. To be fair to her father, she'd better face it. She walked back to the shelf and picked up the Bible.

Willa

It was a hot and steamy midnight at Burger Giant. There's a good opening sentence for my next creative writing assignment, thought Willa. The condensation ran down the insides of the windows and the noise rocketed about from vinyl floor to chairs, tables, seratone walls to plaster ceiling. It was such a harsh, clanging sound compared with the deep hubbub of the pub. Willa was hot too, and tired. Her wrists were sore from flicking closed the hamburger containers and putting orders into bags. She didn't see the customers' faces any more, they just became orders, totals and change.

Simone was serving with her while Kelly and the new girl, Rebecca, were clearing tables. They were flat out, all of them just hanging on until the night shift started at one. Finally, when there was a lull behind the counter, Simone stretched her neck and yawned.

" Why does everybody else have more fun than us? "

Willa grunted. " They're not having fun. God, why don't they all go home to bed? "

" There's still the Jimmy Barnes crowd. They'll be here as soon as the concert finishes. "

In fact they started drifting in a few minutes later. Most were drunk and all were singing badly. They quickly took over the whole place, yelling to their friends, spilling drinks, throwing up in the toilets.

" Give me a five-year-old birthday any day, " said Simone.

Kevin chucked a few out and managed to calm down the others, while Kelly flirted with the worst remaining table until one overexcited guy made a grab for her and pinned her against the wall. Kevin chucked him out too.

Then, thankfully, it was hand-over time. Poor Rebecca was only halfway into her shift and looked at them pitifully as they hustled out the back to get changed. The incoming staff were nearly all schoolgirls like her, except for Marty, a university student who was weekend night manager.

" Drink, girls? " asked Kevin, popping his head into the women's toilets. Kelly squealed and clutched her clothes to her chest in mock horror.

Simone rolled her eyes. " Josh is picking me up, thanks. " Josh was her basketball playing boyfriend.

" Yeah, he's downstairs, " countered Kevin. " We were just discussing where to go. He thought Retro. "

Simone shrugged her acceptance, Kelly gushed and Willa said no. Then when Kevin had gone, Simone tried to change Willa's mind.

" Come on, come with us. Please? " she said making a face at Kelly, who had her back to them.

" I don't know... "

" Go on, Willa, " joined in Kelly. " Retro's got great music. "

Simone looked so desperate, Willa thought, why not? " Okay. "

Retro did have great music and they let her in without asking for ID. Kevin was so pleased she'd come he kept shouting her drinks and Willa was so tired, she kept accepting them. Simone had an argument with Josh who refused to dance, so she danced with Willa and Kevin. Kelly had picked up a builder with big hands and a house in Balclutha. Josh sat morosely at their table talking to two basketball fans who'd recognised him.

They really had nothing in common except Burger Giant, so it wasn't surprising that what conversation they had centred on work and the other people there. Simone kept exclaiming, " Don't talk about work! " but they kept on doing it.

At one point Kevin said to Willa, " So what have you done to piss Louie off? "

" What? "

" Louie. Louise. Lutsa? "

" Yeah yeah. What about her? " Willa's heart was thumping in time to the music but her head was fuzzy.

" She won't work with you. Asked for separate shifts. "

" Oh. "

Kevin leaned towards her, his eyes bleary. " What did you do? "

" None of your business. We just fell out. " Willa stared at the dance floor which was becoming a watery blur.

" I can see that. " When Willa volunteered no more, he added, " I told her no can do. "

" What? "

" Separating shifts. I can't carry on like that. So you'll have to make up, whatever it is. You're on together next Friday. " Kevin fumbled in his jacket pocket. " Cigarette? "

In a daze, Willa took one and let Kevin light it. As she drew in, she thought of Jolene, and could feel her mouth forming the same shape as her mother's. She stretched slightly and leaned back in her chair like Jolene did after a drag, blowing out the smoke in a thin blue line. Then she reached for the glass of vodka with her other hand. It all felt very familiar somehow.

The next morning she couldn't remember anything beyond that moment. Jolene filled in some of the gaps: Kevin hammering on the Dukes back door at four o'clock, Willa throwing up on the stairs, Sid bellowing at Kevin for letting her get drunk, Willa crying and retching over the bath. She remembered a little of that bit, especially how cold she'd got.

Jolene was philosophical about it, she'd seen plenty of drunks, and said even kids who live in a pub have to obliterate themselves once before they learn. Willa remembered her mother hadn't been so cool about Bliss doing the same thing. Sid brought her some disgusting drink with egg and Worcestershire sauce which made Willa throw up again. It seemed Sid had stayed the night,

All day she moped in her room playing music—quietly. Judas stayed curled up in the corner, his dark nose tucked under his tail. The worst thing was she had to work again that night on the five till one shift. Willa doped up on aspirin and arrived just in time.

Louie was there, finishing up. Willa closed her eyes and wished she didn't look so bloody awful. Kevin and Simone yelled out, " Hey, party girl! How're you feeling? " and laughed heartily. Louie gave her a funny look and Willa guessed she'd heard the whole story all afternoon.

She changed into her uniform and tried to act with some dignity, but the others couldn't wait to goad her as soon as she came in. Louie walked straight past without a word while Kevin said, " Keith Colling, eh Willa? Well, you're a dark horse. "

" Keith? "

Kevin spluttered. " Don't tell me you don't remember! "

Willa turned quickly after Louie, but she'd disappeared. The room spun. And Willa did remember something about Keith. He was sitting beside her at Retro with his arm around her shoulders, talking earnestly and squeezing her upper arm. " Oh, god. "

Simone was smirking as she took off her apron. " You were wasted, girl, really wasted. "

" Tell me about it. "

Simone just smiled and shoved her apron in the laundry bag.

" No, really Simone. Tell me. " Willa lowered her voice. " What happened? "

Simone looked at her in surprise. " How much do you remember? "

" Dancing, sitting with Kevin and you guys, smoking a bloody cigarette, that was dumb, then... just patches. Keith... with his arm around me? Something outside... a taxi. "

" You were chucked out, because you chucked up on the dance floor. "

" Oh, god. "

" That was only the start. Girl, you threw up everywhere. Outside the club, in the taxi—do you know how much that costs? "

Willa was dumbstruck.

" Hey, its okay. Happens to the best of us. And Keith paid up. "

Willa ran a hand across her face. " Keith. "

" Yes? "

" I don't know what... I did. "

" Ohh. " Simone raised her eyebrows cheekily then relented. " Nothing to worry about. He was keen, you were pissed. He was trying to kiss you when you threw up on the dance floor. I don't think he tried again. "

" I can't believe it, he's such a creep. "

" The best friend of our beloved leader? "

They laughed and Simone nodded in Kevin's direction. " He's your biggest worry. He wants to do it all over again tonight. "

" Like hell. "

Willa managed to get through the evening without being sick, but it was a battle. Just the smell of hamburgers made her stomach turn. Kevin put her on table duty, but that didn't help much. Half-eaten food was even more sick-making. Finally one o'clock came round and they handed over to the night shift. Kevin's invitations to party were only playful—he could see how awful Willa felt.

" Never mind, plenty of other nights. Keith won't be going anywhere. "

Willa sighed. " Tell Keith to lay off, Kevin. I can't stand him. "

" So you say, but your actions say otherwise. " He chuckled and sauntered up the stairs to his office.

Willa untied Judas from the loading bay and walked slowly home. She couldn't remember ever feeling so tired.

Willa

She didn't hear from Keith all week, to her relief. Maybe Kevin had passed on her message. At school Willa was finding it increasingly hard to concentrate on anything. The only subject she was interested in was professional cookery, so she went to those classes, but she just couldn't face more than one or two other classes a day. She took off and walked Judas through the Woodhaugh bush for hours at a time, or went to movies in town. On Thursday she sat through the entire Star Wars trilogy next to a middle-aged teacher with a bad toupee who said he was wagging school too.

She'd seen virtually nothing of Louie all week, only Mo, who'd come to ask her what was going on.

" She doesn't want me around, " Willa said.

" Why? "

" Hasn't she told you? "

Mo drew back her long dark hair. " You know Louie. She can't talk about anything that matters. She just looks in pain whenever I mention you. "

" Her mother found out. "

" Oh shit. "

" And chucked me out. Louie hasn't invited me back. " Willa stood up. " I don't know any more than that, Mo. "

" Can't you at least talk about it? "

" It's up to her. "

Mo sighed and folded her arms. " It's stupid. You two... well, you were really happy, even I could see that. "

Friday at Burger Giant came around too fast. Willa had half-looked forward to it, half-dreaded it; in the end it was just more no-talks. Louie worked stony-faced out front with Deirdre while Willa served at the drive-through window. Even Kelly and Rebecca were quiet, working in the kitchen with Marty. Then at tea break Willa was sitting alone in the tiny staffroom when Louie came in.

She looked shocked to find Willa there, but walked stiffly over to a spare pink chair on the other side of the room. Willa found it almost unbearable to be so far away from her. After a minute or two, Louie broke the silence.

" Willa, I—um, I'm sorry about this. "

" What in particular? " Willa heard her voice, hard and suspicious.

" Everything. Having to work together like this. I hate it. "

" I'm sorry you feel like that. " She did it again, and this time she saw the sting on Louie's face.

" I miss you. " Louie's voice cracked and she looked down at the old newspaper she was holding. God, it was Cathy all over again. Willa hardened herself.

" And what do you want to do about it? " she asked.

Louie shook her head. " I don't know. I just need some space, some time... "

" Well, you'll miss me then, won't you. " Willa couldn't take any more. She stood up and walked out, shutting the door quietly. As she stood there gathering herself, she heard an odd strangled sound from inside and knew Louie was crying. She wanted to go back in and tell her it was all right, but she knew it wasn't. It was the pattern she'd got into with Cathy, being rejected and then comforting her for doing so. This time she was going to protect herself. The knowledge that Louie was crying made her feel stronger somehow.

When she saw Louie downstairs later Willa turned quickly back to the drive-in window. It was cold work, the electric window sliding back and forth letting in blasts of freezing air, but Willa preferred it to the heavy smell in the restaurant and kitchen. Keith turned up and hung around trying to talk to her, but she froze him out until he gave up and disappeared. Finally it was knocking off time. Willa was just giving the money to Marty when Deirdre came in looking puzzled.

" Willa, there's someone on the office phone for you. She doesn't sound right. I'll do that, " she offered, fixing the till.

Willa went upstairs to Kevin's office. It was Cathy.

" Willa, help me, please... " she cried.

" What is it? Cathy? What's happened? "

" Will you come here, please? I'm scared. "

" What do you mean? Where are you? "

" I'm at the church, " she whispered. " I... I don't want to die, but I need you, Willa... " and she started weeping in a high-pitched keen.

" Oh no, don't do anything silly, Cathy. I'll come. "

" Will you? Will you really? "

" I'll come now, if you promise to wait for me—all right? All right? "

" Come quickly. "

The line went dead.

Willa hung up and tore downstairs. She ran straight into Louie, putting on her jacket.

" Louie, you've got to help me. It's Cathy, I think she's going to overdose. "

Louie looked back blankly for a second, then her face changed. " Where is she? "

" The church. Of the something or other saints, I know where. God, god, god, I have to get a taxi. " Willa turned to run back upstairs when Louie grabbed her arm.

" Dad, he's right outside, he'll take us. Come on! " She pulled Willa through the door outside and slammed straight into Keith, waiting in the carpark.

" Get out of the way! " yelled Louie, but Willa stopped.

" It's Cathy, " she said to him. " You'd better come. "

" What? " Keith gave a stupid smile, but Louie grabbed his shoulder and hauled him with her.

" Come on! "

The Mercedes was right there, its lights on, engine purring. Louie threw open the passenger door, screamed the news at her father and pushed Willa forward. " You get in the front, you know where we're going. "

Louie

The car screeched around the corner and motored down the one-way system, through an orange light, swerved to the right and over the disused railway line according to Willa's directions until they lurched to a halt outside a pale blue building with a white cross.

" Round here, " called Willa, running down one side. A light was on in the back room of the hall. Louie sprinted after her.

The side door was unlocked and they burst into the room where a small pale girl sat on a wooden chair. She was staring at the table where there was a telephone, a Bible, a bottle of Coke and several packets of tablets.

" Cathy! " screamed Willa, falling down beside her. " What have you taken? "

Cathy was so small and fragile, nothing like what Louie had imagined. Her tiny oval face turned to Willa and dissolved. " I didn't, " she whispered and dropped her head so the blonde hair fell forward. " I didn't do anything wrong. "

She was like a china doll, thought Louie, frighteningly breakable. Had she always been like that? What had Willa seen in her? Louie felt large and gawky suddenly, and tried to overcome her growing hostility to this girl. She watched Willa take a deep breath and turn to Tony and Keith. " She's fine. " They both stopped, awkward, unsure. There was an acrid smell in the room—old dust mingled with what Louie realised was Keith's sweat.

Cathy was sobbing silently. Her voice was a thin squeak and she grabbed Willa's hands. " I can't do it, Willa. I can't get over it. "

" Cathy... "

" I try. I have tried, " she said, looking up at Keith. " But I keep thinking about it. It's there in my head, all the time, and I don't know if it's me or... sometimes, " her voice shook again, " I think I'm possessed or something. "

Willa held Cathy's hands, and tried to rub some warmth into them. " There's nothing wrong with you Cathy, nothing at all. You just need to talk to someone about it. "

" Come on Catherine, " said Keith, stepping forward. His fair hair was cropped very short, and Louie noticed a red rash around his neck under the familiar collar and tie. " That's enough. We've gone through all this, and you have to be strong. "

" Oh, for Christ's sake, " muttered Willa.

" Don't listen to her, Cathy, she doesn't understand. "

" Keith, she's a mess. She needs help. " Willa glared at him, pain visible in her face. Louie wanted to leap in, grab Willa away from these people, but she was excluded, invisible in this old battle.

" She's got help, " said Keith. " She's got her family and her church, and we're all praying for her. You've been doing so well, " he said, his tone softening as he knelt beside Cathy. " You're just tired. You know you can do this, Cathy, please don't give up. " Cathy buried her face in Willa's shoulder and began sobbing silently Keith made an exasperated noise and stood up. " It's your fault, " he said to Willa. She looked at him, her arm still around Cathy.

" You did this to Cathy. It's your fault, " Keith repeated, his face flushing. " It's sick what you did. It's sick and wrong. "

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