Part Three 3 страница

“I have already mentioned that Pyotr Petrovich is now going to Petersburg. He has big doings there, and wants to open a private attorney's office in Petersburg. He has been occupied for a long time with various suits and litigations, and won an important case just the other day. It is necessary for him to go to Petersburg because he has an important matter before the Senate. ^{^[23]}So, dear Rodya, he may also be quite useful to you, even in everything, and Dunya and I have already decided that from this very day you could definitely begin your future career and consider your lot already clearly determined. Oh, if only this could come true! It would be such a benefit that we should regard it as the direct mercy of the Almighty towards us. That is all Dunya dreams about. We have already risked saying a few words in this regard to Pyotr Petrovich. He expressed himself cautiously and said that, of course, since he would be unable to do without a secretary, it would naturally be better to pay a salary to a relative than to a stranger, on condition that he proves capable of doing the work (as if you could prove incapable! ), but at the same time he expressed doubt that your university studies would leave you any time to work in his office. For the time being we left it at that, but Dunya now thinks of nothing else. For the past few days she has simply been in a sort of fever and has already made up a whole project for how you could go on to become an assistant and even a partner of Pyotr Petrovich in his lawsuit affairs, more especially as you are in the department of jurisprudence. I fully agree with her, Rodya, and share in all her plans and hopes, seeing them as fully possible; and despite Pyotr Petrovich's present, quite understandable evasiveness (since he does not know you yet), Dunya is firmly convinced that she will achieve everything by her good influence on her future husband, and she is convinced of it. Of course, we took care not to let Pyotr Petrovich in on these further dreams of ours, above all that you will become his partner. He is a positive man, and would perhaps take it very dryly, since it would all just seem nothing but dreams to him. Likewise, neither Dunya nor I have said even half a word to him about our firm hope that he will help us to assist you with money while you are at the university; we did not speak of it, first of all, because it will come about by itself later on, and he will most likely offer it without much talk (as if he could refuse that to Dunechka), especially as you may become his right hand in the office and receive his assistance not as a boon, but as a well-earned salary. That is how Dunya wants to arrange it, and I fully agree with her. And secondly, we did not speak of it because I would especially like to put you on an equal footing in our now forthcoming meeting. When Dunya spoke rapturously about you with him, he replied that in order to judge a man, one must first observe him more closely, and that he would leave it to himself to form an opinion of you after making your acquaintance. You know, my precious Rodya, it seems to me from certain considerations (by no means relating to Pyotr Petrovich, incidentally, but just so, from my own personal and perhaps even old-womanish caprice), it seems to me that I would perhaps do better, after their marriage, to live separately, as I do now, and not with them. I am fully convinced that he will be so noble and delicate as to invite me himself and will suggest that I no longer be parted from my daughter, and if he has not said anything yet, that is naturally because it goes without saying; but I shall refuse. I have noticed more than once in my life that husbands do not much warm up to their mothers-in-law, and I not only do not want to be even the slightest burden to anyone, but I also want to be fully free myself, as long as I have at least a crust of bread of my own, and such children as you and Dunechka. If possible, I will settle near you both, because the most pleasant thing, Rodya, I have saved for the end of my letter: you must know, my dear friend, that we shall all perhaps come together again very soon and embrace each other after an almost three-year separation! It has already been decided for certain that Dunya and I are to leave for Petersburg, precisely when I do not know, but in any case very, very soon, perhaps even in a week. It all depends on Pyotr Petrovich's instructions, and as soon as he has had a look around Petersburg, he will let us know at once. He would like, from certain considerations, to hasten the wedding ceremony, and even celebrate the wedding, if possible, before the next fast, or, if that does not work out, because time is short, then right after our Lady's feast. ^{^[24]} Oh, how happy I will be to press you to my heart! Dunya is all excited at the joy of seeing you, and said once, as a joke, that she would marry Pyotr Petrovich for that alone. She is an angel! She will not add anything now to my letter, and has only told me to write that she has so much to tell you, so much that she cannot bring herself to take the pen now, because one cannot say anything in a few lines, and only gets upset; but she has told me to embrace you warmly and send you countless kisses. But despite the fact that we shall perhaps be together in person very soon, I shall still send you money one of these days, as much as I can. Now that everyone has learned that Dunechka is marrying Pyotr Petrovich, my credit has suddenly gone up, and I know for certain that Afanasy Ivanovich will now trust me, on the security of my pension, even for as much as seventy-five roubles, so that I will be able to send you twenty-five or even thirty. I would send more, but I am afraid of our travel expenses; and although Pyotr Petrovich has been so good as to take upon himself part of the cost of our trip to the capital—that is, he has volunteered to pay for the delivery of our luggage and the big trunk (somehow through his acquaintances)—even so, we must calculate for our arrival in Petersburg, where we cannot appear without a kopeck, at least for the first few days. However, Dunya and I have already calculated it all precisely, and it turns out that we will not need much for the road. It is only sixty miles from here to the railway, and we've already made arrangements ahead of time with a peasant driver we know; and there Dunechka and I will be quite satisfied to travel third class. So that perhaps I can contrive to send you not twenty-five but certainly thirty roubles. But enough; I've covered two sheets with writing, there is not even any space left—our whole story, but so many events had accumulated! And now, my precious Rodya, I embrace you until we meet soon, and I give you my maternal blessing. Love your sister Dunya, Rodya; love her as she loves you, and know that she loves you boundlessly, more than herself. She is an angel, and you, Rodya, you are everything for us—all our hope, and all our trust. If only you are happy, then we shall be happy. Do you pray to God, Rodya, as you used to, and do you believe in the goodness of our Creator and Redeemer? I fear in my heart that you have been visited by the fashionable new unbelief. If so, I pray for you. Remember, my dear, in your childhood, when your father was alive, how you prattled out your prayers sitting on my knee, and how happy we all were then! Goodbye, or, better, till we meet again! I embrace you very, very warmly, and send you countless kisses.

Yours till death, Pulcheria Raskolnikov. ”

Almost all the while he was reading, from the very beginning of the letter, Raskolnikov's face was wet with tears; but when he finished, it was pale, twisted convulsively, and a heavy, bilious, spiteful smile wandered over his lips. He laid his head on his skinny, bedraggled pillow and thought, thought for a long time. His heart was beating violently, and the thoughts surged violently. Finally, he felt too stifled and cramped in that yellow closet, which more resembled a cupboard or a trunk. His eyes and mind craved space. He grabbed his hat and went out, this time with no fear of meeting anyone on the stairs—he forgot all about it. He made his way towards Vasilievsky Island, along V------y Prospect, as though hurrying there on business, but, as usual, he walked without noticing where he was going, whispering and even talking aloud to himself, to the surprise of passers-by. Many took him for drunk.

His mother's letter had tormented him. But concerning the main, capital point he had not a moment's doubt, not even while he was reading the letter. The main essence of the matter was decided in his mind and decided finally: “This marriage will not take place as long as I live, and to the devil with Mr. Luzhin!

“Because the thing is obvious, ” he muttered to himself, grinning and maliciously triumphant beforehand over the success of his decision. “No, mama, no, Dunya, you won't deceive me! ... And they still apologize for not asking my advice and deciding the matter without me! Well they might! They think it's impossible to break it off now; but we'll see whether it's impossible or not! And what a capital excuse: 'Pyotr Petrovich is just such a busy man, such a busy man that he can't even get married any other way than posthaste, almost right on the train. ' No, Dunechka, I see it all and know what this so much is that you want to talk to me about; I also know what you were thinking about all night, pacing the room, and what you prayed about to the Kazan Mother of God^{^[25]} that stands in mama's bedroom. It's hard to ascend Golgotha. ^{^[26]} Hm... So it's settled finally: you, Avdotya Romanovna, are so good as to be marrying a practical and rational man, who has his own capital (who already has his own capital; that's more solid, more impressive), who serves in two posts and shares the convictions of our newest generations (as mama writes), and who 'seems to be kind, ' as Dunechka herself remarks. That seems is the most splendid of all! And that very same Dunechka is going to marry that very same seems! ... Splendid! Splendid! . . .

“. . . Curious, however; why did mother write to me about the 'newest generations'? Simply to characterize the man, or with the further aim of putting Mr. Luzhin in my good graces? Oh, you sly ones! It would also be curious to have one more circumstance clarified: to what extent were they sincere with each other that day and that night and in all the time since? Were all the words between them spoken directly, or did they understand that each of them had the same thing in her heart and mind, so that there was no point in saying it all aloud and no use letting on? Most likely it was partly that way; one can see it in the letter: to mother he seemed abrupt, just a bit, and naive mother thrust her observations on Dunya. And Dunya, naturally, got angry and 'answered with vexation. ' Well she might! Who wouldn't get furious if the thing is clear without any naive questions, and it's been decided that there's nothing to talk about. And what's she doing writing to me: 'Love Dunya, Rodya, and she loves you more than herself? Can it be that she's secretly tormented by remorse at having agreed to sacrifice her daughter for the sake of her son? 'You are our hope, you are our everything'! Oh, mother. . . ” Anger boiled up in him more and more, and he thought that if he met Mr. Luzhin right then, he might kill him!

“Hm, it's true, ” he went on, following the whirlwind of thoughts spinning in his head, “it's true that one must 'approach a man gradually and carefully in order to find him out, ' but Mr. Luzhin is clear. The main thing is that he's 'a practical man and seems kind': no joke, he took the luggage upon himself, delivers a big trunk at his own expense! Oh, yes, he's kind! And the two of them, the bride and her mother, hire a peasant and a cart, covered with straw matting (I've traveled like that)! Never mind! It's only sixty miles, and then 'we'll be quite satisfied to travel third class' for another six hundred miles. That's reasonable: cut your coat according to your cloth; but you, Mr. Luzhin, what about you? She's your bride... Can you possibly be unaware that her mother is borrowing money on her pension for the journey? Of course, you've set up a joint commercial venture here, a mutually profitable enterprise, and with equal shares, so the expenses should also be divided equally; bread and butter for all, but bring your own tobacco, as the saying goes. And even here the businessman has hoodwinked them a bit: the luggage costs less than the trip, and it may even go for nothing. Don't they both see it, or are they ignoring it on purpose? And they're pleased, pleased! And to think that this is just the blossom; the real fruit is still to come! What matters here is not the stinginess, the cheese-paring, but the tone of it all. Because that is the future tone after the marriage, a prophecy... And mother, why is she going on such a spree, incidentally? What will she have left when she gets to Petersburg? Three roubles, or two 'little bills, ' as that... old crone... says. Hm! What is she hoping to live on afterwards in Petersburg? Because she already has reasons to believe that it will be impossible for her to live with Dunya after the marriage, even at the beginning. The dear man must have let it slip somehow, betrayed himself, though mother waves it away with both hands: 'I shall refuse it myself, ' she says. What, then, what is she hoping for? A hundred and twenty roubles of pension, minus what's owed to Afanasy Ivanovich? She also knits winter kerchiefs and embroiders cuffs, ruining her old eyes. But these kerchiefs add only twenty roubles a year to her hundred and twenty, and I know it. So they're putting their hopes on the nobility of Mr. Luzhin's feelings after all: 'He'll suggest it himself, he'll beg us to accept. ' Good luck to them! And that's how it always is with these beautiful, Schilleresque souls: ^{^[27]} till the last moment they dress a man up in peacock's feathers, till the last moment they hope for the good and not the bad; and though they may have premonitions of the other side of the coin, for the life of them they will not utter a real word beforehand; the thought alone makes them cringe; they wave the truth away with both hands, till the very moment when the man they've decked out so finely sticks their noses in it with his own two hands. Curious, does Mr. Luzhin have any decorations? I'll bet he has the Anna on the breast^{^[28]} and wears her when he's invited to dinner with contractors and merchants! Maybe he'll even wear her for his wedding! Ah, anyway, devil take him! . . .

“. . . Mother, well, let her be, God bless her, that's how she is; but what about Dunya? I know you, Dunechka, my dear! You were going on twenty when we saw each other last: I already understood your character then. Mother writes that 'Dunechka can endure much. ' I know she can! I knew it two and a half years ago, and for two and a half years I've been thinking about that, precisely about that, that 'Dunechka can endure much. ' If she was able to endure Mr. Svidrigailov, with all the consequences, then indeed she can endure much. And now they imagine, she and mother, that one can also endure Mr. Luzhin, expounding his theory about the advantages of wives rescued from destitution by their benefactor husbands, and expounding it almost the moment they first met. Well, suppose he just 'let it slip, ' though he's a rational man (in which case maybe he didn't let it slip at all, but precisely meant to explain it then and there), but Dunya, what of Dunya? The man is clear to her, and she'll have to live with this man. She could eat only black bread and wash it down with water, but she would never sell her soul, she would never trade her moral freedom for comfort; she wouldn't trade it for all Schleswig-Holstein, ^{^[29]} let alone Mr. Luzhin. No, Dunya was not like that as far as I knew her, and... well, of course, she's no different now! ... What's there to talk about! Svidrigailovs are hard! It's hard to spend your life as a governess, dragging yourself around the provinces for two hundred roubles, but all the same I know that my sister would sooner go and be a black slave for a planter or a Latvian for a Baltic German^{^[30]} than demean her spirit and her moral sense by tying herself to a man she doesn't respect and with whom she can do nothing— forever, merely for her own personal profit! And even if Mr. Luzhin were made entirely of the purest gold, or a solid diamond, she still would not consent to become Mr. Luzhin's lawful concubine! Then why has she consented now? What's the catch? What's the answer? The thing is clear: for herself, for her own comfort, even to save herself from death, she wouldn't sell herself; no, she's selling herself for someone else! For a dear, beloved person she will sell herself! That's what our whole catch consists of: for her brother, for her mother, she will sell herself! She'll sell everything! Oh, in that case, given the chance, we'll even crush our moral feeling; our freedom, peace of mind, even conscience—all, all of it goes to the flea market. Perish our life! So long as these beloved beings of ours are happy. Moreover, we'll invent our own casuistry, we'll take a lesson from the Jesuits, ^{^[31]} and we may even reassure ourselves for a while, convince ourselves that it's necessary, truly necessary, for a good purpose. That's exactly how we are, and it's all clear as day. It's clear that the one who gets first notice, the one who stands in the forefront, is none other than Rodion Romanovich Raskolnikov. Oh, yes, of course, his happiness can be arranged, he can be kept at the university, made a partner in the office, his whole fate can be secured; maybe later he'll be rich, honored, respected, and perhaps he'll even end his life a famous man! And mother? But we're talking about Rodya, precious Rodya, her firstborn! How can she not sacrifice even such a daughter for the sake of such a firstborn son! Oh, dear and unjust hearts! Worse still, for this we might not even refuse Sonechka's lot! Sonechka, Sonechka Marmeladov, eternal Sonechka, as long as the world stands! But the sacrifice, have the two of you taken full measure of the sacrifice? Is it right? Are you strong enough? Is it any use? Is it reasonable? Do you know, Dunechka, that Sonechka's lot is in no way worse than yours with Mr. Luzhin? 'There can be no love here, ' mother writes. And what if, besides love, there can be no respect either, if on the contrary there is already loathing, contempt, revulsion—what then? So it turns out once again that it will be necessary 'to observe cleanliness. ' It's true, isn't it? Do you understand, do you understand what this cleanliness means? Do you understand that this Luzhinian cleanliness is just the same as Sonechka's cleanliness and maybe even worse, nastier, meaner, because in your case, Dunechka, some extra comfort can still be reckoned on, while there it's quite simply a matter of starving to death! 'It's costly, Dunechka, this cleanliness is costly! ' And if it gets to be too much for you, and you repent later? Think of all the anguish, the grief, curses, tears, hidden from everyone—because you're not Marfa Petrovna, after all! And what will happen with mother then? She's uneasy, tormented even now; but then, when she sees it all clearly? And me? What, indeed, do you take me for? I don't want your sacrifice, Dunechka, I don't want it, mama! It won't happen as long as I live, it won't, it won't! I don't accept it! ”

He suddenly came to his senses and stopped.

“It won't happen? And how are you going to keep it from happening? Forbid it? What right do you have? What can you promise them in return for such a right? To devote your whole fate, your whole future to them, once you finish your studies and find a position? We've heard that before, but it's still a blind deal, and what about now? It's necessary to do something now, do you understand? And what are you doing now? You're fleecing them. Because they get the money on the credit of a hundred-rouble pension, or as an advance from the Svidrigailovs! How are you going to protect them from the Svidrigailovs, from Afanasy Ivanovich Vakhrushin, you future millionaire, you Zeus disposing of their fates? In ten years? But in ten years your mother will go blind from those kerchiefs, and maybe from tears as well; she'll waste away with fasting; and your sister? Go on, think what may happen to your sister after those ten years, or during those ten years. Have you guessed? ”

He kept tormenting and taunting himself with these questions, even taking a certain delight in it. None of the questions was new or sudden, however; they were all old, sore, long-standing. They had begun torturing him long ago and had worn out his heart. Long, long ago this present anguish had been born in him, had grown, accumulated, and ripened recently and become concentrated, taking the form of a horrible, wild, and fantastic question that tormented his heart and mind, irresistibly demanding resolution. And now his mother's letter suddenly struck him like a thunderbolt. Clearly, he now had not to be anguished, not to suffer passively, by mere reasoning about unresolvable questions, but to do something without fail, at once, quickly. Decide at all costs to do at least something, or. . .

“Or renounce life altogether! ” he suddenly cried out in frenzy. “Accept fate obediently as it is, once and for all, and stifle everything in myself, renouncing any right to act, to live, to love! ”

“Do you understand, do you understand, my dear sir, what it means when there is no longer anywhere to go? ” he suddenly recalled Marmeladov's question yesterday. “For it is necessary that every man have at least somewhere to go. . . ”

Suddenly he gave a start: a certain thought, also from yesterday, raced through his head again. But he started not because this thought raced through his head. Indeed, he knew, he had anticipated that it would certainly “race through his head, ” and was already expecting it; and it was not yesterday's thought at all. But the difference was that a month ago, and even yesterday, it was only a dream, whereas now... now it suddenly appeared not as a dream, but in some new, menacing, and quite unfamiliar form, and he suddenly became aware of it himself... It hit him in the head, and everything went dark before his eyes.

He glanced hastily around; he was looking for something. He wanted to sit down, and was looking for a bench; at the moment he was walking along the ------ Boulevard. He could see a bench ahead, about a hundred steps away. He walked as quickly as he could; but on the way a small adventure befell him, which for a few minutes took all his attention.

As he was looking out for a bench, he had noticed a woman walking ahead of him, about twenty steps away, but at first he did not rest his attention on her any more than on all the other objects flashing in front of him. It had happened to him many times before that he would arrive at home, for example, having absolutely no recollection of which way he had come, and he had already grown used to going around that way. But there was something so strange about this walking woman, and so striking, even at first glance, that little by little his attention became riveted on her—reluctantly at first and as if with annoyance, but then more and more strongly. He suddenly wanted to understand what precisely was so strange about this woman. First of all, she had to be very young, a girl, and she was walking bareheaded in such heat, with no parasol or gloves, swinging her arms somehow ridiculously. She was wearing a dress of some light, silken material, which was also somehow oddly put on, barely buttoned, and torn behind at the waist, near the very top of the skirt; a whole strip had come away and was hanging loosely. A little kerchief was thrown over her bare neck, but it stuck out somehow crookedly and sideways. To top it off, the girl was walking unsteadily, stumbling and even reeling this way and that. The encounter finally aroused all of Raskolnikov's attention. He caught up with the girl just by the bench, but she, having reached the bench, simply collapsed on it at one end, threw her head against the back of the bench, and closed her eyes, apparently from extreme fatigue. Taking a close look at her, Raskolnikov realized at once that she was completely drunk. It was strange and wild to see such a phenomenon. He even thought he might be mistaken. Before him was an extremely young little face, about sixteen years old, perhaps only fifteen—small, fair, pretty, but all flushed and as if swollen. The girl seemed to understand very little; she crossed one leg over the other, exposing it much more than she ought, and by all appearances was scarcely aware that she was in the street.

Raskolnikov did not sit down and did not want to go away, but stood perplexed in front of her. That boulevard was generally deserted anyway, but just then, past one o'clock in the afternoon, and in such heat, there was almost no one about. And yet, a short distance away, about fifteen steps, at the edge of the boulevard, a gentleman had stopped, who by all evidence would also have liked very much to approach the girl with certain intentions. He, too, had probably noticed her from afar and was overtaking her, but Raskolnikov had hindered him. The man kept glancing at him angrily, trying at the same time to keep him from noticing it, and was waiting impatiently for his turn, when the vexatious ragamuffin would leave. The thing was clear: this gentleman was about thirty, thickset, fat, full-blooded, with pink cheeks and a little moustache, and very foppishly dressed. Raskolnikov became terribly angry; he suddenly wanted to insult the fat dandy in some way. He left the girl for a moment and went up to the gentleman.

“Hey, you—Svidrigailov! ^{^[32]} What do you want here? ” he shouted, clenching his teeth and laughing, his lips foaming with spite.

“What is the meaning of this? ” the gentleman asked sternly, scowling in haughty amazement.

“Get out of here, that's what! ”

“How dare you, canaille! ... ”

And he brandished his whip. Raskolnikov fell on him with both fists, not stopping to think that the thickset gentleman could take on two men like him. But at that moment someone seized him firmly from behind; a policeman stepped between them.

“Enough, gentlemen; no fighting in public places, if you please. What do you want? Who are you? ” he addressed Raskolnikov sternly, having noticed his rags.

Raskolnikov looked at him attentively. He had a good soldier's face, with gray moustache and side-whiskers, and sensible eyes.

“You're just what I want, ” he cried, gripping his arm. “I am a former student, Raskolnikov... You may as well know that, too, ” he turned to the gentleman, “and you, come with me, I want to show you something. ”

Gripping the policeman's arm, he pulled him towards the bench.

“Here, look, she's completely drunk, she just came walking down the boulevard: who knows who she is, but it doesn't look like it's her profession. Most likely they got her drunk somewhere and deceived her... for the first time... understand?... and then just put her out in the street. Look how her dress is torn, look how it's put on; she's been dressed, she didn't do it herself, and it was clumsy male hands that dressed her. That's obvious. And now look over there: that dandy I was going to fight with is a stranger to me, I've never seen him before; but he, too, noticed her on the way just now, drunk, out of her senses, and he's dying to come and intercept her—seeing what state she's in—and take her somewhere... And it's certainly so; believe me, I'm not mistaken. I saw myself how he was watching her and following her, only I hindered him, and now he's waiting until I go away. There, now he's moved off a little, pretending he's rolling a cigarette... How can we keep him from her? How can we get her home? Think, man! ”

The policeman understood and figured it all out at once. The fat gentleman was no mystery, of course; what remained was the girl. The good soldier bent down to look at her more closely, and genuine commiseration showed in his features.

“Ah, what a pity! ” he said, shaking his head. “Seems quite a child still. Deceived, that's what it is. Listen, miss, ” he began calling her, “tell me, where do you live? ” The girl opened her tired and bleary eyes, looked dully at her questioners, and waved her hand.

“Listen, ” said Raskolnikov, “here” (he felt in his pocket and took out twenty kopecks that happened to be there), “here, hire a coachman and tell him to take her to her address. If only we could find out her address! ”

“Miss, eh, miss? ” the policeman began again, taking the money. “I'll call a coachman now and take you home myself. Where shall I take you, eh? Where is your home? ”

“Shoo! ... pests! . . . ” the girl muttered, and again waved her hand.

“Oh, oh, that's not nice! Oh, what a shame, miss, what a shame! ” And again he began shaking his head, chiding, pitying, indignant. “This is a real problem! ” he turned to Raskolnikov, and at the same time gave him another quick glance up and down. He, too, must surely have seemed strange to him: in such rags, and handing out money!

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