Part Three 4 страница

“Did you find her far from here? ” he asked him.

“I tell you she was walking ahead of me, staggering, right here on the boulevard. As soon as she came to the bench, she just collapsed. ”

“Ah, what shame we've got in the world now! Lord! Such an ordinary young girl, and she got drunk! She's been deceived, that's just what it is! Look, her little dress is torn... Ah, what depravity we've got nowadays! And she might well be from gentlefolk, the poor sort... We've got many like that nowadays. She looks like one of the pampered ones, like a young lady, ” and he bent over her again.

Perhaps his own daughters were growing up in the same way—”like young ladies and pampered ones, ” with well-bred airs and all sorts of modish affectations. . .

“The main thing, ” Raskolnikov went on fussing, “is to prevent that scoundrel somehow! What if he, too, abuses her! You can see by heart what he wants: look at the scoundrel, he just won't go away! ”

Raskolnikov spoke loudly and pointed straight at him. The man heard him and was about to get angry again, but thought better of it and limited himself to a scornful glance. Then he slowly moved off another ten steps or so and stopped again.

“Prevent him we can, sir, ” the policeman replied pensively. “If only she'd say where to deliver her; otherwise... Miss, hey, miss! ” he bent down again.

She suddenly opened her eyes wide, gave an attentive look, as if she understood something or other, rose from the bench, and walked back in the direction she had come from.

“Pah! Shameless... pests! ” she said, waving her hand once again. She walked off quickly, but staggering as badly as before. The dandy walked after her, but along the other side of the boulevard, not taking his eyes off her.

“Don't worry, I won't let him, sir! ” the moustached policeman said resolutely, and started after them.

“Ah, what depravity we've got nowadays! ” he repeated aloud, with a sigh.

At that moment it was as if something stung Raskolnikov, as if he had been turned about in an instant.

“Hey, wait! ” he shouted after the moustached policeman.

The man looked back.

“Forget it! What do you care? Leave her alone! Let him have fun” (he pointed to the dandy). “What is it to you? ”

The policeman stared uncomprehendingly. Raskolnikov laughed.

“A-ach! ” the good soldier said, waving his hand, and he went after the dandy and the girl, probably taking Raskolnikov for a madman or something even worse.

“He kept my twenty kopecks, ” Raskolnikov said spitefully when he found himself alone. “Well, let him; he'll take something from that one, too, and let the girl go with him, and that will be the end of it... Why did I go meddling in all that! Who am I to help anyone? Do I have any right to help? Let them all gobble each other alive— what is it to me? And how did I dare give those twenty kopecks away? Were they mine? ”

In spite of these strange words, it was very painful for him. He sat down on the abandoned bench. His thoughts were distracted... And generally it was painful for him at that moment to think about anything at all. He would have liked to become totally oblivious, oblivious of everything, and then wake up and start totally anew. . .

“Poor girl! . . . ” he said, having looked at the now empty end of the bench. “She'll come to her senses, cry a little, and then her mother will find out... First she'll hit her, then she'll give her a whipping, badly and shamefully, and maybe even throw her out... And if she doesn't, the Darya Frantsevnas will get wind of it anyway, and my girl will start running around here and there... Then right away the hospital (it's always like that when they live with their honest mothers and carry on in secret), well, and then... then the hospital again... wine... pot-houses... back to the hospital... in two or three years she'll be a wreck, so altogether she'll have lived to be nineteen, or only eighteen years old... Haven't I seen the likes of her? And how did they come to it? Just the same way... that's how... Pah! And so what! They say that's just how it ought to be. Every year, they say, a certain percentage has to go... somewhere... to the devil, it must be, so as to freshen up the rest and not interfere with them. ^{^[33]} A percentage! Nice little words they have, really: so reassuring, so scientific. A certain percentage, they say, meaning there's nothing to worry about. Now, if it was some other word... well, then maybe it would be more worrisome... And what if Dunechka somehow gets into the percentage! ... If not that one, then some other? . . .

“And where am I going to? ” he thought suddenly. “Strange. I was going for some reason. As soon as I read the letter, off I went... To Vasilievsky Island, to Razumikhin's, that's where I was going. . .

now I remember. What for, however? And how is it that the thought of going to see Razumikhin flew into my head precisely now? Remarkable! ”

He marveled at himself. Razumikhin was one of his former university friends. It was remarkable that Raskolnikov had almost no friends while he was at the university, kept aloof from everyone, visited no one, and had difficulty receiving visitors. Soon, however, everyone also turned away from him. General gatherings, conversations, merrymaking—he somehow did not participate in any of it. He was a zealous student, unsparing of himself, and was respected for it, but no one loved him. He was very poor and somehow haughtily proud and unsociable, as though he were keeping something to himself. It seemed to some of his friends that he looked upon them all as children, from above, as though he were ahead of them all in development, in knowledge, and in convictions, and that he regarded their convictions and interests as something inferior.

Yet for some reason he became close with Razumikhin—that is, not really close, but he was more sociable, more frank with him. However, it was impossible to be on any other terms with Razumikhin. He was an exceptionally cheerful and sociable fellow, kind to the point of simplicity. However, this simplicity concealed both depth and dignity. The best of his friends understood that; everyone loved him. He was far from stupid, though indeed a bit simple at times. His appearance was expressive—tall, thin, black-haired, always badly shaved. He could be violent on occasion, and was reputed to be a very strong man. Once, at night, in company, he knocked down a six-and-a-half-foot keeper of the peace with one blow. He could drink ad infinitum, or he could not drink at all; he could be impossibly mischievous, or he could not be mischievous at all. Razumikhin was also remarkable in that no setbacks ever confounded him, and no bad circumstances seemed able to crush him. He could make his lodgings even on a rooftop, suffer hellish hunger and extreme cold. He was very poor, and supported himself decidedly on his own, alone, getting money by work of one sort or another. He knew an endless number of sources to draw from—by means of working, of course. Once he went a whole winter without heating his room, asserting that he even found it more pleasant, because one sleeps better in the cold. At present he, too, had been forced to leave the university, but not for long, and he was trying in all haste to straighten out his circumstances so that he could continue. Raskolnikov had not visited him for about four months now, and Razumikhin did not even know his address. Once, some two months ago, they had chanced to meet in the street, but Raskolnikov had turned away and even crossed to the other side so as not to be noticed. And Razumikhin, though he did notice, passed by, not wishing to trouble a friend.

“In fact, just recently I was meaning to go to Razumikhin and ask him for work, to get me some lessons or something... ” Raskolnikov went on puzzling, “but how can he help me now? Suppose he does get me lessons, suppose he even shares his last kopeck with me, if he has a kopeck, so that I could even buy boots and fix up my outfit enough to go and give lessons... hm... Well, and what then? What good will five coppers do me? Is that what I need now? Really, it's ridiculous to be going to Razumikhin. . . ”

The question of why he was now going to Razumikhin troubled him more than he was even aware; he anxiously tried to find some sinister meaning for himself in this seemingly quite ordinary act.

“So, then, did I really mean to straighten things out with Razumikhin alone? To find the solution for everything in Razumikhin? ” he asked himself in surprise.

He went on thinking and rubbing his forehead, and, strangely, somehow by chance, suddenly and almost of itself, after very long reflection, there came into his head a certain most strange thought.

“Hm... to Razumikhin, ” he said suddenly, quite calmly, as if with a sense of final decision, “I will go to Razumikhin, of course I will... but—not now... I will go to him... the next day, after that, once that is already finished and everything has taken a new course... ”

And suddenly he came to his senses.

“After that, “ he cried out, tearing himself from the bench, “but will that be? Will it really be? ”

He abandoned the bench and started walking, almost running; he had been about to turn back home, but going home suddenly became terribly disgusting to him; it was there, in that corner, in that terrible cupboard, that for more than a month now all that had been ripening; and so he just followed his nose.

His nervous trembling turned into some sort of feverishness; he even began shivering; in such heat he was getting a chill. As if with effort, almost unconsciously, by some inner necessity, he began peering at every object he encountered, as though straining after some diversion, but he failed miserably, and every moment kept falling into revery. And when he would raise his head again, with a start, and look around, he would immediately forget what he had just been thinking about and even which way he had come. In this fashion he went right across Vasilievsky Island, came to the Little Neva, crossed the bridge, and turned towards the Islands. ^{^[34]} At first the greenness and freshness pleased his tired eyes, accustomed to city dust, lime, and enormous, crowding and crushing buildings. Here there was no closeness, no stench, no taverns. But soon these pleasant new sensations turned painful and irritating. Occasionally he would stop in front of a summer house decked out in greenery, look through the fence, and see dressed-up women far away, on balconies and terraces, and children running in the garden. He took special interest in the flowers; he looked longer at them than at anything else. He also met with luxurious carriages, men and women on horseback; he would follow them with curious eyes and forget them before they disappeared from sight. Once he stopped and counted his money; it came to about thirty kopecks. “Twenty to the policeman, three to Nastasya for the letter—so I gave the Marmeladovs some forty-seven or fifty kopecks yesterday, ” he thought, going over his accounts for some reason, but soon he even forgot why he had taken the money from his pocket. He remembered about it as he was passing an eating-house, a sort of cook-shop, and felt that he wanted to eat. Going into the cook-shop, he drank a glass of vodka and ate a piece of pie with some sort of filling. He finished it on the road. He had not drunk vodka for a very long time and it affected him at once, though he had drunk only one glass. His feet suddenly became heavy, and he began feeling a strong inclination to sleep. He started for home; but having reached Petrovsky Island, he stopped in complete exhaustion, left the road, went into the bushes, collapsed on the grass, and in a moment was asleep.

In a morbid condition, dreams are often distinguished by their remarkably graphic, vivid, and extremely lifelike quality. The resulting picture is sometimes monstrous, but the setting and the whole process of the presentation sometimes happen to be so probable, and with details so subtle, unexpected, yet artistically consistent with the whole fullness of the picture, that even the dreamer himself would be unable to invent them in reality, though he were as much an artist as Pushkin or Turgenev. ^{^[35]} Such dreams, morbid dreams, are always long remembered and produce a strong impression on the disturbed and already excited organism of the person.

Raskolnikov had a terrible dream. ^{^[36]} He dreamed of his childhood, while still in their little town. He is about seven years old and is strolling with his father on a feast day, towards evening, outside of town. The weather is gray, the day is stifling, the countryside is exactly as it was preserved in his memory: it was even far more effaced in his memory than it appeared now in his dream. The town stands open to view; there is not a single willow tree around it; somewhere very far off, at the very edge of the sky, is the black line of a little forest. A few paces beyond the town's last kitchen garden stands a tavern, a big tavern, which had always made the most unpleasant impression on him, and even frightened him, when he passed it on a stroll with his father. There was always such a crowd there; they shouted, guffawed, swore so much; they sang with such ugly and hoarse voices, and fought so often; there were always such drunk and scary mugs loitering around the tavern... Meeting them, he would press close to his father and tremble all over. The road by the tavern, a country track, was always dusty, and the dust was always so black. It meandered on, and in another three hundred paces or so skirted the town cemetery on the right. In the middle of the cemetery there was a stone church with a green cupola, where he went for the liturgy with his father and mother twice a year, when memorial services were held for his grandmother, who had died a long time before and whom he had never seen. On those occasions they always made kutya ^{^[37]} and brought it with them on a white platter, wrapped in a napkin, and kutya was sugary, made of rice, with raisins pressed into the rice in the form of a cross. He loved this church and the old icons in it, most of them without settings, and the old priest with his shaking head. Next to his grandmother's grave, covered with a flat gravestone, there was also the little grave of his younger brother, who had died at six months old, and whom he also did not know at all and could not remember; but he had been told that he had had a little brother, and each time he visited the cemetery, he crossed himself religiously and reverently over the grave, bowed to it, and kissed it. And so now, in his dream, he and his father are going down the road to the cemetery, past the tavern; he is holding his father's hand and keeps looking fearfully at the tavern over his shoulder. A special circumstance attracts his attention: this time there seems to be some sort of festivity, a crowd of dressed-up townspeople, peasant women, their husbands, and all kinds of rabble. Everyone is drunk, everyone is singing songs, and near the porch of the tavern stands a cart, but a strange cart. It is one of those big carts to which big cart-horses are harnessed for transporting goods and barrels of wine. He always liked watching those huge horses, long-maned and thick-legged, moving calmly, at a measured pace, pulling some whole mountain behind them without the least strain, as if the load made it even easier for them. But now, strangely, to such a big cart a small, skinny, grayish peasant nag had been harnessed, one of those—he had often seen it—that sometimes overstrain themselves pulling a huge load of firewood or hay, especially if the cart gets stuck in the mud or a rut, and in such cases the peasants always whip them so painfully, so painfully, sometimes even on the muzzle and eyes, and he would feel so sorry, so sorry as he watched it that he almost wept, and his mother would always take him away from the window. Then suddenly it gets very noisy: out of the tavern, with shouting, singing, and balalaikas, come some big peasants, drunk as can be, in red and blue shirts, with their coats thrown over their shoulders. “Get in, get in, everybody! ” shouts one of them, still a young man, with a fat neck and a beefy face, red as a carrot. “I'll take everybody for a ride! Get in! ” But all at once there is a burst of laughter and exclamations:

“Not with a nag like that! ”

“Are you out of your mind, Mikolka—harnessing such a puny mare to such a cart! ”

“That gray can't be less than twenty years old, brothers! ”

“Get in, I'll take everybody! ” Mikolka cries again, and he jumps into the cart first, takes the reins, and stands up tall in the front. “The bay just left with Matvei, ” he shouts from the cart, “and this little runt of a mare breaks my heart—I might as well kill her, she's not worth her feed. Get in, I say! I'll make her gallop! Oh, how she'll gallop! ” And he takes a whip in his hand, already enjoying the idea of whipping the gray.

“Get in, why not! ” guffaws come from the crowd. “She'll gallop, did you hear? ”

“I bet she hasn't galloped in ten years! ”

“She will now! ”

“Don't spare her, brothers, take your whips, get ready! ”

“Here we go! Whip her up! ” They all get into Mikolka's cart, joking and guffawing. About six men pile in, and there is still room for more. They take a peasant woman, fat and ruddy. She is dressed in red calico, with a bead-embroidered kichka ^{^[38]} on her head and boots on her feet; she cracks nuts and giggles all the while. The crowd around them is laughing, too, and indeed how could they not laugh: such a wretched little mare is going to pull such a heavy load at a gallop! Two fellows in the cart take up their whips at once to help Mikolka. To shouts of “Giddap! ” the little mare starts pulling with all her might, but she can scarcely manage a slow walk, much less a gallop; she just shuffles her feet, grunts, and cowers under the lashes of the three whips showering on her like hail. The laughter in the cart and in the crowd redoubles, but Mikolka is angry, and in his rage he lashes the mare with quicker blows, as if he really thinks she can go at a gallop.

“Let me in, too, brothers! ” one fellow, his appetite whetted, shouts from the crowd.

“Get in! Everybody get in! ” cries Mikolka. “She'll pull everybody! I'll whip her to death! ” And he lashes and lashes, and in his frenzy he no longer even knows what to lash her with.

“Papa, papa, ” he cries to his father, “papa, what are they doing? Papa, they're beating the poor horse! ”

“Come along, come along! ” says his father. “They're drunk, they're playing pranks, the fools—come along, don't look! ” and he wants to take him away, but he tears himself from his father's hands and, beside himself, runs to the horse. But the poor horse is in a bad way. She is panting, she stops, tugs again, nearly falls.

“Whip the daylights out of her! ” shouts Mikolka. “That's what it's come to. I'll whip her to death! ”

“Have you no fear of God, or what, you hairy devil! ” an old man shouts from the crowd.

“Who ever saw such a puny little horse pull a load like that? ” someone else adds.

“You'll do her in! ” shouts a third.

“Hands off! It's my goods! I can do what I want. Get in, more of you. Everybody get in! She's damn well going to gallop! . . . ”

Suddenly there is a burst of guffaws that drowns out everything: the mare cannot endure the quick lashing and, in her impotence, has begun to kick. Even the old man cannot help grinning. Really, such a wretched mare, and still kicking!

Two fellows from the crowd get two more whips and run to whip the horse from the side. Each takes a side.

“On the muzzle, on the eyes, lash her on the eyes! ” shouts Mikolka. ^{^[39]}

“Let's have a song, brothers! ” someone shouts from the cart, and everyone in the cart joins in. A drunken song breaks out, a tambourine rattles, they whistle to the refrain. The peasant woman cracks nuts and giggles.

. . . He runs past the horse, runs ahead of her, sees how they are lashing her on the eyes, right on the eyes! He is crying. His heart is in his throat, the tears are flowing. One of the whips grazes his face, he does not feel it, he wrings his hands, he shouts, he rushes to the gray-bearded old man, who is shaking his head in disapproval of it all. A woman takes him by the hand and tries to lead him away; but he breaks free and runs back to the horse. She is already at her last gasp, but she starts kicking again.

“Ah, go to the hairy devil! ” Mikolka cries out in a rage. He drops his whip, bends down, and pulls a long and stout shaft from the bottom of the cart, takes one end of it in both hands and, with an effort, swings it aloft over the gray horse.

“He'll strike her dead! ” people cry.

“He'll kill her! ”

“It's my goods! ” shouts Mikolka, and with a full swing he brings the shaft down. There is a heavy thud.

“Whip her, whip her! Why did you stop! ” voices cry from the crowd.

Mikolka takes another swing, and another blow lands full on the miserable nag's back. Her hind legs give way, but then she jumps up and pulls, pulls with all the strength she has left, pulls this way and that, trying to move the cart; but six whips come at her from all sides, and the shaft is raised again and falls for a third time, then a fourth, in heavy, rhythmic strokes. Mikolka is furious that he was unable to kill her with one blow.

“She's tough! ” they shout.

“She'll drop this time, brothers; it's the end of her! ” one enthusiast yells from the crowd.

“Take an axe to her! Finish her off fast, ” shouts a third.

“Eh, let the fleas eat you! Step aside! ” Mikolka cries out frenziedly, and he drops the shaft, bends down again, and pulls an iron crowbar from the bottom of the cart. “Look out! ” he yells, and he swings it with all his might at the poor horse. The blow lands; the wretched mare staggers, sinks down, tries to pull, but another full swing of the crowbar lands on her back, and she falls to the ground as if all four legs had been cut from under her.

“Give her the final one! ” shouts Mikolka, and he leaps from the cart as if beside himself. Several fellows, also red and drunk, seize whatever they can find—whips, sticks, the shaft—and run to the dying mare. Mikolka plants himself at her side and starts beating her pointlessly on the back with the crowbar. The nag stretches out her muzzle, heaves a deep sigh, and dies.

“He's done her in! ” they shout from the crowd.

“But why wouldn't she gallop! ”

“It's my goods! ” Mikolka cries, holding the crowbar in his hands, his eyes bloodshot. He stands there as if he regretted having nothing else to beat.

“Really, you've got no fear of God in you! ” many voices now shout from the crowd.

But the poor boy is beside himself. With a shout he tears through the crowd to the gray horse, throws his arms around her dead, bleeding muzzle, and kisses it, kisses her eyes and mouth... Then he suddenly jumps up and in a frenzy flies at Mikolka with his little fists. At this moment his father, who has been chasing after him all the while, finally seizes him and carries him out of the crowd.

“Come along, come along now! ” he says to him. “Let's go home! ”

“Papa! What did they... kill... the poor horse for! ” he sobs, but his breath fails, and the words burst like cries from his straining chest.

“They're drunk, they're playing pranks, it's none of our business, come along! ” his father says. He throws his arms around his father, but there is such strain, such strain in his chest. He tries to take a breath, to cry out, and wakes up.

He awoke panting, all in a sweat, his hair damp with sweat, and started up in terror.

“Thank God it was only a dream! ” he said, leaning back against a tree and drawing a deep breath. “But what's wrong? Am I coming down with a fever? Such a hideous dream! ”

His whole body was as if broken; his soul was dark and troubled. He leaned his elbows on his knees and rested his head in both hands.

“God! ” he exclaimed, “but can it be, can it be that I will really take an axe and hit her on the head and smash her skull... slip in the sticky, warm blood, break the lock, steal, and tremble, and hide, all covered with blood... with the axe... Lord, can it be? ”

He was trembling like a leaf as he said it.

“But what's wrong with me? ” he went on, straightening up again, and as if in deep amazement. “I knew very well I could never endure it, so why have I been tormenting myself all this while? Even yesterday, yesterday, when I went to make that... trial, even yesterday I fully realized I could not endure it... So what is this now? Why have I doubted all along? Just yesterday, going down the stairs, I myself said it was mean, nasty, vile, vile... the mere thought of it made me vomit in reality and threw me into horror. . .

“No, I couldn't endure it, I couldn't endure it! Suppose, suppose there are even no doubts in all those calculations, suppose all that's been decided in this past month is clear as day, true as arithmetic. Lord! Even so, I wouldn't dare! I couldn't endure it, I couldn't! ... What, what has this been all along? . . . ”

He got to his feet, looked around as if wondering how he had ended up there, and walked towards the T------v Bridge. He was pale, his eyes were burning, all his limbs felt exhausted, but he suddenly seemed to breathe more easily. He felt he had just thrown off the horrible burden that had been weighing him down for so long, and his soul suddenly became light and peaceful. “Lord! ” he pleaded, “show me my way; I renounce this cursed... dream of mine! ”

Walking across the bridge, he looked calmly and quietly at the Neva, at the bright setting of the bright, red sun. In spite of his weakness, he was not even aware of any fatigue in himself. It was as if an abscess in his heart, which had been forming all that month, had suddenly burst. Freedom, freedom! He was now free of that spell, magic, sorcery, obsession!

Later on, when he recalled this time and all that happened to him during these days, minute by minute, point by point, feature by feature, he was always struck to superstition by one circumstance which, though in fact not very unusual, afterwards constantly seemed to him as if it were a sort of predetermination of his fate.

Namely, he could in no way understand or explain to himself why he, for whom it would have been most profitable, tired and worn out as he was, to return home by the shortest and most direct way, instead returned home through the Haymarket, where he had no need at all to go. The detour was not a long one, but it was obvious and totally unnecessary. Of course, it had happened to him dozens of times that he would return home without remembering what streets he had taken. But why, he always asked, why had such an important, decisive, and at the same time highly accidental encounter in the Haymarket (where he did not even have any reason to go) come just then, at such an hour and such a moment in his life, to meet him precisely in such a state of mind and precisely in such circumstances as alone would enable it, this encounter, to produce the most decisive and final effect on his entire fate? As if it had been waiting for him there on purpose!

It was about nine o'clock when he walked through the Haymarket. All the merchants with tables or trays, in shops big and small, were locking up their establishments, removing or packing away their wares, and going home, as were their customers. Numbers of various traffickers and ragpickers of all sorts were crowding around the ground floor cook-shops, in the dirty and stinking courtyards of the houses on the Haymarket, and more especially near the taverns. Raskolnikov liked these places most, as well as all the neighboring side streets, in his aimless wanderings. Here his rags attracted no supercilious attention, and one could go about dressed in anything without scandalizing people. Just at ------ny Lane, on the corner, a tradesman and a woman, his wife, had been selling their wares from two tables: thread, trimmings, cotton handkerchiefs, and so on. They, too, were heading for home, but lingered, talking with a woman acquaintance who had come up to them. This woman was Lizaveta Ivanovna, or simply Lizaveta, as everyone called her, the younger sister of that same old woman, Alyona Ivanovna, widow of a collegiate registrar, ^{^[40]} the money-lender whom Raskolnikov had visited the day before to pawn his watch and make his trial... He had long known all about this Lizaveta, and she even knew him slightly. She was a tall, awkward, timid, and humble wench of thirty-five, all but an idiot, and was a complete slave to her sister, worked for her day and night, trembled before her, and even suffered her beatings. She stood hesitantly before the tradesman and the woman, holding a bundle and listening to them attentively. They were explaining something to her with particular ardor. When Raskolnikov suddenly saw her, some strange sensation, akin to the deepest amazement, seized him, though there was nothing amazing in this encounter.

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