Short stories 6 страница

I lay a little more, listening to the melodies of birds. Then The Seekers’s song, " Colours Of My Life" brought me out of stupor.

" I'll be shedding black and gray to take on red and blue colors I can feel by touching you …"

I sighed, switched off the song and got out of the bed. There was nothing to do and there was no wish to. The fatigue began since morning already. It seemed like all thoughts of the world were pushing hard on me. And sometimes the frightening voices prompted terrible ideas – to swallow a coin, to gouge out eyes or to thrust fingers into the socket. But, fortunately, the meds and the instinct of self-preservation kept me from such thoughts.

Having turned on the light and having put fried eggs to cook, I tried not to think of that person who brought me so much chagrin, – my schoolmate.

I came VK from the phone and saw the message. It was my friend Vasya. He was engaged in programming and hoped to wait for the era of immortality and artificial intelligence.

– Have you calmed down? I am glad.

– Yes, I have. Everything passed. I don't love you any more.

I was in love with Vasya only for a month, but he didn't love me back. The feeling had passed, but the friendship, continuing for many years, remained.

I felt how fine the spring is. It was cheerful to be happy and not to be in love with anyone again.

Fried eggs with tomatoes were made, and I sat down at the table. And started again recalling that person who brought me so much grief. It was my schoolmate whom I was in love with since childhood.

I recalled the last four years of my life: depression, hopelessness, a wish to die. I remembered also what was earlier: strange meetings with people to whom I went to other cities, unending paranoia. I took those people for others, and some used it and enticed me to visit them. Once I went abroad and there was forced to have sex with an unfamiliar guy. I thought that it was my classmate or someone, related to him. Another time I went to Moscow, considering that one famous chess player called me on the Internet. Having wandered around the city, I returned to the railway station, spent 24 hours there and went home. Once I sent to my classmate a love letter, my old diary about him, as I considered that he spies over me.

All that weirdness proceeded during three years, and I already got used to them. Many chess players whom I played with those years online called me inadequate. But I didn't understand why. Then 2011 came. And there a terrible thing happened: first psychosis.

One fine day I understood that all people of the world are watching me and reading my thoughts. That I can cause earthquakes in Japan. I took out all books from the room – they were poisoned. Burned money and broke the phone – money was the proofs, and in the phone there was a bomb. I knew it precisely by some details, unclear to normal people. Everything, it seemed, indicated the presence of invisible enemies. Even numbers in date of my birth and my address, appeared to be connected with the greatest secret societies of the planet. Yes, I was intended for the higher goals. But many people in the world wanted to prevent it. Their secret organizations pursued me all my life, were secretly killing my relatives, arranging arsons and accidents where I lived.

When I began to cut my slippers, trying to find in them the confidential tracking cameras put to watch over me, mother interfered. She called the police and the ambulance and I was taken away in handcuffs into the psychiatric hospital.

In the hospital it was hard, but quiet. I met calm patients. I met violent patients. Kind nurses and doctors. I recovered. But in two months’ time got there again. I was sure that people are watching over me and shouting to me from the street. Three times more I gave up tablets, hoping for psychotherapy and recovery, but psychoses repeated again and again.

Once in the autumn of 2011, I decided to look for the nickname of my classmate in Google. And came to some rock-forum. The first topic that I had read was about me. My classmate uploaded my photos there, some strangers were discussing me in nasty expressions, mocking and calling me names. Also he wrote about me in the topic “my classmate is a ***re” and told lies that I offered him a blowjob. All this unsettled me for a long time. I wanted to kill myself. There was no wish to live after such insults. The dreams of love were destroyed. Everything seemed a dreadful dream.

I wrote letters to my classmate for some time, thinking that I will be able to forget everything and to make friends with him. But it didn’t work out. He didn't want to talk to me. Once in psychosis I asked him to call the ambulance, but he answered nothing.

… And then there came the summer 2015, and I unexpectedly for myself began to write on that forum. I wanted to make friends with people. But one of the old residents – the moderator of a forum – took a dislike to me. For five months he was bullying and offending me, wrote that I am not a schizophrenic, but just a stupid woman, that I will kill my children and that I don't wash myself, threatened " to make me hang myself" and " to euthanize". I had more than 140 screenshots of bullying. I began to search information about him and found his name, his surname, his work address and lots of photos. After a while I understood that I could fall in love with that person. At the requests of users, I wrote a small book about life in the mental hospital. It seemed to me that so I will achieve his understanding and respect. But it turned out just the opposite. He created the poll " to kill the ***ch" where he agitated everyone to ban me. Then he attached to my nickname the status " *ucked up". I banned myself, but he cleaned this status, and I returned. Soon he began to ban me, and banned many times, despite the objections of other administrators. He forged my messages and wrote the story on behalf of administrators about me killing them all. Created one more topic in the hidden forum sections " *ucked up" where they were discussing how to forbid me to view the forum. At first one person participated in persecution, but then many others joined it.

… In the autumn of 2015 I found out that I’m listing to the song " Love Is Just A Four-Letter Word" Joan Baez and reflecting on the T4 euthanasia program which it was mentioned on a VK avatar of that person. Often I wanted to die. There was a feeling that the control over my life is slipping from my fingers. It seemed if he didn't clean this status " *ucked up" from me, I, probably, would have committed suicide … Then, after he had banned me for the fifth time, I began to write letters to him and wrote them for the whole year. Perhaps, I hoped to change his view on the mentally ill, or perhaps I just liked his photos. After writing letters I was deleting all accounts, so that he couldn’t answer me, as I was afraid of him and angry.

… There came the spring of 2016 … all my accounts on the forum were banned, my friend the schizophrenic went to the mental hospital, and I couldn't track the forum anymore. Then I sent several screenshots to my insulter’s work. But the feeling of injustice and the violated rights was oppressive. It seemed to me that only the account on the forum would make me human. All people had accounts, and I didn’t have it. Therefore I began to actively meet users of the forum in VK. One of them had " *ucked up" written in the profile, so I slept with him, just for spite of the insulter, and had been using his password for two months. Then I got acquainted with several more people and began to meet them irl. Five good friends sometimes gave me their passwords. However, mentioning of psychoses and my " laziness" repelled people, and some acquaintances didn’t last for long. But I always had some password. Most often I sat on the forum from the page of my friend the schizophrenic …

… But once in the autumn of 2016 I quarreled with the friend schizophrenic, and I had no password any more. Then I sent to several people the message with the offer of “sex for the password”. One agreed. I slept with him, but he didn't give the password to me. Only sent the screenshot proving that there is no topic about me in the hidden forum sections. But it was not true… At the same time I purchased one voice in vote against me for one thousand rubles from one girl. It seemed to me, that way I will achieve justice …

… There came the winter of 2017. I, strangely enough, took the second place in the poll of " Miss Forum 2016", and the second place among " sc** 2016". Then I purchased the password from someone else's account for headphones and learned the contents of the most hidden forum sections. From the hidden topic I learned that they are afraid of me, considering me “a clown” and hate me, and the administrators don't defend me any more, and approve " lynching". In a year they made a smilie with me, wrote a hundred pages about me in the hidden forum sections, where they were discussing when will I, at last, kill myself, so that they will have nothing to be afraid of, and how to post spam on my VK wall and how to ban everyone who are on friendly terms with me …In a year one person calling me " the *ucked up animal" managed to have changed the opinion of many people and bring them to his side. Many users spread the screenshots of correspondence with me, and he did it too.

There came the disappointment. I didn't understand any more, what for and against what I had been fighting. For the sake of what I sold myself for the password. For the sake of what I tried to fight against " stigma" and what I expected to achieve. Having lain three days in the bed, I sent the letter to the insulter’s wife and told her about everything. She answered nothing and banned me VK.

Then the decision came – not to write him anymore. So the winter ended …

… The early autumn of 2017. I’m walking along the park. The warm memories of summer are heating the tired thoughts, and the blue sky reminds that inevitably, after a while the flowers and the herbs will appear again, and there will be spring again…

Friends

July evening. In the dark room we were alone: me and computer. I entered VK and began to glance over the dialogues …

– It is necessary to destroy all nature and to transfer our consciousness to a digital level!

– And what for?

– You are stupid, you don't understand … then everyone will be constantly enjoying life.

***************

– In marriage only sex is important, nothing more is necessary.

– And how about the mutual pastime, common interests?

– Women are only for sex! And for the rest there are friends.

***************

– Self-actualize in life, achieve results.

– But I already achieved some, it is boring.

– Try to achieve more.

– What for?

– To get rid of the meaningless of life.

***************

– And what if I call you a taxi for 12 midnight? You will come, we will chat.

– I stay at home at night. And it’s three hours’ drive!

– It’s alright, I will wait. I have already ordered the taxi, so it’s late to refuse.

– Better to meet in the afternoon, to chat, to take a walk … I’ve never even seen you irl!

The call was heard. A nasty drunk voice was asking why I don't want to go.

– What do I need to visit you for? " Just to listen to the music" at 12 midnight? I have already taken my meds and I go to bed!

– Well you understand what do I need from you! – he answered with a joyful mumbling voice. I shouted at him and hang up. So the evening ended. The was no mood to read any more messages, I lay down and began to ruminate about eternity. There was nobody to talk to.

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