Would you like a cigar? (не желаете ли сигару) 2 страница

Harry nodded in understanding (Гарри кивнул с пониманием).

John continued (продолжал), " When I was forty (когда мне было сорок), I could bend it ten degrees (мог отогнуть на десять градусов) with the greatest of effort (с сильнейшим напряжением). At fifty (в пятьдесят), I could bend it maybe twenty degrees (может быть, на двадцать градусов). And now that I'm past sixty (когда мне больше шестидесяти), I can bend it in half with one hand (наполовину, одной рукой). "

John paused to take a sip of his drink (умолк, чтобы отхлебнуть выпивки), and then (затем) said, " Harry, I wonder just how much stronger I'm going to get (Гарри, интересно, насколько сильнее я /еще/ стану).

Two retired banking colleagues, Harry and John, were enjoying a few martinis over lunch when John one suddenly mused, " You know, when I was thirty, my erection was so hard that I could grip it with both hands and not be able to bend it. "

Harry nodded in understanding.

John continued, " When I was forty, I could bend it ten degrees with the greatest of effort. At fifty, I could bend it maybe twenty degrees. And now that I'm past sixty, I can bend it in half with one hand. "

John paused to take a sip of his drink, and then said, " Harry, I wonder just how much stronger I'm going to get. "

I wonder just how much stronger I'm going to get.

Some small-time crooks (несколько мелких плутов; crook – крюк; обманщик, плут) decided (решили) that people were so stupid (что люди так глупы) that they would accept 18 dollar bills (что они бы приняли 18-ти долларовые купюры) if somebody gave then any (если бы кто-нибудь им дал их /to give-gave-given/). So they carefully made some plates (они аккуратно сделали несколько клише) and printed some up (и напечатали несколько), and went to a small town to try them out (и поехали в маленький городок испробовать их). They got up to a shopkeeper (они подошли к владельцу магазина) and talked for a while (и поговорили немного), then casually said (потом небрежно, вскользь сказали), " Say, can you give me change for an 18 dollar bill? (скажи, ты можешь мне разменять 18-ти долларовый чек)"

" Sure (конечно), " said the old shopkeeper (сказал старый хозяин магазина). " What would you like (что ты предпочтешь: «что бы ты хотел»), three 6's or two 9's? (три /купюры/ по шесть или две по девять)"

Some small-time crooks decided that people were so stupid that they would accept 18 dollar bills if somebody gave then any. So they carefully made some plates and printed some up, and went to a small town to try them out. They got up to a shopkeeper and talked for a while, then casually said, " Say, can you give me change for an 18 dollar bill? "

" Sure" said the old shopkeeper. " What would you like, three 6's or two 9's? "

Say, can you give me change for a hundred dollar bill?

There was a position open (было свободное место) for an accountant (бухгалтера) at one large firm (в одной большой фирме). They got the applicants down to 3 people (они остановили выбор на трех претендентах: «сбавили, спустили /число/ претендентов до трех»). The president was going to interview each one separately (собрался побеседовать с каждым отдельно). He asked the first applicant in (он пригласил первого кандидата).

" I'm going to ask you just one question (я собираюсь задать вам только один вопрос), " says the president (сказал президент), " What's 2+2? (сколько будет два плюс два)"

Applicant #1 promptly answers (кандидат сразу, быстро отвечает) " Four (четыре). "

" Thank you, we will get back to you (благодарю вас, мы к вам вернемся = мы с вами свяжемся), " replied the president.

The second applicant comes in (второй входит), same question (тот же вопрос) " What's 2+2? "

Applicant #2 thinks this must be a trick question (думает, что это вопрос с подвохом), thinks a little bit and says " Five" (думает немного и говорит «пять»). "

The president replies, " Well, that's obviously wrong (это явно неправильно), don't call us, we'll call you (не звоните нам, мы вам /сами/ позвоним). "

The third applicant comes in, same question " What's 2+2? "

The third applicant looks around (оглядывается) as if he's looking for someone else in the room (как будто он ищет кого-то еще в комнате) and replies, " What would you like it to be? (а сколько бы вам хотелось, чтобы это было)"

The president exclaims (восклицает), " YOU'RE MY MAN! (вы мой человек = вот вы-то мне и нужны, вы мне подходите)"

There was a position open for an accountant at this one large firm. They got the applicants down to 3 people. The president was going to interview each one separately. He asked the first applicant in.

" I'm going to ask you just one question, " says the president, " What's 2+2? "

Applicant #1 promptly answers " Four. "

" Thank you, we will get back to you, " replied the president.

The second applicant comes in, same question " What's 2+2? "

Applicant #2 thinks this must be a trick question, thinks a little bit and says " Five. "

The president replies, " Well, that's obviously wrong, don't call us, we'll call you. "

The third applicant comes in, same question " What's 2+2? "

The third applicant looks around as if he's looking for someone else in the room and replies, " What would you like it to be? "

The president exclaims, " YOU'RE MY MAN! "

I'm going to ask you just one question.

Well, that's obviously wrong.

You’re my man!

A very elderly couple (очень пожилая пара) is having an elegant dinner (устраивает изысканный ужин) to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary (отметить свою 75-юю годовщину свадьбы; to wed – выдавать замуж; вступать в брак). The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife (наклоняется вперед и говорит мягко своей жене), " Dear, there is something that I must ask you (дорогая, я должен тебя кое о чем спросить). It has always bothered me (меня всегда беспокоило) that our tenth child (что наш десятый ребенок) never quite looked like the rest of our children (никогда вполне не походил на остальных наших детей; rest – остаток, остальная часть). Now I want to assure you (сейчас я хочу заверить тебя) that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience (что это 75 лет были самым замечательным опытом) I could have ever hoped for (на который я мог надеяться), and your answer cannot take all that away (и твой ответ не может все это разрушить; to take away – убрать).

But... I must know, did he have a different father? (но... я должен знать, у него другой отец; different – отличный, отличающийся)"

The wife drops her head (супруга роняет = опускает голову), unable to look her husband in the eye (будучи не в состоянии смотреть в глаза своему мужу; able – умелый; способный), she paused for a moment (она помолчала секунду) and then confessed: " Yes. Yes he did (Да. Да, у него был /другой отец/). "

The old man is very shaken (очень потрясен; to shake – трясти), the reality of what his wife was admitting (реальность того, что признала его жена) hit him harder than he had expected (сделала ему больнее: «ударила его больше», чем он ожидал). With a tear in his eye he asks, (со слезой в глазу он спрашивает) " Who?.. Who was he? Who was the father? (кто, кто это был, кто был отцом)"

Again, the old woman drops her head (снова старушка опускает голову), saying nothing at first (сначала не говоря ничего) as she tried to muster the courage (пока она пыталась набраться смелости; muster – сбор, смотр, перекличка; to muster – собирать/ся/) to tell the truth to her husband (чтобы сказать правду своему мужу). Then, finally, she says, (потом наконец она говорит) " You".

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, " Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take all that away.

But… I must know, did he have a different father? "

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed: " Yes. Yes he did. "

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, " Who?... Who was he? Who was the father? "

Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says, " You".

Dear, there is something that I must ask you.

** LOST DOG (пропала собака: «пропавшая собака») **

3 legs (три лапы),

Blind in left eye (слепа на левый глаз),

Missing right ear (не хватает правого уха),

Tail broken (сломан хвост /to break-broke-broken/),

Recently castrated (недавно кастрирована),

Answers to the name of (откликается на кличку)

" LUCKY (Счастливчик)"

** LOST DOG **

3 legs,

Blind in left eye,

Missing right ear,

Tail broken,

Recently castrated,

Answers to the name of

" LUCKY"

Little girl asked her Mom (маленькая девочка спросила маму), " Mom, may I take the dog for a walk (мама, могу я повести собаку гулять: «взять на прогулку») around the block? (по кварталу: «вокруг квартала»)"

Mom says, " No, because the dog is in heat (нет, потому что у собаки течка: heat – жар; жара). "

" What's that mean? (что это значит)" asked the child (спросило дитя).

" Go ask your Father (пойди спроси у отца). I think he's in the garage (думаю, он в гараже). "

Little girl goes to the garage and says, " Dad, can I take Susie (могу я взять Сюзи) for a walk around the block? I asked Mom (я спросила маму) but she said the dog was in heat and that I should ask you (и чтобы я спросила тебя). "

Dad said, " Bring Susie over here (давай: «приведи» сюда Сюзи). " He took a rag (он взял тряпку /to take-took-taken/), soaked it with gasoline (намочил ее в бензине), and scrubbed the dog's butt with it (и потер ею cобачий зад) and said, " Ok, you can go now (теперь можешь идти), but keep Susie on the leash (но держи Сюзи на поводке) and only go one time (и обойди только один раз) around the block. "

Little girl left (ушла /to leave-left-left – оставить, покинуть/) and returned a few minutes later (вернулась через несколько минут) with no dog on the leash (без собаки на поводке).

Dad said, " Where's (где) Susie? "

Little girl said, " Susie ran out of gas (у Сюзи кончился бензин; run out off... – истощить свой запас /чего-либо/) about halfway (примерно на полпути) down the block (вниз по кварталу) and there's another dog pushing her home (и там другая собака буксирует: «толкает» ее домой). "

Little girl asked her Mom, " Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block? "
Mom says, " No, because the dog is in heat. "
" What's that mean? " asked the child.
" Go ask your Father. I think he's in the garage. "

Little girl goes to the garage and says, " Dad, can I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom but she said the dog was in heat and that I should ask you. "
Dad said, " Bring Susie over here. " He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's butt with it and said, " Ok, you can go now, but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block. "

Little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Dad said, " Where's Susie? "
Little girl said, " Susie ran out of gas about halfway down the block and there's another dog pushing her home. "

What's that mean?

Bring Susie over here!

My car ran out of gas.

After just a few years of marriage (через несколько лет после женитьбы), filled with constant arguments (наполненной постоянными спорами), a young man and his wife decided (молодой человек и его жена решили) the only way to save their marriage (что единственный способ спасти их брак) was to try counseling (это попробовать обратиться к психологу: «попробовать консультацию, проконсультироваться»). They had been at each other's throat for some time (они уже чуть не вцеплялись друг другу в горло: «они были при глотке друг друга некоторое время») and felt that this was their last straw (и чувствовали, что это их последняя соломинка /to feel-felt-felt/). When they arrived at the counselor's office (когда они пришли к психологу: «советнику»), the counselor jumped right in (сразу принялся за дело: «впрыгнул») and opened the floor for discussion (и открыл дискуссию; floor – пол, настил; места для членов /законодательного/ собрания).

" What seems to be the problem? (что представляется проблемой)"

Immediately (немедленно), the husband held his long face down (опускает свое длинное = вытянувшееся лицо вниз) without anything to say (не имея что сказать). On the other hand (с другой стороны, напротив же), the wife began talking 90 miles an hour (жена начала говорить со скоростью 90 миль в час /to begin-began-begun/) describing all the wrongs within their marriage (описывая все «неправильности» в: «внутри» их брака). After 5 – 10 – 15 minutes of listening to the wife (после пяти – десяти – пятнадцати минут «слушания» супруги), the counselor went over to her (подошел к ней), picked her up by her shoulders (взял: «подхватил» ее за плечи), kissed her passionately (поцеловал ее страстно; passion – страсть) for several minutes (в течение нескольких минут), and sat her back down (и посадил ее обратно /to sit-sat-sat/). Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless (после этого жена сидела там безмолвно; speech – речь).

He looked over at the husband (он оглянулся на мужа) who was staring in disbelief (кто в изумлении, не веря своим глазам смотрел: «уставился, глазел»; belief – вера, верование) at what had happened (на то, что произошло). The counselor spoke to the husband (заговорил с мужем /to speak-spoke-spoken/), " Your wife NEEDS that (ваша жена нуждается в этом) at least twice a week! (по крайней мере дважды в неделю)"

The husband scratched his head (почесал голову) and replied, " I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays (я могу приводить ее сюда по вторникам и четвергам). "

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.

" What seems to be the problem? "

Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 5 – 10 – 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.

He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, " Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week! "

The husband scratched his head and replied, " I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays. "

What seems to be the problem?

Your wife needs that at least twice a week!

A woman was thinking (женщина подумывала) about finding a pet (о том, чтобы найти питомца, домашнее животное) to keep her company at home (составить ей компанию дома). She decided (она решила) she would like (что она предпочтет) to find a beautiful parrot (найти красивого попугая); it wouldn't be as much work as say, a dog (это не было бы так много работы, как, скажем, с собакой), and it would be fun to hear it speak (и будет забавно слушать, как он говорит). She went to a pet shop (она пришла в зоомагазин) and immediately spotted (и тут же заметила) a large beautiful parrot (большого чудесного попугая). She went to the owner of the store (она подошла к владельцу магазина) and asked how much (и спросила, сколько /он стоит/). The owner said it was 50 bucks (владелец сказал: 50 баксов). Delighted (довольная) that such a rare looking (что такого редкого вида) and beautiful bird (и красивая птичка) wasn't more expensive (не была дороже), she agreed to buy it (она согласилась его купить).

The owner looked at her (посмотрел на нее) and said, " Listen, I should tell you first (послушайте, я должен вам сказать сначала = предупредить вас) that this bird used to live in a whorehouse (что эта птичка жила: «имела обыкновение жить» в борделе; whore – проститутка). Sometimes it says pretty vulgar stuff (иногда она говорит довольно пошлые вещи; stuff – материал). "

The woman thought about this (подумала об этом /to think-thought-thought/), but decided she had to have the bird (но решила, что она должна иметь эту птичку). She said she would buy it anyway (она сказала, что она в любом случае, все равно ее купит). The pet-shop owner sold (продал /to sell-sold-sold/) her the bird and she took it home (принесла ее домой /to take-took-taken – взять/). She hung the bird's cage up (она повесила птичью клетку) in her living room (в гостиной) and waited for it to say something (и стала ждать, чтобы он /попугай/ сказал что-нибудь).

The bird looked around the room (птица оглядела комнату), then at her (потом /посмотрела/ на нее), and said, " New house, new madam (новый дом, новая мадам). "

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication (женщина была несколько шокирована смыслом, подтекстом /этих слов/; to implicate – вовлекать, впутывать; заключать в себе, подразумевать), but then thought, " That's not so bad (это не так плохо = ничего страшного). "

A couple hours later (пару часов спустя), the woman's two teenage daughters (две дочери-тинейджеры /т. е. не достигшие еще 20 лет/) returned from school (вернулись из школы). When they inspected the bird (когда они рассматривали птицу), it looked at them and said, " New house, new madam, new whores (новый дом, новая мадам, новые шлюшки). "

The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first (были немного оскорблены сначала), but then began to laugh about the situation (но потом начали смеяться над этой ситуацией /to begin-began-begun/).

A couple of hours later, the woman's husband came home from work (муж женщины пришел с работы). The bird looked at him and said, " New house, new madam, new whores; same old faces. Hi George! (новый дом, новая мадам, новые шлюшки, те же старые лица. Привет, Джордж)"

A woman was thinking about finding a pet to keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot; it wouldn't be as much work as say, a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak. She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how much. The owner said it was 50 bucks. Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it.

The owner looked at her and said, " Listen, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse. Sometimes it says pretty vulgar stuff. " The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird. She said she would buy it anyway. The pet-shop owner sold her the bird and she took it home. She hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, " New house, new madam. " The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, " That's not so bad. "

A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters returned from school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and said, " New house, new madam, new whores. " The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but then began to laugh about the situation.

A couple of hours later, the woman's husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, " New house, new madam, new whores; same old faces. Hi George! "

That's not so bad.

Same old faces.

Typical Mexican macho man (типичный мексиканский мачо) married typical good-looking Mexican lady (женился на типичной красивой: «хорошо выглядящей» мексиканской женщине) and after the wedding (и после свадьбы) laid down the following rules: (установил следующие правила) " I'll be home when I want (я буду дома, буду приходить домой, когда я хочу), if I want (если захочу) and at what time I want (и тогда: «в такое время», когда я хочу) – and I don't expect any hassle from you (и я не жду никакого ворчания от тебя = и чтобы не было никакого ворчания, недовольства; hassle – перебранка, стычка). I expect a great dinner to be on the table (я ожидаю отличный ужин на столе) unless I tell you otherwise (если только я не скажу тебе другого: «по-другому»). I'll go hunting (я буду ходить на охоту), fishing (рыбалку), boozing (на попойки; booze – спиртной напиток; to booze – пьянствовать) and card-playing (на карточные игры) when I want with my old buddies (с моими старыми дружками) and don't you give me a hard time (и не надоедай мне: «не давай мне жесткого = тяжелого времени») about it (из-за этого, по этому поводу). Those are my rules! (таковы мои правила, установления) Any comments? (какие-нибудь замечания)"

His new bride said (его новая невеста сказала), " No, that's fine with me (нет, это мне подходит: «это хорошо со мной»). Just understand (только пойми = запомни) that there'll be sex here (здесь будет секс) at seven o'clock every night (в семь часов каждый вечер) – whether you're here or not (будешь ты здесь или нет). "

Typical Mexican macho man married typical good-looking Mexican lady and after the wedding laid down the following rules: " I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want – and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules! Any comments? "

His new bride said, " No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night – whether you're here or not. "

Don't you give me a hard time about it!

Any comments?

No, that's fine with me.

Pretty girl (миленькая девушка): " May I try on (я могу примерить) that two-piece suit (тот /купальный/ костюм /двойку/; piece – кусок, часть, штука) in the window? (в витрине: «в окне»)"

Store manager (менеджер магазина): " Go right ahead (да, конечно, давайте: «идите прямо вперед»). It might help business (это может помочь бизнесу). "

Pretty girl: " May I try on that two-piece suit in the window? "

Store manager: " Go right ahead. It might help business. "

May I try on that suit?

Go right ahead.

It might help business.

This old gal («старушка»: gal – девчонка) was trying on (примеряла; to try – пробовать; стараться) one of those blouses with a plunging neckline (одну из тех блузок, /что/ с глубоким вырезом; to plunge – нырять) and after looking herself over in the mirror (после того, как оглядела себя в зеркале), asked a saleslady (спросила продавщицу) if she thought it was too low-cut (не думает ли она, что вырез слишком глубок: «что это слишком глубоко вырезано» /to think-thought-thought/).

" Do you have hair on your chest? (у вас есть волосы на груди)" the saleslady asked.

" No! " she squealed (взвизгнула).

" Well then (ну, тогда), " the saleslady said, " it's too low-cut (он слишком глубок). "

This old gal was trying on one of those blouses with a plunging neckline and after looking herself over in the mirror, asked a saleslady if she thought it was too low-cut.

" Do you have hair on your chest? " the saleslady asked.

" No! " she squealed.

" Well then, " the saleslady said, " it's too low-cut. "

It's too low-cut.

A man accompanied a friend home for dinner one evening (человек сопровождал друга домой на ужин однажды вечером) and noticed (заметил) that as soon as they entered the door (что, как только они вошли в дверь), his friend kissed his wife (поцеловал свою жену) and told her how pretty she looked (и сказал ей, как чудно она выглядит /to tell-told-told/). After dinner, he complimented his wife on the food (он похвалил жену за еду) and kissed her again (снова).

" Do you always do that? (ты всегда так делаешь)" asked the visitor (спросил гость) when they were alone (когда они были одни).

" You bet I do (конечно, да; to bet – держать пари; биться об заклад), " answered the man. " It helps keep our marriage a happy one (это помогает сохранить наш брак счастливым). "

The visitor was greatly impressed (сильно впечатлен) and decided (решил) to use the same procedure with his own wife (использовать то же действие с его собственной женой; procedure – образ действия; процедура /напр. парламентская/ [pr∂ `si: dż ∂ ]). That night (в тот вечер) he swept her into his arms (он сгреб ее в объятия: «в руки» /to sweep-swept-swept – мести/) when he got home (когда он пришел домой /to get-got-got – получать; прибыть, добраться/) and kissed her warmly (нежно; warm – теплый). " Sweetheart (милая: sweet – сладкий + heart – сердце), " he said, " you look wonderful tonight (ты выглядишь чудесно сегодня /вечером/), and I'm a lucky man to have such a beautiful wife (я счастлив, имея такую прелестную жену). "

His wife looked at him in amazement (с удивлением), then burst into tears (затем залилась слезами /to burst-burst-burst – лопнуть; разразиться/).

" For Pete's sake (ради /святого/ Петра), " exclaimed (воскликнул) the astonished (изумленный) man, " what's the matter? (в чем дело, что случилось)"

" What a day this has been! (что за день это был)" his wife answered. " First Johnny (сначала Джонни) sprained his ankle (растянул лодыжку), then the washing machine (затем стиральная машина) broke down (сломалась /to break-broke-broken/) and flooded the basement (затопила подвал; basement – фундамент, цоколь; подвал), and now you come home drunk! (а теперь /и/ ты /еще/ приходишь домой пьяный)"

A man accompanied a friend home for dinner one evening and noticed that as soon as they entered the door, his friend kissed his wife and told her how pretty she looked. After dinner, he complimented his wife on the food and kissed her again.

" Do you always do that? " asked the visitor when they were alone.

" You bet I do, " answered the man. " It helps keep our marriage a happy one. "

The visitor was greatly impressed and decided to use the same procedure with his own wife. That night he swept her into his arms when he got home and kissed her warmly. " Sweetheart, " he said, " you look wonderful tonight, and I'm a lucky man to have such a beautiful wife. "

His wife looked at him in amazement, then burst into tears.

" For Pete's sake, " exclaimed the astonished man, " what's the matter? "

" What a day this has been! " his wife answered. " First Johnny sprained his ankle, then the washing machine broke down and flooded the basement, and now you come home drunk! "

You bet!

It helps keep our marriage a happy one.

Sweetheart, you look wonderful tonight!

For Pete’s sake (for God’s; Heaven’s)!

What a day this has been!

Two ministers were discussing the lack of morals in the modern world (два священника обсуждали недостаток морали в современном мире).

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