Chapter 30

Chapter 30

“I don’t think this is wise,” Alastir said as he sat in the chair across from Casteel and me the following day.

Casteel stretched out his legs, crossing them at the ankles. He looked utterly at ease but I knew better. I hadn’t opened my senses. Part of me was half afraid that if I did, I would start glowing silver even though I hadn’t when I tested it out on Casteel upon returning to our rooms the night before.

But I knew.

It was as if I had opened myself up to him. There were no tastes in the back of my throat, but I knew he was annoyed with Alastir and struggling to remain patient. I knew he was also bored with the conversation five seconds after it began. These were not speculations. I knew this to be true, because when I did open myself up to him, I felt those exact emotions.

Just like I had when I woke this morning to Casteel watching me from where he lay beside me and knew he was hungry. Not for blood. Hungry like he had been when we stood outside Vonetta’s house. What I’d felt from him had brought forth a heady reaction from my body, and when he left the bed without touching me, I felt his confusion.

Then, when Vonetta showed up with clothing that I had yet to go through and a basket of powdery doughnuts, I’d looked at her and had known that she felt no ill feelings toward me. There was curiosity and a low-level buzz of wariness, but she didn’t distrust or dislike me. When I opened my senses to her, what I felt confirmed that.

And now, I could feel Alastir’s dismay simply by looking at him. It was thick like curdled milk.

What I felt was not my imagination, that much I knew. This was my abilities changing yet again, possibly even growing stronger.

“I do not think you should marry without the King’s and Queen’s permission,” Alastir said.

“You know I don’t need their permission.”

“But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t request it. Even if they reject this marriage, you can still proceed, but at least you would be doing so with their knowledge,” Alastir argued. “Marrying here or in Saion’s Cove without their consent or knowledge will cause a spectacle, Casteel.”

“It would only cause a spectacle if people realize they were unaware.” Casteel crossed his arms. “Which is something no one should realize since it’s not improbable for me to have sent word home to them.”

Alastir leaned forward. “Casteel, I really think—”

“You’re not going to change his mind,” I interjected, nearly as weary with the conversation as Casteel was.

“And what about yours?” Alastir demanded. “Would you wish to meet your future mother-in-law before or after you’ve married her son? Or does what you want even matter?”

The pulse of fury from Casteel was a warning, but it was my irritation with that question that led me to say, “If I hadn’t agreed with Casteel, we wouldn’t even be having this conversation with you.”

“Penellaphe, trust me when I say that this is not something either of you needs to rush into,” he said, gentling his voice, but I felt a thread of…anger that was not mine or Casteel’s. “You have time. All the time in the world.”

But we didn’t. “In a perfect world, I would’ve loved to have been courted in a way that didn’t involve kidnappings or fleeing the Ascended.”

“Or being stabbed,” Casteel murmured under his breath.

I turned to him.

He winked.

He actually winked at me.

Taking a deep breath, I focused on Alastir. “But that is not the real world. The reality is that I’d rather marry before learning all the ways his parents will most likely object,” I told him, and that was the gods’ honest truth. Temporary or not, who in their right mind would want to subject themselves to that?

Alastir’s features softened. “You don’t know that they will.”

“Yes. I do,” I stated, aware of Casteel’s gaze and the absence of the all-too-brief amusement. I sat forward. “The only people here who have been even remotely friendly to me are the wolven and some of the men who traveled with you. None of the people of Spessa’s End have, and I know exactly how they feel about me.”

Any denials died on Alastir’s tongue.

“There is no reason for me to believe that his parents won’t share the same worries or concerns as the people do,” I continued. “I’d rather marry without actually being able to replay all of their concerns in my head during the ceremony.”

Alastir sat back, rubbing his fingers over his brow. “I can understand that. I really can, but our King and Queen—”

“Will be shocked and probably greatly annoyed that I have married someone they have never laid eyes on, not to mention someone who is only half-Atlantian and was once the Maiden,” Casteel interrupted. “But as soon as they get to know her, none of that will matter. They will come to love her as fiercely as I do.”

My heart stuttered and squeezed as I looked at Casteel, and I knew—I knew he hadn’t planned to say that last part, or at least he hadn’t meant to say it like that. His surprise was sharp and cool, and the moment his gaze met mine, I looked away.

I swallowed the ragged breath I wanted to exhale. “How is Beckett?” I asked. Vonetta had said that the young wolven was walking with barely a limp, but it was time to change the subject.

“It is like he wasn’t injured at all,” Alastir replied. “What you did for him—”

“I was only trying to ease his pain,” I said again. “I don’t even know if I’ll be able to do something like that again.”

Alastir nodded, but he didn’t seem too convinced of, well, anything. And then, he left. Alone, I turned to Casteel.

“That was fun, wasn’t it?” he asked.

I didn’t know what it was about how he’d said that, but I laughed. “Almost more than I could handle.”

He smiled, his body finally relaxing to match his posture. “I could tell.”

My gaze flickered over him, and I…I knew the anger and frustration had faded. The sadness was there, lingering beneath it all, but there was a strange sense of contentedness, too.

“Are you reading my emotions?”

“No.” I paused. “Sort of?”

“What does that mean?”

“I’m not sure what it means.” I glanced down at my hands. “Ever since I woke this morning, I can read emotions without opening myself—without having to concentrate. I focus, and if I want to know…I know.”

“And if you don’t want to know?”

I frowned. “Then I don’t. I don’t know if crowds will be different.”

“Because they sometimes overwhelm you.”

He remembered. I nodded.

“That’s…” He trailed off, and I looked over at him. “What am I feeling now?”

“I…you’re feeling curiosity. Not concern.”

His head tilted. “Why would I feel concern?”

“Aren’t you worried that I will develop more empath traits?”

“If you’re thinking that I’m worried about you becoming a Soul Eater and feeding off my emotions, you’d be wasting your energy.”

I frowned at him. “I would hope you wouldn’t think that.”

“What I do think is it’s all amazing,” he said. “You’re amazing.”

I rolled my eyes.

“Especially when you shut Alastir up. That is a talent that even I haven’t mastered.” He sat forward, stopping so that we were nearly at eye level. “My parents will likely be displeased, but they will welcome you. I’m not saying that to make you feel better. I mean it. Their anger or disappointment will not be directed at you.”

I actually believed that.

And I almost believed what he said to Alastir about his parents loving me as fiercely as he did. Heartmates.

Casteel curled his fingers around my chin, drawing my gaze back to his. “What?” His gaze searched mine. “What are you thinking? I know you are thinking about something. You always get this look on your face when you’re thinking about something you don’t want to share.”

“What kind of look do I get?”

“Your nose wrinkles.”

“What? It does not.”

“It does.”

I couldn’t tell if he was being serious or not. “I wasn’t thinking anything.”

“Lies.” His thumb swept over my bottom lip. “Tell me.”

His gaze caught and held mine, and my heart started pounding. I fell into his warm amber depths, and I could feel my mask cracking. “I was thinking…I was thinking that you can be very convincing when you speak to others about how you feel about me.”

“Is that so?”

“Yes,” I whispered.

He dragged his lower lip through his teeth as his lashes lowered. “But not convincing enough.”

I knew he spoke of Alastir, but I thought if he were any more convincing, I would start to believe him.

His lashes lifted. “There’s something I want to show you.”

Astride Setti once more, Casteel controlled the reins as he led us through the woods, riding in the kind of companionable silence I’d felt with few people before. He hadn’t gone straight, toward the town. He veered left, where the canopy of trees was quite a bit thicker and the woods were dense for as far as I could see.

“Look,” Casteel said, nodding toward our right.

Turning my head, there was no stopping the smile that lifted the corners of my lips and spread across my face. Before us was a stunning field of flowers with showy red petals and black whorls, swaying slightly in a breeze.

“Poppies.” A light laugh escaped me at the unexpected sight. “I’d never seen so many in one place.” My gaze swept over them. “It’s beautiful.”

“Yeah,” he agreed after a moment, clearing his throat as he shifted behind me. “It is.” The horse started to move along the edge of the woods and the poppies. “They’re grown here in the meadows for medicinal use.”

I arched a brow. “You don’t worry about people using them for other reasons?”

“Do the fields look empty to you?” When I nodded, he tapped my hip lightly with his fingers. “There are sentries in there, camouflaged so they’re hidden. The fields are monitored at all times so no one with the knowledge of how to cultivate the poppies can use them for ill-gotten gain.”

“Goodness,” I murmured, half expecting someone to pop up from the rows. “That’s smart. I’ve heard it’s becoming a problem in some of the cities.”

“While I was in Carsodonia, it ran rampant, and I saw it taking hold in Masadonia, too. But can you really blame those who live under such conditions, desiring an escape, no matter how temporary? Many of them who lose hours and days in opium dens are those who gave their children to the Court or to the Temples,” he said. “It may not be right, but I can understand why.”

“I can, too. I mean, they’re seeking peace, even if it doesn’t last.” Sadness crowded out the beauty of the field.

“This is only part of what I wanted to show you.” He urged Setti forward, pulling me from my thoughts. “Something I think you will appreciate.”

“I appreciated the poppies,” I admitted with a faint flush.

“I’m glad to hear that.” His chin grazed the side of my head as his arm tightened briefly around my waist, pulling me more fully against his chest.

The movement left me a little breathless. It always did, and it was something he did often. I wondered if he was aware of it as he took us deeper into the forest. Was it a purposeful gesture or one he wasn’t even aware of? The act reminded me of what I remembered seeing my father do. He always seemed to be pulling my mother close to him, as if he couldn’t bear for there to be any space between them. I didn’t think that was the reason for Casteel. Maybe it was just a method of communication for him.

Yet again, I found myself wishing that Tawny were here. I could ask her. She would know.

Sighing, I allowed myself to soak in the dappled sunlight of the forest, the chirps of nearby birds, and the scent of rich soil and…something sweet?

I sat up straighter as I caught sight of wolven-eye blue and soft purple lilac blossoms. The display was magnificent, climbing a rocky hill and spilling over in thick, spirals of color. It wasn’t until we grew closer that I realized there was an opening in the hill, a gap of blackness behind a curtain of blue and purple.

My heart began to pound as Casteel stopped the horse once more and we dismounted, leaving Setti to graze. I thought I had an idea of what Casteel was going to show me as he took my hand, leading me to the nearly hidden entry that one most likely wouldn’t find if they weren’t looking for it.

“It’s a little dark in a part of this,” he warned me, sweeping aside the heavy fall of flowers. “But it won’t last long.”

A little dark was an understatement as we entered the hill. I could see nothing in the cool air. My grip on his hand tightened. “Can you really see anything?”

“I can.”

“I don’t believe you.”

A low laugh came from in front of me. “You’re wrinkling your nose right now.”

I totally was. “All right, then.”

“Do you remember the caverns I mentioned before?” he asked. “The ones that I came to with my brother?”

The ones that he’d also come to with the girl he’d once loved. Yes, I remembered, and it was exactly what I suspected when I saw the entryway. Disbelief still seized me in the darkness. Was he really bringing me to a place he’d once shared with his brother—with Shea when he sought to escape confusing conversations that his parents were having? I almost couldn’t believe he would bring me here.

“Yes,” I answered, finding my voice. Up ahead, I could see faint light breaking through the darkness. “I thought they were in Atlantia.”

“They are. And here. But what you can’t see is that many tunnels branch off from this one. Some of them run for miles, all the way to the Skotos Mountains and then beyond them, to the bluffs by the sea,” he explained. “Malik and I spent endless hours and days trying to map them out, but we never found the tunnels that passed through the mountains.”

I could easily picture little boys spending an entire childhood racing through the tunnels. My brother would’ve been the same.

“This is a part of them,” he said as sunlight began to seep through the fissures in the ceiling of the cave. “The best part in my opinion.”

Damp, sweetly scented air reached us as Casteel turned to our left, where streams of sunlight washed over deep gray stone walls. He let go of my hand and hopped down a foot or so. “There’s a slight drop here.” Turning back to me, he placed his hands on my hips and lifted me down.

He didn’t let go when my feet were steady on the rock floor. He remained there, our chests inches apart. I looked up, and his eyes immediately locked onto mine. A shivery sense of awareness passed between us, one nearly impossible to ignore as we stood there. There were shadows in his eyes and around his mouth, and that sent my heart racing all over again.

And it didn’t slow as he backed up, his hands slipping away from my hips. A ragged exhale left me as he turned and walked forward. I felt like a bowstring pulled too taut as I got my legs moving.

The lilacs had crept their way into the cavern, rising over the walls and streaming over the ceiling. Wisps of steam danced in the slivers of sunlight as Casteel stopped in front of what appeared to be some sort of rock pool.

“Hot springs,” he said, kneeling down and running his fingers through the water. It bubbled in response, fizzing. “It’s not the only one in the cave system, but it’s the largest.”

I stopped beside him, staring at the springs. It was large, about the size of the Great Hall in Teerman Castle, the edges irregular. Outcroppings of rocks jutted from the frothy water in several places. “How deep is it?”

“It’d probably reach your shoulders through most of it.” He rose fluidly. “It does get a little deeper farther out, near the entrance to another cavern. You’ll see that area is dark, so I would stay away from that if you can’t swim.”

“I used to be able to,” I told him, bending down. Warm water fizzed around my fingers. “But I don’t know if I remember.”

“I can help you remember when we have more time,” he offered, and I tipped my head back to look at him. “We will be expected at dinner tonight, but we still have a little more time to…just be.”

We.

As if we were a unit, a lock and a key.

The night before, I had eaten in my room while Casteel left to do, well, something princely. I wasn’t even sure if he’d eaten when he returned after the sun had set, and he joined me on the terrace. We didn’t speak much then either, and it had been…comforting.

I turned back to the pool. “How much time do we have?”

“About an hour.”

An hour seemed like a lifetime.

“You shouldn’t waste a minute of it,” he said, almost as if he’d read my thoughts. “I’m going to check on the horse. I’ll be back in a couple of minutes.”

Looking over my shoulder, I watched as he disappeared into the tunnel, leaving me in privacy to undress.

He was always so…unexpected, his actions and words a constant contradiction. Considerate and then demanding. Teasing endlessly and then cold as looming death. Violent beyond all thought and then unbelievably gentle. I knew I could spend a dozen years by his side and never fully see all his facets—all the masks he wore.

Dragging in the sweetly scented air, I tore my gaze from him and quickly undressed, leaving my clothes and boots in a messy pile. The grass was cool under my feet, and the breeze warm against my skin as I walked forward. Water teased my toes, warm and frothy. I carefully eased down the earthen steps, delighted as the water quickly reach my hips, lapping around my skin as I moved farther out. Heady, pleasant warmth seeped through my skin, into muscles sore from hours of riding. The lush scent of the water soothed my nerves as it fizzed around my breasts, reaching just above them. Stopping in the middle of the pool, I tipped my head back and let out a soft sigh.

In an instant, I knew why Casteel favored this place. With just enough sunlight filtering through the cracks above to see by, the soothing, lulling sound of birds chattering, and the heady fragrance of lilacs climbing the walls, it was a mystical, private hideaway seemingly fashioned from the imagination—a place you could spend a lifetime.

Or at least I felt like I could stay here forever, enjoying all the little bubbles tickling my bare skin as the white-tipped foamy water rinsed away more than the dust from the road. It swept aside the fear of the magic in the mountains and washed away the lingering questions I had about myself, about what had happened when I touched Beckett, about my future, and about him.

I turned, stirring the gently churning water.

Casteel stood at the edge. He’d moved there quietly, so I had no idea how long he’d stood there, or what he saw. There was a hardness to the line of his jaw as he stared at me, and when he spoke, there was a roughness in his voice that hadn’t been there before. I saw hunger I’d mistaken for anger when we stood outside Vonetta’s house. “Do you find the springs to your liking?”

“I do.” I dragged my arms through the water, watching it fizz and bubble in response. “I’ve never seen anything like this.” Lifting my gaze back to him, I reached for the edge of my soaked braid. I began unknotting the plait as he tugged off one boot. “There are springs in Masadonia that Tawny and I snuck off to a time or two, but the water was cold, and we couldn’t stay in long. She would…” I sighed as a twinge of melancholy threatened my peace. “She would love this place.”

“You’re sad. I can hear it in your voice. I’m sorry that you miss her,” he expressed, removing his other boot. The socks followed. “I know how hard it is to be apart from those you care about.”

“You do.” And he did, far more than I did. Hair unbound, I let it lay over my shoulder. “But she is safe for now.”

“For now,” he agreed, reaching behind his head. He gripped the collar of his tunic and pulled it over his head and then down his arms, revealing the broad width of his shoulders first and then the delineated lines of his chest and the trim hardness of his stomach.

A different kind of nervousness than before rose within me and then abated as he tossed the cloth aside. He was undressing, and I should look away. I should feel embarrassed by his soon-to-be blatant nudity. But I didn’t avert my gaze as his hands dropped to the line of buttons on his breeches. Heat crept into my cheeks as he slid them down his hips. The way his body was angled gave only a tantalizing glimpse of sleek muscles. His pants landed with his tunic, and then he looked to where I waited.

Our gazes met and held, and I didn’t know what got into me, if it was the warm, bubbling water, the serene beauty of the lake and the dreamlike surrealism of being in Atlantia, or maybe it was the hunger he’d spoken of earlier. Whatever it was, I lowered my eyes and let myself look. My gaze drifted over his chest again, then down the coiled muscles of his stomach and over pale nicks and grooves. I got a little hung up on the indentations on either side of his hips and then my breath quickened.

He wanted me, shamelessly so. I didn’t understand how or why. He cared for me, but I was only partly beautiful. I was no seductress, and ill-experienced to boot, and he had only been drawn to me in the beginning because he needed me to free his brother. But he desired me. Even I knew that.

I forced my gaze lower, to the Royal Crest branded onto his skin, just below his hip. His hand drifted over the brand, halting as if he sought to hide it for a moment, and then rose over the numerous slices across his stomach. My gaze followed.

Anger rushed me. That kind of premeditated cruelty was disturbing. “I…” I started to apologize for what had been done to him, but I caught myself. My eyes met his once more. “I wish they could feel the same pain they inflicted upon you.”

A slight flicker of surprise lit his features. “Even your Queen, who cared for you so tenderly?”

My heart turned over heavily. “I don’t think I will ever be able to reconcile the Queen you knew and the one who cared for me. But, yes. Even her.”

His head cocked. “You mean that.”

I nodded, because I did.

A half-grin appeared. “So incredibly violent.”

This time, I didn’t even bother to correct him. “Perhaps a little.”

His deep, rich laugh echoed throughout the cavern, daring me to forget what had come to pass and what lay in wait, challenging me to take what I wanted.

I sank under the water, eyes closed. Bubbling, swishing liquid danced over my face and through my hair. What did I want? Him. I wanted his hands on me, washing away all the reasons why I shouldn’t. I wanted to feel his skin against mine, crowding out the world around us. I wanted the touch of his lips, chasing away any logical protests before they could form. I wanted his mouth on mine, kissing away the lies his lips once spoke. I wanted his hands on me, soothing away the sting of guilt and the feeling that I was betraying myself. I wanted to feel him inside me so I couldn’t feel anything but him. I wanted to be so completely devoured by him that there was no room for the fear that he would become a scar upon my sure-to-be-broken heart. Because…because what if Kieran was wrong? What if after Casteel accomplished what he wanted, when he fulfilled his end of the bargain, all that remained was lies and betrayals?

I wanted to believe we were heartmates in spite of everything that made that seem impossible.

I stayed underwater, desperately searching for strength and common sense. I stayed until my lungs burned. When I broke the surface, there was still nothing but want and need for him. Hands trembling, I scooped the hair back from my face as I blinked away the dampness clinging to my lashes and lost my breath, lost a little bit more of myself.

Casteel had entered the pool.

He stood several feet away, having already gone under the water himself. His midnight hair was slicked back from his face, and water sluiced down his chest. So much taller than me, the frothing water only reached just above his navel. He looked very much like I imagined a god would, the fractured rays of sunlight glistening off his damp skin.

His intense gaze snagged mine, and that sense of awareness from before returned, passing between us. It was like a strike of lightning, thickening the already balmy air.

“I’ve been thinking,” he said, gliding through the water toward me.

“You have?” My pulse pounded everywhere.

He nodded. “I have.”

I had to crane my neck back as he stopped only a handful of inches in front of me. “Do I want to know what you’ve been thinking about?”

“You’ll probably say no.” He drifted forward, his movements graceful and purposeful, and I moved backward. “But that will be a lie.”

“How would you know?”

“I know a lie when I see one,” he replied, crowding me back against the smooth rock wall. “More importantly, I know when you lie.”

There was a catch in my breath as he placed his hands on the rock like he’d done earlier. Could he sense my desire? Even in all this water and under the potent scent of lilac? I pressed against the warm rock, thinking that it was impossible for my heart to beat any faster. “What are you thinking about?”

“My idea.” His breath coasted over my cheek. “You might be interested in it.”

“Doubtful,” I murmured.

“You haven’t even heard what it is yet, Princess.” Those lips grazed the curve of my jaw, and the edges of his damp hair touched my cheek, causing me to gasp. “Yeah, I definitely know you’ll be interested.”

Edginess swamped me as my head tipped back against the rock without conscious thought. “Why don’t you tell me what it is, and I will let you know if I’m interested?”

His chuckle was rough as one of his hands left the rock. My stomach hollowed as his fingers met the bare skin of my waist. “Only if you promise not to lie.”

“If you can tell when I’m lying—” A shaky breath left me as he shifted closer, his chest brushing mine with each breath he took. The contact sent a wave of shivers through me, tightening the tips of my breasts to almost painful points.

“What were you saying, Princess?” he asked, and I felt him smile against my cheek.

What was I saying? It took a moment for me to remember. “If you know I’m lying, why would it matter if I told the truth?”

“Because you know that the truth is important.” The hand left my waist, trailing down my hip, stirring the water. Bubbles danced over my legs, between them. A wicked feeling curled low in my core. “The truth is permission.”

My unfocused gaze crept over the cones of blue and purple blossoms. “Is it?”

“It is.” He paused. “Did you know that the bite, until it’s fully healed, becomes an erogenous zone? A point of pleasure? It can give you the same feelings as the bite. Almost. Did you know?”

I thought I did. “No.”

“Want me to show you?” he offered. “I know you’re a curious sort.”

“Yes,” I whispered, dizzy with anticipation.

“Remember, Princess. This is just to assuage your curiosity. Nothing more.”

“I know.” My fingers curled against the rock.

“Good.” Then his mouth closed over the bite. He sucked on the skin, drawing it between his teeth. My back arched, dragging the hard peaks of my breasts against his chest. I shuddered, becoming liquid.

Good gods…

“Did I ever tell you what you taste like?” His tongue lapped over the sensitive mark.

“Honeydew?” I whispered, eyes drifting shut as I turned my head toward his, seeking what I knew I shouldn’t want.

“You dirty girl. I’m not talking about that.” He nipped at my jaw, drawing another gasp from me. “I’m talking about your blood, but now you’ve dragged my mind into unseemly places.”

“Your mind always resides in unseemly places.”

He laughed deeply. “I can’t deny that.” His nose brushed mine as his mouth drew closer to my lips. “Your blood tastes old to me, powerful but light. Like moonlight. Now I know why.”

“How does anything taste like moonlight?”

“Magic, I imagine. Now stop distracting me when I’m trying to tell you about my idea.”

“I’m not—” I bit down on my lip as his hand slipped down my thigh. “I’m not being distracting.”

“Oh, yes. You’re always so damn distracting,” he chided gently.

“Sounds like that’s your problem.”

“It is both our problems.”

“What are you asking permission for?” I sounded breathless, as if I were standing on an edge. “What is this idea?”

“If you want,” he said, his chest rising and falling against mine, sending darts of forbidden pleasure through me. “We can pretend again.” His hand slid along my thigh, higher and higher—

The tips of his fingers reached evidence of what I knew he’d already sensed. My hips jerked at the illicit thrill as a breathy moan parted my lips.

He dragged his mouth over mine. It wasn’t a kiss, just a passing glance of his mouth against mine. “You can pretend.” Cool air seeped in as he lifted his head. “You can pretend that this isn’t because you don’t have a of need me.”

My heart felt like a trapped butterfly as I opened my eyes. His were blazing, a heated honey. “I don’t.”

The curve of his lips was cruelly sensual. “You can pretend that this—” He eased a finger inside me, just the tip, but I rose up on my toes. His eyes turned luminous as his gaze drifted over my face and then lower to where my breasts had risen up above the churning water. He lifted his gaze to mine as he pressed his finger in further, and I could feel my inner muscles clenching around him. “That this has nothing to do with you wanting me.”

“I don’t,” I told him, even as I lifted my hips off the rock, pressing against his hand, against him.

Casteel hissed as my stomach brushed the hot, hard length of him. He pushed me back to the rock, trapping his hand between us as his chest flattened against mine. The skin-to-skin contact, the way he slowly pumped his finger, shorted out my senses. “You can pretend that it’s just the sensitive bite on your neck causing you to squirm against my hand.”

I was squirming as best I could.

“You can pretend that’s the reason you wish it was my cock you were grabbing onto so tightly.” His head dipped to mine once more. “We can both pretend, and we both can…”

“Can what?” I breathed. “Just be Hawke and Poppy?”

For a moment, the hardness etched onto his features slipped and then cracked, revealing the near-desperate need underneath. A need for me. For us.

What if Kieran was right?

I could barely breathe, let alone think, but I knew what he meant. Gods, did I ever. And in this moment, we wanted the same. Perhaps we needed the same—to just feel and let everything else fall to the wayside. To just be here, in these seconds and minutes and no place else. Could we do that? Maybe he could. Perhaps this was all about slaking a physical need for him, even as inexplicable as that was. Why couldn’t I? I wanted what he could give me. Pleasure. Momentary escape. Experience. A sense of freedom. Because that’s what release felt like. How was that a betrayal to anyone, including myself? Wasn’t denying it more treacherous? Or was I lying to myself even now? And if so, did that even matter?

His touched stilled as he searched my face for an answer. And in that moment, I realized that this was my life. What existed between Casteel and I was neither right nor wrong. It was messy and complicated, and maybe I’d regret this later as I gave him more and more pieces of me, but I wanted him.

And I was so done denying myself anything.

I was done lying to him and to myself.

“Only on one condition,” I said.

“You have a condition now?”

I nodded, my heart thundering. “I don’t want to pretend,” I whispered. “I’m Poppy and you’re Casteel, and this is real.”

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