Chapter 25

Chapter 25

The realization had a far more chilling effect than it should, and it was all Kieran’s stupid heartmates conversation’s fault.

And come to think of it, why in the hell hadn’t Kieran brought this up?

Then I thought of having this conversation with Kieran, and I wanted to take a wire brush to my brain. As handsome as I believed Kieran to be, I just…I couldn’t even begin to imagine doing something like that with him.

With him and Casteel.

I looked around for a glass of water, but there was none.

“You don’t need to worry about this. I don’t think he’d expect something like that. Casteel is not about the old traditions,” Alastir said.

“But would the wolven expect that?” I asked, and then the worst thing ever spewed from my mouth. “Would Shea have done it?”

Alastir’s eyes widened.

I immediately wished I hadn’t said anything. “I’m sorry. I imagine as a wolven, she wouldn’t have been expected to. And I shouldn’t have brought her up—”

“No. No, it’s okay.” Alastir stretched forward, placing his hand on mine. “Don’t apologize. I’m actually glad you’re willing to speak of her.” He smiled again, squeezing my hand before leaning back. “Although she was a wolven, it is a tradition that some would’ve expected to be honored, and Kieran’s oath would have also extended to her. She was…” He pressed his lips together, and a long moment passed. “Shea never backed down from anything, no matter if others found it distasteful or crude. She would’ve done anything for Casteel.”

And would Casteel have gone through with it?

Gods, I didn’t even want to think about that.

I swallowed as I sank into the chair. My head started racing again.

“I’ve taken up enough of your time.” Alastir once again began to rise.

“Wait,” I nearly yelled as something occurred to me. “If the Joining can extend a mortal’s life, then why didn’t King Malec do that with Isbeth—his mistress? Instead of making her a vampry? Or wasn’t he bonded?”

Alastir stared at me as if I’d suggested whole-heartedly embracing the Ascended’s way of life. “King Malec had a bonded wolven. Actually, he had more than one since he often outlived them. But it wouldn’t have worked on a mortal. The partner has to carry Atlantian blood in them, and even if that woman had Atlantian blood in her, it would’ve been a grave insult to the Queen. One that went beyond carrying on affairs. Any wolven of worth would’ve refused. That much, I know.” His gaze met mine and held. “How old do you think I am?”

His question threw me. “I…I don’t know. Far older than you look, I imagine.”

“I’ve seen eight hundred years.”

Good gods.

“And the reason I know his bonded wolven would’ve refused if asked?” Alastir stated. “It’s because I was his last, and it was I who alerted the Queen to what Malec had done, shattering an unbreakable oath.”

Sometime after Alastir left, the tub was filled with warm water, courtesy of Casteel, according to the two mortals—a younger man and woman with curious eyes. They didn’t ask questions or linger longer than necessary and let me know that if I put my clothing and the nightgown in the wicker basket they’d placed outside the door, my clothes would be laundered. While I’d hoped to see Casteel, I appreciated the gesture, and I was also relieved that he hadn’t returned.

I needed time to process…everything.

So, I made use of the bath, washing my hair, and then I slipped on the robe, tightening it around my waist. The sun was now high, but there was a chill in the room that wasn’t present outside. I sat in front of the fire, slowly working the tangles free from my hair as my mind wandered from one utterly shocking topic to another.

Alastir had been Malec’s bonded wolven? And the Joining? My gods, would the people of Atlantia actually expect that of me—from the three of us? The heat of embarrassment almost drove me away from the fire. It wasn’t that I was disgusted or repulsed. What people decided to do and with whom or how many was their business. And the way Miss Willa had written about sharing herself with more than one partner was never discussed in a way that made me uncomfortable.

Well, that wasn’t exactly true.

Mostly, I didn’t understand how all of it worked. Not the physical aspect. She’d gone into quite a lot of detail regarding that. But more so, it all sounded so very complicated. I just couldn’t even wrap my head around something like that when everything with Casteel was already so damn convoluted.

And why was I even concerning myself with this? Obviously, this was not something Casteel planned. But had he planned to do it with Shea?

“Stop it,” I hissed, forcing my thoughts elsewhere. Unsurprisingly, they came right back to him.

What was a serious Casteel even like? Was that another mask he wore? I’d seen glimpses of that version of him whenever he asserted his authority, but he was so quick to tease and make light with me.

He’s just more alive when he’s with you.

Placing the brush on the floor, I closed my eyes and thought of Shea. Had he been that way with her? I doubted he’d donned any masks with her. Most likely, he had been an entirely different person then.

What’d happened to her? All I knew was that the Ascended were involved in her fate. How did she die? How long were she and Casteel together? Did she love him, too?

Of course, she did.

Even with little to no experience, I knew better than to travel down that road. I’d seen how Casteel reacted before, and while I might not have ever been in a relationship or loved, I knew people either wouldn’t or couldn’t talk about certain things. Things that could only be shared with those you loved, those you truly trusted.

I think you’re heartmates.

There was a snag in my chest as I bit down on my lower lip. After learning about the Joining, I knew Kieran was totally off-base on the whole heartmates thing, but I still wanted to travel that road with Casteel. I wanted to know about who he used to be before he lost Shea, lost his brother. And I wanted to know all of that because I…I cared about him. Because I’d never stopped falling.

Gods.

I was in so much trouble.

And there was a high likelihood that Alastir had realized what I had when we spoke. That Casteel hadn’t trusted me with the knowledge of Spessa’s End. Worse yet, there was no way he believed our engagement was real.

Sitting with my head tipped back and eyes closed was how Casteel found me when he walked into the room. Impossibly, all thoughts I’d been wrapped up in vanished, replaced by what I made up my mind to do.

“What are you doing?” he asked, and I heard the door close behind him.

“Brushing my hair.” Straightening, I opened my eyes, but I didn’t turn around.

“Wouldn’t you need the brush in your hand to do that?” He sounded closer.

“Yes.” A hundred silver hawks fluttered in my chest.

A moment later, he was sitting beside me, one knee bent and the other curled, resting against mine. Slowly, I looked over at him. The moment our gazes connected, the air whooshed out of my lungs. I didn’t know if it had to do with what Kieran had told me or everything else.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m sorry about this morning—about losing control like that. It will never happen again.”

My skin pimpled. His apology was unexpected, but I wasn’t sure if I wanted it. What happened seemed mostly out of his control, and his apology…it made me respect him. I nodded.

“I planned on talking to you earlier than this. I came back after…well, I came back, and you were gone.”

“I was with Kieran,” I told him. “We went down to the Bay and then had breakfast.”

A faint smile appeared. “I heard.”

My brows lifted. “You did?”

He nodded. “The people here told me.”

I didn’t point out how the people here hadn’t spoken to me during our brief encounter but felt the need to report to him that they had seen me.

“I came back to see if you had returned as soon as I could.”

“It’s okay.” I swallowed. “Thank you for the bath.”

“I should be the one thanking you.”

“For what?”

“For knowing how to reach me this morning,” he said, and heat raced across my face.

I toyed with the end of the sash as I glanced at him. Words rose and died on the tip of my tongue. He stared at the flames, the lines of his face nowhere near relaxed. Something occurred to me then, in my desperation to not think about this morning. “Whenever you introduce me to people, why are you so insistent that no one refers to me as the Maiden?”

“That’s an incredibly random question.”

It was. “I’m beginning to realize I’m an incredibly random person.”

The half-smile returned. “I like it. Forces me to stay on my toes when I’m around you. But to answer your question, the less people think of you as the Maiden, the more they will think of you as the half-Atlantian who’s captured my heart.” There was an odd hollowness to his words, and when he looked at me, I noticed faint blue shadows under his eyes. “And the less likely they will be to want to harm you.”

I nodded as I opened my senses to him. The connection was shockingly fast, and within a heartbeat, his hunger hit me—his hunger and his sadness, the latter more bitter than normal, and heavy—so damn heavy. He hadn’t felt that way earlier. Was it because of what’d happened this morning or something else?

“It’s also not who you are anymore,” he added, and I pulled back my gift, realizing that closing it down had been easier since Casteel had given me his blood the second time. “It’s not who you ever were.”

“No, it’s not.”

“Did you ever accept it?” He planted a hand on the floor beside me and leaned over an inch or two. “Was there ever a point where you wanted to be what they made you?”

I had never been asked that before, and it took me some time to figure out how to answer. “There were times when I wanted to make the Queen happy—to make the Teermans pleased with me. So, I tried to be good—to be what was expected of me, but it was like…wearing a mask. I tried but the mask cracked quickly enough.”

“Forcing a warrior to don a veil of submission was never going to last.”

Feeling my cheeks warm, I looked away. “I don’t know about the warrior part—”

“I do,” he insisted. “From the moment you stayed instead of walking out of that room at the Red Pearl, I knew you had a warrior’s strength and bravery. It’s why you went to Rylan’s funeral. It’s what drove you out to the Rise when the Craven attacked and fought back—fought me. It’s why you didn’t bow under Alastir’s remarks when you first met him but rather challenged his beliefs. Hell, it’s what drove you to learn how to fight in the first place.” A dimple appeared in his right cheek. “It’s your bloodline—it’s you.”

The warmth in my chest had little to do with the fire. “I’m still a little annoyed that I’m not of the changeling line and I can’t shift forms.”

Casteel laughed, and the sound was as real and sunny as my chest felt. And when his gaze snagged on mine, I finally found the courage of the warrior he claimed I was.

And started with perhaps the most embarrassing thing ever. “I spoke with Alastir earlier.”

“He mentioned that he was going to visit with you.”

“He did, and he…he told me about the Joining.”

Casteel’s head swung toward mine so fast, I was surprised he didn’t crack his neck. “He did what?”

“Do I really need to repeat that?”

“What did he tell you?”

“He told me what it is.” I focused on my brush. “That it’s a blood exchange that often turns into something, um, more intimate.”

“Good gods, he did not.”

“He did.”

“I…” Casteel suddenly broke out into deep, thunderous laughter. The kind that was so loud and hard, it sounded like it hurt.

My wide gaze shot to him.

“I’m sorry,” he gasped. “It’s just that I would’ve paid good money to see him try to explain that to you.”

I narrowed my eyes. “Would you have?”

“Hell, yes, I would’ve. Oh, gods.” Dragging a hand through his hair, he looked over at me. “Let me guess? He said it was crude and disgusting?”

“Yeah. Pretty much.”

“Gods, what an old alarmist.” He laughed again, shoulders shaking. “I wish I could’ve seen your face.”

“Well, since I learned about it from him, I wished I could’ve punched you in your face.”

“I bet you did.”

“I don’t know what is so funny. He said people might expect it from us—especially because I’m not full-blooded Atlantian!”

“First off,” he said, struggling for breath, “I don’t think anyone is going to expect that.”

From you seemed to hang unsaid between us.

“And while it is an intimate ritual, one that isn’t often done anymore, it is not always sexual. For some, I’m sure it becomes that naturally. And hey, to each their own. They’re consenting adults, and you do you, you know? I’m not going to judge.”

“I’m not judging either.”

He cocked an eyebrow. “You’re not?”

“I’m not,” I insisted.

“So, you’re interested then?” he murmured.

“That is not where I was going with that.”

“Uh-huh.”

I ignored the way he said that. “Is it true that a mortal with Atlantian blood would be given a longer lifespan?”

Casteel nodded.

“Has that been done before?”

“I haven’t known any bonded elementals who have taken a mortal with Atlantian blood,” he answered. “As far as I know, there hasn’t been. And it’s a lot to ask of a wolven. That kind of blood bond goes both ways. If the wolven dies, so does the other, and if the mortal with Atlantian blood dies, the wolven would also.”

“Oh.” I blinked slowly. “Alastir didn’t mention that.”

“Wait.” He swung his head toward mine. “Do you even know what could happen during that ritual that would make it so very crude—”

“I know what could happen,” I snapped.

“Is it because of that diary?”

“Shut up.”

“Did you bookmark the chapters detailing how Willa spent afternoons entertaining not one but two suitors, one in front and the other—?”

“You seem to know a lot about that book.”

“I love that fucking book,” he said, and my jaw ached from how hard I was clenching it. “So, you’re interested then, Princess. What a wild side you have.”

“That is not what I said!” My cheeks flushed.

“I know.” He chuckled. “I’m sorry. I’m being an ass.”

“At least you recognize it.”

“I just…I was not expecting this. But you do have a very…adventurous personality.”

“I hate you,” I growled.

“Not that adventurous, huh?” Casteel laughed again. “Look, I know you’re not looking for this marriage to go beyond the necessary,” he said, and that strange, stupid ache in my chest pulsed. “So, it’s not even something you need to worry about. But the Joining is meant to strengthen the bond that’s already there, and ensure that the partner is also a part of that bond. It’s not done lightly, and again, it is not always a sexual thing. I know it’s been done where everyone kept their body parts to themselves.”

My brows lifted. “Then why did Alastir make it sound like it was a…”

“A dirty thing?” He grinned. “Because he’s old and overdramatic and thinks he’s being helpful.”

“Why—?” I cut myself off before I could ask why he’d never brought it up. I already knew why. Just like I knew why he hadn’t told me about Spessa’s End.

“What?”

I shook my head, changing the subject. “Alastir said he was Malec’s bonded wolven.”

“That he was. Did he tell you he told my mother that Malec had Ascended Isbeth?” When I nodded, Casteel let his head fall back. “Alastir broke his oath, severing his bond. That has…well, that has rarely happened. Alastir can sometimes say too much, but he’s a good man.”

I nodded slowly, watching him as he closed his eyes. “Your mother didn’t leave him then?”

“No.”

“Did she stay with him because she loved him?”

“You know, I really don’t know. She doesn’t talk about him, but you have to wonder given she named her first son a name so similar,” he said. I wondered how their father felt about that. “When my mother confronted Malec, she did so privately, but what he’d done still got out. And others followed suit. In a way, it all happened so quickly.”

“And here we are,” I murmured.

“Here we are,” he confirmed.

Drawing in a deep breath, I said what needed to be said. “I know you need to feed. I know you’re close to the edge, and you haven’t fed from anyone else.”

“Someone has been talking,” he replied flatly. “And I doubt it was Alastir.”

“Someone needed to. What happens if you don’t feed, other than the black eyes? If you do tip over the edge?” I asked. “You never really explained beyond it being a very bad thing.”

He looked away, dragging his lip between his teeth. “It’s like being…dead inside, worse than an Ascended. We fall into bloodlust, but it’s a violent madness, like that of a Craven. But we don’t decay or rot.” He shook his head. “Once we tip over the edge, we grow stronger with each feeding, but it’s like a disease of the mind because we become nothing more than rabid animals. Very few come back from that.”

I remembered what he said the Ascended did to him—withheld blood until he was ravenous. “Did the Ascended withhold blood from you often?”

“There’d be years when they kept me well fed.” The twist of his lips was a mockery of a smile. “Then they’d give me enough so I didn’t die, and sometimes, that wasn’t enough.”

Years.

Sorrow gripped my heart—for him, for his brother, and any other who was going through that. But mostly for Casteel because he knew exactly what his brother was facing. “But you came back.”

“There were times when I didn’t think I would, Poppy.” He stared into the flames, his voice barely audible. “When I forgot how much time had passed. When I forgot who I was and what mattered to me. It was like parts of my brain had turned dark.” He dragged a hand through his hair and then dropped it to his knee. “But I came back. Not the same. Never the same. But I found parts of who I used to be.”

I swallowed against the knot in my throat. “I’m—”

“Don’t say you’re sorry.” He cut me a sharp look that would’ve stung my feelings before, but I understood it—understood him. Sympathy wasn’t always wanted. “You did nothing you should apologize for.”

“You’re right. I was going to say I’m glad you found yourself.”

A harsh laugh burst from him. “Truly, Poppy? Are you really?”

“Yeah, I guess I am.” I lifted a shoulder in a shrug. “You may have come back as an asshole, but that’s better than being lost in your own mind. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.”

The laugh that left him was softer, and it tugged at my lips. “True.” He dragged a hand down his face. “Anyway, I know what it’s like to be close to the edge. I’ve been past it. I’m fine.”

“But you’re not, Casteel.”

His eyes widened slightly as he looked at me.

“What?”

“It’s just that you hardly say my name.”

“Should I call you Your Highness?”

“Gods,” he choked out. “No.”

I did grin a little at that, and he saw it and stared as if I’d just pulled off an amazing feat. I had no idea why a grin from me would do that.

I refocused on the task at hand. “I felt it. I felt your hunger this morning,” I told him. “I know you’re starving, and I know how that feels, at least to some extent. The Duke would forbid me food sometimes when he was angry. You need to feed.”

“First off, knowing that the Duke did that, I want to kill him all over again. But secondly, blood wasn’t the only thing I was starved for this morning.” His eyes were heated honey. “And I think you know that.”

My pulse skittered, and my voice sounded raspier than normal when I said, “If you won’t do that—if you can’t—then you need to take my blood.”

Casteel jerked back as if I’d smacked him. He rose to his feet in the next instant. “Poppy—”

“You can’t continue on this way.” I stood, not nearly as gracefully as he had. “What if you get injured again?”

“I’ll be fine.” He took a step back from me. “I told you. I won’t lose control again.”

“I don’t think you have a choice in that, do you? It’s just a part of who you are. You need Atlantian blood. You haven’t fed from anyone else, so maybe you’ll do it from me. It’s not like you haven’t bitten me before.”

The angles of his face stood out in stark relief. “I haven’t forgotten that.”

“Then this shouldn’t be a big deal. You need blood. I have the blood. Let’s get it over with.”

He laughed, but it was without humor. “Get it over with? As if this will just be another business arrangement?”

I lifted my chin. “If that’s what it needs to be, then it will.”

“So, you’re okay with being that? Being the source of my strength, considering everything that I’ve done to you? Adding this to a long list of things you don’t want to do but feel you need to?”

“Well, when you put it that way…” I threw up my hands in frustration. “Maybe I’d rather be the source of your sanity so I don’t have to worry about you tearing into my neck between now and whenever this is over.”

His chest rose with a deep, shuddering breath as his shoulders bunched with tension.

“Can you really say that it won’t happen again? Look me straight in the face and tell me you truly believe that you’ll be able to stop next time,” I demanded. When his nostrils flared and he said nothing, I knew the truth. And I knew I had to admit another truth, one that I wouldn’t be able to take back. “I felt your hunger, Casteel, and I don’t need to do this. I stopped doing things I didn’t want to do the moment I took off the damn veil. I want to help you. Because as stupid as this may make me, and only the gods know why, I care about you! So, yeah, I don’t want to have my throat ripped open, and I also don’t want to know that you’re suffering for no reason.”

Trembling and stomach twisting, I felt like I’d just stripped myself bare. “There’s probably something wrong with me—actually, there’s definitely something wrong with me. Obviously. But if you—” I forced the words out before they choked me. “If you care about me at all, you won’t want to put me at risk. You’ll take what I’m offering with a thank you and stop acting like an idiot!”

Casteel stared at me, his brows raised, and then, after what felt like an eternity, his shoulders lowered. “I’m so incredibly unworthy of you,” he whispered, and I shivered, remembering the only other time he’d said that to me. It was the night I’d shared my body, my heart, and my soul with him. He lifted his head and seemed to take another breath. “Okay.”

I exhaled slowly. “Okay.”

“On one condition,” he said. “I won’t do this alone. Not after…not after not feeding for so long. I won’t risk that. I…I could take too much. Do you agree?”

At first, the idea of someone else being present made me uncomfortable, but then I remembered how his bite had felt before. Maybe having someone present would curtail that.

So, I nodded. “I agree.”

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