BetterthanBob 10 страница

“I’m sorry. ”

“That’s okay. ”

“Maybe if I watched a lot of SpongeBob on the way home it would seem more exciting. ”

Tucker didn’t know whether he’d been listening to an elaborate ruse intended to obtain parental indulgence or a simply expressed but complicated idea about the relationship between time and narrative. Jackson had put his finger on something, though. Not enough had happened, somehow. In the space of a few days, he’d had a heart attack, spoken to all of his children and two of his ex-wives, gone to a new town and slept with a new woman, spent some time with a man who had made him think differently about his work, and none of it had changed a thing. He had neither learned nor grown.

He must have missed something. In the old days, he maybe could have squeezed a few songs out of this trip: there had to be a good lyric about a far-death experience, say. And Annie… he could have turned her into a pretty and redemptive girl from the north country who had helped him to feel, and heal. Maybe steal, and kneel, if he pushed it. She’d certainly cooked him a meal. And maybe without her he’d congeal. But if he couldn’t write, what was he left with?

The truth about autobiographical songs, he realized, was that you had to make the present become the past, somehow: you had to take a feeling or a friend or a woman and turn whatever it was into something that was over, so that you could be definitive about it. You had to put it in a glass case and look at it and think about it until it gave up its meaning, and he’d managed to do that with just about everybody he’d ever met or married or fathered. The truth about life was that nothing ever ended until you died, and even then you just left a whole bunch of unresolved narratives behind you. He’d somehow managed to retain the mental habits of a songwriter long after he’d stopped writing songs, and perhaps it was time to give them up.

* * *

“Well, ” said Malcolm, and then there was nothing, and it was all Annie could do not to laugh. She had spoken quickly and unhaltingly and without swearing (she had remembered to refer to Fake Tucker, rather than its contraction) for fifteen minutes, and however much silence he was going to inflict on them now, she wasn’t going to break it. It was his turn.

“And can you still buy his CDs? ”

“I just explained, Malcolm. This last one has only been out for a few weeks. That’s how we met, sort of. ”

“Oh. Yes. Sorry. Should I buy it? ”

“No. I just explained that, too, Malcolm. It’s not his best one. Anyway, I’m not sure that you listening to Tucker’s music would help us much. ”

“We’ll see. You’d be surprised. ”

“This sort of situation has come up before, has it? ”

Malcolm looked hurt, and Annie felt sorry for him. She didn’t need to be unkind. She was feeling rather fond of him, actually; her fifteen-minute splurge had justified her entire painful relationship with him. For months she’d been coming in here and telling him about Duncan’s failure to buy milk when he’d been explicitly asked to do so, and they’d poked about in the ashes of her inner life in an effort to find some tiny spark of feeling. This morning she’d told him about recluses and heart attacks and failed marriages and one-night stands and duplicitous attempts to get pregnant, and she thought he might explode with the effort of trying to act as if he’d been expecting a story like this all along.

“Can I ask a couple of other questions? Just to make sure I’ve got things straight? ”

“Of course. ”

“What did this man think you were doing in the bathroom? ”

“Inserting a contraceptive device. ”

Malcolm made a note of some kind—from Annie’s position, it looked like inserting cont. device —and underlined it emphatically.

“I see. And… When did his last relationship end? ”

“A few weeks ago. ”

“And this woman is the mother of his youngest child? ”

“Yes. ”

“What’s her name, actually? ”

“Do you really need to know that? ”

“Saying her name makes you feel uncomfortable, perhaps? ”

“Not really. Cat. ”

“Is that short for something? ”

“Malcolm! ”

“I’m sorry. You’re right. There was quite a lot in there. I’m struggling to know where to start. Where do you want to start? How are you feeling? ”

“Bereft mostly. A bit exhilarated. How are you feeling? ” She knew she wasn’t supposed to ask that, but she was aware that Malcolm had been through a lot in the previous twenty minutes.

“Concerned. ”

“Really? ”

“It’s not my position to judge. As you know. Actually, scrap that last remark. Strike it from the record. And the concerned bit. ”

“Why? ”

“Because I want to ask you a question and I don’t want you to think it’s judgmental. ”

“I have wiped my memory clean. ”

“I’m just concerned about the part you might have played in ending this man’s relationship. And also you bringing a child into the world with no father. ”

“I thought we’d scrapped ‘concerned. ’ ”

“Oh. Yes. Anyway. How do you feel about that? ”

“Malcolm, this is hopeless. ”

“What have I said now? ”

“I’m really not worried about the morality of it all. ”

“I can see that. ”

“So can’t we talk about what I am worried about? ”

“If we must. What are you worried about? ”

“I want to throw everything in and move to America. Tomorrow. Sell the house and go. ”

“Has he asked you? ”

“No. ”

“Well, then. I think we’re better off talking about how to make the best of a bad job here. ”

“ ‘The best of a bad job’? ”

“I know you think I’m a square, or whatever you call it. But I don’t see how we can call it a, a good job. You’re unhappy, and you might be an unwed mother, and… Anyway. Now you’re thinking about Cloud Cuckoo Land. ”

“Which is where, exactly? ”

“America. I mean, it’s not Cloud Cuckoo Land for Americans. But it is for you. ”

“Why? ”

“Because you live here. ”

“And that’s it. So there isn’t really any possibility of change, then, is there? ”

“’Course there is. That’s why you’re here. ”

“But not much. ”

“Not with the way house prices have gone recently, anyway. I don’t know what you paid for yours, but you won’t get it back in the current climate. Even rentals aren’t very good. I’ve got a friend who’s been trying to rent her house for next summer. Never had any trouble before, until now. ”

Annie had always heard the town speaking through Malcolm, ever since her first session, but now she heard the voice of the country she had grown up in: she heard teachers and parents and teaching colleagues and friends. This was how England spoke, and she couldn’t listen to her anymore.

She stood up, walked over to Malcolm, kissed him on the top of his head.

“Thank you, ” she said. “I’m all better now. ” And she left.

Topic: So Where Was I?

Duncan

Member

Posts: 1019 Gentlemen, so. I have it. I’ve had it for a couple of days, in fact, but after the debacle of Naked (mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa), I have allowed it to stew for a couple of days before committing myself. But there’s no putting it off. To quote another critic, writing in another time and another place, but about a similar artistic disaster: “What is this shit? ” We have a song about the pleasures of reading in the afternoon sunshine. We have a song about homegrown green beans. We have a cover of the Don Williams “classic” “You’re My Best Friend. ” We have a major tragedy.

Re: So Where Was I?

BetterthanBob

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