BetterthanBob 1 страница

So I thought well I have to try and I went up to him and I said Tucker I am a big fan and I am so happy to see you singing again. Dumb I know but you try and think of something better. And then I said Will you be singing your own songs onstage anytime soon and he said YES and also he had a new album coming out. And I said yes I know Naked and he said no not that piece of shit.

Duncan smiled to himself. The self-deprecation proved—perhaps, in a strange way, with even more certainty than the photograph—that this was indeed Tucker. It was an old pattern, exemplified in countless interviews from the old days. Tucker knew that Naked wasn’t a piece of shit, but it was entirely typical of him to describe it as such on its release, to an overeager fan. Duncan decided he wouldn’t pass this part of the story on to Annie, though. She’d misunderstand, come to the conclusion that Tucker was validating her opinion of the album, when in fact he was doing the opposite.

I have a new album coming out an album of covers of Dean Martin songs but done kind of roots rock and I kind of went WOW and he smiled and then went to sit with his friend and I thought I can’t bug him again. So I know the Dean Martin bit sounds weird but that’s what he said. I cannot tell you how amazing it all was I am still shaking.

It seemed wrong that he couldn’t share any of this with Annie. Gina would be excited when he told her in the morning; but then sometimes he wondered whether her excitement was entirely genuine. Occasionally it felt to him as though it were a little theatrical, although maybe he wouldn’t have arrived at that word were it not for her background. But then, she was a performer, and she performed, even when there didn’t seem to be very much motivation for her character. She couldn’t possibly understand what Tucker’s reemergence meant—she hadn’t put the time in—but she would jump up and down and shout “Oh my God” anyway. Perhaps it would be better if he didn’t tell her, and then he wouldn’t end up disliking her for her phoniness. Annie, however, had lived through the entirety of Tucker’s disappearance, and she would grasp the emotional impact of the news immediately. Did his relationship with Gina prevent him from sharing things like this with Annie? He thought not. He looked at his watch. She wouldn’t be in bed yet, unless her habits had changed profoundly since his departure.

“Annie? ”

“Duncan? What’s the matter? I was in bed. ”

“Oh. I’m sorry. ”

He hoped she wasn’t going to bed early on his account, but he feared it might be an indication of depression.

“Listen. Something rather amazing has happened, ” he said.

“I hope it is something amazing, Duncan. I hope that normal people would share your excitement. ”

“They would if they knew what it meant. ”

“It’s going to be something to do with Tucker, isn’t it? ”

“Yes. ”

She sighed heavily, which he understood as an invitation to continue.

“He sang. Live. In a bar. He joined a, well, an apparently rather mediocre band for an encore of ‘Farmer John. ’ Do you know that song? ‘Farmer John, I’m in love with your daughter, whoa-oo-o-ah. ’ And then he told someone in the audience he was making an album of Dean Martin cover versions. ”

“Right. Good-o. Can I go to bed yet? ”

“Annie, you’re cutting off your nose to spite your face. ”

“I’m sorry? ”

“I know you can see how amazing this is. And you’re just pretending it’s boring because you think you can get back at me. But I’d hoped you’d be above all that. ”

“I am excited, Duncan, honestly. If we were on video-phone now, you’d see I was beside myself. But it’s also late, and I’m tired. ”

“If you want to be like that. ”

“I do, really. ”

“So you don’t really see us being able to build some kind of friendship. ”

“Not tonight, no. ”

“I suppose… Stop me if you feel this analogy is inappropriate, or, or, off. But I do feel that Tucker is our child, in a way. Maybe more mine than yours… Maybe, I don’t know, he was my son, but he was very young when we met, and you adopted him. And if my son, your stepson, had done something remarkable, I’d want to share that with you even if…”

Annie hung up on him. He ended up writing an e-mail to Ed West from the website, but it wasn’t the same.

* * *

For the next few days, the message-board regulars shared everything they knew about the song, in the hope that they could decode Crowe’s message to the world. They discussed whether the “champagne eyes” of the farmer’s daughter were significant—was Tucker acknowledging the role alcohol had played, and maybe was continuing to play, in his life? Even with all the critical ingenuity they had at their disposal, there wasn’t much they could make of the rest of the lyrics, which were of the “I love the way she walks/talks/wiggles” variety. Could it be that he was simply announcing his love for a farmer’s daughter? There were probably several in his immediate vicinity, so why couldn’t he have fallen for one of them? (And of course it was impossible to imagine a farmer’s daughter without imagining a pair of apple-rosy cheeks, and perhaps even a becoming heft around the waist and the bottom. Compare and contrast with the pale, size-zero beauty of Julie Beatty and her ilk! If he was truly in love with a farmer’s daughter, then the old, unhealthy West Coast days were really over. )

There was much talk of the Neil Young connection, Young being a musician Crowe had always admired, and an artist who had managed to grow old creatively and productively. Was it an expression of regret for all the time wasted? Or was he saying that Young had taught him a way forward? The song’s inclusion on Lenny Kaye’s influential 1972 Nuggets compilation, alongside the likes of the Stand ells and the Strawberry Alarm Clock, provoked comment, too, although nobody could make anything really coherent out of the connection. The real point was that, for the second time in a few days, they had been given something to debate. Naked and now this… It really did feel as though Tucker’s hibernation might be drawing to a close.

Annie printed the picture of Tucker and Jackson at work, took it home and stuck it onto the fridge with the Sun Studios fridge magnet that she supposed Duncan would one day reclaim, if he were ever again in a position to think about the smaller details of a home life. It was a lovely picture anyway—Jackson was a beautiful child, and Tucker’s pride in him was obvious and touching. But Jackson and Tucker weren’t up on her fridge simply because they looked happy, she knew that much, and, whenever they caught her eye, she ended up thinking about what they did for her, and whether it was all terribly unhealthy. There was definitely a sad-sack fantasy element to it, she couldn’t deny that: Tucker had mentioned in his e-mail that he was single again, so… she didn’t need to spell it out. (She wanted to be honest with herself, but honesty didn’t mean having to complete every sentence, not when the missing subordinate clause suggested so much emptiness. )

Anyway, there was another, less embarrassing explanation for the cheering effect of the picture: her relationship with Tucker, even as it stood, even excluding the school-girl dreams about Tucker coming to London and maybe even to Gooleness and maybe even staying with her and maybe even not staying on the couch, was exciting. How could it not be? She had something that nobody else in the world had, as far as she knew: e-mail conversation with the sort-of-famous Tucker Crowe, an enigmatic, talented, intelligent man who’d disappeared a long time ago. That would brighten anybody’s day, surely?

But then there were the darker, Duncan-related pleasures she was discovering in the situation. It had taken her about a minute and a half to work out that, if Duncan ever looked at the fridge, he would have no idea who he was staring at, and the ironies of that were good enough and large enough to eat with a knife and fork, on their own, with no accompanying bitterness. She could tell him anything. And he’d believe her, because he knew for a fact that Tucker Crowe now looked like Rasputin, or maybe Merlin—Annie had checked Duncan’s website when Tucker told her about Fucker’s unscheduled appearance in the bar, and his picture was there, as Tucker had told her it would be. (And she noticed, with great delight, that Fucker had described Naked as a piece of shit. What would Duncan have made of that? ) Really, it was all too much. Her real relationship with Tucker would be enough to drive him into a frenzy of jealousy, if he ever found out about it, although she wasn’t entirely sure who he’d be jealous of; but even her pretend relationship with the man on the fridge might be enough to provoke a few twinges.

First, though, she needed Duncan to visit, and she needed him to take notice of something that he would never normally spot in a hundred years: a very small change to a domestic environment. Maybe if she blew the picture up so that it covered the entirety of a wall, he might ask her whether she’d done something to the kitchen; but presuming this was beyond her, both financially and technically, she’d have to point it out in some other unsubtle way. She was going to make him look, though, whatever it took. There was no doubt about that.

She left a message for him on his cell when she knew he’d be teaching.

“Hello, it’s me. Listen, I’m sorry about the other night. I know you were trying to be friendly, and I can see how you might have needed someone to share the news with. Anyway. If you want to try again, I promise I’ll be more receptive. ”

He called her at work, on his lunch break.

“That was very sweet of you. ”

“Oh, that’s okay. ”

“Pretty amazing, though, no? ”

“Incredible. ”

“There’s a picture up on the website. ”

“I might have a look, later. ”

There was a silence. He was so transparent, and she felt an unfamiliar tug of affection. He wanted to keep the conversation going, and he was also looking for an elegant way to turn this tiny spark of interest into something warmer and cozier. It wasn’t that he wanted her back, necessarily, she understood that, but she was sure he’d have been hurt and bewildered by her anger. And he’d be homesick, too. He hated not having his things around him, even on holiday.

“Can I come round for a cup of tea sometime? ”

Elegance had proved beyond him. He’d settled for desperation, in the hope that she’d respond to his neediness.

“Well…”

“At a time convenient to you, of course. ” As if the inconvenience, rather than the infidelity and the mess it had caused, might be responsible for the hesitation.

“Maybe later in the week? Let the dust settle a bit? ”

“Oh. Really? Is there still, you know… dust? ”

“There is round here. I don’t know what it’s like at your place. ”

“I suppose if I say it’s not dusty, you’ll think, I don’t know… that everything’s all okay for me. ”

“I’d just think you hadn’t noticed, to be honest, Duncan. You never used to notice when you were living here. ”

“Ah. I thought we were talking about metaphorical dust. ”

“We were. But there’s always room for a joke, surely? ”

“Ha, ha. Yes, of course. Whenever you want. I’m sure I deserve a bit of teasing. ”

She was suddenly overwhelmed by the sheer hopeless-ness of her relationship with Duncan. It wasn’t just hopeless in its current form; it had always been hopeless. It was an unsuitable Internet date with an inadequate, unexciting man that had lasted for years and years and years. And yet something was making her flirt with him, if flirting could ever include bitterness, and exclude fun, joy and the promise of sex. It was the rejection, she decided. And rejection in Gooleness was a special kind of rejection.

“What about Thursday? ”

The truth was, she didn’t want to wait that long—she wanted him to see the picture as soon as possible. She could see, however, that desperately wanting someone not to recognize a photo of someone else was unattractive, and possibly even indicative of a spiritual crisis.

* * *

Terry Jackson, the town councillor, was unhappy at the lack of progress with the 1964 exhibition and had come to the museum to tell Annie as much.

“So, at the moment, the centerpiece of the exhibition would be what? The pickled shark’s eye? Because it’s hard to imagine anyone wanting to look at that for long. ”

“We don’t really believe in centerpieces. ”

“Don’t we? ”

“No, we…”

“Let me put it another way, then. Is the shark’s eye the best thing we’ve got? ”

“The idea is that we collect so many great things that we don’t talk about the best thing we’ve got. ”

Every time Annie met Terry Jackson, she was distracted by his hair, which was gray, but thick and lovingly shaped by Brylcreem. How old had he been in 1964? Twenty? Twenty-one? Ever since he’d outlined his dream exhibition, which she had been naive enough, and arrogant enough, to believe she could turn into a reality, she’d had the feeling that he had left something behind in that year, and that she could help him get it back. The shark’s eye clearly wasn’t going to do it for him.

“But you haven’t got any great things. ”

“We haven’t got enough, certainly. ”

“I can’t say I’m not disappointed, Annie. Because I am. ”

“I’m sorry. It’s a very hard thing to pull off. I think that even if we’d decided to widen it out and try for a ‘Gooleness in the 1960s’ exhibition, we’d have had difficulties. ”

“I can’t believe that, ” he said. “This place was bonkers in the 1960s. Loads of stuff going on. ”

“I can believe it. ”

“No you can’t, ” he said sharply. “You’re just pretending you can believe it to humor me. The truth is, you think this place is a dump and you always have done. You’d love to put a shark’s eye in an empty room and tell everybody it summed up Gooleness. You’d think it was funny. I knew we should have got a local girl in to run this place. Someone with a feel for it. ”

“I know I wasn’t brought up here, Terry. But I’d like to think I’ve developed an affinity with the town. ”

“Codswallop. You can’t wait to leave. Well, now your boyfriend’s run off, you can, can’t you? Nothing keeping you here. ”

She studied the wall behind his head hard, in an attempt to retract the one tear that seemed to be forming in her right eye. Why the right? Was it one of those things where the right tear duct was connected to the left side of the brain, and it was the left side of the brain that processed emotional trauma? She had no idea, but trying to work it out helped.

“I’m sorry, ” said Terry. “I had no right to bring up your personal life. It’s a great town, Gooleness, but it is a small town, I’ll give you that. My nephew’s at the college, and they all seem to know up there. ”

“Don’t worry. And, of course, you’re right. There’s less to tie me to the town than there was. But I would like to try and get this exhibition on before I leave. If I leave. ”

“Well. That’s very nice of you. And I’m sorry I got a bit hot under the collar about the lack of progress. That year… I can’t explain it. Everything seemed magical to me, and I thought it might to everyone else, and they’d all come flooding out of their houses with, with…”

“That’s been part of my problem, you see, Terry. I’m not sure what they’d be donating either. ”

“Well, I never threw anything away. I kept every newspaper, every cinema ticket, every bloody bus ticket, just about. I’ve got one of those old-fashioned blue-and-red posters advertising the Rolling Stones, plus Bill Wyman’s autograph, because he was the only bugger who’d give me one. I’ve got photos of my mam standing outside Grant’s department store the day before they knocked it down, I’ve got a boxful of bloody shark photos, I’ve got pictures of me and my mates down at the old Queen’s Head, before they turned it into that cheesy nightclub…”

“I wonder if you might think of lending us some of that? ”

She was as polite and as understated as she could be, in the circumstances. If she killed him, though, she was pretty sure a jury would understand, provided they’d been briefed on the recent history of small museum funding, and the restrictions that placed on any kind of imaginative exhibiting.

“Nobody wants to look at my old rubbish. I certainly don’t. I want to look at somebody else’s. ”

“But would you mind if I looked at it? ”

“For ideas, you mean? Get a better picture? ”

“Well, that too, yes. ”

“Oh, if you must. ”

“Thank you. And I wouldn’t rule out lending us some of your memorabilia. ”

“You’d have to be pretty desperate. ”

“Yes, ” she said. “Well. ” And left it at that.

He was right, of course: she had never taken Gooleness seriously, and neither had Duncan. That, after all, was one of the strongest and richest connections between them: their contempt for the town they lived in, and the people they lived with. That was why they’d been matched up in the first place, and that was why they’d stayed together, huddled against the cold winds of ignorance and Philistinism. So what sort of curator did that make her, if she’d never been persuaded that there was a past or a present worth curating? All she and Duncan had ever been able to see was a lack of culture, and you couldn’t put a lack of culture in a museum.

Yes, she could leave, and most of her wanted to leave. Nothing was keeping her in Gooleness, just as Terry had said, apart from some nagging and probably deluded conviction that she was nicer than the sort of person who wouldn’t want to stay.

Duncan knew that she got home at six, so he turned up at about three minutes past. Annie had made sure she was back by a quarter to, though, so that she’d have time to do things that turned out not to need doing. It didn’t take her as long to hang up her coat as she’d anticipated, and the photo on the fridge didn’t actually need moving three inches to the left, then three inches to the right, and then back to where it had been all the time.

And he didn’t look at it anyway. He didn’t really look at anything.

“I suppose you knew straightaway that I was making a terrible mistake, ” he said, when she asked him if he wanted a cookie. He was hunched over his tea and staring at the handle on his “bLIAR” mug. (She’d thought about giving him one of the others, in case drinking out of this one made him weepy, but he hadn’t noticed it. ) “The truth is, I’d have been making a terrible mistake even if I’d been single for all those years. Even if I’d been desperate for, for…”

Annie stared at her own mug. She had no intention of asking him questions about Gina.

“You see, the thing is, I think she might be mad. ”

“You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself. ”

“I know that’s supposed to be a joke. But to tell you the truth, that’s one of the reasons I’ve come to that conclusion. She acts as though it’s some kind of miracle that we’ve found each other. That she got a job at the college, and there I was, waiting for her. Well, I know I’m nothing much. ”

Annie felt the same little pang she’d noticed on the phone the other night, but she was beginning to wonder whether it wasn’t just a straightforwardly human pity. She was relieved he’d gone, and he was worried that another woman’s interest in him was evidence of her insanity. How could she not feel protective?

“It’s all very difficult, isn’t it, ” he said. “This whole business of, of whatever you want to call it. ”

“I’m not sure what it is. What would you call it? ”

“Knowing somebody. ”

“Ah. ”

“Well, I knew you. Know you. That seems to me important. More important than I’d realized. The other night, when I called you… I mean, I know it was about Tucker, and I said silly things about how Tucker was sort of our child even though not having a child was a delicate topic. But the impulse… You see, I don’t really want to tell her anything. Any news I have doesn’t belong to her. ”

“Give it time. ”

“I’m just not cut out for this sort of change, Annie. I want to live here. With you. And tell you things. ”

“You can always tell me things. ”

Annie’s heart sank. She couldn’t think of a single thing Duncan was ever likely to tell her that she’d actually want to know.

“That’s not what I mean. ”

“Duncan, we’ve been more friends than lovers for quite a long time. Maybe we should think about making that relationship official. ”

His face lit up, and for a moment Annie thought she was safely on to the other bank. “Marriage, you mean? Because I’d be happy to…”

“No, no. You’re not listening. The opposite of marriage. A non-matrimonial, nonsexual, once-a-week-in-the-pub friendship. ”

“Oh. ”

Annie was beginning to resent the unfairness of all this. The one good thing about being rejected by Duncan was that she didn’t have to end the relationship herself. Now, suddenly, it would appear that she had to both get dumped and do the dumping. How had that happened?

“The truth is, ” she said, acutely conscious that the phrase was being used to introduce an absurd lie, “I’ve sort of kind of started seeing somebody. I mean, it’s very, very early days, and we haven’t…”

If the somebody in question was who she thought it was—and there were no other candidates that came to mind—then “actually met” were the two words missing from the end of that sentence. But Tucker wouldn’t mind, she felt. He knew how fiction worked, and what it was for.

“You’re seeing somebody? I’m… Well, I’m aghast. ”

If ever Duncan wanted to know the reason why people sometimes found him insufferable, she could point him toward that description of his inner turmoil. Who used the word “aghast” without irony?

“I was pretty aghast myself when you told me about Gina. ”

“Yes, but…”

He was clearly hoping he wouldn’t have to expand on the differences between his situation and her own—which were, of course, more profound than he knew. (What if they weren’t? What if Gina were as imaginary as Tucker? This was a more plausible explanation, surely, than the one she had been expected to swallow: that a woman would take one look at Duncan and usher him straight into her bed. Actually, it wasn’t Duncan’s appearance that was the problem. It was harder to believe that a woman would spend an evening talking to Duncan and still want to sleep with him. )

“But what? ”

“Well. Gina was a, was a given. She was known information. This is something entirely new. ”

“Gina’s quite new. To me, anyway. And anyway, what is she? Some kind of nuclear strike that’s supposed to disable the opposition? I’m not allowed a life because you got one first? ”

Duncan looked pained.

“There’s a lot in there I’d like to take issue with. ”

“Feel free. ”

“In order, (a) I don’t like to think you’re the opposition. That is not how I think of you, and (b) that whole thing of ‘getting a life. ’ I’d like to think you had one already, even before we split up. And, as I have been trying to explain to you, I’m not sure I do have a life. Not in the sense you mean. Anyway. We’re getting away from the point. The point being, you’ve met somebody. ”

“Yes. ”

“Do I know him? ”

For a moment, Annie was tempted to upbraid him for his presumptuous use of the masculine pronoun, but she couldn’t have fun both ways: she couldn’t expect much mileage out of the photo on the fridge if she also wanted to convince him that she’d become a lesbian.

Did Duncan know him? Well, yes and no. Mostly no, she decided.

“No. ”

“That’s something, I suppose. Had you…”

“I’m not sure I really want to talk about my situation, Duncan. It’s private. ”

“I understand. But it would help me if you could answer one more question. ”

“Help you how? ”

“Had you met him before we… before I… before recent events? ”

“We’d had contact, yes. ”

“And does he…”

“That’s it, Duncan. Sorry. ”

“Fair enough. So where does that leave us? ”

“Pretty much where we were, I’d have thought. You’re seeing someone—living with someone—and I’m seeing someone. Someone looking at the situation from the outside would say that we’ve moved on. Especially you. ”

Annie hoped that this outside observer spent more time looking through Gina’s window than her own.

“I know that’s what it looks like, but… Oh, God. Are you really going to make me go through with this? ”

“With what? ”

“Gina. ”

“Duncan, will you listen to yourself? ”

“What have I said? ”

“I’m not making you do anything. If you don’t want to be with Gina, you should tell her. But it’s nothing to do with me. ”

“I can’t tell her. Not if there’s nothing to tell. ”

“What are you talking about? ”

“Well, if I went back and said, you know, ‘Annie and I are getting back together, ’ or, or, ‘Annie’s suicidal and I can’t leave her, ’ I’m sure she’d understand. But I couldn’t just say, you know, ‘You’re mad, ’ could I? ”

“Well, no. I’d hope you wouldn’t say that to anyone. ”

“So what should I say? ”

“It sounds to me as though you’ve moved too quickly. You should tell her that… Oh, Duncan, this is absurd. A couple of weeks ago you told me you’d met somebody else, and now you want me to script the breakup. ”

“I’m not asking you to script it. I just need a rough outline. Anyway, if I do say something to her, where am I going to live? ”

“So you’d be prepared to carry on with her forever rather than look for a flat. ”

“I was hoping to come back here. ”

“I know, Duncan. But we’ve split up. It wouldn’t be appropriate. ”

“Half this house is mine. ”

“I’ve applied to increase the mortgage and buy you out. I don’t know whether they’ll let me, but the guy at the building society thought I had half a chance. And if you need to borrow some money before that, I can help. It seems only fair. ”

The longer this conversation went on, the quicker Annie’s ambiguities and confusions cleared up. Duncan’s obvious regret helped immensely, in the usual unhealthy way. Now that she wasn’t actually being rejected, it was quite clear to her that she didn’t want to be with him a moment longer, and her sense of grievance gave her a force and clarity that she wished were always accessible to her.

“I never thought you’d be so… tough. ”

“And I’m tough because I’ve just offered to lend you money? ”

“Well, yes. You’d rather lend me money than have me back. ”

And another thing: he was stingy, on top of everything else. Duncan would much rather stay in a relationship with a woman he didn’t like than lend her a few quid.

“Make me another cup of tea, will you? I’m just nipping upstairs to the loo. ”

She didn’t need to go, and she didn’t want another drink, and she didn’t want Duncan to stay. But he’d have to go to the fridge for the milk, and if he went to the fridge, he couldn’t fail to notice the photo.

By the time she came back he was staring at it.

“That’s him, isn’t it? ”

“I’m sorry. I should have taken it down. ”

“I don’t wish to be rude. But… is that his son? Or grandson? ”

Annie was momentarily disconcerted: she had got lost in all the layers of irony. Duncan was missing so much crucial information that all he’d been left with was a photo of a bespectacled, silver-haired man with a young boy.

“That is rude, actually. ”

“I’m sorry. It just wasn’t immediately obvious. ”

“It’s his son. He’s only your age. ”

He wasn’t, but he could have been. More or less.

“He’s probably been around the block a couple of times, then. Any other kids? ”

“Duncan, I’m sorry, but I think you should leave. I’m not comfortable with these questions. ”

It really hadn’t been as much fun as she’d hoped.

She still had his e-mail, though, and she’d only read it through once. She’d printed it at work, along with the photograph, and she’d put it in an envelope, to keep it from getting dog-eared and dirtied by all the detritus at the bottom of her workbag. After she’d made herself something to eat, she sat down and unfolded it, but stood up again when she decided she’d like to wear her reading glasses. She hardly ever bothered with them.

She was reminding herself of somebody. The letter (because that’s what it was now), the glasses, the armchair… How many times had she watched her mother and grandmother sit down to pay proper attention to something that had come in the mail? And who were all those people who wrote to them? Names started to come back, names she hadn’t heard in years: Betty in Canada—who was Betty? Why was she in Canada? How come Gran knew her? Auntie Vi in Manchester, who wasn’t an auntie… When Annie was in her mid-teens, and had thus become surly and superior, she couldn’t keep herself from feeling that there was something depressing about the good cheer that invariably accompanied the arrival of those letters. Who cared if Betty’s niece was pregnant, or if Auntie Vi’s grandson was a trainee vet? If Mum and Gran weren’t so isolated and bored, none of this would be regarded as news.

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