CHAPTER FOUR

The band seemed to be playing loudly in order to be heard above the raised voices of the diners, and Roxy felt as though her head was about to split. She had looked forward to dining out with Marcus, but she had never imagined it would affect her in this way. Conversation was virtually impossible and, as the evening wore on, Roxy found it increasingly difficult to make the effort to speak. It felt as though she had been trapped in a rowdy madhouse, and she was becoming frantic with the desire for escape.

'Dance with me, Roxy, ' Marcus suggested when they had had their meal, and drew her to her feet and on to the dance floor before she could protest.

'I'm afraid I'm not a very good dancer, ' she warned nervously.

'Neither am I, ' he laughed close to her ear. 'Let's settle for a slow shuffle around the floor. '

His arm was firm about her waist, drawing her unnervingly close to him, and somehow, as they moved across the floor in time to the music, she matched her steps to his. The noise was becoming deafening, and her tortured eardrums throbbed protestingly in time to the heavy beat of the bass drum. Marcus tightened his arm about her waist and she felt his chin brush against her temple, but not even the thrill of his nearness could eliminate what she was suffering at that moment.

'You've been very quiet this evening, Roxy, ' he remarked when they finally returned to their table.

'I'm sorry. ' What else could she say? she wondered miserably. If she tried to explain, would he understand, or would he consider that she was merely seeking an excuse to bring the evening to an end?

'Is something wrong? ' he questioned her sharply, finding her hands across the table and gripping them tightly. 'You seem nervous and edgy. '

'No, no, there's nothing ‑ '

'Roxy! ' His voice was stern and commanding. 'The truth. '

The truth! Oh, God, she wanted to scream it at him, but she dared not. 'Forgive me, Marcus. The food has been excellent, but ‑ '

'But? ' he prompted tersely, and she knew that, whatever happened, she could no longer keep silent.

'It's the noise, ' she said at last. 'You may not notice it, but it sounds to me as though there are a million voices trying to make themselves heard above the noise of the band, and ‑ ' She swallowed nervously. 'I'm sorry. '

'Come, ' he said at once, drawing her to her feet and draping her coat about her shoulders. 'I'm taking you out of here. '

'Marcus. . . ' she began hesitantly some minutes later when she was seated beside him in his car and being driven heaven knows where. 'I've spoiled the evening for you. '

'No, you haven't, ' he said at once, and his hand clasped hers briefly in her lap. 'I'm taking you to Carlo's. It's quiet there, and he makes a good strong cup of coffee. '

Roxy said nothing, but she had never felt so miserable in her life before. She felt a freak and, worse still, she felt certain that Marcus considered her so.

Less than ten minutes later Roxy was being ushered into another restaurant where the voices of the diners were nothing but a pleasant murmur on the ears while recorded music offered a soothing and relaxing background.

'Ah, Carlo, ' Marcus exclaimed moments after they had entered, and a spate of Italian followed that left Roxy feeling lost and bewildered before Marcus drew her more firmly to his side and said: 'Carlo, I'd like you to meet Miss Roxana Cunningham. Roxy, this is my good friend Carlo. '

'How do you do, Carlo, ' she smiled forcibly, extending her hand and, to her surprise, she felt the man's lips brushing against her fingers.

'I am honoured to meet you, Signorina Cunningham, ' he said in his heavily accented English.

'I told Roxy you make an excellent cup of coffee, Carlo. '

'The very best, ' Carlo agreed delightedly, releasing her hand. 'Sit down, and I will bring it at once, Signor Marcus. '

Marcus's arm about her shoulders guided her towards a table, and when she was seated he asked: 'Is this better? '

'Much better, ' she replied with a rueful smile. 'Marcus, I'm sorry. '

'Don't say that again, ' he ordered firmly. 'It was crassly inconsiderate of me not to have realised that the noise might affect you in that way—and to tell the truth, I prefer the peace and quiet of Carlo's restaurant. ' 'You're just saying that to make me feel better, ' she accused.

'Roxy, don't be infuriating. '

'Infuriating? ' she echoed curiously. 'In what way? '

'Don't you trust me? '

Roxy considered this for a moment. 'Should I? '

'That's a good question, ' he laughed, grasping the ulterior meaning behind her words, and she coloured at her own audacity.

'Your coffee, signore, signorina, ' Carlo interrupted their conversation.

'Thank you, Carlo, ' Marcus replied, then they were left alone once more.

Roxy sugared her coffee and sipped at the aromatic brew. 'Hm, this is good. '

'Tell me about your work at the clinic, ' Marcus prompted. 'You were talking to a little boy in the clinic gardens the other day. '

'That was little Chris Thompson, ' she explained. 'There was a possibility that he might be totally blind, but fortunately he's maintained the vision of one eye. ' There was a hint of sadness in her voice as she added: 'He went home yesterday. '

'And you, Roxy? ' Marcus questioned her directly. 'Is there no hope of ‑ '

'No hope at all, ' she interrupted, shrinking mentally from this topic of conversation.

'There's an eye surgeon in Vienna who's been performing absolute miracles during the past few years. '

'Marcus, the optic nerves have been severed, and no operation in the world could rectify that. Besides... ' she drew a careful breath, 'Basil Vaughn is the best eye specialist in the country, and also the most brilliant surgeon. He's called in more than a dozen eye surgeons to review my case, and they've all said it's hopeless. I've accepted the fact that I'm going to be blind for the rest of my life, and I don't want my hopes raised again. '

Marcus was silent for a moment, and she was beginning to suspect that she had displeased him when he said: 'To look at you one would never say you're blind. '

'I'm normal, except for my sight, and I have a place in society just like everyone else. I don't want to be pampered, or treated any differently. ' She smiled suddenly. 'My father and I have a very good understanding. We always tell each other the truth, no matter how much it may hurt, and in that way I know I'm not being deceived or cheated. '

'Do people try to deceive you? '

'Mostly I find they try to cheat me into buying something ridiculous when I go shopping, ' she laughed shortly.

'Can you tell when they do? '

'Nearly always, yes, but I seldom buy anything in the clothing line unless Maggie is with me. ' They drank their coffee in silence, and when she eventually pushed her empty cup aside, she said: 'Let's talk about you for a change. Do you live in a house or a flat? '

'A flat, ' he replied in an abrupt fashion, and she suspected that he disliked being questioned.

'Who does the cooking and cleaning for you? '

'The flat is serviced. I occasionally rustle up something for myself, but most of the time I eat out. '

'With a different woman each night for company? ' she teased lightly.

'Yes, ' he agreed, and she sensed the smile in his voice. 'I have this little black book, you see, with all their names, addresses, and statistics, and the one I select depends entirely on what mood I happen to be in. '

'What mood are you in this evening? ' she questioned humorously. 'A charitable, sympathetic, feeling-sorry-for-her mood? '

'I don't feel sorry for you, Roxy. ' The smile had left his voice. 'You're attractive, and you're different. '

Roxy stiffened. 'By different, I presume you mean blind. '

'Different in yourself, you prickly hedgehog, ' he scolded harshly, capturing her hands across the table, and sending that familiar current of awareness rippling through her. 'There are other reasons why I enjoy your company, but I'll tell you those reasons some other time. '

The atmosphere had suddenly become intimate, and much too dangerous. 'You make me nervous, ' she said quietly.

'Do I? '

She tilted her head slightly as if she were trying to make up her mind about something, then she said accusingly, 'You're laughing at me. '

'Not at you, ' he corrected, his thumbs moving in a sensual caress across the backs of her hands. 'I'm laughing at myself. '

'At yourself? ' she frowned.

'If you'd been any other' girl, Roxy, you may have had reason to feel nervous. Our relationship has reached the stage where I usually do my level best to persuade my companion into my bed. '

'Oh, ' she said dully, her colour deepening, then receding. She was not quite sure what she had expected, but his explanation had somehow extinguished a light within her.

'Does that shock you? ' he questioned softly.

'Not really. '

'Does it surprise you, then, that I haven't tried to seduce you? ' he persisted, unaware of the pain his probing questions were arousing.

'No, ' she said stiffly, removing her hands firmly from his. 'My blindness usually places a damper on a man's natural desires. '

'My God, Roxy! You're no less a woman because you're blind! ' His voice seemed to vibrate with incredulous anger, and when she did not answer him, he said roughly, 'Come on, it's time I took you home. '

Roxy sat tense and silent beside him in the car as he drove through the streets of the city and out to Houghton. The evening had been a failure; she was a failure, and perhaps, she thought bitterly, it had been foolish of her to think she could be like other women. No man could truly be interested in a girl who is blind, so why should she feel hurt about the things Marcus had said?

The car slowed down, the tyres crunching on the gravel driveway, and then it stopped. Marcus switched off the engine, and in the ensuing silence Roxy's shaking fingers sought the catch on the door.

'Wait! ' He leaned across her, his hand staying hers, and her pulse quickened as she felt his breath fanning her cheek. 'Don't be under a misapprehension, Roxy, ' he said, and that deep, velvety voice was like a slow caress stirring her senses. 'You're very desirable, but your innocence was obvious to me in the way you reacted that day at the dam when I kissed you. You were frightened, I know that now, and I don't want to frighten you again. '

He sounded convincing and, in her desperate desire to believe him, she whispered daringly, 'I'm not frightened now. '

He was silent for one awful moment, then he asked with a hint of humour in his voice, 'Are you asking me to seduce you? '

'I'm asking you to treat me like a woman, ' she answered, his nearness making her behave in a way she had never dared to do before.

'Haven't I been trying to do that since the first time we met? '

'You have, ' she admitted truthfully, 'but I wasn't prepared for what followed. '

'And you're prepared for it now? '

Roxy had a feeling that she was treading on dangerous ground, and that her answer would determine her future in no uncertain terms. Was she prepared for it, or was she blundering into something she would find herself unable to cope with eventually? She sensed the tension in Marcus as he waited for her to reply, and she stammered nervously, 'I—I think so. '

'Then let's find out, shall we? ' he laughed softly, drawing her towards him.

She remained passive and uncertain in his arms, but when his lips found hers and coaxed them apart, she melted against him and kissed him back with more warmth than she had intended. His kiss was gentle this time, but with an underlying sensuality that awakened dormant emotions she had not known she possessed and, when that hand beneath her coat moved upwards from her waist to her breast, she trembled and drew closer to him instinctively.

Marcus released her with unexpected suddenness and, with his arms no longer about her, she shivered and asked anxiously, 'Did I do something wrong? '

'I don't intend to rush you, Roxy, ' he said in an odd voice as he raised her hand to his lips. 'I'm going to take you inside now. '

Roxy felt strangely disappointed as she walked up the steps with him to the front door. What had she expected? she wondered confusedly as she pulled her coat closer about her to shut out the cold night air.

'Shall I put on the light? ' he asked when they stood in the hall, and her whispered 'no' was barely spoken before his arms slid inside her coat to encircle her waist and draw her towards him until her slenderness came to rest against the hard length of him.

She felt again that current of electricity flowing through her, then he was kissing her with that passionate intensity she had known once before, but this time she did not withdraw from him. Her arms went up about his neck, and she surrendered, herself to the wild, throbbing emotions that stormed through her body.

His hands were hard against her back, and her breasts were hurting against his chest, but she did not care. She wanted this moment to go on and on for ever, but Marcus moved against her without warning, removing her arms from about his neck, and putting her aside.

'I must go, ' he said in a strangely hoarse voice, 'but I'll see you tomorrow. '

His lips brushed hers very briefly, then he was gone, leaving her in the silent, darkened hall with a heart that was beating alarmingly fast in her breast.

She had never felt like this before; so elated, so very much a woman. She had a vague suspicion as to what was happening to her, but she could not put a name to it—not yet—not until she was sure of herself, and of Marcus.

'Marcus, ' she whispered his name aloud as she went up to her room. His name was like a melody in her heart and, foolishly perhaps, she allowed herself to dream that night of the things she had always shut so firmly out of her life.

The following two weeks were deliriously happy weeks for Roxy. Marcus occupied almost every free moment she had, but she did not object. He took her to Carlo's for dinner on several occasions, and escorted her once to the music festival in the City Hall, but he also spent quite a few evenings at her home with her father and herself, which made her suspect that he enjoyed proving to her that he could still outwit her at chess whenever it pleased him.

Roxy's awakening came at the housewarming party of friends of his, when her sensitive ears picked up a conversation between Marcus and their host.

'Attractive girl you brought with you this evening, ' David Whitby was saying. 'Pity she's blind, though. '

'Roxy doesn't need to be pitied, ' came Marcus's reply.

'Are you serious about her? '

'You know me, Dave, ' Marcus laughed shortly. 'I like variety. '

Roxy's insides began to shake. Was she merely one of the variety that added spice to his life? It was an unpalatable thought she did not linger on as she heard David Whitby speaking once more.

'It's time you got yourself married, and settled down, Marcus, ' he said. 'You're not getting any younger, you know. '

'If I ever decide to plunge myself into the state of matrimony it will have to be to someone who could share my interests, ' Marcus replied testily.

'Do you have someone in mind? '

If Marcus replied to that, then his reply was drowned out by the shrill laughter of the women seated beside Roxy, but she had heard enough to make her realise that she had lived in a fool's paradise over the past weeks.

The remainder of the evening dragged for Roxy and, when they finally left the party, she was so tense that she could hardly speak. All she could think of while Marcus drove her home were his remarks about liking variety, and not marrying anyone unless this person could share his interests. What was that formidable list of interests her father had rattled off to her one evening? Karate, squash, mountaineering and yachting, she recalled them one by one, and it was like driving a sword repeatedly into her very soul. Marriage to Marcus had not entered her thoughts as yet, and now there was less chance of it ever doing so. She could never share in those interesting activities even if she had wanted to, so there was no purpose in continuing with a relationship which would eventually become distasteful to both of them, she decided bitterly.

'Do I get invited to stay for something to drink? ' Marcus asked lightly when he had unlocked the front door for her and stood aside for her to enter.

'No, it's late, and I—I'm rather tired, ' she apologised haltingly, knowing she could not bear him near her now that she had so much to think about.

'I'll see you tomorrow evening, then. '

'I don't think so, Marcus. I have so much work to catch up on. '

'I'll give you a ring at any rate, ' he announced, drawing her into a swift embrace and kissing her hard on the mouth. 'Goodnight, Roxy. '

She heard his car go down the drive a few minutes later, and only then did she lock the door and go upstairs to her room. It was not too late to forget him, she told herself as she undressed herself and climbed into bed, but while she lay there waiting for sleep to overtake her she realised with painful certainty that it was too late already. Marcus had shattered her defences at their very first meeting, and later he had stripped her of her final layer of protection; her determination to exclude men from her life. She was left now with the despairing knowledge that she had fallen in love with a man who cared as little for her, apparently, as he had cared for any of the women he had known in his past.

There were no tears, no silent recriminations, only a quiet acceptance, and a firm decision to keep out of his way in future in the hope that she might forget the dream of happiness she had nurtured for so brief a time.

When the telephone rang after dinner the following evening she knew instinctively that it would be Marcus, and she steeled herself when her father called her into the hall to take the call. Her hand was damp and shaking when she lifted the receiver to her ear, and the sound of his voice at the other end did nothing to placate the nervous tension that coiled through her. It merely made her more aware of the desperate and futile longings which churned within her for something she could not have.

'Have dinner with me tomorrow evening, ' he suggested in his usual commanding manner, and although her heart-longed to say 'yes', her mind told her that it would be a mistake.

'I'm afraid I can't, ' she said, grasping at the first excuse she could think of. 'I'm going out with my father to spend the evening with friends of ours. '

'What about the evening after that, then? '

'Dr Vaughn is taking me to a party at his golf club. '

There was a brief, ominous silence during which she felt terrifyingly certain he must hear the heavy thudding of her heart, then he asked with a hint of that familiar smile in his voice, 'Are you giving me the brush-off, Roxy? '

'Oh, God, give me strength, ' she prayed desperately, and then, her fingernails biting into her palm, she said untruthfully, 'N-no, of course not. '

The line seemed to crackle with silence once more, then he said abruptly, 'I'll see you some time, then. '

The line went dead before she could reply, and she stood there a little stupidly, fighting against her guilt, and the ridiculous desire to weep.

'I thought you said that you were not going with me tomorrow evening, ' Theodore remarked when she had returned to her chair and was helping herself to a second cup of coffee.

'I changed my mind, ' she explained, wincing as she filled the cup too much in her agitation and scalded her exploratory finger. 'Do you mind? '

'I'm thrilled, but ‑ ' He paused, plunging the living-room into a silence which was broken only by the ticking of the clock above the mantelshelf, then the newspaper crackled loudly in his hands. 'Roxy, don't play cat-and-mouse with Marcus. '

Roxy helped herself to milk and sugar, and sipped carefully at her coffee in an effort to gain time in which to control her voice, then she said with forced casualness, 'Daddy, I don't intend that we should meet again, if I can help it. '

'But why? ' Theodore demanded incredulously, the newspaper crackling fiercely as if it was being manhandled before it landed on the floor beside his chair with a thud. 'I thought you were fond of him. '

'I am fond of him. Perhaps too fond of him, ' she added with care. 'That's why I think it's time our friendship came to an end. '

There was a long perturbed silence, then Theodore sighed, 'I'm afraid I don't understand you. '

She smiled a little whimsically then. 'I don't think I understand myself, but there it is. '

Her father did not question her further, and merely picked up his newspaper and slapped it back on to his lap while she drank her coffee in silence before retiring to her workroom to catch up on the transcription she had neglected so much lately.

The evening spent at the home of their friends the Duncans left Roxy feeling bored and restless, and the evening out at Basil's golf club was not a success either. Her thoughts were taken up with Marcus to the extent that she felt like rushing to the nearest telephone just for the sake of hearing his voice.

Roxy ploughed through the evening somehow, smiling and laughing when it was expected of her, but craving inwardly to be near the one man who could make her feel so vitally alive. 'Oh, lord, ' she thought at one time. 'Why couldn't I just be satisfied with the crumbs he had to offer me? The crumbs were so much better than this dead-weight emptiness inside of me. '

The party ended well after midnight, and she felt exhausted when Basil took her home. He had been unusually quiet that evening, but she had not attributed it to anything special until they arrived at her home.

He unlocked the door for her, and when he placed the key in her hand, he stopped her from going inside by placing his hands on her shoulders. 'We've known each other for a long time, Roxy, ' he said, 'and you must know how I feel about you. '

If the concrete tiles had suddenly caved in beneath her she could not have been more surprised. 'Basil, please don't... '

'I love you, Roxy, and I want you to marry me, ' he forestalled her urgently.

Of all things, she had never expected this, and never from Basil Vaughn. He was a man in his forties, not that his age mattered, but he had been her doctor since she was twelve, and later he had become her friend and employer. He had never once given any indication that he felt this way about her, and neither had she ever considered him as a would-be husband and lover. She could not for the life of her imagine why he should mention it now, and although she found the idea preposterous, she was nevertheless deeply touched.

'I'm afraid I—I can't marry you, Basil, ' she said at last when she had found her voice.

His hands tightened their hold on her shoulders. 'Promise me you will at least think it over? '

'I promise, but ‑ ' She floundered, not wanting to hurt him, but knowing in her heart that she must speak the truth. 'Don't hope too much, Basil. I'm fond of you, but I—I don't love you. ' She had never felt quite so dreadful in all her life, she thought as she added lamely, 'I'm sorry. '

'All I'm asking at the moment is that you think it over, ' Basil persisted, brushing his lips against her cheek in a way he had done so often before. 'Goodnight, my dear. '

Roxy could not sleep that night. Basil's declaration had come as a shock to her, and she lay for hours going over everything in her mind. There had been no display of passion, no embarrassing overtures, just the calm statement that he loved her and wanted to marry her. She was thankful for his display of reticence, for it would at least make it easier for her when they met again, but it disturbed her to know that he felt that way about her. If he had mentioned his feelings a month ago, she might still have stopped to consider his proposal, but not now; not after knowing Marcus Fleming.

She should feel elated, she supposed. She had received her first proposal when she had thought never to receive any at all, but the incident had merely depressed her, and it had left her wondering why fate had so cruelly brought a man like Marcus into her life.

When morning came at last Roxy had not slept, and she climbed wearily out of bed to ring for Maggie before she went through to the bathroom to run her bath water.

'You're up early this morning, Miss Roxy, ' Maggie remarked with disgusting cheerfulness when she walked into Roxy's bedroom five minutes later.

'I didn't sleep at all, ' Roxy grumbled. 'What kind of day is it? '

'It's cold, Miss Roxy, and the lawns are white with frost, ' Maggie told her. 'You'll have to wear something warm. '

'Slacks and a warm sweater will do, ' Roxy decided listlessly, and leaving Maggie to select her clothes for her, she went through to the bathroom to soak away the fatigue of the hours she had tossed away in her bed that night.

'You look as though you never slept a wink, ' Theodore remarked astutely when she joined him for breakfast an hour later. 'Did the evening out with Basil not live up to expectations? '

'As a matter of fact, my expectations were totally surpassed, ' she replied tiredly as she seated herself at the table. 'He asked me to marry him. '

'He did what? ' Theodore exploded, his knife and fork clattering on to his plate. 'I hope you didn't accept. '

'Oh, Daddy, how can you say that? ' she frowned, regretting her impulse to tell her father about the incident. 'Basil is a wonderful man, and a fine doctor, and ‑ '

'You don't love him, ' Theodore cut in brusquely.

'No, I don't, ' she admitted ruefully. 'But I did promise to consider his proposal. '

'I don't know how you could even think of giving him such a promise, ' her father remonstrated agitatedly. 'The man must be out of his mind, and besides that, he's close on forty-five. '

'Daddy, if I loved him his age wouldn't matter at all, but I don't feel anything for him but fondness. '

'I should hope not! ' Theodore snorted.

'Don't be unkind, ' she protested.

'I'm sorry, Roxy, ' he sighed. 'Now if it were Marcus ‑ '

'It will never be Marcus, ' she exclaimed heatedly, unconsciously twisting her table napkin up into a tight ball between her fingers. 'Never! ''

'My dear, I was merely supposing, ' her father explained pacifyingly.

'Well, don't! ' she snapped. There was a long, awkward silence, then she sighed and smiled waveringly. 'I'm sorry, Daddy. I'm bitchy this morning, and you really don't deserve that I should take it out on you. '

'What are fathers for, then? ' Theodore laughed, and the tension eased at once as he got up and walked round to her side of the table to drop a light kiss on her forehead. 'See you this evening. '

Roxy sat there for some time, toying with a piece of toast, and finally settling for a cup of coffee. She had not expected her father to react so violently to the news that Basil had proposed to her, and she should, perhaps, have set his mind at ease, but when she considered how much Basil had done for her in the past she had felt obliged to defend him.

Oh, why was her life suddenly in such a mess? she wondered as she got up from the table and took a walk in the garden with Sheba at her side.

It was cold out, but she scarcely noticed. Her mind kept churning up incidents she would have preferred to forget, and she tortured herself with the memory of those blissful moments she had spent with Marcus when nothing had mattered beyond the touch of his lips and hands. When the cold finally penetrated the thickness of her sweater, making her shiver, she went inside to closet herself in her workroom, and for almost two hours she worked steadily on her transcriptions. The work occupied her mind, and she had almost succeeded in shutting out her painful thoughts when the door to her workroom was opened and closed firmly as if someone had entered.

No one, not even Maggie, would enter her workroom in that manner without announcing themselves in some way, and she stiffened, her head tilted in a listening attitude. She wished suddenly that she had brought Sheba in with her, for she would have given Roxy some idea of her unexpected caller's identity, but it was too late to wish that now.

'Who ‑? ' she began nervously, but when those heavy footsteps approached her across the carpeted floor, she found herself experiencing those disturbing vibrations which she had encountered so often before, and she went hot and cold as she whispered hesitantly, 'Marcus? '

His particular brand of masculine Cologne quivered in her nostrils, confirming her suspicions even before that deep, familiar voice murmured close to her ear, 'Clever guess, Roxy. '

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