CHAPTER FIVE

Cluck-in-a-Bucket is five minutes from the bail bonds office on a good day. Ten minutes if church is getting out or if there’s a funeral procession leaving the funeral home on Hamilton. It was twenty minutes from Trotter’s house.

We got to Cluck-in-a-Bucket after the lunch rush and before the dinner rush. There were a few cars in the parking lot. No cars in the drive-thru line.

“I’m feeling good about this, ” Lula said. “This is gonna be a win-win. We capture the fry cook and we get chicken nuts as a bonus. ”

I’d be happy with just a win. I wasn’t sold on the chicken nuts. I parked the car and got out and arranged my gear. Cuffs in jeans right-hand back pocket. Car keys in jeans left-hand back pocket. Pepper spray in right-hand sweatshirt pocket. Fake badge and legitimate right to apprehend papers in left sweatshirt pocket. Illegal stun gun left in car. Cell phone and credit card in sports bra. Lula kept her equipment in her purse. Lula rarely had pockets.

“Things could happen fast after we start the apprehension process with Arnold, ” Lula said. “So, I’m suggesting we get our chicken nuts first. I’ll just step up like I’m an ordinary customer and then as soon as I get my nuts, we can make our move. ” She fished her wallet out of her purse. “What kind of nuts do you want? Regular or extra spicy? ”

“I’m going to pass on the nuts. ”

“What? No nuts? You gotta try the nuts. It’s just wrong not to try the nuts. ”

“I’m not in a mood for nuts. ”

“This is about that fight you had with Morelli, isn’t it? It’s the nuts association. ”

“That’s ridiculous. It’s not about Morelli. And it’s definitely not about his… you know. ”

“His nuts. ”

“Yes, his nuts. It’s not about his nuts. Morelli’s nuts are just fine, thank you. ”

“Well, you gotta miss them. ”

“Could we please move on from this. ”

“Just sayin’, ” Lula said.

I cut a look at Lula and decided my chances of walking away with no nuts were small to none.

“Okay, ” I said. “I’ll try the chicken nuts. I want the plain. ”

“Yeah, but it’s all about the extra spicy, ” Lula said.

I felt my eyes narrow and my teeth clench. “Then get me the extra spicy. ”

“Good choice, ” Lula said. “I’ll be right back. ”

I hung just inside the door while Lula went to the counter. Lula was right. I missed Morelli. I missed his dog, Bob. I missed his big-screen TV. I missed the comfort and security of being in a relationship. I missed hearing about his day and cuddling next to him in bed at night. I missed his playful sexiness and the heat that came with the play. I wanted to end the standoff, but I didn’t know how to resolve the problem that caused the argument.

When Grandma found the keys, I told her I’d help her find the treasure. From that moment on, it’s been a battlefield with Grandma and me on one side and the rest of my family plus Morelli on the other side. All of their objections are valid. Ownership of the treasure isn’t clear. Much of the search will most likely fall into the gray zone of legality. And there are psychopaths involved, so it will be dangerous. Maybe even fatal.

Morelli’s parting shot was that he didn’t want a relationship with Indiana Jones. Okay, I get that because I have similar feelings about having a relationship with a cop. It’s dangerous work and the hours aren’t always great. My problem is that while Morelli made the statement to get a point across, he hit on a squelched desire. I’m realizing that I’m a closet Indy. For much of my childhood I was convinced I could fly. I broke my arm trying. I wanted to be Wonder Woman, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and Princess Leia. None of that worked out for me. I ended up selling bargain-basement lingerie when I graduated from college, and now I’m tracking down a man who fried roaches and fed them to his ex-wife. Transitioning into Indiana Jones has a lot of appeal. Indy never had to eat chicken nuts to save the day. Monkey brains, yes, but not chicken nuts.

Lula put her order in for extra spicy nuts and waited at the counter. A couple of minutes later the counter girl handed Lula a giant bucket of nuts and Lula motioned for me to step forward.

“I can take it from here, ” Lula said to me. “I know I’m just the assistant agent, but I got a good grip on this one. ”

She popped a donut into her mouth and looked like she was in rapture.

“Omigod, ” she said. “This is the best donut ever. This is like having an orgasm in my mouth. And not someone else’s either. Like it’s mine. ”

The counter girl took a step back. “That’s gross. ”

“Well, obviously you don’t know a lot about orgasms, ” Lula said. “I gotta talk to the fry cook. I gotta compliment him. ”

“He’s in the back, ” the girl said. “He’s pretty busy right now. ”

“Hey, fry cook! ” Lula yelled. “I gotta talk to you. ”

A big guy in a grease-stained white T-shirt appeared and stepped up to the counter. He was over six feet tall and built like a bear. He was balding and the hair he had left was pulled into a ponytail. He had a two-day beard and bloodshot eyes.

“You got something to say about my nuts? ” he asked Lula.

Lula looked back at me. “Is he the one? ” she whispered.

I nodded, yes.

“Are you Arnold Rugalowski? ” Lula asked.

“Yeah, ” he said. “So what? ”

Lula tucked the bucket of nuts under her arm and fished around in her purse. “Hold on, ” she said. “I gotta get my equipment. ”

Lula’s purse had the capacity of a small suitcase. Lula could never find anything in her purse.

“Maybe I can help, ” I said, moving closer, offering Lula my cuffs.

“Thanks, ” Lula said, taking the cuffs, turning to Arnold. “We’re bond enforcement agents, and we want you to come downtown with us, so we can reschedule your court date. ”

“Screw that, ” Arnold said. “And you’re not getting my nuts, either. ”

He reached across the counter and grabbed the cardboard bucket Lula had tucked under her arm.

“Hey! ” Lula said. “Those are mine. I paid for them. ”

Arnold flipped her the bird and walked back to his fry station.

“That’s rude, ” Lula said. “I don’t like his attitude. I want to see the manager, ” she said to the counter girl. “I demand to see the manager. ”

“He isn’t here right now, ” she said. “It’s just me and Arnold. Do you want to talk to Arnold again? ”

“Damn right I want to talk to Arnold, ” Lula said. “Hey, Arnold! ” she yelled. “Get your butt out here and bring my nuts with you. ”

Arnold stepped up to the counter. “You want your nuts? Try this on for size. ”

He took a donut from the bucket and threw it at Lula. It hit her in the forehead and was followed by a second that hit her left boob.

“Ow! ” Lula said. “Stop that. ”

“Make me, ” Arnold said.

Lula fished around in her purse, found her Glock, and fired off a shot that took out an overhead sign advertising Clucky Nuggets.

The counter girl ducked behind the counter, and a handful of people who had been sitting in booths ran out of the building.

Arnold reached under his greasy T-shirt and grabbed the gun he had tucked under his waistband. “Dumb, fat bitch, ” he said. “Eat this. ”

Lula shrieked, panicked, and threw her gun at him, and we ran for the car. Arnold unloaded a couple of rounds that missed Lula and me but took out my side mirror.

I chirped the tires getting out of the lot and headed for the office.

“He said I was fat, ” Lula said. “Can you imagine? ”

“That’s what bothers you about that whole fiasco? ”

“That’s not all. I’m bothered that I never got my chicken nuts, even though the one I ate didn’t live up to my expectations. ”

“What about the orgasm in your mouth? ”

“Hunh, I suppose you never lied about a orgasm? I was being complimentary. And I’ll tell you another thing. They should do something about gun control in this state. They let just any bat-shit crazy idiot carry a gun. ”

“You carry a gun, ” I said.

“That’s different. I’m almost a police officer. I’m a quasi-law-enforcement person. ”

“You realize you left your gun back there? ”

“Yeah, I’m gonna have to replace it. I’ll detour to the hair salon on Stark when I go home today. Lolita Sue always has a nice collection. I get all my guns from her. ”

“You don’t get them at a gun shop? ”

“Hell, no. You gotta fill out all those forms and go through a bunch of crap. All I do with Lolita Sue is give her a couple bucks. ”

I dropped Lula at the office, and I called Ranger.

“I need you, ” I said to him.

“Babe, ” Ranger said. “I’m your man. ”

“I don’t need you that way. I need you to help me break into a safe. ”

Okay, that was sort of a fib. Every woman I knew lusted after Ranger. Including me. He was six feet of hard-muscled perfection. He was magic in bed. And he had a magnetic pull that was beyond the physical. On the flip side, he wasn’t a candidate for marriage, and he had a code of conduct that didn’t necessarily conform to the national norm. I’d decided a while ago that it was best to ignore and deny Ranger-lust.

“I have a lot of skills, ” Ranger said. “Safecracking isn’t one of them. ”

“But you know someone. ”

“I do. ”

“I’m on the hunt for the La-Z-Boys’ treasure. Supposedly there are clues locked up in the safe at the Mole Hole. ”

“There’s a little Italian bakery on Henry Street, ” Ranger said.

“Carlotta’s. ”

“Meet me in the lot behind the bakery at ten o’clock tonight. ”

“Okay, but…”

The Man of Mystery disconnected.

I thought about the files in my bag. Potts, Rugalowski, and Trotter. It was midafternoon. I could make another try at a capture. Potts was the obvious choice. He was guilty of a nonviolent crime. And he was a first offender, so he wasn’t up to speed on the system. When I told him that I was merely taking him downtown to get a new court date, he might actually believe me. There was the gluten issue, but he’d probably have clothes on, so an accident wouldn’t be an entire disaster. Plus, I kept a shower curtain in the back for blood and other body fluid emergencies. My bounty hunter skills are lacking, but at least I’m prepared for fugitive leakage.

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