Would you like a cigar? (не желаете ли сигару) 1 страница

" Would you like a cigar? (не желаете ли сигару)"

" No. Don't smoke (не курю). Tried tobacco once and I didn't like it. "

" Would you like to join me in a game of gin rummy? (не хотите присоединиться ко мне в карточной игре)"

" No. Don't like card games. Tried it once, and I didn't like it.

However (однако), my son will be dropping in after a bit (заглянет через некоторое время). Perhaps (может быть) he will join you. "

The first man settled back in his chair (откинулся в своем кресле; to settle – усаживаться, устраиваться) and said, " Your only son, I presume? (ваш единственный сын, я полагаю)"

A man was in a bar. Hoping to strike up a conversation with a distinguished looking fellow sitting nearby, he said, " May I buy you a drink? "

" No, " said the man coolly, " Don't drink. Tried it once and I didn't like it. "

" Would you like a cigar? "

" No. Don't smoke. Tried tobacco once and I didn't like it. "

" Would you like to join me in a game of gin rummy? "

" No. Don't like card games. Tried it once, and I didn't like it.

However, my son will be dropping in after a bit. Perhaps he will join you. "

The first man settled back in his chair and said, " Your only son, I presume? "

May I buy you a drink?

I tried it once and I didn't like it.

Would you like a cigar?

An industrial expert (специалист в /области/ индустрии) went around asking (ходил «вокруг», опрашивая) different people (разных людей), " What do you like best about your job? (что вам больше всего нравится в вашей работе)"

" The good pay (хорошая оплата), " one factory worker replied (один фабричный рабочий ответил).

" What do you like least about your job? (что вам меньше всего нравится в вашей работе)" asked the expert (спросил эксперт).

" The good pay, " he said again (снова).

The expert was surprised (был удивлен). " What do you mean? (что вы имеете в виду) You like it the best and you like it the least? (вам нравится это больше всего и вам нравится это меньше всего)"

" Well, I like it because it pays me well (ну, она мне нравится, потому что приносит мне хорошие деньги: «платит мне хорошо»), so that's the good part (поэтому это хорошая часть = это плюс, достоинство). But if it didn't pay so well (но если бы она не «платила» так хорошо), I'd quit! (я бы ушел; to quit – оставлять, покидать; увольняться, бросать работу) That would be better! (это было бы лучше)"

An industrial expert went around asking different people, " What do you like best about your job? "

" The good pay, " one factory worker replied.

" What do you like least about your job? " asked the expert.

" The good pay, " he said again.

The expert was surprised. " What do you mean? You like it the best and you like it the least? "

" Well, I like it because it pays me well, so that's the good part. But if it didn't pay so well, I'd quit! That would be better! "

What do you like best about your job?

What do you mean?

So that's the good part.

That would be better!

A newspaper was running a competition (газета проводила соревнование) to discover (чтобы выявить: «открыть») the most high principled (самого высокопринципиального), sober (здравомыслящего: «трезвого»), well-behaved (добропорядочного: to behave well – вести себя хорошо) citizen (гражданина ['sı tı zn]). Among the entries came one which read (среди заявок пришла одна /to come-came-come/, которая гласила: «читала» /to read [ri: d]-read [red]-read [red]/):

" I don't smoke (я не курю), touch intoxicants (не употребляю спиртные напитки; to touch – трогать, прикасаться) or gamble (не играю в азартные игры). I am faithful to my wife (я верен своей жене) and never look at another woman (и никогда не смотрю на другую женщину). I am hard working (я много работающий), quiet (спокойный) and obedient (послушный; obedient [∂ `bi: dj∂ nt]). I never go to the movies or the theater (я никогда не хожу в кино или в театр), and I go to bed early (и ложусь спать: «иду в постель» рано) every night (каждый вечер) and rise with the dawn (и поднимаюсь с зарей). I attend chapel regularly every Sunday (посещаю церковь каждое воскресенье) without fail (обязательно: «без недостатка = без пропуска»; to fail – потерпеть неудачу; обманывать ожидания, не удаваться; недоставать, не хватать).

" I've been like this for the past three years (я был таким: «подобно этому» последние три года). But just wait until next spring (но подождите только до следующей весны), when they let me out of here! (когда они меня отсюда выпустят)"

A newspaper was running a competition to discover the most high principled, sober, well-behaved citizen. Among the entries came one which read:

" I don't smoke, touch intoxicants or gamble. I am faithful to my wife and never look at another woman. I am hard working, quiet and obedient. I never go to the movies or the theater, and I go to bed early every night and rise with the dawn. I attend chapel regularly every Sunday without fail.

" I've been like this for the past three years. But just wait until next spring, when they let me out of here! "

I never go to the movies.

Arriving for a visit (приехав в гости), the woman asked her small granddaughter (женщина спросила свою маленькую внучку), " Megan, how do you like your new baby brother? (Меган, как тебе нравится твой новый малыш-братик)"

" Oh, he's all right (он классный: «в порядке»), " the child shrugged (ребенок пожал /плечами/). " But there were a lot of things we needed worse (но было много вещей, в которых мы нуждались больше; worse – хуже). "

Arriving for a visit, the woman asked her small granddaughter, " Megan, how do you like your new baby brother? "

" Oh, he's all right, " the child shrugged. " But there were a lot of things we needed worse. "

Oh, he's all right.

But there were a lot of things we needed worse.

" Hello there (здорó во: «привет тут»)", said the vacuum cleaner salesman (продавец пылесоса; to clean – чистить; clean – чистый) to the little girl (маленькой девочке) who answered the door (которая открыла дверь; to answer – отвечать). " Would you like to buy a vacuum cleaner? (не хотите ли купить пылесос) Watch this! (посмотри на это)" Pushing his way into the house (протиснувшись в дом: to push – толкать; way – путь), the salesman proceeded to dump a pile of lint (начал с того, что перевернул кучку пуха; to proceed – приняться, приступить; dump – свалка, груда хлама; to dump – сбрасывать, сваливать /мусор/; pile – куча, груда; lint – корпия) and coffee grounds onto the shag carpet (и кофейную гущу на ворсистый ковер).

" If this vacuum doesn't clean this mess right up (если не вычистит эту грязь немедленно), " he boasted (похвастался) with a big smile (с широкой улыбкой), " why… («ну, тогда»…) I'll eat it right up (я это прямо возьму и съем). "

At this, the little girl turned and left the room (при этом девочка повернулась и вышла из комнаты /to leave-left-left – оставлять, покидать/).

" Where you going, kid? (куда ты идешь, малышка)" called the salesman (позвал продавец). " To find your mom? (найти свою маму, за мамой)"

" Nope (нет, не-а), " answered (ответила) the little girl from the doorway (из дверного проема = уже в дверях), " I'm getting a plate and a spoon... (я возьму тарелку и ложку, я иду за тарелкой и ложкой) 'cause we don't have any electricity! (потому что /because/ у нас вовсе нет электричества)"

" Hello there, " said the vacuum cleaner salesman to the little girl who answered the door. " Would you like to buy a vacuum cleaner? Watch this! " Pushing his way into the house, the salesman proceeded to dump a pile of lint and coffee grounds out onto the shag carpet.

" If this vacuum doesn't clean this mess right up, " he boasted with a big smile, " why… I'll eat it right up. "

At this, the little girl turned and left the room.

" Where you going, kid? " called the salesman. " To find your mom? "

" Nope, " answered the little girl from the doorway, " I'm getting a plate and a spoon... 'cause we don't have any electricity! "

Watch this!

I'm getting a plate and a spoon.

A grade school teacher (учительница начальной школы) was asking students (спрашивала учеников) what their parents did for a living (что их родители делают для «проживания» = чем они зарабатывают на жизнь). " Tim, you be first (Тим, ты будь = будешь первым), " she said. " What does your mother do all day? (что твоя мама делает весь день = чем она занята)"

Tim stood up and proudly said (Тим поднялся и гордо сказал /to stand-stood-stood/), " She's a doctor (она доктор). "

" That's wonderful (это чудесно). How about you, Amie? (а у тебя, Эми)"

Amie shyly (застенчиво) stood up, scuffed her feet (повозила ногами) and said, " My father is a mailman (мой отец почтальон). "

" Thank you, Amie, " said the teacher. " What about your father (а как насчет твоего отца), Billy? "

Billy proudly stood up and announced (объявил; announce [∂ `nauns]), " My daddy plays piano (мой папа играет на пианино) in a whorehouse (в борделе; whore – проститутка). "

The teacher was aghast (ошеломлена; aghast – пораженный ужасом, ошеломленный [∂ `ga: st]) and promptly (быстро, тут же) changed the subject to geography (переменила тему на географию). Later that day (позже в тот же день) she went to Billy's house and rang the bell (позвонила в звонок /to ring-rang-rung/).

Billy's father answered the door (открыл дверь; to answer – отвечать). The teacher explained (разъяснила, сообщила) what his son had said (что сказал его сын) and demanded an explanation (и потребовала объяснения).

Billy's father said, " I'm actually an attorney (на самом деле я адвокат). How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old? (как бы я объяснил это: «как могу я объяснить подобную вещь» семилетнему /ребенку/)"

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. " Tim, you be first, " she said. " What does your mother do all day? "

Tim stood up and proudly said, " She's a doctor. "

" That's wonderful. How about you, Amie? "

Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, " My father is a mailman. "

" Thank you, Amie, " said the teacher. " What about your father, Billy? "

Billy proudly stood up and announced, " My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse. "

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell.

Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.

Billy's father said, " I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old? "

You be first!

How about you?

Answer the door, please!

The saleswoman (продавщица; to sale – продавать) watched as a teen-ager twirled in front of the mirror (наблюдала, как тинэйджер вертится перед зеркалом).

" I adore this dress! (я обожаю = мне очень нравится это платье)" bubbled the girl (пробормотала /восторженно/ девочка, вырвалось у девочки; bubble – пузырь; to bubble – пузыриться, кипеть; бить ключом). " It's absolutely perfect! (оно совершенно замечательное) I'll take it! (я его возьму)"

Then the young shopper paused thoughtfully (затем молоденькая покупательница остановилась, помолчала задумчиво), " But in case my mother likes it (но в том случае, если оно понравится моей маме), can I bring it back? (могу я его вернуть)"

The saleswoman watched as a teen-ager twirled in front of the mirror.

" I adore this dress! " bubbled the girl. " It's absolutely perfect! I'll take it! "

Then the young shopper paused thoughtfully, " But in case my mother likes it, can I bring it back? "

I adore this dress!

I'll take it!

A guy from Georgia (парень из Джорджии) enrolled at Harvard (поступил в Гарвардский университет: to enroll – вносить в список, зачислять, записывать/ся/ [ı n`r∂ ul]; roll – свиток, сверток; реестр, каталог) and on his first day (и в свой первый день) he was walking across the campus (он прогуливался по территории университета) and asked an upperclassman (и спросил старшекурсника), drawling heavily (сильно растягивая слова), " Excuse me, can you tell me where the library is at? (вы не могли бы мне сказать, где расположена библиотека /с предлогом at эта фраза звучит несколько просторечно/)"

The upperclassman responded (ответил), " At Harvard we do not end sentences with prepositions (в Гарварде мы не заканчиваем предложения предлогами). "

The Georgian then replied, " Well then (ну тогда), could you tell me (не мог бы ты мне сказать) where the library is at, asshole? (придурок: asshole – задний проход: ass – задница + hole – дырка)"

A guy from Georgia enrolled at Harvard and on his first day he was walking across the campus and asked an upperclassman (drawling heavily), " Excuse me, can you tell me where the library is at? "

The upperclassman responded, " At Harvard we do not end sentences with prepositions. "

The Georgian then replied, " Well then, could you tell me where the library is at, asshole? "

The youngest son (младший сын) of a great Indian chief (великого индейского вождя) went to his father and asked (пришел к отцу и спросил), " Oh father, how did you choose the names for your three children? (как ты выбрал имена для своих троих детей)"

The great chief replied, " My son, when your older brother was born (когда твой старший брат родился), the first sight I saw (первое, что я увидел: «первый вид, зрелище» /to see-saw-seen/) after the moment of his birth (после момента его рождения) was a bear running through the woods (был медведь, бегущий по лесу); so I named him running-bear (и так я назвал его Бегущий Медведь). The morning your sister was born (в то утро, когда твоя сестра была рождена), the first sight I saw was a beautiful star (прекрасная звезда), so I named her morning-star (Утренняя Звезда). But why do you ask me such a question (но почему ты задаешь мне такой вопрос), two-dogs-fucking? (Две-Трахающиеся-Собаки)"

The youngest son of a great Indian chief went to his father and asked, " Oh father, how did you choose the names for your three children? "

The great chief replied, " My son, when your older brother was born, the first sight I saw after the moment of his birth was a bear running through the woods; so I named him running-bear. The morning your sister was born, the first sight I saw was a beautiful star, so I named her morning-star. But why do you ask me such a question, two-dogs-fucking? "

But why do you ask me such a question?

A black family went to the zoo (семья чернокожих пришла в зоопарк) and stopped in front of the cage with the elephant (и остановились перед клеткой со слоном). The young son (маленький сын) asked his mother, " Mama, what's that thing hangin' off dat (= that) elephant? (мама, что это за вещь, которая болтается у того слона)"

" That's his tail, son (это его хвост, сынок). "

" No, mama, dat other thing! (это другая штука)"

" Oh, that's his trunk, son (о, это его хобот, сынок). "

" No, mama, dat other thing between his legs! (между его ногами)"

" Uh, that's nothin' (= nothing - о, это ничего), " replies the mother.

Undaunted (не смутившись; to daunt – укрощать, устрашать; undaunted – неустрашимый), the boy asks his father, " Daddy, daddy, what's dat thing hangin' off dat elephant? "

" That's his tail, son. "

" No, daddy, dat other thing! "

" That's his trunk, son. "

" No daddy, dat other thing between his legs! "

" Oh, that's his penis, son. "

" Well, I asked mama and she said it was nothing! (а я спросил маму, и она сказала, что это ничего, ерунда)"

" Son, " replied the father, " I spoiled that woman! (я избаловал эту женщину)"

A black family went to the zoo and the cage with the elephant. The young son asked his mother, " Mama, what's that thing hangin' off dat elephant? "

" That's his tail, son. "

" No, mama, dat other thing! "

" Oh, that's his trunk, son. "

" No, mama, dat other thing between his legs! "

" Uh, that's nothin', " replies the mother.

Undaunted, the boy asks his father, " Daddy, daddy, what's dat thing hangin' off dat elephant? "

" That's his tail, son. "

" No, daddy, dat other thing! "

" That's his trunk, son. "

" No daddy, dat other thing between his legs! "

" Oh, that's his penis, son. "

" Well, I asked mama and she said it was nothin'! "

" Son, " replied the father, " I spoiled that woman! "

I spoiled that woman!

A woman wanted a divorce (женщина хотела развода). She went to the courthouse (она пришла в суд; court – двор /короля/; суд) and appeared before the judge (и предстала: «появилась» перед судьей).

The judge reviewed her petition and asked (судья просмотрел ее прошение и спросил), " Do you have grounds? (у вас есть основания)"

The woman looked at him quizzically (пытливо, с недоумением; to quiz – смотреть насмешливо или с любопытством /уст. /) and said, " Grounds? Well, yes, your Honor (ваша Честь), we do have about an acre and a half (у нас что-то около полутора акров: «акр и половина» /слово «ground» имеет несколько значений, здесь: 1) основание, повод 2) земля/). "

" No, " said the judge, " What I mean is, do you have a grudge? (я имею в виду, вы испытываете недовольство; to have a grudge against somebody – иметь «зуб» на кого-либо)"

The bewildered (сбитая с толку) woman replied, " No, we just have a carport (нет, у нас стоянка /слова grudge (недовольство) и garage (гараж) похожи по звучанию/). "

The judge was becoming frustrated (начал нервничать). " You're not getting the point (вы не понимаете смысла /вопроса/: «не получаете, не схватываете суть»), " he said. " Does he beat you up? (он с вами плохо обращается, бьет вас; to beat – бить; побеждать; to beat up – избивать, обходиться со зверской жестокостью)"

The woman replied, " Oh, no I'm up at 6: 30 (я встаю, уже на ногах в 6. 30) and he doesn't get up until 7: 00 (а он не поднимается до семи). "

The judge was exasperated (был рассержен, выведен из себя). He looked at the woman and asked: " Look, lady, why are you here? (послушайте, леди, зачем вы здесь) What reason do you have for wanting a divorce? (какая причина у вас есть, чтобы желать развода)"

The woman replied, " Because my husband and I have a communication problem (потому что у моего мужа и у меня есть проблема с общением = мы плохо понимаем друг друга). "

A woman wanted a divorce. She went to the courthouse and appeared before the judge.

The judge reviewed her petition and asked, " Do you have grounds? "

The woman looked at him quizzically and said, " Grounds? Well, yes, your Honor, we do have about an acre and a half. "

" No, " said the judge, " What I mean is, do you have a grudge? "

The bewildered woman replied, " No, we just have a carport. "

The judge was becoming frustrated. " You're not getting the point, " he said. " Does he beat you up? "

The woman replied, " Oh, no I'm up at 6: 30 and he doesn't get up until 7: 00. "

The judge was exasperated. He looked at the woman and asked: " Look, lady, why are you here? What reason do you have for wanting a divorce? "

The woman replied, " Because my husband and I have a communication problem. "

You're not getting the point.

My dentist told me (мой зубной врач сказал мне /to tell-told-told/) he had good news and bad news (что у него есть хорошая новость и плохая).

I said, " Give me the bad news first (давайте плохую новость первой). Maybe (может быть) the good news will cheer me up (меня утешит, ободрит; to cheer – привествовать громкими возгласами; ободрять). "

" Well, you need a root canal (вам нужен «корневой канал»), " he started, " and complete lower bridgework (полный нижний мост). It's going to cost about $3, 000 (это будет стоить около 3000$). "

" Ouch! " I exclaimed (воскликнул). " What's the good news? "

" The good news, " he beamed (улыбнулся; beam – луч; to beam – сиять; лучезарно улыбаться), " is that I shot a hole-in-one yesterday (что я загнал мяч в лунку вчера /hole-in-one – высший результат при игре в гольф/; hole – дырка /to shoot-shot-shot – стрелять; попадать/). "

My dentist told me he had good news and bad news.

I said, " Give me the bad news first. Maybe the good news will cheer me up. "

" Well, you need a root canal, " he started, " and complete lower bridgework. It's going to cost about $3, 000. "

" Ouch! " I exclaimed. " What's the good news? "

" The good news, " he beamed, " is that I shot a hole-in-one yesterday. "

Mildred came back (вернулась) from her annual check up (после своего ежегодного осмотра; to check up – проверять) with her doctor (у врача) in an unusually good mood (в непривычно хорошем настроении; usual – обычный), and her husband (ее супруг) asked her what had made her day (спросил ее, что ее так обрадовало: «сделало ее день»).

Mildred said, " The doctor told me (доктор сказал мне) that I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old (что у меня груди восемнадцатилетней). "

To which her husband responded (на что ее муж ответил), " What did he say about your forty-six-year-old ass? (а что он сказал о твоей сорокашестилетней заднице)"

Milly retorted (парировала), " He didn't say a word about you! (он не сказал ни слова о тебе)"

Mildred came back from her annual check up with her doctor in an unusually good mood, and her husband asked her what had made her day.

Mildred said, " The doctor told me that I have the breasts of an eighteen year old. "

To which her husband responded, " What did he say about your forty-six year old ass? "

Milly retorted, " He didn't say a word about you! "

What has made your day?

The musician finally finished a new song (музыкант наконец закончил новую песню), but no one buys it (но никто не покупает ее). He was telling another musician about it (он рассказывал другому музыканту об этом), and the other guy said, " Let me hear it (дай мне ее послушать = сыграй-ка)".

The first guy went to the piano (подошел к фортепиано) and played a wonderful tune (и сыграл чудесную мелодию). When he finished (когда он закончил), the second (второй) guy said, " That's a wonderful tune! I don't see (я не понимаю: «не вижу») why no one buys it (почему ее никто не покупает). What do you call it? (как ты ее называешь = назвал)"

The first man says, " I love you so goddam much I gotta shit (я люблю тебя так чертовски сильно: «много», что могу: «мне нужно, хочется» обкакаться; gotta = got to). "

The musician finally finished a new song, but no one buys it. He was telling another musician about it, and the other guy said, " Let me hear it".

The first guy went to the piano and played a wonderful tune. When he finished, the second guy said, " That's a wonderful tune! I don't see why no one will buy it. What do you call it? "

The first man says, " I love you so goddam much I gotta shit. "

Let me hear it.

I don't see why no one will buy it.

I love you so goddam much I gotta shit.

A crusty (угрюмый; crust – корка /хлеба/) old man (старик) walks into a bank (приходит в банк) and says to the teller at the window (кассирше в окошке), " I want to open (я хочу открыть) a damn checking account (чертов /чековый/ счет). "

The astonished (удивленная) woman replies, " I beg your pardon (прошу прощения), sir. I must have misunderstood you (должно быть, я вас не поняла: «неверно поняла»). What did you say? (что вы сказали)"

" Listen up, damn it (послушай, черт побери: «проклятье»; to damn it – проклясть это). I said I want to open a damn checking account now! (сейчас = сейчас же)"

" I'm very sorry (очень извиняюсь) sir, but that kind of language (но подобный язык: «такая разновидность языка») is not tolerated in this bank (недопустим: «не терпится» в этом банке). "

The teller leaves (кассир покидает) the window and goes over (проходит) to the bank manager to inform him of her situation (объяснить ему свою ситуацию). The manager agrees (соглашается) that the teller does not have to listen to foul language (не должна слушать непристойный язык; foul – грязный; непристойный).

They both return to the window (они оба возвращаются к окошку) and the manager asks the old geezer (менеджер спрашивает старого чудика), " Sir, what seems to be the problem here? (что за проблема здесь: «что кажется быть проблемой здесь»)"

" There is no damn problem (да никакой чертовой проблемы), " the man says. " I just won 50 million bucks (просто я выиграл 50 миллионов баксов /to win-won-won/) in the damn lottery (в чертову лотерею) and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank (и я хочу открыть чертов счет в этом проклятом банке), okay? "

" I see (понимаю: «вижу»), " says the manager, " and this bitch is giving you a hard time? (и эта сука вас достает: «дает вам трудное время»)"

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, " I want to open a damn checking account. "

The astonished woman replies, " I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say? "

" Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account now! "

" I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank. " The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to foul language.

They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, " Sir, what seems to be the problem here? "

" There is no damn problem, " the man says. " I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank, okay? "

" I see, " says the manager, " and this bitch is giving you a hard time? "

I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you.

I’m very sorry.

Sir, what seems to be the problem here?

I see, and this bitch is giving you a hard time?

Two retired banking colleagues (двое вышедших на пенсию банковских коллег), Harry and John, were enjoying a few martinis over lunch (наслаждались несколькими бокалами мартини во время обеда) when John suddenly mused (когда Джон вдруг задумался), " You know, when I was thirty (знаешь, когда мне было тридцать), my erection was so hard (жесткой, твердой, крепкой) that I could grip it with both hands (что я мог захватить, сжать обеими руками) and not be able to bend it (и не был в состоянии нагнуть). "

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