More Maths

Quasar took the seat beside the Prince that Shaiana had vacated.

‘Quasar, geeza, ’ Quasar said cheerfully.

‘The Prince of Wales, ’ His Royal Highness replied.

‘The fresh Prince of Wales. Wicked! You Welsh then? ’

‘Well, not really, no. . . you don’t really need to be from Wales to be prince of it. Isn’t that an extraordinary thing? It’s like my mother is Queen of Australia. I always laugh when I think of that, because she’s not a bit like any Australians I’ve ever met. Lovely people, of course. So down to earth. Don’t you think? ’

The Quasar smiled a broad smile.

‘Oh, I gets it, yeah, babes, ’ he said. ‘You is doing the whole lookee-likee thing. Wicked! West side! Ouch! Is you with an agency, geeza? ’

‘Well, no, I don’t suppose I am really. I sort of bumble along on my own. ’

‘Geeza, you is insane! There is big bucks in the lookee-likee biz, parties, singing telegrams. I ’as a babe who is a Jennifer Lopez, don’ look a bit lak ’er ’cept for ’er big bum but she makes a shitloada money anyways! ’

Clearly the Prince had not the faintest idea what his companion was talking about but decades of experience of one-sided communications through which he had smiled and nodded had taught him to change tack rather than probe too far.

‘One simply has to be so careful, ’ he often observed to his wife. ‘You only have to ask someone how nylon is actually made or what Hip Hop actually is and you can be there for days. ’

The Prince looked about him for a moment before observing: ‘That was quite a show you put on there for the camera, young man. ’

‘Well, you gotta big it up, geeza, innit? ’ Quasar responded with a wide grin. ‘I reckon we is in, I mean I reckon we is through, which is well ’ard. You know wot I’m saying? ’

‘Uhm, not entirely, no. ’

‘They’s filming us, right? Like, you know, on our first day, man. ’

‘Yes? ’ the Prince enquired. ‘But surely that’s the purpose of the exercise, to cover the selection process – or perhaps I’m getting the wrong end of the stick. ’

‘Geeza, check it out. There is ’undreds of us here, right? An’ we is all here for our auditions, right? But they is only filming a few of us in the queue, innit? ’

A few metres away they could see Shaiana. She had been placed in front of a small group of applicants and this time she was singing ‘Will You Love Me Tomorrow’ while the people around her were being encouraged to clap along supportively.

‘Well, I suppose it’s inevitable that they can only film a few of us, Mr Quasar, ’ the Prince observed politely. ‘They could not possibly cover everybody, there must be five hundred people here. One presumes they simply get what they can. ’

‘You is crazy, geeza! What you talkin’ ’bout? ’ Quasar grinned. ‘In’t you seen the show, man? ’

‘Uhm, well, actually no. . . I thought I had but that was the X Factor. ’

‘Where ’as you bin, geeza! That is so last year, babe! Chart Throb is where it’s at an’ you ain’ sin it? ’

‘I know, it’s awful of me, isn’t it? I am a dunce. Apparently it’s being repeated on UK Gold too. I asked my equerry to tape an episode but he can’t work our Sky Plus any better than I can and the memsahib’s no help because she says she’d ban all television tomorrow if it was up to her. ’

‘Well, if you ’ad sin it, geeza, you would be hip to the fac’ that all the people who gets put through to Pop School ’as already bin seen in the queue, man! We seen ’em from the start. Like last year, the geeza what won the fucking final, man, he was there on the first show! He was there in the crowd saying ’e was gonna rock Calvin’s ass, right? Even though he was still only in the queue for ’is first audition! ’

‘Uhm. . . I’m not sure I follow the point you’re making, Mr Quasar. If there is a point? I mean it doesn’t matter at all if there isn’t. . . ’

‘That is the point, geeza! They ain’t filming everybody in the queue, is they? They ain’t even picking out one in fifty. How could they, guy? We’d be here till we was dead! But when Calvin an’ Beryl and that other prick choose the people what is goin’ through to the next round they’s always already been seen in the queue, right? They’s got shots of them right from the fucking car park, guy! On day one! Think about it, geeza. How would they know to film them if they ’adn’t already chosen ’em? We ’as bin picked! We is looking good. ’

The Prince of Wales had been privately educated at great expense and had then gone to Cambridge, while Quasar had left school at sixteen without qualifications in order to become an exotic dancer. ButitwasQuasarwhohaddonethemaths.

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