Chapter 36

Chapter 36

Slowly, Casteel turned to me.

“It was the truth when I said you were the first thing I’d ever truly chosen for myself. It’s also true that I chose you when you were just Hawke, and it’s not just because you were the first person to ever really see me. That had something to do with it, of course, but if I wanted to experience pretty words or pleasure, I could’ve donned the mask once more and went back to the Red Pearl. I…I wanted you.” My cheeks heated, but I continued. “It was true that I had already begun to suspect the Ascended, and whether I could be the Maiden. And I chose you because you made me feel like I was someone, that I was a person and not merely an object. You saw me and accepted me, but what you don’t know is that the night I asked you to stay with me, I had already left behind the veil. I’d made my choice. I wanted to find a way to be with you even though I had no idea if you wanted that. And if you didn’t, it would’ve…it would’ve hurt, but I was no longer the Maiden. I fell for you when you were Hawke, and I kept falling for you when you became Casteel.”

His eyes widened.

“And I couldn’t understand how I kept falling for you. I was so angry with you—with myself for not seeing the truth. And it felt like a betrayal to Vikter and Rylan, the others. And myself.”

His chest rose with a heavy breath. “And you still feel that way? Like it’s a betrayal to keep falling for me?” He took a step and then another toward me before stopping. “If so, I understand, Poppy. Some things can’t—”

“Some things can’t be forgotten or forgiven,” I said, rubbing my damp hands over my knees. “But I think I realized, or have come to accept, that even then, some things can’t be changed or stopped. That they still matter but don’t. That those emotions are powerful, but not as strong as others. That what I felt for you had nothing to do with what you did or didn’t do. It had nothing to do with Vikter or anyone else. And acknowledging that felt like permission to…to feel. And that scared me.”

I placed my hand against my chest. “It still terrifies me because I have never felt this way about anyone, and I know…I know it has nothing to do with you being my first or there being, well, limited options in my life. It’s you. It’s me. It’s us. What I feel? Like how I want to take your pain away and yet throttle you at the same moment? How your stupid dimples are infuriating, but I look for them every time you smile because I know that’s a real smile. I don’t know why I look forward to arguing with you, but I do. You’re clever, and you are kinder than even you realize—even though I know you have earned the title of the Dark One. You are a puzzle I want to figure out, but at the same time, don’t. And when I realized you have so many masks—so many layers, I kept wanting to peel them back, even though I fear it will only hurt more in the end.”

I shook my head as I curled my fingers around the collar of my tunic. “I don’t understand any of this. Like how do I want to stab you and kiss you at the same time? And I know you said that I deserve to be with someone who didn’t kidnap me, or someone I don’t want to stab—”

“Forget I said that,” he said, closer to me when I looked up. “I have no idea what I was talking about. Maybe I didn’t even say that.”

My lips twitched. “You totally said that.”

“You’re right. I did. Forget it.” His eyes searched mine. “Tell me why this terrifies you. Please?”

My breath snagged. “Because you…you could break my heart again. And what we’re doing? It’s bigger than us, and even your brother. You have to know that. We could actually change things. Not just for your people, but also for the people of Solis.”

“I know that,” he whispered, his chest rising and falling rapidly, his eyes luminous.

“And things are already complicated and messy, and acknowledging what I want—what I feel—just makes it all the more complicated and scary. Because this time…” Tears burned the back of my throat. “This time, I don’t know how I will get over that. I know that probably makes me sound weak and immature or whatever, but it’s just something I know.”

“It’s not weak.” Casteel came forward, but he didn’t stand there. He didn’t sit beside me. He lowered himself to his knees in front of me. “Your heart, Poppy? It is a gift I do not deserve.” He placed his hands on my knees as he lifted his gaze to mine. “But it is one I will protect until my dying breath. I don’t know what that means.” He stopped, curling his fingers into the leggings, into my skin. “Okay. Fuck. I do know what that means. It’s why I’m in awe of everything you say or do—everything you are. It’s why you’re the first thing I think about when I wake and the last thought I have when I fall asleep, replacing everything else. It’s why when I’m with you, I can be quiet. I can just be. You know what that means.”

He took one of my hands and pressed it to his chest—his heart. “Tell me what that means. Please.”

Please.

Twice in one conversation he’d said that, a word that didn’t pass his lips often. And how could I refuse?

I didn’t just focus on him to get what I was now learning was a cursory reading of his emotions. I opened myself, forming the invisible tether to him and what he felt. It came back to me in a rush, and it was shocking.

Not the heavy and thick-like-cream feel of concern. He worried—about what was going to happen to his brother, his kingdom, to me. It wasn’t the cool splash of surprise that made me think he didn’t quite believe this conversation. The tangy, almost bitter taste of sadness was minimal, and the only time his agony hadn’t been raw and nearly overpowering was when I’d taken his pain from him. That surprised me, yes, but what shocked me more was the sweetness on the tip of my tongue.

“Do you feel that?” he asked. “What does it feel like?”

“Like…it reminds me of chocolate and berries.” I blinked back tears. “Berries—strawberries? I’ve felt that from Vikter—from Ian and my parents. But I’ve never felt it like this—like it’s more decadent somehow.”

And I thought I knew what it was. It was the emotion behind the long looks and the seeking touches. The feeling behind the way his arm always tightened around me when we rode together and why he was always messing with my hair. It was the emotion that drove him to draw that line he wouldn’t cross with me. It was why he wouldn’t use compulsion, and it was what allowed him to want to protect me but demanded that he allow me to protect myself. It was how when he was with me, he didn’t think of his kingdom, his brother, or the time he’d been a captive.

And it was one of many things forbidden to me as the Maiden.

It was love.

“Don’t cry.” He lifted my hand to his mouth and kissed the center of my palm.

“I’m not crying. I’m not sad,” I told him, and he grinned. The stupid dimple in his right cheek appeared. “I hate that stupid dimple.”

“You know what I think?” He kissed the tip of my finger.

“I don’t care.”

The dimple in his left cheek appeared. “I think you feel the exact opposite when it comes to my stupid dimples.”

He was right, and I shuddered.

Casteel let go of my hands and stretched up, cupping my cheeks. He leaned in, pressing his forehead to mine, and I swore I felt his hands tremble. “Always,” he whispered in the breath we shared. “Your heart was always safe with me. It always will be. There is nothing I will protect more fiercely or with more devotion, Poppy. Trust in that—in what you feel from me. In me.”

Trust.

As Casteel, he’d never asked me to trust him. He knew how fragile that was. One crack could bring it all down.

But I knew what I felt.

I nodded. “I don’t want to pretend anymore.”

“Neither do I.”

“I…I don’t know what that means for us,” I whispered. “Your people and your parents…they don’t trust me. You’re basically the closest thing to immortal there is, and I’m…my lifespan is a blink. What do we do now?”

“We don’t worry about my people or my parents or our lifespans. Not right now. Not even later. We take this day by day. This is new to you, and in a way, it’s new to me. Let’s make a deal.”

“You and your deals.”

His lips curved into a smile against mine. “Let’s make a deal that we don’t borrow tomorrow’s problems today.”

Tomorrow always came soon enough, but I nodded. Because in the same breath, tomorrow wasn’t today’s problem. “I can agree to that.”

“Good.” He drew back, and I thought there was a sheen to his eyes. “If we’re going to do this, for real, then I feel like I need to make amends. And I know the list of things I should apologize for is long, but I think I should start with this.” He moved then, rising so he was on one knee before me.

My heart hadn’t stopped racing and swelling from the moment we started to really talk. But now, it beat so fast, I didn’t know how I didn’t pass out. He took my hand, and I wondered if he could feel it trembling.

He could.

Casteel folded both hands around mine, steadying my hand. “Penellaphe Balfour?” He stared up at me, and there was no teasing glint to his eyes, no smirk to his lips. No mask. Just him. Casteel Hawkethrone Da’Neer. “Will you do me the honor of allowing me to one day become worthy of you? Will you marry me? Today?”

“Yes. I will give you the honor of becoming my husband, because you’re already worthy of me.”

Casteel’s eyes closed as he shuddered.

“I will marry you.” I dipped down, kissing his forehead. “Today.”

It was like nothing and everything changed after I accepted Casteel’s proposal.

I stood in the bathing chamber, skin mostly dry as I tied the sash on the robe. A pink flush stained my cheeks, and there was a near feverish brightness to my eyes.

It was strange, the nervous flutter in my chest and stomach. Marrying Casteel wasn’t something new, but it was real now, and that changed everything.

What was also strange was the unexpected feeling of lightness, as if a tremendous, suffocating weight had been lifted from me. I hadn’t expected that. I’d thought more guilt would settle on me after admitting what I felt to Casteel. Instead, the guilt and the feeling that I was betraying others and myself had left me.

As I dragged the brush through my drying hair, I realized the guilt had actually left me in the cavern. I just hadn’t realized it.

And even though a lot of unknown still faced us—the encroaching Ascended and what felt like the first act in a war that hadn’t been decreed yet. How Casteel’s parents would respond to the news of his marriage, and if his people would ever accept me. His brother and mine, and the whole biological differences between us that would one day become an issue, gods willing, when I aged and he barely showed signs of the passing decades—I was going to do exactly what Casteel had said.

We wouldn’t borrow from tomorrow’s problems. Or even the problems we could very well face in a handful of hours. Because I was about to marry the man I’d fallen in love with.

The man I knew felt the same, even if he hadn’t spoken the words.

I was happy.

I was scared.

I was hopeful.

I was excited.

And all of those emotions were real.

A knock on the main door drew me from the bathroom. I opened it to find Vonetta waiting, a splash of red draped over one arm and holding a small pouch in the other.

“I hear there’s going to be a wedding today,” Vonetta announced as she swept into the room. “One that Kieran is going to be so irritated he’s not here for.”

“I sort of, kind of, wish he was too. Not that I’ll ever admit that to him,” I said, and she laughed. Closing the door, I followed her into the bedroom. “It doesn’t seem right that he’s not here when Casteel marries.”

“It does feel weird, but I’m relieved. Not that he’s missing the wedding.” She looked over her shoulder at me as she laid what turned out to be a gown across the chaise. “But because he won’t be here later.”

“I know.”

“Casteel is…he has a good heart. What he did by sending Kieran away? They’re bonded, and I…I don’t know if anyone else would’ve done that.”

“He does have a good heart,” I agreed, feeling my cheeks flush. Vocally complimenting Casteel wasn’t something I did often.

A smile appeared as she turned back to the gown, straightening the skirt. “Anyway, Kieran is probably glad he’s not here for the actual ceremony part.”

My heart skipped a beat. I knew very little about an Atlantian wedding ceremony. The ones in Solis sometimes lasted days. The bride would cut her hair, and there was bathing in water anointed by the Priestesses and Priests. There were no vows, but many feasts. A particular part always came to mind when I thought of the Atlantians. “Can I ask you something?”

“Ask away.” Vonetta faced me.

“I learned about the Joining a few days ago.” I fiddled with the sash on my robe. “Casteel said it’s not something that’s done often, but is it something the wolven would expect? Or the Atlantians?”

“It really depends on the parties involved. Sometimes, the blood exchange is done, and other times it’s not. But the choice to do so gives the impression of there being a stronger…well, for lack of a better word, bond.” She shrugged, and I couldn’t help but notice that she didn’t appear weirded out, nor did she speak about it as if it were something sexual or shameful. “It doesn’t always happen at the wedding. I’ve known it to occur before and after.”

I nodded.

“But I don’t think anyone expects you to do that,” she added quickly.

My brows pinched. “Why?”

She studied me for a moment and then said, “You’re not full-blooded Atlantian. There’s never been a Joining with one who has mortal blood.”

“Because it extends the life of the mortal?” I asked.

“I imagine that has something to do with it. And it’s not often a bonded Atlantian of an elemental line marries one with mortal blood. It’s not forbidden like the act of Ascending is,” she said, referencing the making of a vampry. “It simply hasn’t been done.”

I didn’t know what to think of that. If the Joining extended my lifespan, that could resolve at least one of tomorrow’s problems, but I wasn’t sure how I felt about tying my life to another’s or even the idea of living that long.

“Anyway, Casteel stopped by when he was looking for my father and asked if I had anything that would be deserving of a Princess to wear to her wedding. I told him no. That all I owned was deserving of a Queen,” she replied, and I grinned at that. “Brides in Atlantia typically wear a veil of red or yellow to ward off evil spirits and bad blessings, but he mentioned that the veil would be a no-go.”

Gods…

That was incredibly thoughtful.

“So I thought the red gown would be perfect. And it should fit, with the exception of being a bit on the long side, so just don’t run around in it.”

“I’ll try not to.”

She picked it up, handing it to me. “Underneath is a red slip. Just basic. You should get changed. I have a feeling they’ll be here soon.”

The flutter in my chest increased until it felt like a nest of a dozen birds had taken flight while Vonetta went into the living room. I quickly dressed, donning the silky slip that barely reached my thighs and then stepped into the loosely draped gown of silk and chiffon. Gathered at the waist and form-fitting through the bust, it reminded me of the gown I’d worn the night of the Rite. The skirt of the dress was sheer to the thigh, forming two gauzy panels, and delicate golden thread was woven throughout the entire dress, stitched to form delicate vines. The neckline was looser than the rest of the bodice and the straps were fitted so they lay just off the shoulders. There was no hiding the scars in this kind of dress, but I…I was done hiding them anyway.

“The gown is beautiful,” I called out. A moment later, Vonetta returned.

She smiled when she saw me. “Definitely no running, though.”

I looked down to where the dress formed a crimson puddle against the tile. “Definitely not.”

“Come. Sit. Let me see if I can do something with your hair,” she said, tossing the pouch. “Just hold onto this.”

Catching the pouch, I found it surprisingly weighty. I sat on the chaise, wondering what was in it while Vonetta retrieved the brush and an army of pins from the bathing chamber.

“I thought I had a lot of hair,” she said, gathering the sides of my hair. “But damn, you almost have me beat.”

Running my fingers over the velvety pouch, I thought of Tawny. “A friend of mine would sometimes help me braid it. Not braids like yours, but a couple that she would then twist into a knot so my hair wouldn’t be visible under the veil.”

“Your friend? Is she back in Solis?” she asked after a couple of moments.

“Yes. Her name is Tawny. You would like her, and she would love you. She’s a second daughter—meaning she is destined to Ascend,” I explained as she twisted and plaited the sides of my mostly dry hair. “She has no idea what the Ascended are truly like, and I have no idea if she’ll Ascend now with me being gone.”

“Kieran and Casteel once told me that a lot of the people of Solis are innocent—that they are unaware of what the Ascended really are. I used to find that hard to believe,” she admitted as she gathered the braided sides and began to twist them into a knot at the back of my head. “But the more Descenters I met, the more I learned that the Ascended are masters at hiding the truth.”

“They are.” I swallowed as I stared at where the curtains were secured to the posts and swayed slightly in the breeze from the open doors. My mind disobeyed me. I thought of tonight, and the possibility that the first group of Ascended may reach Spessa’s End. “I hate what’s about to happen,” I blurted out.

Her fingers stilled. “The wedding?”

“No. Gods. I’m actually looking forward to that,” I said, letting out a little laugh.

“You sound like that surprises you.”

“It does,” I admitted softly. “I was thinking about the Ascended. What they may do when they reach here. I…I hate that I’m the reason everything you all built here is now at risk.”

“We were always at risk,” Vonetta said. “Sooner or later, we would’ve been discovered, and there would be a fight. We all knew that when we agreed to come here.”

But like with New Haven, I was the catalyst that made things happen sooner, before they were ready.

“I imagine most brides don’t think of sieges on the night of their weddings.”

“But you’re not most brides, are you?”

Gods, she had no idea how true that was.

“You’re about to marry the handsome, albeit annoying as hell, Prince of Atlantia, Penellaphe.” Her warm hands brushed my shoulders as she gathered up the rest of my hair, letting it lay against my back. “And from what I’ve learned about you from my brother and Casteel, the Ascended have already stolen a lot of joy from you. Don’t let them steal this.”

I drew in a deep breath and nodded. “I won’t.”

“Good. Can you open the pouch?” she asked. “And hand me what’s in it.”

Looking down, I unraveled the string and reached inside. My lips parted as I pulled out several strands of diamonds.

“Pretty, isn’t it? It’s not the nicest of necklaces, but I like its simplicity.”

“This is simple?” I stared at the bright diamonds strung across three layers of chains. There had to be at least half a dozen diamonds per chain.

“Compared to the standard in Atlantia? Yes.”

I thought of the diamond Casteel had promised, and my eyes widened.

“Diamonds are also a tradition here.” Vonetta took the necklace from me, and I lifted the hair that she had left down. “They are the joyous tears of the gods given form,” she explained, securing the clasp. “Wearing them means the gods are with you even as they slumber. Did they have such a tradition in Solis?”

I shook my head as I fixed the strands. “Diamonds only represent wealth in Solis. Those who had the means would hold celebrations that lasted days. I’ve never been to one, but from what I know, the Ascended took center stage during the weddings. Not the gods. I can’t even imagine a wedding that takes days to complete. Are they like that in Atlantia?”

“They could typically last a few hours, which is why Kieran would be glad to be missing that part.” She walked around the chaise. “But with my father officiating the wedding, I doubt it will last more than a few minutes.”

“Oh, thank the gods,” I exclaimed as I stood. “I’m sorry. Days or hours is just…it’s too long.”

Vonetta laughed as I roamed into the bathing chamber. “You may luck out with the ceremony, but I imagine that once you reach Evaemon, the King and Queen will demand a celebration in your honor and to introduce you to your subjects. That will last days.”

My subjects. Days-long celebrations.

I couldn’t think of that as I looked at my reflection. The three rows of diamonds glittered in the soft lamplight. The dress and my hair—all of it was beautiful, and it was more than I expected or hoped for…or even what I knew I needed.

I spun toward her. “Thank you for this—for all of this. It means a lot, Vonetta.”

“It’s not a big deal, but you’re welcome.”

It was a big deal to look and feel like a bride when it was real. “Will you be at the wedding?” I asked and then laughed. “I don’t even know where the wedding will be held.”

“I can be if you’d like. And if you call me Netta. That’s what my friends call me, and since I’m attending your wedding, I imagine we’re friends.”

I smiled as I nodded. “As long as you call me Poppy. That’s what my friends call me.”

“That I can do. By the way, the wedding will be here. Outside, actually. They are always outside, no matter the weather, and you won’t wear shoes.”

“Because both need to be standing on Atlantian soil?” I surmised.

“Correct.” She brushed several braids over her shoulder. “And it’s time. They’re here.”

“Wolven senses must be amazing,” I said as my heart started to pound once more.

She grinned. “They are, but I saw my father walk past the window.”

“Oh.” I laughed. “Well, then.”

“You ready?”

Nodding. I started to follow her out but then stopped. “One second.”

Hurrying to the bed, I picked up the wolven dagger and secured it around my thigh.

“Planning to stab him during the ceremony?” Vonetta asked.

“Why does everyone act like I’m seconds away from stabbing Casteel?” I demanded.

“Apparently, you have a habit of it.”

“I only stabbed him…a few times.” I turned, fixing the skirt of the gown. “The dagger was given to me by someone I care about. He was like a father to me, and in a way, he’ll be with me when I do something he never thought I’d be able to do.”

Something I knew Vikter would’ve been happy to see, even though I was marrying the Prince of Atlantia. In my heart of hearts, I knew that all that would have mattered to Vikter was that I wanted this and that I was cherished.

And I knew both were true. They had been true for longer than I realized.

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