16. Shape‑shifter

I received your letter yesterday, and I thank you most gratefully. To answer your question, this hospice is not at all like a prison; as long as we stay on the grounds, we are allowed much freedom. There is no one here who is dangerous to himself or another, though we are all tormented. I thank God that Father's estate can subsidize my stay here. They have allowed me to wear my monk's habit, and I am grateful.

I do not want to answer your other questions. Forgive me, Brother, but I cannot think on it.

–Simon (Brother Sinestus) Tor, to Colin, July 1771.

The old Methodist cemetery was dark and cold, and a frigid wind whipped through the scrub pines and unshaped cedars that surrounded it. I strode forward, casting my senses strongly, and felt Ciaran waiting for me.

" Thank you for coming, " he said in that soothing, accented voice. With no warning I burst into tears again, embarrassed to do it in front of him, and then his arms enfolded me; I was pressed against the rough tweed of his coat, and he was stroking my hair.

" Morgan, Morgan, " he murmured. " Tell me everything. Let me help. "

I actually couldn't remember the last time Dad had held me when I cried–I was too cool for that. I cried alone, in my room, quietly. Ciaran's embrace seemed so welcoming and comforting.

" It's everything, " I choked out. " It's being Woodbane and Catholic, it's having witch friends and nonwitch friends. It's Killian and Sky and Raven. Cal and Selene died, and I was so relieved, but I actually miss Cal sometimes. Or the Cal I thought I knew. " More sobs racked me, but still Ciaran held me, letting me lean on him. " And my folks are so nice and I feel like scum because I want to know my birth father! " I sobbed and wiped my nose on the back of my glove. " And I wish I had known Maeve in person, but I can't because you killed her, you bastard! " My fist flew out quickly and slammed Ciaran in his chest. He swayed back a bit, but I'd been too close to put much into the punch. I swung again, but he caught my wrist in a grip like a braigh and stilled me.

" I'm so sorry, Morgan, " he said, his voice sounded torn. " I'm tortured about Maeve's death every day of my life. She was the best and the worst thing that ever happened to me, and not a day goes by that I don't feel pain and anguish over what happened. The only good thing about her being gone is that she can no longer feel pain; she's no longer vulnerable and can no longer be hurt. "

I leaned backwards into a tall tombstone and buried my face in my hands. " This is all too hard, " I cried. " It's too much. I can't do it. I can't bear it. " In that second all that felt absolutely true.

" No, " Ciaran said, holding my wrists gently. " Yours is not an easy path. Your life feels hard and difficult now, and I can promise you it will only become harder and more difficult. "

I made an indistinct sound of despair, and his voice went on, slipping into me like a fog.

" But you're wrong in thinking you can't do it, can't bear it, " he said. " You absolutely can. You are Maeve's daughter and my daughter. You have strength in you. You are capable of things beyond your imagination. "

I kept crying the tension of the past week spilling out of me into the dark night. Tonight's awful scene, all my conflicting emotions were being dissolved in a salty wave of tears.

" Morgan, " Ciaran said, brushing my hair out of my face. " I cherish you. You're my link to the only women I've ever truly loved. I see Maeve in your face. And of my four children, you are the most like me–I see myself in you in a way I don't with the others. I want to trust you. I want you to trust me. "

A chill shook me, and Ciaran rubbed my arms. Slowly my crying subsided, and I wiped my eyes and nose. " What happens now? " I asked him. " Are you going to disappear from my life, like you did with your other kids? " I saw Ciaran wince but went on. " Or will you be with me more, teach me more, let me know you? "

How much true and how much manipulation to fulfill my mission? Goddess help me, I no longer knew. He hesitated, and a slow shivering made me tremble from head to toe.

At last he said, " You're young, Morgan. You're still gathering information. You don't need to make any life decisions tonight. "

Gathering information? Chills ran up and down my spine. What did he mean by that? How much did he know?

I nodded slowly, unable to look into his eyes.

" What I would like you to do, " he said, " to have, is a more complete understanding of what being Woodbane can mean–the joy, the power, the beauty of its purity, the ecstasy of its potential. "

I looked up the, hazel eyes meeting hazel eyes. " What do you mean? "

" I would like to share something with you, my youngest daughter, " he said. " You, who are so close to my heart and so far from my life. I sense in you something strong and pure and fearless, something powerful yet tender, and I want to show you what that could be. But I need your trust. "

I was scared now and also unbelievably drown to what he was saying. There was a taste in my mouth, and I licked my lips, then realized it wasn't actually a taste so much as a longing: a longing for what Ciaran was talking about.

" I don't understand. " The words came out in a near whisper. " Is this about–"

" I'm talking about shape‑ shifting, " he said quietly. " Assuming another being's physical form in order to achieve an heightened awareness of one's own psyche. "

Suddenly I realized where he was going with this. I tried not to gape. I had heard about witched shape‑ shifting before–in fact, I knew the members of Amyranth shape‑ shifter–but I understood that it was generally forbidden, considered dark magick. Of course, that wouldn't stop Ciaran.

" You're kidding, right? " I asked.

" No. Morgan, you have so much to learn about your own persona. You must trust me–there is not better way to know yourself than looking through another being's eyes. "

" Shape‑ shifting? Like a hawk? Or a cat? " He couldn't be serious. Where was he going with this?

" Not necessarily a hawk or a cat, " he explained. " No witch can change themselves or someone else into a being that does not resonate with the one to be changed. For example, if you feel an affinity for horses, want to know what it would feel like to race across the plains, then it's fairly easy to shift into that. But if you feel no affinity for the animal, have nothing of that creature in you, then it can't be done. Which is why witched don't usually shift into most reptile or fish. "

Oh, Goddess, he seemed serious. I tried to stall. " Can all witches do this? "

" No. Not even very many. But I can, and I think you can, too. " He looked deeply into my eyes until I felt that the two of us made up the entire universe. " What do I feel like to you? " he whispered. " What do you feel like? "

An image came to me, and animal. I hesitated to say it. It was the animal that had come to me in terrifying dreams in New York–the animal that represented Ciaran and all of his children, me included. I was so scared about what might happen right here, right now, that it was beyond comprehension. But if I couldn't understand it, then I couldn't really feel it. " A wolf, " I said. " Both of us. "

His smile was like the moon coming out from behind a bank of clouds. " Yes, " he breathed. " Yes. Say there words, Morgan: Annial nath rac, aernan sil, loch mairn, loch hollen, sil beitha…"

Mindlessly, wondering if I were being spelled by Ciaran but no longer caring, I repeated the ancient, frightening words. Before my eyes Ciaran began to change, but it was hard to say how–were his teeth sharper, longer? His hands curling into claws? Did I see a new, feral wildness in his eyes?

His voice was growing softer and softer, and I cast my senses out to hear the words so I could repeat them. Then I heard something that wasn't a word. It was… a sound and a shape and a color and a sigil, all at once. It was impossible to describe. No. It was Ciaran's true name, the name of his essence. I don't know how I recognized it… it was instinctive. I had learned Ciaran's true name, I thought hazily. That meant…

In the next second I gasped and bent double, racked with a searing, unexpected pain. I stared down my hands. They were changing. I was changing. I was shape‑ shifting into a wolf. Oh, god, help me.

I cried out, but my voice was already not my own. I dropped to my hands and knees, feeling the soft loam beneath me, barely aware of Ciaran changing slipping out of his clothes, revealing a thick black‑ and‑ silver coat. His intelligent hazel eyes looked at me from a wolf's face. I tried to scream in horror and pain, but my voice was strangled and broken. My body was in a rack, being forced to bend and curl in unnatural ways, as if every bone was being stretched or compressed or twisted in some incomprehensible nightmare. Helplessly whimpering, I closed my eyes and fell on my side, unable to fight or resist this overwhelming process. When Ciaran nuzzled me, I reluctantly opened my eyes again, and when I got up I was on all fours. I was a wolf. My fur was thick and russet colored. I looked down and saw four straight, strong paws tipped with sharp, non‑ retractable claws. I looked at Ciaran and recognized him: he was absolutely himself, yet he was a wolf. I felt absolutely myself, but as I began to cautiously examine my internal process, I felt quite different. Foreign. Like a wolf instead of a person. It was as if my humanness was a rope hammock that had come undone in one end, and I was now watching it unravel. Soon it would be completely gone. I had two thoughts: How would I get back? And what of my mission?

I stepped closer to Ciaran, my four legs moving smoothly, precisely, with no effort. I felt hw strong I was, how powerful–my jaws felt heavy, my legs were roped with lean muscle, and I was breathing easily, although the change had been horribly stressful. Ciaran opened his mouth in a sinister, wolfy grin, as if to say, Isn't it great? I grinned back at him and was awash with a sudden ecstasy and exhilaration that I was experiencing this. Instinctively I stepped closer to Ciaran and nuzzled his neck, and he returned it.

Then I remembered. The watch sigil. The wolf in me wanted to be running, to be away, to be coursing through the dark night. The last vestige of a human Morgan remembered the watch sigil. I pressed my face against Ciaran's thick neck fur and breathed the words of the spell against him. In a quick, desperate move I traced the sigil against his neck with my wet canine nose.

Ciaran made no response, as if he hadn't noticed, hadn't felt it. I had no idea whether or not it would «stick» since he was a changed being. Then Ciaran nudged me with his head and, turning, bounded off into the night. Feeling fiercely happy, all thoughts of Morgans and missions and spells gone, I leapt after him. My muscles contracted and expanded effortlessly; it was easy to catch up with him, and we loped along side by side as a million new sensations flooded my animal brain. With my magesight I could always see well in the dark, but now it was as if things were highlighted and outlined for me with infrared. With each indrawn breath a world of scent, flavors borne on the breeze, added an incredibly powerful, exciting beyond description.

When Ciaran looked back, I opened my mouth and showed him my pointy teeth. He had given me the gift of a lifetime, I knew. We ran for miles through the woods, leaving the cemetery behind, following scents, feeling the crisp air ruffling through our fur. I ran happily in Ciaran's paw prints, trying to soak up as much of this sensation as possible. I didn't know if it would ever happen again, and I wanted to relish every second.

I hadn't even begun to tire when Ciaran cantered to a halt and sniffed the air. Eagerly I stood next to him, shoulder to shoulder, and lifted my head. My eyes widened, and I looked at him, seeing the knowledge in his eyes. I smelled it too. Prey.