William Somerset Maugham 16 страница

held banked up for so many years would burst its sluices like a great

torrent and in a flood o'erwhelm her. Her heart swelled at the tho-

ught of his infinite gratitude. But still he could hardly believe in his

good fortune; and when it was all over and she lay in his arms she

would nestle up to him and whisper tenderly:

" Was it worth waiting for? "

" Like Helen, you make me immortal with a kiss. "

It was wonderful to be able to give so much happiness to a hu-

man being.

" I'll write to him just before I leave St. Malo, " she decided.

The spring passed into summer, and at the end of July it was time

for Julia to go to Paris and see about her clothes. Michael wanted to

open with the new play early in September, and rehearsals were to

start in August. She had brought the play with her to St. Malo, inten-

ding to study her part, but the circumstances in which she lived had

made it impossible. She had all the leisure she needed, but in that

grey, austere and yet snug little town, in the constant company of

those two old ladies whose interests were confined to the parish

church and their household affairs, though it was a good play, she

could take but little interest in it.

" It's high time I was getting back, " she said. " It would be hell if I

really came to the conclusion that the theatre wasn't worth the fuss

and bother they make about it. "

She said good-bye to her mother and to Aunt Carrie. They had be-

en very kind to her, but she had an inkling that they would not be

sorry when her departure allowed them to return to the life she had

interrupted. They were a little relieved besides to know that now

there was no more danger of some eccentricity, such as you must

always run the risk of with an actress, which might arouse the unfa-

vourable comment of the ladies of St. Malo.

She arrived in Paris in the afternoon, and when she was shown in-

to her suite at the Ritz, she gave a sigh of satisfaction. It was a treat

to get back to luxury. Three or four people had sent her flowers. She

had a bath and changed. Charley Deverill, who always made her

clothes for her, an old friend, called to take her to dinner in the Bois.

" I had a wonderful time, " she told him, " and of course it was a

grand treat for those old girls to have me there, but I have a feeling

that if I'd stayed a day longer I should have been bored. "

To drive up the Champs Elysees on that lovely evening filled her

with exhilaration. It was good to smell once more the smell of petrol.

The cars, the taxis, the hooting of horns, the chestnut trees, the

street lights, the crowd on the pavement and the crowd sitting outsi-

de the cafes; it was an enchantment. And when they got to the Cha-

teau de Madrid, so gay, so civilized and so expensive, it was grand

to see once more well-dressed women, decently made-up, and tan-

ned men in dinner-jackets.

" I feel like a queen returning from exile. "

Julia spent several happy days choosing her clothes and having

the first fittings. She enjoyed every moment of them. But she was a

woman of character, and when she had come to a decision she ad-

hered to it; before leaving for London she wrote a note to Charles.

He had been to Goodwood and Cowes and was spending twenty-four

hours in London on his way to Salzburg.

CHARLES DEAR,

How wonderful that I shall see you so soon. Of course I am free on

Wednesday. Shall we dine together and do you love me still?

Your JULIA.

As she stuck down the envelope she murmured: Bis dat qui cito

dat. * It was a Latin tag that Michael always quoted when, asked to

subscribe to a charity, he sent by return of post exactly half what

was expected of him.

ON Wednesday morning Julia had her face massaged and her hair

waved. She could not make up her mind whether to wear for dinner

a dress of flowered organdie, very pretty and springlike with its sug-

gestion of Botticelli's Primavera, or one of white satin beautifully cut

to show off her slim young figure, and virginal; but while she was

having her bath she decided on the white satin: it indicated rather

delicately that the sacrifice she intended was in the nature of an ex-

piation for her long ingratitude to Michael. She wore no jewels but a

string of pearls and diamond bracelet; besides her wedding-ring only

one square-cut diamond. She would have liked to put on a slight

brown tan, it looked open-air-girl and suited her, but reflecting on

what lay before her she refrained. She could not very well, like the

actor who painted himself black all over to play Othello, tan her

whole body. Always a punctual woman, she came downstairs as the

front door was being opened for Charles. She greeted him with a lo-

ok into which she put tenderness, a roguish charm and intimacy.

Charles now wore his thinning grey hair rather long, and with advan-

cing years his intellectual, distinguished features had sagged a little;

he was slightly bowed and his clothes looked as though they needed

pressing.

" Strange world we live in, " thought Julia. " Actors do their damne-

dest to look like gentlemen and gentlemen do all they can to look li-

ke actors. "

There was no doubt that she was making a proper effect on him.

He gave her the perfect opening.

" Why are you looking so lovely tonight? " he asked.

" Because I'm looking forward to dining with you. "

With her beautiful, expressive eyes she looked deep into his. She

parted her lips in the manner that she found so seductive in Rom-

ney's portraits of Lady Hamilton.

They dined at the Savoy. The head waiter gave them a table on

the gangway so that they were admirably in view. Though everyone

was supposed to be out of town the grill-room was well filled. Julia

bowed and smiled to various friends of whom she caught sight.

Charles had much to tell her; she listened to him with flattering inte-

rest.

" You are the best company in the world, Charles, " she told him.

They had come late, they dined well, and by the time Charles had

finished his brandy people were already beginning to come in for

supper.

" Good gracious, are the theatres out already? " he said, glancing

at his watch. " How quickly the time flies when I'm with you. D'you

imagine they want to get rid of us? "

" I don't feel a bit like going to bed. "

" I suppose Michael will be getting home presently? "

" I suppose so. "

" Why don't you come back to my house and have a talk? "

That was what she called taking a cue.

" I'd love it, " she answered, putting into her tone the slight blush

which she felt would have well become her cheek.

They got into his car and drove to Hill Street. He took her into his

study. It was on the ground floor and looked on a tiny garden. The

french windows were wide open. They sat down on a sofa.

" Put out some of the lights and let the night into the room, " said

Julia. She quoted from The Merchant of Venice. " 'In such a night as

this, when the sweet wind did gently kiss the trees... '"

Charles switched off everything but one shaded lamp, and when

he sat down again she nestled up to him. He put his arm round her

waist and she rested her head on his shoulder.

" This is heaven, " she murmured.

" I've missed you terribly all these months. "

" Did you get into mischief? "

" Well, I bought an Ingres drawing and paid a lot of money for it. I

must show it you before you go. "

" Don't forget. Where have you put it? "

She had wondered from the moment she got into the house whet-

her the seduction would take place in the study or upstairs.

" In my bedroom, " he answered.

" That's much more comfortable really, " she reflected.

She laughed in her sleeve as she thought of poor old Charles de-

vising a simple little trick like that to get her into his bedroom. What

mugs men were! Shy, that was what was the matter with them. A

sudden pang shot through her heart as she thought of Tom. Damn

Tom. Charles really was very sweet and she was determined to re-

ward him at last for his long devotion.

" You've been a wonderful friend to me, Charles, " she said in her

low, rather husky voice. She turned a little so that her face was very

near his, her lips, again like Lady Hamilton's, slightly open. " I'm afra-

id I haven't always been very kind to you. "

She looked so deliciously yielding, a ripe peach waiting to be pic-

ked, that it seemed inevitable that he should kiss her. Then she wo-

uld twine her soft white arms round his neck. But he only smiled.

" You mustn't say that. You've been always divine. "

(" He's afraid, poor lamb. " ) " I don't think anyone has ever been so

much in love with me as you were. "

He gave her a little squeeze.

" I am still. You know that. There's never been any woman but you

in my life. "

Since, however, he did not take the proffered lips she slightly tur-

ned. She looked reflectively at the electric fire. Pity it was unlit. The

scene wanted a fire.

" How different everything would have been if we'd bolted that ti-

me. Heigh-ho. "

She never quite knew what heigh-ho meant, but they used it a lot

on the stage, and said with a sigh it always sounded very sad.

" England would have lost its greatest actress. I know now how

dreadfully selfish it was of me ever to propose it. "

" Success isn't everything. I sometimes wonder whether to gratify

my silly little ambition I didn't miss the greatest thing in the world.

After all, love is the only thing that matters. " And now she looked at

him again with eyes more beautiful than ever in their melting ten-

derness. " D'you know, I think that now, if I had my time over again,

I'd say take me. "

She slid her hand down to take his. He gave it a graceful pressu-

re.

" Oh, my dear. "

" I've so often thought of that dream villa of ours. Olive trees and

oleanders and the blue sea. Peace. Sometimes I'm appalled by the

dullness and vulgarity of my life. What you offered was beauty. It's

too late now, I know; I didn't know then how much I cared for you,

I never dreamt that as the years went on you would mean more and

more to me. "

" It's heavenly to hear you say that, my sweet. It makes up for so

much. "

" I'd do anything in the world for you, Charles. I've been selfish.

I've ruined your life, I didn't know what I was doing. "

Her voice was low and tremulous and she threw back her head so

that her neck was like a white column. Her decollete showed part of

her small firm breasts and with her hands she pressed them forward

a little.

" You mustn't say that, you mustn't think that, " he answered

gently. " You've been perfect always. I wouldn't have had you other-

wise. Oh my dear, life is so short and love is so transitory. The tra-

gedy of life is that sometimes we get what we want. Now that I look

back on our long past together I know that you were wiser than I.

'What leaf-fringed legend haunts about thy shape? ' Don't you re-

member how it goes? 'Never, never canst thou kiss, though winning

near the goal - yet, do not grieve; she cannot fade, though thou hast

not thy bliss. For ever wilt thou love, and she be fair! ' "

(" Idiotic" ) " Such lovely lines, " she sighed. " Perhaps you're right.

Heigh-ho. "

He went on quoting. That was a trick of his that Julia had always

found somewhat tiresome.

" Ah, happy, happy boughs! that cannot shed

Your leaves, nor ever bid the Spring adieu;

And, happy melodist, unwearied,

For ever piping songs for ever new!... "

It gave Julia an opportunity to think. She stared in the unlit fire,

her gaze intent, as though she were entranced by the exquisite bea-

uty of those words. It was quite obvious that he just hadn't unders-

tood. It could hardly be wondered at. She had been deaf to his pas-

sionate entreaties for twenty years, and it was very natural if he had

given up his quest as hopeless. It was like Mount Everest; if those

hardy mountaineers who had tried for so long in vain to reach the

summit finally found an easy flight of steps that led to it, they

simply would not believe their eyes: they would think there was a

catch in it. Julia felt that she must make herself a little plainer; she

must, as it were, reach out a helping hand to the weary pilgrim.

" It's getting dreadfully late, " she said softly. " Show me your new

drawing and then I must go home. "

He rose and she gave him both her hands so that he should help

her up from the sofa. They went upstairs. His pyjamas and dressing-

gown were neatly arranged on a chair.

" How well you single men do yourselves. Such a cosy, friendly

bedroom. "

He took the framed drawing off the wall and brought it over for

her to look at under the light. It was a portrait in pencil of a stoutish

woman in a bonnet and a lownecked dress with puffed sleeves. Julia

thought her plain and the dress ridiculous.

" Isn't it ravishing? " she cried.

" I knew you'd like it. A good drawing, isn't it? "

" Amazing. "

He put the little picture back on its nail. When he turned round

again she was standing near the bed with her hands behind her

back, a little like a Circassian slave introduced by the chief eunuch

to the inspection of the Grand Vizier; there was a hint of modest

withdrawal in her bearing, a delicious timidity, and at the same time

the virgin's anticipation that she was about to enter into her king-

dom. Julia gave a sigh that was ever so slightly voluptuous.

" My dear, it's been such a wonderful evening. I've never felt so

close to you before. "

She slowly raised her hands from behind her back and with the

exquisite timing that came so naturally to her moved them for-

wards, stretching out her arms, and held them palms upward as tho-

ugh there rested on them, invisibly, a lordly dish, and on the dish lay

her proffered heart. Her beautiful eyes were tender and yielding and

on her lips played a smile of shy surrender.

She saw Charles's smile freeze on his face. He had understood all

right.

(" Christ, he doesn't want me. It was all a bluff. " ) The revelation for

a moment staggered her. (" God, how am I going to get out of it?

What a bloody fool I must look. " )

She very nearly lost her poise. She had to think like lightning. He

was standing there, looking at her with an embarrassment that he

tried hard to conceal. Julia was panic-stricken. She could not think

what to do with those hands that held the lordly dish; God knows,

they were small, but at the moment they felt like legs of mutton

hanging there. Nor did she know what to say. Every second made

her posture and the situation more intolerable.

(" The skunk, the dirty skunk. Codding me all these years. " )

She did the only thing possible. She continued the gesture. Coun-

ting so that she should not go too fast, she drew her hands towards

one another, till she could clasp them, and then throwing back her

head, raised them, very slowly, to one side of her neck. The attitude

she reached was as lovely as the other, and it was the attitude that

suggested to her what she had to say. Her deep rich voice trembled

a little with emotion.

" I'm so glad when I look back to think that we have nothing to

reproach ourselves with. The bitterness of life is not death, the bit-

terness of life is that love dies. (She'd heard something like that said

in a play. ) If we'd been lovers you'd have grown tired of me long

ago, and what should we have now to look back on but regret for

our own weakness? What was that line of Shelley's that you said just

now about fading? "

" Keats, " he corrected. " 'She cannot fade though thou hast not thy

bliss. ' "

" That's it. Go on. "

She was playing for time.

'" For ever wilt thou love, and she be fair. '"

She threw her arms wide in a great open gesture and tossed her

curly head. She'd got it.

" It's true, isn't it? 'For ever wilt thou love and I be fair. ' What fools

we should have been if for a few moments' madness we had thrown

away the wonderful happiness our friendship has brought us. We ha-

ve nothing to be ashamed of. We're clean. We can walk with our he-

ads held high and look the whole world in the face. "

She instinctively felt that this was an exit line, and suiting her mo-

vements to the words, with head held high, backed to the door and

flung it open. Her power was such that she carried the feeling of the

scene all the way down the stairs with her. Then she let it fall and

with the utmost simplicity turned to Charles who had followed her.

" My cloak. "

" The car is there, " he said as he wrapped it round her. " I'll drive

you home. "

" No, let me go alone. I want to stamp this hour on my heart. Kiss

me before I go. "

She held up her lips to him. He kissed them. But she broke away

from him, with a stifled sob, and tearing open the door ran to the

waiting car.

When she got home and stood in her own bedroom she gave a

great whoof of relief.

" The bloody fool. Fancy me being taken in like that. Thank God, I

got out of it all right. He's such an ass, I don't suppose he began to

see what I was getting at. " But that frozen smile disconcerted her.

" He may have suspected, he couldn't have been certain, and after-

wards he must have been pretty sure he'd made a mistake. My God,

the rot I talked. It seemed to go down all right, I must say. Lucky I

caught on when I did. In another minute I'd have had me dress off.

That wouldn't have been so damned easy to laugh away. "

Julia began to titter. The situation was mortifying of course, he

had made a damned fool of her, but if you had any sense of humour

you could hardly help seeing that there was a funny side to it. She

was sorry that there was nobody to whom she could tell it; even if it

was against herself it would make a good story. What she couldn't

get over was that she had fallen for the comedy of undying passion

that he had played all those years; for of course it was just a pose;

he liked to see himself as the constant adorer, and the last thing he

wanted, apparently, was to have his constancy rewarded.

" Bluffed me, he did, completely bluffed me. "

But an idea occurred to Julia and she ceased to smile. When a wo-

man's amorous advances are declined by a man she is apt to draw

one of two conclusions; one is that he is homosexual and the other

is that he is impotent. Julia reflectively lit a cigarette. She asked her-

self if Charles had used his devotion to her as a cover to distract at-

tention from his real inclinations. But she shook her head. If he had

been homosexual she would surely have had some hint of it; after

all, in society since the war they talked of practically nothing else.

Of course it was quite possible he was impotent. She reckoned out

his age. Poor Charles. She smiled again. And if that were the case it

was he, not she, who had been placed in an embarrassing and even

ridiculous position. He must have been scared stiff, poor lamb. Obvi-

ously it wasn't the sort of thing a man liked to tell a woman, especi-

ally if he were madly in love with her; the more she thought of it the

more probable she considered the explanation. She began to feel

very sorry for him, almost maternal in fact.

" I know what I'll do, " she said, as she began to undress, " I'll send

him a huge bunch of white lilies tomorrow. "

JULIA lay awake next morning for some time before she rang her

bell. She thought. When she reflected on her adventure of the previ-

ous night she could not but be pleased that she had shown so much

presence of mind. It was hardly true to say that she had snatched

victory from defeat, but looking upon it as a strategic retreat her

conduct had been masterly. She was notwithstanding ill at ease.

There might be yet another explanation for Charles's singular beha-

viour. It was possible that he did not desire her because she was not

desirable. The notion had crossed her mind in the night, and though

she had at once dismissed it as highly improbable, there was no

denying it, at that hour of the morning it had a nasty look. She rang.

As a rule, since Michael often came in while Julia had breakfast, Evie

when she had drawn the curtains handed her a mirror and a comb,

her powder and lipstick. On this occasion, instead of running the

comb rapidly through her hair and giving her face a perfunctory dab

with the puff, Julia took some trouble. She painted her lips with care

and put on some rouge; she arranged her hair.

" Speaking without passion or prejudice, " she said, still looking at

herself in the glass, when Evie placed the breakfast tray on her bed,

" would you say I was by way of being a good-looking woman, Evie? "

" I must know what I'm letting myself in for before answering that

question. "

" You old bitch, " said Julia.

" You're no beauty, you know. "

" No great actress ever has been. "

" When you're all dolled up posh like you was last night, and got

the light be'ind you, I've seen worse, you know. "

(" Fat lot of good it did me last night. " ) " What I want to say is, if I

really set my mind on getting off with a man, d'you think I could? "

" Knowing what men are, I wouldn't be surprised. Who d'you want

to get off with now? "

" Nobody. I was only talking generally. "

Evie sniffed and drew her forefinger along her nostrils.

" Don't sniff like that. If your nose wants blowing, blow it. "

Julia ate her boiled egg slowly. She was busy with her thoughts.

She looked at Evie. Funny-looking old thing of course, but one never

knew.

" Tell me, Evie, do men ever try to pick you up in the street? "

" Me? I'd like to see 'em try. "

" So would I, to tell you the truth. Women are always telling me

how men follow them in the street and if they stop and look in at a

shop window come up and try to catch their eye. Sometimes they

have an awful bother getting rid of them. "

" Disgusting, I call it. "

" I don't know about that. It's rather flattering. You know, it's a

most extraordinary thing, no one ever follows me in the street. I

don't remember a man ever having tried to pick me up. "

" Oh well, you walk along Edgware Road one evening. You'll get

picked up all right. "

" I shouldn't know what to do if I was. "

" Call a policeman, " said Evie grimly.

" I know a girl who was looking in a shop window in Bond Street, a

hat shop, and a man came up and asked her if she'd like a hat. I'd

love one, she said, and they went in and she chose one and gave

her name and address, he paid for it on the nail, and then she said,

thank you so much, and walked out while he was waiting for the

change. "

" That's what she told you. " Evie's sniff was sceptical. She gave

Julia a puzzled look. " What's the idea? "

" Oh, nothing. I was only wondering why in point of fact I never ha-

ve been accosted by a man. It's not as if I had no sex appeal. "

But had she? She made up her mind to put the matter to the test.

That afternoon, when she had had her sleep, she got up, made up

a little more than usual, and without calling Evie put on a dress that

was neither plain nor obviously expensive and a red straw hat with a

wide brim.

" I don't want to look like a tart, " she said as she looked at herself

in the glass. " On the other hand I don't want to look too respectab-

le. "

She tiptoed down the stairs so that no one should hear her and

closed the door softly behind her. She was a trifle nervous, but ple-

asantly excited; she felt that she was doing something rather shoc-