William Somerset Maugham 14 страница

" Oh, I know. It seems almost hopeless unless you've got influence

or something. I hear you're putting a new play on soon. "

" Yes. "

Julia continued to smile with an almost intolerable sweetness.

" If there's a part for me in it, I'd most awfully like to play with you.

I'm so sorry Mr. Gosselyn couldn't come tonight. "

" I'll tell him about you. "

" D'you really think there's a chance for me? " Through her self-

assurance, through the country-house manner she assumed in order

to impress Julia, there pierced an anxious eagerness. " If you'd put in

a word for me it would help so much. "

Julia gave her a reflective look.

" I take my husband's advice more often than he takes mine, " she

smiled.

When they left the dressing-room so that Avice Crichton might

change for the third act, Julia caught the questioning glance she ga-

ve Tom as she said good-bye to him. Julia was conscious, though

she saw no movement, that he slightly shook his head. Her sensibi-

lity at that moment was extraordinarily acute and she translated the

mute dialogue into words.

" Coming to supper afterwards? "

" No, damn it, I can't, I've got to see her home. "

Julia listened to the third act grimly. That was in order since the

play was serious. When it was over and a pale shattered author had

made a halting speech, Tom asked her where she would like to go

for supper.

" Let's go home and talk, " she said. " If you're hungry I'm sure we

can find you something to eat in the kitchen. "

" D'you mean to Stanhope Place? "

" Yes. "

" All right. "

She felt his relief that she did not want to go back to the flat. He

was silent in the car and she knew that it irked him to have to come

back with her. She guessed that someone was giving a supper party

to which Avice Crichton was going and he wanted to be there. The

house was dark and empty when they reached it. The servants were

in bed. Julia suggested that they should go down to the basement

and forage.

" I don't want anything to eat unless you do, " he said. " I'll just ha-

ve a whisky and soda and go to bed. I've got a very heavy day to-

morrow at the office. "

" All right. Bring it up to the drawing-room. I'll go and turn on the

lights: "

When he came up she was doing her face in front of a mirror and

she continued till he had poured out the whisky and sat down. Then

she turned round. He looked very young, and incredibly charming, in

his beautiful clothes, sitting there in the big armchair, and all the

bitterness she had felt that evening, all the devouring jealousy of

the last few days, were dissipated on a sudden by the intensity of

her passion. She sat down on the arm of his chair and caressingly

passed her hand over his hair. He drew back with an angry gesture.

" Don't do that, " he said. " I do hate having my hair mussed about. "

It was like a knife in her heart. He had never spoken to her in that

tone before. But she laughed lightly and getting up took the whisky

he had poured out for her and sat down in a chair opposite him. The

movement he had made, the words he had spoken, were instinctive

and he was a trifle abashed. He avoided her glance and his face on-

ce more bore a sulky look. The moment was decisive. For a while

they were silent. Julia's heart beat painfully, but at last she forced

herself to speak.

" Tell me, " she said, smiling, " have you been to bed with Avice

Crichton? "

" Of course not, " he cried.

" Why not? She's pretty. "

" She's not that sort of girl. I respect her. "

Julia let none of her feelings appear on her face. Her manner was

wonderfully casual; she might have been talking of the fall of empi-

res or the death of kings.

" D'you know what I should have said? I should have said you were

madly in love with her. " He still avoided her eyes. " Are you engaged

to her by any chance? "

" No. "

He looked at her now, but the eyes that met Julia's were hostile.

" Have you asked her to marry you? "

" How could I? A damned rotter like me. "

He spoke so passionately that Julia was astonished.

" What are you talking about? "

" Oh what's the good of beating about the bush? How could I ask a

decent girl to marry me? I'm nothing but a kept boy and, God

knows, you have good reason to know it. "

" Don't be so silly. What a fuss to make over a few little presents

I've given you. "

" I oughtn't to have taken them. I knew all the time it was wrong.

It all came so gradually that I didn't realize what was happening till I

was in it up to my neck. I couldn't afford to lead the life you made

me lead; I was absolutely up against it. I had to take money from

you. "

" Why not? After all, I'm a very rich woman. "

" Damn your money. "

He was holding a glass in his hands and yielding to a sudden im-

pulse, he flung it into the fireplace. It shattered.

" You needn't break up the happy home, " said Julia ironically.

" I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do that. " He sank back into his chair

and turned his head away. " I'm so ashamed of myself. It's not very

nice to have lost one's self-respect. "

Julia hesitated. She did not quite know what to say.

" It seemed only natural to help you when you were in a hole. It

was a pleasure to me. "

" I know, you were wonderfully tactful about it. You almost persu-

aded me that I was doing you a service when you paid my debts.

You made it easy for me to behave like a cad. " *

" I'm sorry you should feel like that about it. "

She spoke rather tartly. She was beginning to feel a trifle irrita-

ted.

" There's nothing for you to be sorry about. You wanted me and

you bought me. If I was such a skunk as to let myself be bought that

was no business of yours. "

" How long have you been feeling like this? "

" From the beginning. "

" That isn't true. "

She knew that what had awakened his conscience was the love

that had seized him for a girl who he believed was pure. The poor fo-

ol! Didn't he know that Avice Crichton would go to bed with an assis-

tant stage manager if she thought it would get her a part?

" If you're in love with Avice Crichton why don't you tell me so? "

He looked at her miserably, but did not answer. " Are you afraid it'll

crab her chances of getting a part in the new play? You ought to

know me well enough by now to know that I would never let senti-

ment interfere with business. "

He could hardly believe his ears.

" What do you mean by that? "

" I think she's rather a find. I'm going to tell Michael that I think

she'll do very well. "

" Oh, Julia, you are a brick. I never knew what a wonderful woman

you were. "

" You should have asked me and I'd have told you. "

He gave a sigh of relief.

" My dear, I'm so terribly fond of you. "

" I know, and I'm terribly fond of you. You're great fun to go about

with and you're always so well turned out, you're a credit to any wo-

man. I've liked going to bed with you and I've a sort of notion you've

liked going to bed with me. But let's face it, I've never been in love

with you any more than you've been in love with me. I knew it co-

uldn't last. Sooner or later you were bound to fall in love and that

would end it. And you have fallen in love, haven't you? "

" Yes. "

She was determined to make him say it, but when he did the

pang it gave her was dreadful. Notwithstanding, she smiled good-

humouredly.

" We've had some very jolly times together, but don't you think

the moment has come to call it a day? "

She spoke so naturally, almost jestingly, that no one could have

guessed that the pain at her heart seemed past bearing. She waited

for his answer with sickening dread.

" I'm awfully sorry, Julia; I must regain my self-respect. " He looked

at her with troubled eyes. " You aren't angry with me? "

" Because you've transferred your volatile affections from me to

Avice Crichton? " Her eyes danced with mischievous laughter. " My

dear, of course not. After all they stay in the profession. "

" I'm very grateful to you for all you've done for me. I don't want

you to think I'm not. "

" Oh, my pet, don't talk such nonsense. I've done nothing for you. "

She got up. " Now you really must go. You've got a heavy day at the

office tomorrow and I'm dog-tired. "

It was a load off his mind. But he wasn't quite happy for all that,

he was puzzled by her tone, which was so friendly and yet at the sa-

me time faintly ironical; he felt a trifle let down. He went up to her to

kiss her good night. She hesitated for the fraction of a second, then

with a friendly smile gave him first one cheek and then the other.

" You'll find your way out, won't you? " She put her hand to her mo-

uth to hide an elaborate yawn. " Oh, I'm so sleepy. "

The moment he had gone she turned out the lights and went to

the window. She peered cautiously through the curtains. She heard

him slam the front door and saw him come out. He looked right and

left. She guessed at once that he was looking for a taxi. There was

none in sight and he started to walk in the direction of the Park. She

knew that he was going to join Avice Crichton at the supper party

and tell her the glad news. Julia sank into a chair. She had acted,

she had acted marvellously, and now she felt all in. Tears, tears that

nobody could see, rolled down her cheeks. She was miserably un-

happy. There was only one thing that enabled her to bear her wretc-

hedness, and that was the icy contempt that she could not but feel

for the silly boy who could prefer to her a small-part actress who

didn't even begin to know how to act. It was grotesque. She couldn't

use her hands; why she didn't even know how to walk across the

stage.

" If I had any sense of humour I'd just laugh my head off, " she cri-

ed, " It's the most priceless joke I've ever heard. "

She wondered what Tom would do now. The rent of the flat would

be falling due on quarter-day. A lot of the things in it belonged to

her. He wouldn't much like going back to his bed-sitting room in Ta-

vistock Square. She thought of the friends he had made through

her. He'd been clever with them. They found him useful and he'd ke-

ep them. But it wouldn't be so easy for him to take Avice about. She

was a hard, mercenary little thing, Julia was sure of that, she wo-

uldn't be much inclined to bother about him when his money flowed

less freely. The fool to be taken in by her pretence of virtue! Julia

knew the type. It was quite obvious, she was only using Tom to get

a part at the Siddons and the moment she got it she would give him

the air. Julia started when this notion crossed her mind. She had pro-

mised Tom that Avice should have the part in Nowadays because it

fell into the scene she was playing, but she had attached no impor-

tance to her promise. Michael was always there to put his foot down.

" By God, she shall have the part, " she said out loud. She chuckled

maliciously. " Heaven knows, I'm a good-natured woman, but there

are limits to everything. "

It would be a satisfaction to turn the tables on Tom and Avice

Crichton. She sat on, in the darkness, grimly thinking how she would

do it. But every now and then she started to cry again, for from the

depths of her subconscious surged up recollections that were hor-

ribly painful. Recollections of Tom's slim, youthful body against hers,

his warm nakedness and the peculiar feel of his lips, his smile, at on-

ce shy and roguish, and the smell of his curly hair.

" If I hadn't been a fool I'd have said nothing. I ought to know him

by now. It's only an infatuation. He'd have got over it and then he'd

have come hungrily back to me. "

Now she was nearly dead with fatigue. She got up and went to

bed. She took a sleeping-draught.

BUT she woke early next morning, at six, and began to think of

Tom. She repeated to herself all she had said to him and all he had

said to her. She was harassed and unhappy. Her only consolation

was that she had carried the rupture through with so careless a gai-

ety that he could not guess how miserable he had made her.

She spent a wretched day, unable to think of anything else, and

angry with herself because she could not put Tom out of her mind. It

would not have been so bad if she could have confided her grief to a

friend. She wanted someone to console her, someone to tell her that

Tom was not worth troubling about and to assure her that he had

treated her shamefully. As a rule she took her troubles to Charles or

to Dolly. Of course Charles would give her all the sympathy she ne-

eded, but it would be a terrible blow to him, after all he had loved

her to distraction for twenty years, and it would be cruel to tell him

that she had given to a very ordinary young man what he would

gladly have sacrificed ten years of his life for. She was his ideal and

it would be heartless on her part to shatter it. It certainly did her go-

od at that moment to be assured that Charles Tamerley, so distingu-

ished, so cultured, so elegant, loved her with an imperishable devo-

tion. Of course Dolly would be delighted if she confided in her. They

had not seen much of one another lately, but Julia knew that she

had only to call up and Dolly would come running. Even though she

more than suspected the truth already she'd be shocked and jealous

when Julia made a clean breast of it, but she'd be so thankful that

everything was over, she'd forgive. It would be a comfort to both of

them to tear Tom limb from limb. Of course it wouldn't be very nice

to admit that Tom had chucked her, and Dolly was so shrewd, she

would never get away with the lie that she had chucked him. She

wanted to have a good cry with somebody, and there didn't seem to

be any reason for it if she had made the break herself. It would be a

score for Dolly, and however sympathetic she was it was asking too

much of human nature to expect that she would be altogether sorry

that Julia had been taken down a peg or two. Dolly had always wors-

hipped her. She wasn't going to give her a peep at her feet of clay.

" It almost looks as if the only person I can go to is Michael, " she

giggled. " But I suppose it wouldn't do. "

She knew exactly what he would say.

" My dear girl, I'm really not the sort of feller you ought to come to

with a story like that. Damn it all, you put me in a very awkward po-

sition. I flatter myself I'm pretty broad-minded, I may be an actor,

but when all's said and done I am a gentleman, and well, I mean, I

mean it's such damned bad form. "

Michael did not get home till the afternoon, and when he came in-

to her room she was resting. He told her about his week-end and the

result of his matches. He had played very well, some of his recoveri-

es had been marvellous, and he described them in detail.

" By the way, what about that girl you saw last night, is she any

good? "

" I really think she is, you know. She's very pretty. You're sure to

fall for her. "

" Oh, my dear, at my time of life. Can she act? "

" She's inexperienced of course, but I think she's got it in her. "

" Oh well, I'd better have her up and give her the once over. How

can I get hold of her? "

" Tom's got her address. "

" I'll phone him right away. "

He took off the receiver and dialled Tom's number. Tom was in

and Michael wrote down the address on a pad.

The conversation went on.

" Oh, my dear old chap, I'm sorry to hear that. What rotten luck! "

" What's the matter? " asked Julia.

He motioned her to be quiet.

" Oh, well, I don't want to be hard on you. Don't you worry. I'm su-

re we can come to some arrangement that will be satisfactory to

you. " He put his hand over the receiver and turned to Julia. " Shall I

ask him to dinner next Sunday? "

" If you like. "

" Julia says, will you come and dine on Sunday? Oh, I'm sorry. Well,

so long, old man. "

He put down the receiver.

" He's got a date. Is the young ruffian having an affair with this

girl? "

" He assures me not. He respects her. She's a colonel's daughter. "

" Oh, she's a lady. "

" I don't know that that follows, " said Julia acidly. " What were you

talking to him about? "

" He says they've cut his salary. Bad times. He wants to give up

the flat. " Julia's heart gave a sudden sickening beat. " I've told him

not to worry. I'll let him stay there rent free till times improve. "

" I don't know why you should do that. After all, it was a purely bu-

siness arrangement. "

" It seems rather tough luck on a young chap like that. And you

know he's very useful to us; if we want an extra man we can always

call upon him, and it's convenient having him round the corner when

I want someone to play golf with me. It's only twenty-five pounds a

quarter. "

" You're the last person I should expect to see indulge in indiscri-

minate generosity. "

" Oh, don't you be afraid, if I lose on the swings I'll get back on the

roundabouts. "

The masseuse came in and put an end to the conversation. Julia

was thankful that it would soon be time to go down to the theatre

and so put an end for a while to the misery of that long day; when

she got back she would take a sleeping-draught again and so get so-

me hours of forgetfulness. She had a notion that in a few days the

worst of her pain would be over; the important thing was to get thro-

ugh them as best she could. She must distract her mind. When she

left for the theatre she told the butler to ring up Charles Tamerley

and see if she could lunch with him at the Ritz next day.

He was extraordinarily nice at luncheon. His look, his manner bes-

poke the different world he lived in, and she felt a sudden abhorren-

ce for the circle in which on Tom's account she had moved during

the last year. He spoke of politics, of art, of books; and peace ente-

red into her soul. Tom had been an obsession and she saw now that

it had been hurtful; but she would escape from it. Her spirits rose.

She did not want to be alone, she knew that even though she went

home after luncheon she would not sleep, so she asked Charles if he

would take her to the National Gallery. She could give him no gre-

ater pleasure; he liked to talk about pictures and he talked of them

well. It took them back to the old days when she had made her first

success in London and they used to spend so many afternoons to-

gether, walking in the park or sauntering through museums. The

day after that she had a matinee and the next a luncheon-party, but

when they separated they arranged to lunch again together on the

Friday and go to the Tate.

A few days later Michael told her he had engaged Avice Crichton.

" She has the looks for the part, there's no doubt about that, and

she'll be a good contrast to you. I'm taking her acting on the

strength of what you said. "

Next morning they rang through from the basement to say that

Mr. Fennell was on the telephone. It seemed to her that her heart

stopped beating.

" Put him through. "

" Julia, I wanted to tell you, Michael has engaged Avice. "

" Yes, I know. "

" He told her he was engaging her on what you'd told him. You are

a brick. "

Julia, her heart now beating nineteen to the dozen, made an effort

to control her voice.

" Oh, don't talk such nonsense, " she answered gaily. " I told you it

would be all right. "

" I'm awfully glad it's fixed up. She's accepted the part on what

I've told her about it. Ordinarily she won't take anything unless she's

read the play. "

It was just as well he could not see Julia's face when she heard

him say this. She would have liked to answer tartly that it was not

their habit when they engaged small-part actresses to let them read

the play, but instead she said mildly:

" Well, I think she'll like it, don't you? It's quite a good part. "

" And you know, she'll play it for all it's worth. I believe she'll make

a sensation. "

Julia took a long breath.

" It'll be wonderful, won't it? I mean, it may make her. "

" Yes, I've told her that. I say, when am I going to see you again? "

" I'll phone you, shall I? It's such a bore, I'm terribly full of engage-

ments for the next few days. "

" You're not going to drop me just because... "

She gave a low, rather hoarse chuckle, that chuckle which so de-

lighted audiences.

" Don't be so silly. Oh lord, there's my bath running. I must go and

have it. Good-bye, my sweet. "

She put down the receiver. The sound of his voice! The pain in her

heart was unendurable. Sitting up in her bed she rocked to and fro

in an agony.

" What shall I do? What shall I do? "

She had thought she was getting over it, and now that brief, silly

conversation had shown her that she loved him as much as ever.

She wanted him. She missed him every minute of the day. She could

not do without him.

" I shall never get over it, " she moaned.

Once again the theatre was her only refuge. By an ironic chance

the great scene of the play in which she was then acting, the scene

to which the play owed its success, showed the parting of two lo-

vers. It was true that they parted from a sense of duty; and Julia, in

the play, sacrificed her love, her hopes of happiness, all that she

held dear, to an ideal of uprightness. It was a scene that had appe-

aled to her from the beginning. She was wonderfully moving in it.

She put into it now all the agony of her spirit; it was no longer the

broken heart of a character that she portrayed but her own. In ordi-

nary life she tried to stifle a passion that she knew very well was ri-

diculous, a love that was unworthy of the woman she was, and she

steeled herself to think as little as possible of the wretched boy who

had wrought such havoc with her; but when she came to this scene

she let herself go. She gave free rein to her anguish. She was hope-

less with her own loss, and the love she poured out on the man who

was playing opposite to her was the love she still felt, the passiona-

te, devouring love, for Tom. The prospect of the empty life that conf-

ronted the woman of the play was the prospect of her own empty li-

fe. There was at least that solace, she felt she had never played so

magnificently.

" My God, it's almost worth while to suffer so frightfully to give

such a performance. "

She had never put more of herself into a part.

One night a week or two later when she came into her dressing-

room at the end of the play, exhausted by all the emotion she had

displayed, but triumphant after innumerable curtain calls, she found

Michael sitting there.

" Hulloa? You haven't been in front, have you? "

" Yes. "

" But you were in front two or three days ago. "

" Yes, I've sat through the play for the last four nights. "

She started to undress. He got up from his chair and began to

walk up and down. She gave him a glance and saw that he was

frowning slightly.

" What's the matter? "

" That's what I want to know. "

She gave a start. The thought flashed through her mind that he

had once more heard something about Tom.

" Why the devil isn't Evie here? " she asked.

" I told her to get out. I've got something to say to you, Julia. It's

no good your flying in a temper. You've just got to listen. "

A cold shiver ran down her spine.