William Somerset Maugham 12 страница

money meant to him and she had a hope that what she had said wo-

uld rankle. He pulled himself together quickly.

" Well, think it over, Dolly. "

She gathered up her bag and they parted with mutual expressi-

ons of affection and good will.

" Silly old bitch, " he said when the door was closed behind her.

" Pompous old ass, " she hissed as she went down in the lift.

But when she got into her magnificent and very expensive car

and drove back to Montagu Square she could not hold back the he-

avy, painful tears that filled her eyes. She felt old, lonely, unhappy,

and desperately jealous.

MICHAEL flattered himself on his sense of humour. On the Sunday

evening that followed his conversation with Dolly he strolled into

Julia's room while she was dressing. They were going to the pictures

after an early dinner.

" Who's coming tonight besides Charles? " he asked her.

" I couldn't find another woman. I've asked Tom. "

" Good! I wanted to see him. "

He chuckled at the thought of the joke he had up his sleeve. Julia

was looking forward to the evening. At the cinema she would arran-

ge the seating so that Tom sat next to her and he would hold her

hand while she chatted in undertones to Charles on the other side of

her. Dear Charles, it was nice of him to have loved her so long and

so devotedly; she would go out of her way to be very sweet to him.

Charles and Tom arrived together. Tom was wearing his new dinner

jacket for the first time and he and Julia exchanged a little private

glance, of satisfaction on his part and of compliment on hers.

" Well, young feller, " said Michael heartily, rubbing his hands, " do

you know what I hear about you? I hear that you're compromising

my wife. "

Tom gave him a startled look and went scarlet. The habit of flus-

hing mortified him horribly, but he could not break himself of it.

" Oh my dear, " cried Julia gaily, " how marvellous! I've been trying

to get someone to compromise me all my life. Who told you, Micha-

el? "

" A little bird, " he said archly.

" Well, Tom, if Michael divorces me you'll have to marry me, you

know. "

Charles smiled with his gentle, rather melancholy eyes.

" What have you been doing, Tom? " he asked.

Charles was gravely, Michael boisterously, diverted by the young

man's obvious embarrassment. Julia, though she seemed to share

their amusement, was alert and watchful.

" Well, it appears that the young rip has been taking Julia to night

clubs when she ought to have been in bed and asleep. "

Julia crowed with delight.

" Shall we deny it, Tom, or shall we brazen it out? "

" Well, I'll tell you what I said to the little bird, " Michael broke in. " I

said to her, as long as Julia doesn't want me to go to night clubs with

her... "

Julia ceased to listen to what he said. Dolly, she thought, and

oddly enough she described her to herself in exactly the words Mic-

hael had used a couple of days before. Dinner was announced and

their bright talk turned to other things. But though Julia took part in

it with gaiety, though she appeared to be giving her guests all her

attention and even listened with a show of appreciation to one of

Michael's theatrical stories that she had heard twenty times before,

she was privately holding an animated conversation with Dolly.

Dolly cowered before her while she told her exactly what she tho-

ught of her.

" You old cow, " she said to her. " How dare you interfere with my

private concerns? No, don't speak. Don't try to excuse yourself. I

know exactly what you said to Michael. It was unpardonable. I tho-

ught you were a friend of mine. I thought I could rely on you. Well,

that finishes it. I'll never speak to you again. Never. Never. D'you

think I'm impressed by your rotten old money? Oh, it's no good sa-

ying you didn't mean it. Where would you be except for me, I should

like to know. Any distinction you've got, the only importance you ha-

ve in the world, is that you happen to know me. Who's made your

parties go all these years? D'you think that people came to them to

see you? They came to see me. Never again. Never. " It was in point

of fact a monologue rather than a conversation.

Later on, at the cinema, she sat next to Tom as she had intended

and held his hand, but it seemed to her singularly unresponsive. Li-

ke a fish's fin. She suspected that he was thinking uncomfortably of

what Michael had said. She wished that she had had an opportunity

of a few words with him so that she might have told him not to

worry. After all no one could have carried off the incident with more

brilliance than she had. Aplomb; that was the word. She wondered

what it was exactly that Dolly had told Michael. She had better find

out. It would not do to ask Michael, that would look as though she

attached importance to it; she must find out from Dolly herself. It

would be much wiser not to have a row with her. Julia smiled as she

thought of the scene she would have with Dolly. She would be swe-

etness itself, she would wheedle it all out of her, and never give her

an inkling that she was angry. It was curious that it should send a

cold shiver down her back to think that people were talking about

her. After all if she couldn't do what she liked, who could? Her priva-

te life was nobody's business. All the same one couldn't deny that it

wouldn't be very nice if people were laughing at her. She wondered

what Michael would do if he found out the truth. He couldn't very

well divorce her and continue to manage for her. If he had any sen-

se he'd shut his eyes. But Michael was funny in some ways; every

now and then he would get up on his hind legs and start doing his

colonel stuff. He was quite capable of saying all of a sudden that

damn it all, he must behave like a gentleman. Men were such fools;

there wasn't one of them who wouldn't cut off his nose to spite his

face. Of course it wouldn't really matter very much to her. She could

go and act in America for a year till the scandal had died down and

then go into management with somebody else. But it would be a bo-

re. And then there was Roger to consider; he'd feel it, poor lamb;

he'd be humiliated, naturally it was no good shutting one's eyes to

the fact, at her age she'd look a perfect fool being divorced on acco-

unt of a boy of three-and-twenty. Of course she wouldn't be such a

fool as to marry Tom. Would Charles marry her? She turned and in

the half-light looked at his distinguished profile. He had been madly

in love with her for years; he was one of those chivalrous idiots that

a woman could turn round her little finger; perhaps he wouldn't

mind being co-respondent* instead of Tom. That might be a very go-

od way out. Lady Charles Tamerley. It sounded all right. Perhaps she

had been a little imprudent. She had always been very careful when

she went to Tom's flat, but it might be that one of the chauffeurs in

the mews had seen her go in or come out and had thought things.

That class of people had such filthy minds. As far as the night clubs

were concerned, she'd have been only too glad to go with Tom to

quiet little places where no one would see them, but he didn't like

that. He loved a crowd, he wanted to see smart people, and be se-

en. He liked to show her off.

" Damn, " she said to herself. " Damn, damn. "

Julia didn't enjoy her evening at the cinema as much as she had

expected.

NEXT day Julia got Dolly on her private number. " Darling, it seems

ages since I've seen you. What have you been doing with yourself all

this time? "

" Nothing very much. "

Dolly's voice sounded cold.

" Now listen, Roger's coming home tomorrow. You now he's le-

aving Eton for good. I'm sending the car for him early and I want you

to come to lunch. Not a party; only you and me, Michael and Roger. "

" I'm lunching out tomorrow. "

In twenty years Dolly had never been engaged when Julia wanted

her to do something with her. The voice at the other end of the te-

lephone was hostile.

" Dolly, how can you be so unkind? Roger'll be terribly disappoin-

ted. His first day at home; besides, I want to see you. I haven't seen

you for ages and I miss you terribly. Can't you break your engage-

ment, just for this once, darling, and we'll have a good old gossip af-

ter lunch, just you and me? "

No one could be more persuasive than Julia when she liked, no

one could put more tenderness into her voice, nor a more irresistible

appeal. There was a moment's pause and Julia knew that Dolly was

struggling with her wounded feelings.

" All right, darling, I'll manage. "

" Darling. " But when she rang off Julia through clenched teeth

muttered: " The old cow. "

Dolly came. Roger listened politely while she told him that he had

grown and with his grave smile answered her suitably when she said

the sort of things she thought proper to a boy of his age. Julia was

puzzled by him. Without talking much he listened, apparently with

attention, to what the rest of them were saying, but she had an odd

feeling that he was occupied with thoughts of his own. He seemed

to observe them with a detached curiosity like that with which he

might have observed animals in a zoo. It was faintly disquieting.

When the opportunity presented itself she delivered the little bit of

dialogue she had prepared for Dolly's benefit.

" Oh, Roger darling, you know your wretched father's busy tonight.

I've got a couple of seats for the second house at the Palladium and

Tom wants you to dine with him at the Cafe Royal. "

" Oh! " He paused for a second. " All right. "

She turned to Dolly.

" It's so nice for Roger to have somebody like Tom to go about

with. They're great friends, you know. "

Michael gave Dolly a glance. There was a twinkle in his eyes. He

spoke.

" Tom's a very decent sort of boy. He won't let Roger get into any

mischief. "

" I should have thought Roger would prefer to go about with his

Eton friends, " said Dolly.

" Old cow, " thought Julia. " Old cow. "

But when luncheon was over she asked her to come up to her ro-

om.

" I'll get into bed and you can talk to me while I'm resting. A good

old girls' gossip, that's what I want. "

She put her arm affectionately round Dolly's vast waist and led

her upstairs. For a while they spoke of indifferent things, clothes and

servants, make-up and scandal; then Julia, leaning on her elbow, lo-

oked at Dolly with confiding eyes.

" Dolly, there's something I want to talk to you about. I want advi-

ce and you're the only person in the world whose advice I would ta-

ke. I know I can trust you. "

" Of course, darling. "

" It appears that people are saying rather disagreeable things abo-

ut me. Someone's been to Michael and told him that there's a lot of

gossip about me and poor Tom Fennell. "

Though her eyes still wore the charming and appealing look that

she knew Dolly found irresistible, she watched her closely for a start

or for some change in her expression. She saw nothing.

" Who told Michael? "

" I don't know. He won't say. You know what he is when he starts

being a perfect gentleman. "

She wondered if she only imagined that Dolly's features at this

slightly relaxed.

" I want the truth, Dolly. "

" I'm so glad you've asked me, darling. You know how I hate to in-

terfere in other people's business and if you hadn't brought the mat-

ter up yourself nothing would have induced me to mention it. "

" My dear, if I don't know that you're a loyal friend, who does? "

Dolly slipped off her shoes and settled down massively in her cha-

ir. Julia never took her eyes off her.

" You know how malicious people are. You've always led such a

quiet, regular life. You've gone out so little, and then only with Mic-

hael or Charles Tamerley. He's different; of course everyone knows

he's adored you for ages. It seems so funny that all of a sudden you

should run around all over the place with a clerk in the firm that do-

es your accounts. "

" He isn't exactly that. His father has bought him a share in the

firm and he's a junior partner. "

" Yes, he gets four hundred a year. "

" How d'you know? " asked Julia quickly.

This time she was certain that Dolly was disconcerted.

" You persuaded me to go to his firm about my income-tax. One of

the head partners told me. It seems a little strange that on that he

should be able to have a flat, dress the way he does and take peop-

le to night clubs. "

" For all I know his father may make him an allowance. "

" His father's a solicitor in the North of London. You know very well

that if he's bought him a partnership he isn't making him an allo-

wance as well. "

" Surely you don't imagine that I'm keeping him, " said Julia, with a

ringing laugh.

" I don't imagine anything, darling. Other people do. "

Julia liked neither the words Dolly spoke nor the way she said

them. But she gave no sign of her uneasiness.

" It's too absurd. He's Roger's friend much more than mine. Of co-

urse I've been about with him. I felt I was getting too set. I'm tired of

just going to the theatre and taking care of myself. It's no life. After

all if I don't enjoy myself a little now I never shall. I'm getting on,

you know, Dolly, it's no good denying it. You know what Michael is;

of course he's sweet, but he is a bore. "

" No more a bore than he's ever been, " said Dolly acidly.

" I should have thought I was the last person anyone would dream

would have an affair with a boy twenty years younger than myself. "

" Twenty-five, " corrected Dolly. " I should have thought so too. Un-

fortunately he's not very discreet. "

" What do you mean by that? "

" Well, he's told Avice Crichton that he'll get her a part in your

next play. "

" Who the devil is Avice Crichton? "

" Oh, she's a young actress I know. She's as pretty as a picture. "

" He's only a silly kid. I suppose he thinks he can get round Micha-

el. You know what Michael is with his little bits. "

" He says he can get you to do anything he wants. He says you

just eat out of his hand. "

It was lucky for Julia that she was a good actress. For a second

her heart stood still. How could he say a thing like that? The fool.

The blasted fool. But recovering herself at once she laughed lightly.

" What nonsense! I don't believe a word of it. "

" He's a very commonplace, rather vulgar man. It's not surprising

if all the fuss you've made of him has turned his head. "

Julia, smiling good-naturedly, looked at her with ingenuous eyes.

" But, darling, you don't think he's my lover, do you? "

" If I don't, I'm the only person who doesn't. "

" And do you? "

For a minute Dolly did not answer. They looked at one another

steadily, their hearts were black with hatred; but Julia still smiled.

" If you give me your solemn word of honour that he isn't, of cour-

se I'll believe you. "

Julia dropped her voice to a low, grave note. It had a true ring of

sincerity:

" I've never told you a lie yet, Dolly, and I'm too old to begin now. I

give you my solemn word of honour that Tom has never been anyt-

hing more to me than just a friend. "

" You take a great weight off my mind. "

Julia knew that Dolly did not believe her and Dolly was aware that

Julia knew it. She went on.

" But in that case, for your own sake, Julia dear, do be sensible.

Don't go about with this young man any more. Drop him. "

" Oh, I couldn't do that. That would be an admission that people

were right in what they thought. After all, my conscience is clear. I

can afford to hold my head high. I should despise myself if I allowed

my behaviour to be influenced by malicious gossip. "

Dolly slipped her feet back into her shoes and getting her lipstick

out of her bag did her lips.

" Well, dear, you're old enough to know your own mind. "

They parted coldly.

But one or two of Dolly's remarks had been somewhat of a shock

to Julia. They rankled. It was disconcerting that gossip had so nearly

reached the truth. But did it matter? Plenty of women had lovers

and who bothered? And an actress. No one expected an actress to

be a pattern of propriety.

" It's my damned virtue. That's at the bottom of the trouble. "

She had acquired the reputation of a perfectly virtuous woman,

whom the tongue of scandal could not touch, and now it looked as

though her reputation was a prison that she had built round herself.

But there was worse. What had Tom meant by saying that she ate

out of his hand? That deeply affronted her. Silly little fool. How dare

he? She didn't know what to do about it either. She would have liked

to tax him with it. What was the good? He would deny it. The only

thing was to say nothing; it had all gone too far now, she must ac-

cept everything. It was no good not facing the truth, he didn't love

her, he was her lover because it gratified his self-esteem, because it

brought him various things he cared for and because in his own

eyes at least it gave him a sort of position.

" If I had any sense I'd chuck him. " She gave an angry laugh. " It's

easy to say that. I love him. "

The strange thing was that when she looked into her heart it was

not Julia Lambert the woman who resented the affront, she didn't

care for herself, it was the affront to Julia Lambert the actress that

stung her. She had often felt that her talent, genius the critics called

it, but that was a very grand word, her gift, if you like, was not really

herself, not even part of her, but something outside that used her,

Julia Lambert the woman, in order to express itself. It was a strange,

immaterial personality that seemed to descend upon her and it did

things through her that she did not know she was capable of doing.

She was an ordinary, prettyish, ageing woman. Her gift had neither

age nor form. It was a spirit that played on her body as the violinist

plays on his violin. It was the slight to that that galled her.

She tried to sleep. She was so accustomed to sleeping in the af-

ternoon that she could always drop off the moment she composed

herself, but on this occasion she turned restlessly from side to side

and sleep would not come. At last she looked at the clock. Tom of-

ten got back from his office soon after five. She yearned for him; in

his arms was peace, when she was with him nothing else mattered.

She dialled his number.

" Hulloa? Yes. Who is it? "

She held the receiver to her ear, panic-stricken. It was Roger's vo-

ice. She hung up.

NOR did Julia sleep well that night. She was awake when she he-

ard Roger come in, and turning on her light she saw that it was four.

She frowned. He came clattering down the stone stairs next morning

just when she was beginning to think of getting up.

" Can I come in, mummy? "

" Come in. "

He was still in his pyjamas and dressing-gown. She smiled at him

because he looked so fresh and young.

" You were very late last night. "

" No, not very. I was in by one. "

" Liar. I looked at my clock. It was four. "

" All right. It was four then, " he agreed cheerfully.

" What on earth were you doing? "

" We went on to some place after the show and had supper. We

danced. "

" Who with? "

" A couple of girls we picked up. Tom knew them before. "

" What were their names? "

" One was called Jill and one was called Joan. I don't know what

their other names were. Joan's on the stage. She asked me if I co-

uldn't get her an understudy* in your next play. "

At all events neither of them was Avice Crichton. That name had

been in her thoughts ever since Dolly had mentioned it.

" But those places aren't open till four. "

" No, we went back to Tom's flat. Tom made me promise I wo-

uldn't tell you. He said you'd be furious. "

" Oh, my dear, it takes a great deal more than that to make me fu-

rious. I promise you I won't say a word. "

" If anyone's to blame I am. I went to see Tom yesterday afternoon

and we arranged it then. All this stuff about love that one hears abo-

ut in plays and reads in novels. I'm nearly eighteen. I thought I

ought to see for myself what it was all about. "

Julia sat up in bed and looked at Roger with wide, inquiring eyes.

" Roger, what do you mean? "

He was composed and serious.

" Tom said he knew a couple of girls who were all right. He's had

them both himself. They live together and so we phoned and asked

them to meet us after the show. He told them I was a virgin and

they'd better toss up for me. When we got back to the flat he took

Jill into the bedroom and left me the sitting-room and Joan. "

For the moment she did not think of Tom, she was so disturbed at

what Roger was saying.

" I don't think it's so much really. I don't see it's anything to make

all that fuss about. "

She could not speak. The tears filled her eyes and ran quickly

down her face.

" Mummy, what's the matter? Why are you crying? "

" But you're a little boy. "

He came over to her and sitting on the side of her bed took her in

his arms.

" Darling, don't cry. I wouldn't have told you if I'd thought it was

going to upset you. After all, it had to happen sooner or later. "

" But so soon. So soon. It makes me feel so old. "

" Not you, darling. Age cannot wither her, nor custom stale her in-

finite variety. "

She giggled through her tears.

" You fool, Roger, d'you think Cleopatra would have liked what

that silly old donkey said of her? You might have waited a little lon-

ger. "

" It's just as well I didn't. I know all about it now. To tell you the

truth I think it's rather disgusting. "

She sighed deeply. It was a comfort to feel him holding her so

tenderly. But she felt terribly sorry for herself.

" You're not angry with me, darling? " he asked.

" Angry? No. But if it had to come I wish it hadn't been quite so

matter of fact. You talk as though it had just been a rather curious

experiment. "

" I suppose it was in a way. "

She gave him a little smile.

" And you really think that was love? "

" Well, it's what most people mean by it, isn't it? "

" No, they don't, they mean pain and anguish, shame, ecstasy, he-

aven and hell; they mean the sense of living more intensely, and

unutterable boredom; they mean freedom and slavery; they mean

peace and unrest. "

Something in the stillness with which he listened to her made her

give him a glance through her eyelashes. There was a curious exp-

ression in his eyes. She did not know what it meant. It was as tho-

ugh he were gravely listening to a sound that came from a long way

off.

" It doesn't sound as though it were much fun, " he murmured.

She took his smooth face in her hands and kissed his lips.

" I'm a fool, aren't I? You see, I still see you as a little baby boy

that I'm holding in my arms. "

A twinkle shone in his eyes.

" What are you grinning at, you ape? "

" It made a damned good photograph, didn't it? "

She could not but laugh.

" You pig. You filthy pig. "

" I say, about the understudy, is there any chance for Joan? "

" Tell her to come and see me one day. "

But when Roger left her she sighed. She was depressed. She felt