William Somerset Maugham 11 страница

degrees. I hate having to ask you to give me time, but I can't help

myself. "

She sat up on the sofa and put both her hands to her breaking he-

art.

" I don't understand. I've lain awake for two whole nights turning it

all over in my mind. I thought I should go mad. I've been trying to

understand. I can't. I can't. "

(" What play did I say that in? " )

" Oh yes, you can, you understand perfectly. You were angry with

me and you wanted to get back on me. And you did. You got back

on me all right. You couldn't have shown your contempt for me mo-

re clearly. "

" But why should I want to get back on you? Why should I be angry

with you? "

" Because I went to Maidenhead with Roger to that party and you

wanted me to come home. "

" But I told you to go. I said I hoped you'd have a good time. "

" I know you did, but your eyes were blazing with passion. I didn't

want to go, but Roger was keen on it. I told him I thought we ought

to come back and dine with you and Michael, but he said you'd be

glad to have us off your hands, and I didn't like to make a song and

dance about it. And when I saw you were in a rage it was too late to

get out of it. "

" I wasn't in a rage. I can't think how you got such an idea in your

head. It was so natural that you should want to go to the party. You

can't think I'm such a beast as to grudge you a little fun in your fort-

night's holiday. My poor lamb, my only fear was that you would be

bored. I so wanted you to have a good time. "

" Then why did you send me that money and write me that letter?

It was so insulting. "

Julia's voice faltered. Her jaw began to tremble and the loss of

control over her muscles was strangely moving. Tom looked away

uneasily.

" I couldn't bear to think of your having to throw away your good

money on tips. I know that you're not terribly rich and I knew you'd

spent a lot on green fees. * I hate women who go about with young

men and let them pay for everything. It's so inconsiderate. I treated

you just as I'd have treated Roger. I never thought it would hurt your

feelings. "

" Will you swear that? "

" Of course I will. My God, is it possible that after all these months

you don't know me better than that? If what you think were true,

what a mean, cruel, despicable woman I should be, what a cad,

what a heartless, vulgar beast! Is that what you think I am? "

A poser.

" Anyhow it doesn't matter. I ought never to have accepted valu-

able presents from you and allowed you to lend me money. It's put

me in a rotten position. Why I thought you despised me is that I

can't help feeling that you've got a right to. The fact is I can't afford

to run around with people who are so much richer than I am. I was a

fool to think I could. It's been fun and I've had a grand time, but now

I'm through. I'm not going to see you any more. "

She gave a deep sigh.

" You don't care two hoots for me. That's what that means. "

" That's not fair. "

" You're everything in the world to me. You know that. I'm so lo-

nely and your friendship meant a great deal to me. I'm surrounded

by hangers-on and parasites and I knew you were disinterested. I

felt I could rely on you. I so loved being with you. You were the only

person in the world with whom I could be entirely myself. Don't you

know what a pleasure it was to me to help you a little? It wasn't for

your sake I made you little presents, it was for my own; it made me

so happy to see you using the things I'd given you. If you'd cared for

me at all they wouldn't have humiliated you, you'd have been touc-

hed to owe me something. "

She turned her eyes on him once more. She could always cry

easily, and she was really so miserable now that she did not have to

make even a small effort. He had never seen her cry before. She co-

uld cry, without sobbing, her wonderful dark eyes wide open, with a

face that was almost rigid. Great heavy tears ran down it. And her

quietness, the immobility of the tragic body, were terribly moving.

She hadn't cried like that since she cried in The Stricken Heart.

Christ, how that play had shattered her. She was not looking at Tom,

she was looking straight in front of her; she was really distracted

with grief, but, what was it? another self within her knew what she

was doing, a self that shared in her unhappiness and yet watched its

expression. She felt him go white. She felt a sudden anguish wring

his heartstrings, she felt that his flesh and blood could not support

the intolerable pain of hers.

" Julia. "

His voice was broken. She slowly turned her liquid eyes on him. It

was not a woman crying that he saw, it was all the woe of human-

kind, it was the immeasurable, the inconsolable grief that is the lot

of man. He threw himself down on his knees and took her in his

arms. He was shattered.

" Dearest, dearest. "

For a minute she did not move. It was as if she did not know that

he was there. He kissed her streaming eyes and with his mouth so-

ught hers. She gave it to him as though she were powerless, as tho-

ugh, scarcely conscious of what was befalling her, she had no will

left. With a scarcely perceptible movement she pressed her body to

his and gradually her arms found their way round his neck. She lay

in his arms, not exactly inert, but as though all the strength, all the

vitality, had gone out of her. In his mouth he tasted the saltness of

her tears. At last, exhausted, clinging to him with soft arms she sank

back on the sofa. His lips clung to hers.

You would never have thought had you seen her a quarter of an

hour later, so quietly gay, flushed a little, that so short a while befo-

re she had passed through such a tempest of weeping. They each

had a whisky and soda and a cigarette and looked at one another

with fond eyes.

" He's a sweet little thing, " she thought.

It occurred to her that she would give him a treat.

" The Duke and Duchess of Rickaby are coming to the play tonight

and we're going to have supper at the Savoy. I suppose you wo-

uldn't come, would you? I want a man badly to make a fourth. "

" If you'd like me to, of course I will. "

The heightened colour on his cheeks told her how excited he was

to meet such distinguished persons. She did not tell him that the

Rickabys would go anywhere for a free meal. Tom took back the pre-

sents that he had returned to her rather shyly, but he took them.

When he had gone she sat down at the dressing-table and had a go-

od look at herself.

" How lucky I am that I can cry without my eyelids swelling, " she

said. She massaged them a little. " All the same, what mugs men

are. "

She was happy. Everything would be all right now. She had got

him back. But somewhere, at the back of her mind or in the bottom

of her heart, was a feeling of ever so slight contempt for Tom beca-

use he was such a simple fool.

THEIR quarrel, destroying in some strange way the barrier betwe-

en them, brought them closer together. Tom offered less resistance

than she had expected when she mooted once more the question of

the flat. It looked as though, after their reconciliation, having taken

back her presents and consented to forget the loan, he had put asi-

de his moral scruples. They had a lot of fun furnishing it. The chauf-

feur's wife kept it clean for him and cooked his breakfast. Julia had a

key and would sometimes let herself in and sit by herself in the little

sitting-room till he came back from his office. They supped together

two or three times a week and danced, then drove back to the flat in

a taxi. Julia enjoyed a happy autumn. The play they put on was a

success. She felt alert and young. Roger was coming home at Christ-

mas, but only for a fortnight, and was then going to Vienna. Julia ex-

pected him to monopolize Tom and she was determined not to

mind. Youth naturally appealed to youth and she told herself that

there was no reason for her to feel anxious if for a few days the two

of them were so wrapped up in one another that Tom had no tho-

ught for her. She held him now. He was proud to be her lover, it ga-

ve him confidence in himself, and he was pleased to be on familiar

terms with a large number of more or less distinguished persons

whom after all he only knew through her. He was anxious now to jo-

in a good club and Julia was preparing the ground. Charles had ne-

ver refused her anything, and with tact she was certain that she co-

uld wheedle him into proposing Tom for one of those to which he be-

longed. It was a new and delicious sensation for Tom to have money

to spend; she encouraged him to be extravagant; she had a notion

that he would get used to living in a certain way and then would re-

alize that he could not do without her.

" Of course it can't last, " she told herself, " but when it comes to an

end it will have been a wonderful experience for him. It'll really have

made a man of him. "

But though she told herself that it could not last she did not see

really why it shouldn't. As the years went by and he grew older the-

re wouldn't be any particular difference between them. He would no

longer be so very young in ten or fifteen years and she would be just

the same age as she was now. They were very comfortable toget-

her. Men were creatures of habit; that gave women such a hold on

them. She did not feel a day older than he, and she was convinced

that the disparity in their ages had never even occurred to him. It

was true that on this point she had once had a moment's disquietu-

de. She was lying on his bed. He was standing at the dressing-table,

in his shirt sleeves, brushing his hair. She was stark naked and she

lay in the position of a Venus by Titian that she remembered to have

seen in a country house at which she had stayed. She felt that she

made really a lovely picture, and in complete awareness of the char-

ming sight she offered, held the pose. She was happy and satisfied.

" This is romance, " she thought, and a light, quick smile hovered

over her lips.

He caught sight of her in the mirror, turned round and without a

word, twitched the sheet over her. Though she smiled at him affecti-

onately, it gave her quite a turn. Was he afraid that she would catch

cold or was it that his English modesty was shocked at her naked-

ness? Or could it be that, his boyish lust satisfied, he was a trifle dis-

gusted at the sight of her ageing body? When she got home she

again took all her clothes off and examined herself in the looking-

glass. She determined not to spare herself. She looked at her neck,

there was no sign of age there, especially when she held her chin

up; and her breasts were small and firm; they might have been a

girl's. Her belly was flat, her hips were small, there was a very small

roll of fat there, like a long sausage, but everyone had that, and

anyhow Miss Phillips could have a go at it. No one could say that her

legs weren't good, they were long and slim and comely; she passed

her hands over her body, her skin was as soft as velvet and there

wasn't a blemish on it. Of course there were a few wrinkles under

her eyes, but you had to peer to see them; they said there was an

operation now by which you could get rid of them, it might be worth

while to inquire into that; it was lucky that her hair had retained its

colour; however well hair was dyed, to dye hardened the face; hers

remained a rich, deep brown. Her teeth were all right too.

" Prudishness, that's all it was. " She had a moment's recollection

of the Spaniard with the beard in the wagon-lit and she smiled rogu-

ishly at herself in the glass.

" No damned modesty about him. "

But all the same from that day on she took care to act up to

Tom's standards of decency.

Julia's reputation was so good that she felt she need not hesitate

to show herself with Tom in public places. It was a new experience

for her to go to night clubs, she enjoyed it, and though no one could

have been better aware than she that she could go nowhere without

being stared at, it never entered her head that such a change in her

habits must excite comment. With twenty years of fidelity behind

her, for of course she did not count the Spaniard, an accident that

might happen to any woman, Julia was confident that no one would

imagine for a moment that she was having an affair with a boy yo-

ung enough to be her son. It never occurred to her that perhaps

Tom was not always so discreet as he might have been. It never oc-

curred to her that the look in her eyes when they danced together

betrayed her. She looked upon her position as so privileged that it

never occurred to her that people at last were beginning to gossip.

When this gossip reached the ears of Dolly de Vries she laughed.

At Julia's request she had invited Tom to parties and once or twice

had him down for a week-end in the country, but she had never paid

any attention to him. He seemed a nice little thing, a useful escort

for Julia when Michael was busy, but perfectly insignificant. He was

one of those persons who everywhere pass unnoticed, and even af-

ter you had met him you could not remember what he was like. He

was the extra man you invited to dinner to make an odd number

even. Julia talked of him gaily as " me boy friend" or as " my young

man"; she could hardly have been so cool about it, so open, if there

were anything in it. Besides, Dolly knew very well that the only two

men there had ever been in Julia's life were Michael and Charles Ta-

merley. But it was funny of Julia, after taking so much care of herself

for years, suddenly to start going to night clubs three or four times a

week. Dolly had seen little of her of late and indeed had been so-

mewhat piqued by her neglect. She had many friends in theatrical

circles and she began to make inquiries. She did not at all like what

she heard. She did not know what to think. One thing was evident,

Julia couldn't know what was being said about her, and someone

must tell her. Not she; she hadn't the courage. Even after all these

years she was a little frightened of Julia. Julia was a very good-tem-

pered woman, and though her language was often brusque it was

hard to ruffle her; but there was something about her that preven-

ted you from taking liberties with her; you had a feeling that if once

you went too far you would regret it. But something must be done.

Dolly turned the matter over in her mind for a fortnight, anxiously;

she tried to put her own wounded feelings aside and look at it only

from the point of view of Julia's career, and at last she came to the

conclusion that Michael must speak to her. She had never liked Mic-

hael, but after all he was Julia's husband and it was her duty to tell

him at least enough to make him put a stop to whatever was going

on.

She rang Michael up and made an appointment with him at the

theatre. Michael liked Dolly as little as she liked him, though for ot-

her reasons, and when he heard that she wanted to see him he swo-

re. He was annoyed that he had never been able to induce her to

sell out her shares in the management, and he resented whatever

suggestions she made as an unwarrantable interference. But when

she was shown into his office he greeted her with cordiality. He kis-

sed her on both cheeks.

" Sit down and make yourself comfy. Come to see that the old

firm's still raking in dividends for you? "

Dolly de Vries was now a woman of sixty. She was very fat, and

her face, with its large nose and heavy red lips, seemed larger than

life. There was a slightly masculine touch in her black satin dress,

but she wore a double string of pearls round her neck, a diamond

brooch at her waist and another in her hat. Her short hair was dyed

a rich copper. Her lips and her finger-nails were bright red. Her voice

was loud and deep, but when she got excited the words were apt to

tumble over one another and a slight cockney accent revealed itself.

" Michael, I'm upset about Julia. "

Michael, always the perfect gentleman, slightly raised his eyeb-

rows and compressed his thin lips. He was not prepared to discuss

his wife even with Dolly.

" I think she's doing a great deal too much. I don't know what's co-

me over her. All these parties she's going to now. These night clubs

and things. After all, she's not a young woman any more; she'll just

wear herself out. "

" Oh, nonsense. She's as strong as a horse and she's in the best of

health. She's looking younger than she has for years. You're not go-

ing to grudge her a bit of fun when her day's work is over. The part

she's playingjust now doesn't take it out of her; I'm very glad that

she should want to go out and amuse herself. It only shows how

much vitality she has. "

" She never cared for that sort of thing before. It seems so strange

that she should suddenly take to dancing till two in the morning in

the horrible atmosphere of those places. "

" It's the only exercise she gets. I can't expect her to put on shorts

and come for a run with me in the park. "

" I think you ought to know that people are beginning to talk. It's

doing her reputation a lot of harm. "

" What the devil d'you mean by that? "

" Well, it's absurd that at her age she should make herself so cons-

picuous with a young boy. "

He looked at her for a moment without understanding, and when

he caught what she meant he laughed loud.

" Tom? Don't be such a fool, Dolly. "

" I'm not a fool. I know what I'm talking about. When anyone's as

well known as Julia and she's always about with the same man natu-

rally people talk. "

" But Tom's just as much my friend as hers. You know very well

that I can't take Julia out dancing. I have to get up every morning at

eight to get my exercise in before my day's work. Hang it all, I do

know something about human nature after thirty years on the stage.

Tom's a very good type of clean honest English boy and he's by way

of being a gentleman. I dare say he admires Julia, boys of that age

often think they're in love with women older than themselves, well,

it won't do him any harm, it'll do him good; but to think Julia could

possibly give him a thought - my poor Dolly, you make me laugh. "

" He's boring, he's dull, he's common and he's a snob. "

" Well, if you think he's all that, doesn't it strike you as rather

strange that Julia should be so wrapped up in him as you seem to

think? "

" Only a woman knows what a woman can do. "

" That's not a bad line, Dolly. We shall have you writing a play

next. Now let's get this straight. Can you look me in the face and tell

me that you really think Julia is having an affair with Tom? "

She looked him in the face. Her eyes were anguished. For though

at first she had only laughed at what was being said about Julia she

had not been able altogether to suppress the doubts that soon assa-

iled her; she remembered a dozen little incidents that at the time

had escaped her notice, but when considered in cold blood looked

terribly suspicious. She had suffered such torture as she had never

thought it possible to endure. Proof? She had no proof; she only had

an intuition that she could not mistrust; she wanted to say yes, the

impulse to do so was almost uncontrollable; she controlled it. She

could not give Julia away. The fool might go and tell her and Julia

would never speak to her again. He might have Julia watched and

catch her out. No one could tell what might happen if she told the

truth.

" No, I don't. "

Her eyes filled with tears and began to roll down her massive che-

eks. Michael saw her misery. He thought her ridiculous, but he reali-

zed that she was suffering and in the kindness of his heart sought to

console her.

" I was sure you didn't really. You know how fond Julia is of you,

you mustn't be jealous, you know, if she has other friends. "

" God knows I don't grudge her anything, " she sobbed. " She's be-

en so different to me lately. She's been so cold. I've been such a lo-

yal friend to her, Michael. "

" Yes, dear, I know you have. "

" Had I but served my God with half the zeal I served my King... "

" Oh, come now, it's not so bad as that. You know, I'm not the sort

of chap to talk about his wife to other people. I always think that's

such frightfully bad form. But you know, honestly you don't know

the first thing about Julia. Sex doesn't mean a thing to her. When we

were first married it was different, and I don't mind telling you after

all these years that she made life a bit difficult for me. I don't say

she was a nymphomaniac or anything like that, but she was inclined

to be rather tiresome sometimes. Bed's all very well in its way, but

there are other things in life. But after Roger was born she changed

completely. Having a baby settled her. All those instincts went into

her acting. You've read Freud, Dolly; what does he call it when that

happens? "

" Oh, Michael, what do I care about Freud? "

" Sublimation. That's it. I often think that's what's made her such a

great actress. Acting's a whole time job and if you want to be really

good you've got to give your whole self to it. I'm so impatient with

the public who think actors and actresses lead a devil of a life. We

haven't got the time for that sort of nonsense. "

What Michael was saying made her so angry that she recovered

her self-control.

" But Michael, it may be that you and I know that there's nothing

wrong in Julia's going about all the time with that miserable little

pip-squeak. * It's so bad for her reputation. After all, one of your gre-

at assets has been your exemplary married life. Everyone has lo-

oked up to you. The public has loved to think of you as such a devo-

ted and united couple. "

" And so we are, damn it. "

Dolly was growing impatient.

" But I tell you people are talking. You can't be so stupid as not to

see that they're bound to. I mean, if Julia had had one flagrant affair

after another, nobody would take any notice, but after the life she's

led for so many years suddenly to break out like this - naturally

everybody starts chattering. It's so bad for business. "

Michael gave her a swift glance. He smiled a little.

" I see what you mean, Dolly. I dare say there's something in what

you say and in the circumstances I feel that you have a perfect right

to say it. You were awfully good to us when we started and I should

hate to see you let down now. I'll tell you what, I'll buy you out. "

" Buy me out? "

Dolly straightened herself and her face, a moment ago rumpled

and discomposed, hardened. She was seized with indignation. He

went on suavely.

" I see your point. If Julia's gadding about all night it must tell on

her performances. That's obvious. She's got a funny sort of public, a

lot of old ladies come to our matinees because they think she's such

a sweet good woman. I don't mind admitting that if she gets herself

unpleasantly talked about it might have some effect on the takings.

I know Julia well enough to know that she wouldn't put up with any

interference with her liberty of action. I'm her husband and I've got

to put up with it. But you're in a different position altogether. I sho-

uldn't blame you if you wanted to get out while the going was go-

od. "

Dolly was alert now. She was far from a fool and when it came to

business was a match for Michael. She was angry, but her anger ga-

ve her self-control.

" I should have thought after all these years, Michael, that you

knew me better than that. I thought it my duty to warn you, but I'm

prepared to take the rough with the smooth. I'm not the woman to

desert a sinking ship. I dare say I can afford to lose my money better

than you can. "

It gave her a great deal of satisfaction to see the disappointment

that was clearly expressed on Michael's face. She knew how much