21. Drama. 22. Inside Out

21. Drama

Jonathan wasn’t around in the morning. Neither was my mother. I was still too upset to face either of them.

My mother returned around noon with a shopping bag in her hand.

" I'm really sorry, " she said unable to meet my eyes as she set the shopping bag on the couch next to me. She hesitated a moment, fidgeting with her hands and shifting uncomfortably. Without saying anything more, she turned and went up to her room.

I watched after her until she disappeared, then opened the bag and pulled out a green sweater. It wasn't the same one. But that wasn't the point.

" Thanks, " I said from the entrance of her bedroom as she folded clothes from the laundry basket and stuffed them into her drawers.

" Are you mad at me? " She sounded small and fragile.

" No, " I returned with a small smile.

" Can I still go to the game tonight? " Her blue eyes were big and sorrowful; her lower lip stuck out in an exaggerated pout.

" Yes, " I laughed lightly at her comical expression― reminiscent of a child getting caught for coloring on the walls.

“Great! What are you doing after the game tonight? ” My mother asked, her voice suddenly peppy and excited.

“Uh, I’m not sure, ” I fumbled, still not used to the quick flip of her moods. “Jill and Casey were talking about going to a party; Sarah’s at Cornell again visiting Jared. But Evan and I haven’t made any commitments. ”

I leaned against the door frame.

“You can come in, ” my mother encouraged, hanging up her clothes in the closet.

I hadn’t really seen my mother’s room before. It was always dark when I'd entered to help her to bed. It was simply decorated with white curtains hanging on the windows. The leaf patterned comforter splayed across her bed was still rumpled, as if she'd made it by pulling the comforter over the distressed sheets.

A dresser with a mirror sat across from the bed with necklaces dangling from the mirror’s edges. Perfume bottles and rings were scattered on its scratched surface. A framed picture caught my eye.

“I’m not sure what to wear tonight, ” she sighed.

“It’s just a basketball game, so jeans work, ” I advised, picking up the frame to examine it more closely. It wasn’t a picture at all, but a drawing done in pencil. The shading and detailing were phenomenal. I brought it closer to inspect the strokes of the artist’s work.

“Yeah, but I'm hoping― ” She stopped to watch me. I quickly set the portrait down, afraid that I’d upset her by touching her things.

“You can look at it, ” she encouraged.

I picked up the frame again and looked from the drawing to her, realizing it was my mother captured in a laugh, done before the stress around her eyes and lines around her mouth had formed. Her happiness was evident. I couldn’t help but smile looking at it.

“You don’t remember that drawing, do you? ” she asked, studying me. My eyes twitched, puzzled by her question. “Your father drew that, back before you were born. You used to stare at that picture all the time when you were little. ”

“I did? ”

“Derek drew pictures for you too. You’d sit at the kitchen table and he’d ask what your favorite part of the day was, and then he’d draw it for you. You had his drawings plastered all over your room. Don’t you remember? ”

I scanned the floor, searching my memory, wanting to recall the moments she spoke of. I could hear laughter, and catch a glimpse of his face, but the memories refused to form. I shook my head, knitting my brows together in frustration.

“Do you remember anything? ” my mother inquired, her tone was careful. She examined my confused face like she was just as confounded. " You mean you don't... remember... What I went through when... Why you had to go... "

I was unable to follow her cryptic sentences. She shook her head slowly and stared into the distance, or perhaps the past. She closed her eyes and swallowed, then composed herself easily, not a trace of distress left upon her face.

“Want to go out to dinner before the game? It’s at seven, right? ”

I couldn't answer for a moment. Completely confused by what I'd just witnessed. “Yes it is. And sure, why not. ” I tried to smile but faltered, still disturbed by the sheen in her eyes that she was trying to smile away. I decided not to ask what I should be remembering. Not today.

“I should get some homework done since Evan and I are going hiking tomorrow. Let me know when you’re ready to leave. ”

“Okay, ” she replied, going back to her closet.

I closed my door and sat on my bed, replaying the stunned look on her face when she realized I couldn't remember anything. I'd never been aware of how little I could recall from my childhood. I was always so determined to focus on my future and getting out of Weslyn. I'd held on to the feelings of being safe and happy for so long. That had always been enough for me. But now, I wanted to remember. Somehow it was important that I figure out what happened in the blank spaces of my life.

I opened my closet and reached for the stack of pictures under my sweatshirts on the shelf. I laid them on my bed and returned to my door to slide the lock in place, concerned how my mother would react if she saw I'd kept the pictures she’d smashed at the bottom of the stairs.

I sat on my bed and slowly flipped through the images. There was a photo of my father holding me right after I was born; another of me on his lap while sitting on the rocking chair, holding a book. I ran my finger along his cheering face, as we kicked a soccer ball back and forth. He looked so happy. We looked so happy. My mother wasn’t in a single picture. I could only assume she was the one taking them.

There were others of the two of them, laughing and obviously in love. I expected to see a wedding picture, but there wasn't one. I figured she'd kept those safe somewhere, or I hoped anyway.

After examining every detail of each photo, I lay back on my bed and shut my eyes. I tried to conjure up an image, begging for the vault to open. But nothing came― not a single moment. I sighed in frustration and slid the photos back under the sweatshirts.

I went downstairs and turned on the television, but my focus kept drifting toward the rocking chair. I did remember the chair― that was something. I thought of the picture of my father reading to me in it, and tried to picture the actual moment. Nothing.

“Ready? ”

I jumped, suddenly pulled out of my head. My mother slid her arms in her coat, studying me oddly.

“What are you thinking about? ” she asked, trying to read my face.

“Nothing. ” I shook my head. Maybe it was better not to remember.

I noted my mother’s choice of a tight denim mini skirt with leggings. She did take my advice to wear jeans, but not quite in the way I’d hoped. Considering her daring attire, I hoped I could convince her to sit in the parents’ section, although that wasn’t exactly a gossip-free zone either.

For dinner, we ended up at a small crowded pub, where college basketball games on the screens incited spontaneous hollers from the patrons.

" I don't know if Jonathan's coming tonight, " she told me after ordering a beer from the overly-friendly server. Her face was drawn as she stared at the menu. " I was so awful last night. "

" He told me about going to USC in the fall, " I consoled. " I'm sure that was hard for you. I know how much you like him. "

" I thought I fell for him, " she admitted, setting down her menu with a sigh. " I don't know. I'm so confused. A part of me wants to end it and move on since it's going to end anyway. But the other part knows how much I'll miss him, and if I can still be with him for five more months, then why not? " She looked to me in expectation. " What do you think I should do? "

I hesitated, not sure what to say. " Whatever will make you happiest, " I finally offered.

" That sounds easier than it is, " she sighed. " It's going to hurt either way. I hope he comes tonight. I apologized to him like a million times today. He said he'd try, but he has a project due at work, so he wasn't sure if he could make it.

" And I'm sorry about accusing you of... you know. "

I took a sip of my water, hoping we were going to avoid that part of last night.

“It’s just that I know you two get along. I hear you talking and laughing in the middle of the night. Sometimes I think he waits to hear you get up before he goes downstairs― like he doesn't even try to sleep. I know that sounds paranoid and crazy. I mean, you're my daughter, and... ”

“He wouldn't do that, ” I consoled, freaked by her jealous thoughts. " Besides, we really don't talk about anything interesting, I swear. Maybe you should ask him... you know, about his nightmare. "

" I've tried. " She paused to let the server set our burgers in front of us. " Does he tell you what it's about? "

I shook my head.

“He’s been distant lately. I think I screwed up and he's not going to want to be with me, not even for the short time before he leaves. I mean, we haven’t had sex in over a week. ”

I about choked up the bite of cheeseburger I’d just swallowed.

" Sorry, " she grimaced. " That was probably too much information. "

" A little, " I admitted with a cough.

When we arrived at the school Jonathan wasn’t there, as my mother had anticipated. I couldn’t bring myself to ask her to sit away from the students’ section after watching her face drop when she received Jonathan’s text.

“He’s running late, ” she muttered, dropping her phone into her purse. “I know he's not coming. ”

“Maybe he didn’t get what he needed done for work yet, ” I offered, trying to cheer her up. My words bounced right off as if they were never said.

We bought sodas at the concession stand and made our way to the bleachers.

“Hey, Rachel! ” a few voices hollered.

“Hi, Mark! Hi, James! ” she yelled back with a bright smile, her sullen mood masked instantly.

“You know people? ” I questioned in disbelief.

“Where do you think I sit during your games? ”

“Oh, ” I mouthed, never considering it before. I was shocked when more faces recognized her. She knew more people in my school than I did.

“Hi, Rachel, ” Casey burst out, cutting across the bleachers to get to us, with Jill right behind her. “What are you doing here? ”

“Watching Evan, ” my mother explained. Casey nodded like it made sense.

“Hey, Emma, ” Jill greeted, sitting next to Casey, who opted to sit next to my mother. I was starting to feel like a stranger even amongst my friends― who evidently preferred my mother over me.

“Where’s Jonathan? ” Jill asked, making my eyes widen.

My mother shrugged evasively, not looking away from the court as they were about to tip the ball. The cheering erupted around us as the ball flew into the air.

She chanted along with the rest of the school, like she was just another student. I was a spectator, not only to the game, but to my mother’s popularity― it was beyond strange.

As the half progressed, she became more boisterous and made remarks that sent those around her into fits of laughter. I grew suspicious as she became more verbal. Something was off. Her popularity grew the more vocal she became. The boys scooted in around her. I would have been nudged out my position next to her if I wasn’t her daughter.

During halftime, my mother disappeared into the bathroom with Casey and Jill. I followed a few minutes later to find her dumping the contents of her flask into their fountain sodas. Her flagrant personality suddenly made sense― I should've known better.

“Casey, you were supposed to lock the door, ” Jill scolded with a huff.

“Sorry, ” Casey responded guiltily. “But it’s just Emma. ”

My mother watched for my reaction. " You're not mad, right? "

I looked from one face to the other as they waited for me to say something. I shook my head and stepped into the first stall without a word. I leaned against the wall and listened as they giggled and Casey gushed about some cute boy sitting behind them.

" Do you want us to wait for you? " my mother called out.

" No, it's okay, " I responded, trying to keep my voice steady. My insides were a slithering mess. I couldn't believe I'd caught my mother feeding my friends alcohol so they could get drunk together. I took a breath and tried to clear my head, to think of how to keep this from escalating out of control.

I pulled out my phone and sent Jonathan a text, Are you still coming?

If Jonathan didn’t show up, then I knew my mother would just keep drinking, and the more she drank, the more unpredictable she'd become. This was going to be horrible.

My phone beeped. On my way. There in 15.

I contemplated waiting for him so I wouldn’t have to return to the bleachers alone. In the end, I trudged back to my seat beside my inebriated mother and her giggling clique. I kept glancing over at them, watching as they laughed and gossiped.

Finally, I saw Jonathan along the sideline, scanning the bleachers to find us. My mother stood and waved frantically, making her easy to spot. He climbed the steps closest to me and excused himself across the row. I scooted over so he could sit between me and my mother.

Before he could say anything, she leaned over and kissed him. He pulled back in surprise.

“What? ” she snapped as he pulled his brows together.

“Are you drunk? ”

She shrugged with a smirk.

“At a high school basketball game? Really, Rachel? ” Jonathan didn’t even try to sugarcoat his disapproval.

My mother huffed with a roll of her eyes. “What happened to you? You used to be fun. ” She turned her back to him and started cheering along with the girls.

Jonathan turned toward me. “So, what happened? ”

I shrugged. “She’s afraid you don't care about her anymore. ”

“Why? ” he questioned emphatically. “Because I had to work? ”

I didn't answer, and sunk further into the bleachers― not sure how to make this whole thing go away.

My mother reached into her purse and took out her mini Altoids tin.

“Are you serious? ” Jonathan accused as she popped a pill in her mouth.

“Well, if you’re not going to be any fun, then I need something to make me happy. ”

“What was that? ” I asked, having seen her pop the little white pills too many times to count, without really knowing what they were. Jonathan only shook his head in disgust.

He observed her silently as she grew more and more enthusiastic, drawing more attention. His jaw set and the tendons in his neck tightened.

About five minutes later he muttered angrily, “I'm sorry, Emma, but I can’t― I can’t do this. ” Jonathan stood up and passed by me toward the steps.

“Where are you going? ” my mother yelled after him. He didn’t look back. I could only watch after him in shock as he paced down the sideline and out the gym doors.

“Where is he going? ” she demanded in a panic.

“I don’t know, ” I replied uneasily.

“Make him stop, ” she pled, about to cry. “Please, Emma, you have to stop him from leaving. ”

She sniffled and her eyes flickered, coated with tears.

“Okay, okay, ” I comforted desperately. “I’ll stop him. ”

Jill turned toward my mother and her smile changed to a look of concern. " Rachel, what's wrong? "

" Please help her calm down, " I begged Jill before I rushed down the steps and out of the gym. Jonathan was nearing the exit when I caught up with him.

“Jonathan! ” I called after him. He turned at the sound of my voice. “Where are you going? ”

He waited for me to near before he said, “Emma, I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to be responsible for her every time she gets paranoid and emotional. ” He sounded defeated, releasing a heavy breath.

“Please don’t leave, ” I begged. “If you do, I am so afraid she’s going to make a huge scene, and I don’t know how to handle that. ”

Jonathan hesitated, deciding what to do. My stomach was a mess just thinking about the potential breakdown my mother was on the verge of having in front of the entire school.

“Are you leaving me? ” my mother asked from behind us. “I knew you were. ”

“Rachel, stop, ” Jonathan stated firmly. “Not here. ”

“Then where? What does it matter where it happens? I know you don't want to be with me anymore, no matter what you said last night. ”

“Mom, let me drive you home, ” I urged. “I’ll get our jackets. ”

“Don’t call me that, ” she snapped, stumbling slightly as she took a few steps toward Jonathan. I remained still, frozen by her harsh tone. Her eyes watered as she took another step in Jonathan’s direction. “Please don’t leave me. I can’t lose you too. ”

“Let Emma drive you home, ” he requested lowly, glancing toward me to make sure I was still okay with driving her. I nodded slightly. “I’ll meet you there and we’ll talk. Okay? ”

“Why can’t I leave with you? ” she sulked, starting to sniffle.

“I know you’ll want to talk as soon as we get in the truck, and I can’t. I’ll meet you at the house where we can sit down and talk. ” Before she could say another word, he left. Tears started draining from my mother’s eyes. I sighed and tried to remain composed, despite the crushing feeling in my chest.

I texted Jill to hold on to our jackets. I’d get them from her later.

“Come on, ” I encouraged softly, not sure if I should touch her or not. “Let’s go. ”

She trailed after me to the car. Her legs lazily crossed in front of each other as her balance waivered.

My mother stared out the window the entire ride to the house. I kept my eyes on the road, not wanting to watch her suffer beside me. Jonathan’s truck awaited us in the driveway when I pulled in. I hesitated to get out of the car, watching her stumble up the steps.

I really wanted to leave, to not witness what was about to happen. But I couldn't. I had to be here for her, no matter what happened. I pulled out my phone to text Evan, Had to drive my mother home. Sorry I missed you― call me when you can.

The cool temperature started settling in around me, so I took a deep breath and headed into the house. As soon as I opened the door, I wished I hadn’t.

“This isn’t going to work, ” Jonathan told her. “How do you expect me to talk to you if you’re going to continue to drink? ”

“Fine, ” my mother yelled, throwing the wine glass on the floor, shattering it and spraying red wine all over. “I won’t drink. ”

The shattering glass paralyzed me with the door handle still in my grasp.

“Rachel! ” Jonathan hollered. “What the hell is wrong with you? ”

I quietly shut the door behind me. But I wasn’t quiet enough.

“She’s what’s wrong with me, ” my mother pointed. My eyes widened as I looked from my mother's finger to Jonathan's disgusted stance, his hands on his hips. I opened my mouth in confusion, not understanding what I'd done to warrant the spiteful look on her face.

“This has nothing to do with Emma, so don’t even start. ”

“Why do you keep calling her that? ” she snapped. “Her name is Emily. And she's going to take you away too, just like him. ” Her words cut into me like slicing barbs. I had no idea where the hostility was coming from, but it was incapacitating. I remained frozen, unable to find the words to soothe her or defend myself.

“You’re not making any sense, ” Jonathan argued. “I’m not staying here to listen to this. ” Jonathan walked toward the door.

I had nearly made it to the top step when more glass shattered in the kitchen.

“What the fuck, Rachel?! ” Jonathan turned quickly at the sound. “You don’t throw a fit every time you don’t get your way. ”

“Don’t leave, ” she whimpered, followed by the sound of glass crunching.

“Don’t move, ” he urged. “You’re stepping on glass. ”

Jonathan disappeared into the kitchen and emerged carrying my mother in his arms, her head resting on his chest and her face slicked with tears.

“Will you stay? ” she slurred. Jonathan didn’t answer, but continued up the stairs and into her room.

I exhaled, my chest tight from the tension that consumed the house. I considered following after him to help her into bed, but I couldn't bring myself to face her. Instead I crept down the stairs to investigate the mess. I stopped in the doorway, scanning the kitchen with a shake of my head. Trying to avoid the wine that covered most of the floor, I carefully stepped over the shards of broken glass and pieces of the wine bottle. As I reached for the broom, my phone rang.

I pulled it out to see Evan’s name displayed. I took a deep breath before answering, “Hi. ”

“Hey. Got your text. Is everything okay? ”

“Oh, yeah, ” I replied, trying to sound as casual as possible. “My mother and Jonathan got into another fight, so I had to drive her home. She was overly dramatic as usual, so I had to listen to her go off for a while. Sorry I didn’t get to see you after the game. ”

“Are you sure you're okay? ”

" Yeah, I'm fine. She's about to go to bed now anyway, all talked out. " My stomach turned at my lie. “Can I meet you at your place in a little bit? I’d really love to see you. ” I wanted nothing more than to be released from the consuming emotions, and being in Evan's arms was exactly what I needed.

“Ah, I um, ” Evan stumbled, a few voices hollered in the background as he stalled.

“Are you ready? ” I heard a girl ask, sounding closer.

“Just a second, ” he answered her. My heart skipped a beat, knowing exactly who she was. “I just, uh, promised Analise that I’d take her to Jeff’s party. It’s her first one and she doesn’t know many people yet. But I can see if she can go with someone else or something. Let me― ”

“It's okay. ” I tried to sound unaffected, despite the pain twisting in my chest. “You go. I'm pretty tired anyway. ”

“Em, are you sure? ”

“Yeah, I'm fine, ” I said, swallowing against the tightness in my throat, forcing the emotion out of my voice. “It’s been a stupid night, and I’m really exhausted. I’ll see you tomorrow? ” My voice shook despite my efforts. I closed my eyes to fend off the tears.

“Okay, ” he answered, and before he could say anything else, I hung up the phone. I stood in the middle of the kitchen with the broom in my hand, trying to breathe against the swelling in my chest.

I took a deep breath before opening my eyes, turning everything off until I felt nothing. Then I began sweeping up my mother’s fit.

“Let me help you. ”

I turned to find Jonathan in the doorway. I didn’t answer as he filled the mop bucket with soap and water and began wiping the wine that was running down the cabinets. We remained silent while we cleaned.

After bringing the bag of broken glass outside to the trash, I collapsed on the second step in the foyer, covering my face in my hands with my elbows propped on my legs, emotionally drained. Jonathan shut off the kitchen light and sat next to me.

“What’s going to happen now? ” I asked without looking up. “Did you end things with her? ”

“I wasn’t about to do that in her condition, ” he explained lowly. “I’m sorry you had to see any of that. It really wasn’t about you. ”

I lifted my head. “I have no idea what happened tonight, but she was so... angry. I think she does blame me, but I don't know what I did. ”

Jonathan shook his head in contradiction. “This is between me and Rachel. It has nothing to do with you. ”

“But you are going to leave her now, aren't you? ” I concluded dryly.

Jonathan was quiet for a moment. “Do you want me to stay? ”

My eyes tightened, not sure how to answer. I didn't know exactly what he was asking.

“If I left right now, would it be worse for you... to live here? ”

“Don’t worry about me, ” I assured him without much conviction. “That wouldn’t be the right reason to stay anyway. It would only be worse in the end, for everyone. She’ll just have to get over you. ”

“I’m sorry, Emma, ” he offered in a hushed tone.

“Me too, ” I breathed. He peered at me with sympathetic eyes, pulling me in. It took me a moment before I was able to break away. “I think I’ve had enough drama tonight, so I’m going to bed. ”

“And I should go, ” he responded, standing with me. I paused in my ascent when he opened the door.

“Good-bye, Jonathan. ”

“I’m not leaving you, Emma, ” he assured me. “If you ever need me, I’m here. ”

“Thanks, ” I answered, exhaustion heavy in my voice. I watched him disappear behind the closed door and continued to my room.

As I pulled the blankets over me, my phone beeped. I’m coming over appeared on the screen.

I’m in bed. I’ll see you in the morning, I typed back.

10am, my house?

OK.

I sunk under the blankets, not looking forward to seeing anyone in the morning― not even Evan.

22. Inside Out

I didn’t remember sleeping. But the next thing I knew, it was morning. It seemed unlikely that I made it through the night without a nightmare, especially since I was still exhausted when I pulled the covers back― but I couldn’t remember that either.

It was eerily quiet while I got ready, other than the house's occasional groans. There still wasn’t any movement when I shut the front door behind me. I sat in my car for a minute before starting it, gripping the steering wheel with my eyes fixed on the house like I was expecting it to tell me what to do― how to make everything better. It just remained still, staring back at me.

" Sure, " I whispered, " now you're silent. " I took a long drawn breath and started the car.

I pulled into the Mathews’ driveway to find more cars than usual. Along with Vivian and Evan’s BMWs and Stuart’s Mercedes were a black Lexus and a blue Prius. I parked in the middle of the long driveway, blocking them all in― figuring we’d be leaving as soon as Evan put on his jacket.

I knocked. No one answered. I knocked again and waited longer― still no one came to the door. I turned the knob and slowly let myself in, cautiously scanning the kitchen.

“Hello? ” I called out, creeping further into the large kitchen. That’s when I heard laughter. I stopped to listen and then moved toward the voices― leading me down the hall.

One of the doors along the long hallway, a door that was always shut when I visited, was cracked open. I could hear the voices coming from inside. I recognized Evan’s.

“You are far from awkward, ” he said.

“Believe me, he knows awkward, ” Stuart teased with a light laugh.

“Dad! ” Evan scorned, but with a playfulness in his voice. “She’s not awkward either. ”

“She’s something else entirely, ” Stuart chuckled.

“What do you mean? ” she asked. Analise― of course.

I knocked. All conversation ceased as I became visible at the entrance.

“Hi. ” I scanned each surprised face and noted the stacks of envelopes piled on the large conference table where they were sitting.

“Hi, ” Evan acknowledged with a dazzling smile. “It’s ten? ” I nodded. “Sorry. Lost track of time. Do you want to help? I promised my mother we’d stuff all of these envelopes before we left. We’re almost done. ”

“Oh. ” I glanced from Analise’s bright eyes to Stuart, who wouldn't look at me at all. “Um, I need to get my things together for the hike. I just kinda threw them in my car so I could get here. I'll meet you outside, if that’s okay. ”

“Okay, sure, ” Evan replied hesitantly. “I won’t be long. ” I nodded and slowly walked away.

I’d obviously interrupted something, and I wasn’t about to ruin it with my awkwardness. I couldn’t believe I’d heard Stuart laugh. I’d never even seen him smile. I closed the kitchen door behind me, shutting out the voices and laughter with it.

I walked toward the garage instead of my car, leaving my expertly packed backpack resting on the backseat. I made my way up the stairs to the rec room, plopping down on the couch.

I lay there, staring at the beamed ceiling.

My phone beeped. How are you this morning? lit up the screen.

Tired. And you?

Same, he answered. I'm really sorry about last night. How is she today?

Didn't see her.

I'm going to talk to her. Going to be honest.

I stared at the last text, not sure what part he planned to be honest about. Before I could respond, I heard, “Here you are. ” Sara stood at the top of the stairs.

“Hi, ” I sat up in surprise. “What are you doing back? ”

“We’re going hiking with you, ” she revealed in excitement.

“Great, ” I responded, but my voice fell flat.

Sara eyed me suspiciously. “Do you not want us to? Did you want to be alone with Evan? ”

“No, it’s great, ” I smiled weakly, truly not concerned with the added company.

“You’re not right, " Sara observed, coming around to sit next to me on the couch. “Spill it. ”

“It’s nothing really. Just tired. My mother and Jonathan had a fight last night, and I thought they broke up…”

“I heard, ” Sara gawked. “I thought Jill was exaggerating. ”

I groaned. Of course. Jill had front row seats to most of the debacle. " Did Jill say anything else? " I asked, suddenly concerned that the drinking part was leaked as well.

" No, " Sara returned. " Why? Is there something else? "

“No, " I lied. " That was enough drama for one night. ”

“That’s why today is exactly what you need, ” Sara gleamed, jumping up and pulling me to my feet. “Fresh air with your best friend and your boyfriend. And, of course, my boyfriend too. I’ve missed you. We all need this. ”

“True, ” I agreed, a smile eventually taking shape without effort.

I followed Sara down the stairs. Anna's SUV was parked behind my car, and Jared was tossing two backpacks into it. I added my backpack to the pile and eyed the bags, coming up with one too many.

“She’s what?! ”

Sara stood on the bottom step, eyeing Analise, who was standing next to Evan on the porch, all bubbly and excited. With Sara’s reaction, Analise’s smile deflated. I walked closer to hear what was going on.

“Come on, Sara, ” Evan countered. “What’s one more person? ”

I realized what they were discussing, and my shoulders sank. Evan looked to me for support. I forced my cheeks up and cheerily contributed, “Analise, you’re coming with us, right? ”

“Is that okay? ” she questioned, looking from me to Sara. Sara tightened her eyes in my direction, not appreciating my betrayal. Then she turned back toward Analise with a sugary smile.

“Sure, ” Sara exclaimed with forced excitement. “It’ll be great. ” I couldn’t help but smile wider at her exaggerated reaction. “Jared, why don’t you drive? That way Emma and I can get to know Analise. ” She tossed him the keys.

After moving my car onto the street, I jumped into the backseat of the SUV and we headed north along the Connecticut-New York border into the mountains.

For ninety minutes, Sara interrogated Analise. Of course she did it in her own Sara-way, laughing and getting excited when they liked the same things. But every so often, she’d shoot me an are you kidding me glance that kept a smirk on my face.

We headed out along the trail, adorned with backpacks. Analise kept up alongside Evan and Jared, allowing Sara and me to follow behind― evidently she’d had enough girl time.

“What’s with her? ” Sara asked, watching as Analise giggled and swatted at Evan’s arm. “She seems nice enough, but I just… I just don’t like her. ”

I laughed― probably louder and harder than I should have, making the trio turn back toward us.

“Emma! ” Sara scolded, chuckling. “Stop. She’s going to think we’re talking about her. ”

I continued to smile, keeping enough distance between the two groups so we wouldn’t be overheard. “I’m sure she knows we’re talking about her. ”

“She’s way too excited for my taste. Like a pathetic puppy dog. ”

“If she’s too excited for you, then that’s an issue. ”

“A huge issue, ” Sara laughed. “And if she touches Evan one more time, I think I may have to take her out for you. Why aren’t you bothered by it? ”

“Oh, I am, ” I told her. “I just thought I was being a stupid, jealous girlfriend. ”

“You’re not, ” she assured me, but that only made me feel worse. “She needs to take those big brown eyes of hers and back the fuck off. ”

“Sara! Omigod! ” I laughed. Sara joined me.

“What’s so funny? ” Evan asked, stopping to wait for us to catch up.

“Sara, ” I stated with a smile, like that was the only explanation needed.

Evan grabbed my hand, and Sara quickened her pace to catch up with Jared, sliding her arm through his. Analise, being the odd person out, continued along the trail, feigning interest in the tops of the trees to avoid looking at us.

Evan slowed down as we neared a bend, allowing the rest to disappear before stopping completely. “Hi, ” he smiled, vanquishing the jealousy that seared under my skin. He leaned down and sent my heart into convulsions with the touch of his lips. “I’ve wanted to do that for way too long. ”

“I’ve needed you to do that for way too long, ” I breathed.

" How are you after last night? I heard about the argument at the game. " He studied me intently.

" It's hard to watch, " I admitted. " I have a feeling they're on the verge of breaking up, and I don't want her to get hurt. "

" I know, " he said, kissing me softly. " Well, it's good to get away from the tension then. " I nodded. Evan squeezed my hand and we continued along the trail. This was exactly what I needed, despite Analise’s presence.

" Can I ask you something? " Evan climbed up next to me on a rock after handing me our lunch.

" Sure, " I answered, unwrapping the sandwich.

" What was that sweater thing all about the other night? "

I stopped mid-bite, not having considered how it may have looked to Evan. I pulled the sandwich away and said, " It was a misunderstanding. " I took a bite, and Evan waited for me to continue. Before I even thought about what I was saying, I added, " It wasn't my sweater. "

" Oh, " Evan replied, dismissing the subject as he unwrapped his sandwich and began talking about how we both had one more game next week before the championships.

I forced another bite out of the sandwich, having lost my appetite. Lying made my stomach volatile. I didn't know why Jonathan had my sweater. But for some reason, I couldn't bring myself to tell Evan that.

We returned to the car just as the sun was hiding behind the trees. Evan and I sat in the back with Analise. I made certain to sit in the middle. She really was nice, truly. But it was so very evident that she had a thing for Evan, and I wasn’t going to pretend to be oblivious.

I nestled in under Evan’s arm, resting my head on his chest. I breathed in his clean scent swirled with the mustiness of the outdoors and closed my eyes. He kissed the top of my head and played with my fingers, running his through mine and lightly drawing circles on my palm. I let the tingling of his touch lull me to sleep.

I looked at his face as he held my hand, walking with me along the beach. He hadn’t shaven for a few days, making him look like he should be camping, not collecting seashells with his daughter. The ocean air ruffled his dark brown hair but his smile was permanent, making the lines along his eyes crease, like they were smiling too.

I held the pail in my hand, swinging it lightly. My eyes flit everywhere except the ground― the birds darting along the shoreline pecking at the sand, the dark rolling water crashing into the rocks, then back to my father’s face that looked so relaxed and peaceful.

“There’s a good one, ” he said, stopping to bend down and pluck a white pearly shell from the sand. “What do you think of this one, Emma? ” He held it up for me to inspect.

I took the shell in my hand and ran my fingers over its smooth surface.

“It’s perfect…” I looked up, but he wasn’t there. I turned around, searching, but I was alone.

“Emma? ” the smooth voice whispered in my ear. “Emma, we're home. ”

I blinked my eyes open in a panic. I was still wrapped in Evan’s arm, but the empty car was quiet and dark. I inhaled deeply, and stretched to sit up.

“I wish I could've let you sleep, ” Evan said softly, still holding my hand in his. “You looked so peaceful. You haven't been sleeping much, huh? "

" Not really, " I admitted. " I can't believe I slept the entire car ride. Did everyone leave? "

" Sara and Jared are inside. "

He opened the car door and held it open until I stepped out.

“Wanna sleep over tonight? ” Sara asked when Evan and I entered the kitchen door.

“Of course, ” I answered, deciding I’d already witnessed way too much strife between my mother and Jonathan, and I didn't want to be there for whatever was about to happen tonight.

After saying our good-byes, Sara followed me to my house. Seeing Jonathan’s truck in the driveway, I parked along the street since I planned to leave my car at the house. I just needed to run in to grab my books and clothes for the next day. For a moment, I considered jumping in the SUV with Sara and forgetting about my things― having no idea what I was about to walk in on― but I had assignments due that I couldn't leave behind.

“I’ll be right out, ” I told Sara before jogging up the walkway. I stopped at the front door and hesitated. I couldn’t hear voices; I could only hear music. I assumed they were in her room since the downstairs was dark.

I took a deep breath and slowly opened the door, planning to slip in and out so they didn’t even have to know I was there. I closed the door and concentrated on the stairs. I just need to get my things and I’ll be gone, I kept thinking over and over.

I clenched my teeth as the loose board squeaked beneath my foot halfway up the stairs. I froze, listening. A caressing voice came from the speakers, filling the entire house, but then I heard… a moan? I held my breath as I slowly turned on the stairs.

The breathing became louder. There was movement on the couch. I focused in the dark and my mouth dropped as the intertwining of legs came into view. I remained frozen, unable to look away, scanning the length of his body. His muscles rippled above her as she gripped his back. Her eyes were closed as her mouth rounded.

A moan escaped him, releasing me from my paralysis. I practically flew down the stairs and out the front door. I ran to Sara’s SUV and slammed the door behind me, panting.

“What’s wrong? Where’s your stuff? ” Sara asked in a panic.

“I couldn’t…” I huffed trying to catch my breath, the image seared into my brain. I tried to shake it away, but I couldn’t.

“Are they fighting? ’ Sara asked, her tone anxious.

“No, ” I replied adamantly. “They are not fighting. ”

“Omigod, ” Sara gasped. “No way. You didn’t just walk in on…” She started laughing in amazed disbelief.

I flopped my head against the head rest. “Yup, ” I breathed, “I guess they didn’t break up. ” Sara laughed even harder. I looked back at the house as we drove away― an uneasiness washing over me.