Nicholas Sparks 9 страница

Eastern North Carolina is a beautiful and special part of the country, blessed with temperate weather and, for the most part, wonderful geography.

Nowhere is this more evident than Bogue Banks, an island right off the coast, near the place we grew up. Twenty-four miles long and nearly a mile wide, this island is a fluke of nature, running from east to west, hugging the coastline a half mile offshore. Those who live there can witness spectacular sunrises and sunsets every day of the year, both taking place over the expanse of the mighty Atlantic Ocean.

Jamie was bundled up heavily, standing beside me on the edge of the Iron Steamer Pier as this perfect southern evening descended. I pointed off into the distance and told her to wait. I could see our breaths, two of hers to every one of mine. I had to support Jamie as we stood there—she seemed lighter than the leaves of a tree that had fallen in autumn—but I knew that it would be worth it.

In time the glowing, cratered moon began its seeming rise from the sea, casting a prism of light across the slowly darkening water, splitting itself into a thousand different parts, each more beautiful than the last. At exactly the same moment, the sun was meeting the horizon in the opposite direction, turning the sky red and orange and yellow, as if heaven above had suddenly opened its gates and let all its beauty escape its holy confines. The ocean turned golden silver as the shifting colors reflected off it, waters rippling and sparkling with the changing light, the vision glorious, almost like the beginning of time. The sun continued to lower itself, casting its glow as far as the eye could see, before finally, slowly, vanishing beneath the waves. The moon continued its slow drift upward, shimmering as it turned a thousand different shades of yellow, each paler than the last, before finally becoming the color of the stars.

Jamie watched all this in silence, my arm tight around her, her breathing shallow and weak. As the sky was finally turning to black and the first twinkling lights began to appear in the distant southern sky, I took her in my arms. I gently kissed both her cheeks and then, finally, her lips.

“That, ” I said, “is exactly how I feel about you. ”

A week later Jamie’s trips to the hospital became more regular, although she insisted that she didn’t want to stay there overnight. “I want to die at home, ” was all she said. Since the doctors couldn’t do anything for her, they had no choice but to accept her wishes.

At least for the time being.

“I’ve been thinking about the past few months, ” I said to her.

We were sitting in the living room, holding hands as we read the Bible.

Her face was growing thinner, her hair beginning to lose its luster. Yet her eyes, those soft blue eyes, were as lovely as ever.

I don’t think I’d ever seen someone as beautiful.

“I’ve been thinking about them, too, ” she said.

“You knew, from the first day in Miss Garber’s class that I was going to do the play, didn’t you. When you looked at me and smiled? ”

She nodded. “Yes. ”

“And when I asked you to the homecoming dance, you made me promise that I wouldn’t fall in love, but you knew that I was going to, didn’t you? ”

She had a mischievous gleam in her eye. “Yes. ”

“How did you know? ”

She shrugged without answering, and we sat together for a few moments, watching the rain as it blew against the windows.

“When I told you that I prayed for you, ” she finally said to me, “what did you think I was talking about? ”

The progression of her disease continued, speeding up as March approached. She was taking more medicine for pain, and she felt too sick to her stomach to keep down much food. She was growing weak, and it looked like she’d have to go to the hospital to stay, despite her wishes.

It was my mother and father who changed all that.

My father had driven home from Washington, hurriedly leaving although Congress was still in session. Apparently my mother had called him and told him that if he didn’t come home immediately, he might as well stay in Washington forever.

When my mother told him what was happening, my father said that Hegbert would never accept his help, that the wounds were too deep, that it was too late to do anything.

“This isn’t about your family, or even about Reverend Sullivan, or anything that happened in the past, ” she said to him, refusing to accept his answer. “This is about our son, who happens to be in love with a little girl who needs our help. And you’re going to find a way to help her. ”

I don’t know what my father said to Hegbert or what promises he had to make or how much the whole thing eventually cost. All I know is that Jamie was soon surrounded by expensive equipment, was supplied with all the medicine she needed, and was watched by two full-time nurses while a doctor peeked in on her several times a day.

Jamie would be able to stay at home.

That night I cried on my father’s shoulder for the first time in my life.

“Do you have any regrets? ” I asked her. She was in her bed under the covers, a tube in her arm feeding her the medication she needed. Her face was pale, her body feather light. She could barely walk, and when she did, she now had to be supported by someone else.

“We all have regrets, Landon, ” she said, “but I’ve led a wonderful life. ”

“How can you say that? ” I cried out, unable to hide my anguish. “With all that’s happening to you? ”

She squeezed my hand, her grip weak, smiling tenderly at me.

“This, ” she admitted as she looked around her room, “could be better. ”

Despite my tears I laughed, then immediately felt guilty for doing so. I was supposed to be supporting her, not the other way around. Jamie went on.

“But other than that, I’ve been happy, Landon. I really have. I’ve had a special father who taught me about God. I can look back and know that I couldn’t have tried to help other people any more than I did. ” She paused and met my eyes. “I’ve even fallen in love and had someone love me back. ”

I kissed her hand when she said it, then held it against my cheek.

“It’s not fair, ” I said.

She didn’t answer.

“Are you still afraid? ” I asked.

“Yes. ”

“I’m afraid, too, ” I said.

“I know. And I’m sorry. ”

“What can I do? ” I asked desperately. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do anymore. ”

“Will you read to me? ”

I nodded, though I didn’t know whether I’d be able to make it through the next page without breaking down.

Please, Lord, tell me what to do!

“Mom? ” I said later that night.

“Yes? ”

We were sitting on the sofa in the den, the fire blazing before us. Earlier in the day Jamie had fallen asleep while I read to her, and knowing she needed her rest, I slipped out of her room. But before I did, I kissed her gently on the cheek. It was harmless, but Hegbert had walked in as I’d done so, and I had seen the conflicting emotions in his eyes. He looked at me, knowing that I loved his daughter but also knowing that I’d broken one of the rules of his house, even an unspoken one. Had she been well, I know he would never have allowed me back inside. As it was, I showed myself to the door.

I couldn’t blame him, not really. I found that spending time with Jamie sapped me of the energy to feel hurt by his demeanor. If Jamie had taught me anything over these last few months, she’d shown me that actions—not thoughts or intentions—were the way to judge others, and I knew that Hegbert would allow me in the following day. I was thinking about all this as I sat next to my mother on the sofa.

“Do you think we have a purpose in life? ” I asked.

It was the first time I’d asked her such a question, but these were unusual times.

“I’m not sure I understand what you’re asking, ” she said, frowning.

“I mean—how do you know what you’re supposed to do? ”

“Are you asking me about spending time with Jamie? ”

I nodded, though I was still confused. “Sort of. I know I’m doing the right thing, but. . . something’s missing. I spend time with her and we talk and read the Bible, but. . . ”

I paused, and my mother finished my thought for me.

“You think you should be doing more? ”

I nodded.

“I don’t know that there’s anything more you can do, sweetheart, ” she said gently.

“Then why do I feel the way I do? ”

She moved a little closer on the sofa, and we watched the flames together.

“I think it’s because you’re frightened and you feel helpless, and even though you’re trying, things continue to get harder and harder—for the both of you. And the more you try, the more hopeless things seem. ”

“Is there any way to stop feeling this way? ”

She put her arm around me and pulled me closer. “No, ” she said softly,

“there isn’t. ”

The next day Jamie couldn’t get out of bed. Because she was too weak now to walk even with support, we read the Bible in her room.

She fell asleep within minutes.

Another week went by and Jamie grew steadily worse, her body weakening. Bedridden, she looked smaller, almost like a little girl again.

“Jamie, ” I pleaded, “what can I do for you? ”

Jamie, my sweet Jamie, was sleeping for hours at a time now, even as I talked to her. She didn’t move at the sound of my voice; her breaths were rapid and weak.

I sat beside the bed and watched her for a long time, thinking how much I loved her. I held her hand close to my heart, feeling the boniness of her fingers.

Part of me wanted to cry right then, but instead I laid her hand back down and turned to face the window.

Why, I wondered, had my world suddenly unraveled as it had? Why had all this happened to someone like her? I wondered if there was a greater lesson in what was happening. Was it all, as Jamie would say, simply part of the Lord’s plan? Did the Lord want me to fall in love with her? Or was that something of my own volition? The longer Jamie slept, the more I felt her presence beside me, yet the answers to these questions were no clearer than they had been before.

Outside, the last of the morning rain had passed. It had been a gloomy day, but now the late afternoon sunlight was breaking through the clouds. In the cool spring air I saw the first signs of nature coming back to life. The trees outside were budding, the leaves waiting for just the right moment to uncoil and open themselves to yet another summer season.

On the nightstand by her bed I saw the collection of items that Jamie held close to her heart. There were photographs of her father, holding Jamie as a young child and standing outside of school on her first day of kindergarten; there was a collection of cards that children of the orphanage had sent. Sighing, I reached for them and opened the card on top of the stack.

Written in crayon, it said simply:

Please get better soon. I miss you.

It was signed by Lydia, the girl who’d fallen asleep in Jamie’s lap on Christmas Eve. The second card expressed the same sentiments, but what really caught my eye was the picture that the child, Roger, had drawn. He’d drawn a bird, soaring above a rainbow.

Choking up, I closed the card. I couldn’t bear to look any further, and as I put the stack back where it had been before, I noticed a newspaper clipping, next to her water glass. I reached for the article and saw that it was about the play, published in the Sunday paper the day after we’d finished. In the photograph above the text, I saw the only picture that had ever been taken of the two of us.

It seemed so long ago. I brought the article nearer to my face. As I stared, I remembered the way I felt when I had seen her that night. Peering closely at her image, I searched for any sign that she suspected what would come to pass.

I knew she did, but her expression that night betrayed none of it. Instead, I saw only a radiant happiness. In time I sighed and set aside the clipping.

The Bible still lay open where I’d left off, and although Jamie was sleeping, I felt the need to read some more. Eventually I came across another passage. This is what it said:

I am not commanding you, but I want to test the sincerity of your love by comparing it to the earnestness of others.

The words made me choke up again, and just as I was about to cry, the meaning of it suddenly became clear.

God had finally answered me, and I suddenly knew what I had to do.

I couldn’t have made it to the church any faster, even if I’d had a car. I took every shortcut I could, racing through people’s backyards, jumping fences, and in one case cutting through someone’s garage and out the side door.

Everything I’d learned about the town growing up came into play, and although I was never a particularly good athlete, on this day I was unstoppable, propelled by what I had to do.

I didn’t care how I looked when I arrived because I suspected Hegbert wouldn’t care, either. When I finally entered the church, I slowed to a walk, trying to catch my breath as I made my way to the back, toward his office.

Hegbert looked up when he saw me, and I knew why he was here. He didn’t invite me in, he simply looked away, back toward the window again. At home he’d been dealing with her illness by cleaning the house almost obsessively. Here, though, papers were scattered across the desk, and books were strewn about the room as if no one had straightened up for weeks. I knew that this was the place he thought about Jamie; this was the place where Hegbert came to cry.

“Reverend? ” I said softly.

He didn’t answer, but I went in anyway.

“I’d like to be alone, ” he croaked.

He looked old and beaten, as weary as the Israelites described in David’s Psalms. His face was drawn, and his hair had grown thinner since December.

Even more than I, perhaps, he had to keep up his spirits around Jamie, and the stress of doing so was wearing him down.

I marched right up to his desk, and he glanced at me before turning back to the window.

“Please, ” he said to me. His tone was defeated, as though he didn’t have the strength to confront even me.

“I’d like to talk to you, ” I said firmly. “I wouldn’t ask unless it was very important. ”

Hegbert sighed, and I sat in the chair I had sat in before, when I’d asked him if he would let me take Jamie out for New Year’s Eve.

He listened as I told him what was on my mind.

When I was finished, Hegbert turned to me. I don’t know what he was thinking, but thankfully, he didn’t say no. Instead he wiped his eyes with his fingers and turned toward the window.

Even he, I think, was too shocked to speak.

Again I ran, again I didn’t tire, my purpose giving me the strength I needed to go on. When I reached Jamie’s house, I rushed in the door without knocking, and the nurse who’d been in her bedroom came out to see what had caused the racket. Before she could speak, I did.

“Is she awake? ” I asked, euphoric and terrified at the same time.

“Yes, ” the nurse said cautiously. “When she woke up, she wondered where you were. ”

I apologized for my disheveled appearance and thanked her, then asked if she wouldn’t mind leaving us alone. I walked into Jamie’s room, partially closing the door behind me. She was pale, so very pale, but her smile let me know she was still fighting.

“Hello, Landon, ” she said, her voice faint, “thank you for coming back. ”

I pulled up a chair and sat next to her, taking her hand in mine. Seeing her lying there made something tighten deep in my stomach, making me almost want to cry.

“I was here earlier, but you were asleep, ” I said.

“I know. . . I’m sorry. I just can’t seem to help it anymore. ”

“It’s okay, really. ”

She lifted her hand slightly off the bed, and I kissed it, then leaned forward and kissed her cheek as well.

“Do you love me? ” I asked her.

She smiled. “Yes. ”

“Do you want me to be happy? ” As I asked her this, I felt my heart beginning to race.

“Of course I do. ”

“Will you do something for me, then? ”

She looked away, sadness crossing her features. “I don’t know if I can anymore, ” she said.

“But if you could, would you? ”

I cannot adequately describe the intensity of what I was feeling at that moment. Love, anger, sadness, hope, and fear, whirling together, sharpened by the nervousness I was feeling. Jamie looked at me curiously, and my breaths became shallower. Suddenly I knew that I’d never felt as strongly for another person as I did at that moment. As I returned her gaze, this simple realization made me wish for the millionth time that I could make all this go away. Had it been possible, I would have traded my life for hers. I wanted to tell her my thoughts, but the sound of her voice suddenly silenced the emotions inside me.

“Yes, ” she finally said, her voice weak yet somehow still full of promise.

“I would. ”

Finally getting control of myself, I kissed her again, then brought my hand to her face, gently running my fingers over her cheek. I marveled at the softness of her skin, the gentleness I saw in her eyes. Even now she was perfect.

My throat began to tighten again, but as I said, I knew what I had to do.

Since I had to accept that it was not within my power to cure her, what I wanted to do was give her something that she’d always wanted.

It was what my heart had been telling me to do all along.

Jamie, I understood then, had already given me the answer I’d been searching for, the one my heart had needed to find. She’d told me the answer as we’d sat outside Mr. Jenkins’s office, the night we’d asked him about doing the play.

I smiled softly, and she returned my affection with a slight squeeze of my hand, as if trusting me in what I was about to do. Encouraged, I leaned closer and took a deep breath. When I exhaled, these were the words that flowed with my breath.

“Will you marry me? ”

Chapter 13

When I was seventeen, my life changed forever.

As I walk the streets of Beaufort forty years later, thinking back on that year of my life, I remember everything as clearly as if it were all still unfolding before my very eyes.

I remember Jamie saying yes to my breathless question and how we both began to cry together. I remember talking to both Hegbert and my parents, explaining to them what I needed to do. They thought I was doing it only for Jamie, and all three of them tried to talk me out of it, especially when they realized that Jamie had said yes. What they didn’t understand, and I had to make clear to them, was that I needed to do it for me.

I was in love with her, so deeply in love that I didn’t care if she was sick.

I didn’t care that we wouldn’t have long together. None of those things mattered to me. All I cared about was doing something that my heart had told me was the right thing to do. In my mind it was the first time God had ever spoken directly to me, and I knew with certainty that I wasn’t going to disobey.

I know that some of you may wonder if I was doing it out of pity. Some of the more cynical may even wonder if I did it because she’d be gone soon anyway and I wasn’t committing much. The answer to both questions is no. I would have married Jamie Sullivan no matter what happened in the future. I would have married Jamie Sullivan if the miracle I was praying for had suddenly come true. I knew it at the moment I asked her, and I still know it today.

Jamie was more than just the woman I loved. In that year Jamie helped me become the man I am today. With her steady hand she showed me how important it was to help others; with her patience and kindness she showed me what life is really all about. Her cheerfulness and optimism, even in times of sickness, was the most amazing thing I have ever witnessed.

We were married by Hegbert in the Baptist church, my father standing beside me as the best man. That was another thing she did. In the South it’s a tradition to have your father beside you, but for me it’s a tradition that wouldn’t have had much meaning before Jamie came into my life. Jamie had brought my father and me together again; somehow she’d also managed to heal some of the wounds between our two families. After what he’d done for me and for Jamie, I knew in the end that my father was someone I could always count on, and as the years passed our relationship grew steadily stronger until his death.

Jamie also taught me the value of forgiveness and the transforming power that it offers. I realized this the day that Eric and Margaret had come to her house. Jamie held no grudges. Jamie led her life the way the Bible taught.

Jamie was not only the angel who saved Tom Thornton, she was the angel who saved us all.

Just as she’d wanted, the church was bursting with people. Over two hundred guests were inside, and more than that waited outside the doors as we were married on March 12, 1959. Because we were married on such short notice, there wasn’t time to make many arrangements, and people came out of the woodwork to make the day as special as they could, simply by showing up to support us. I saw everyone I knew—Miss Garber, Eric, Margaret, Eddie, Sally, Carey, Angela, and even Lew and his grandmother—and there wasn’t a dry eye in the house when the entrance music began. Although Jamie was weak and hadn’t moved from her bed in two weeks, she insisted on walking down the aisle so that her father could give her away. “It’s very important to me, Landon, ” she’d said. “It’s part of my dream, remember? ” Though I assumed it would be impossible, I simply nodded. I couldn’t help but wonder at her faith.

I knew she planned on wearing the dress she’d worn in the Playhouse the night of the play. It was the only white dress that was available on such short notice, though I knew it would hang more loosely than it had before. While I was wondering how Jamie would look in the dress, my father laid his hand on my shoulder as we stood before the congregation.

“I’m proud of you, son. ”

I nodded. “I’m proud of you, too, Dad. ”

It was the first time I’d ever said those words to him.

My mom was in the front row, dabbing her eyes with her handkerchief when the “Wedding March” began. The doors opened and I saw Jamie, seated in her wheelchair, a nurse by her side. With all the strength she had left, Jamie stood shakily as her father supported her. Then Jamie and Hegbert slowly made their way down the aisle, while everyone in the church sat silently in wonder.

Halfway down the aisle, Jamie suddenly seemed to tire, and they stopped while she caught her breath. Her eyes closed, and for a moment I didn’t think she could go on. I know that no more than ten or twelve seconds elapsed, but it seemed much longer, and finally she nodded slightly. With that, Jamie and Hegbert started moving again, and I felt my heart surge with pride.

It was, I remembered thinking, the most difficult walk anyone ever had to make.

In every way, a walk to remember.

The nurse had rolled the wheelchair up front as Jamie and her father made their way toward me. When she finally reached my side, there were gasps of joy and everyone spontaneously began to clap. The nurse rolled the wheelchair into position, and Jamie sat down again, spent. With a smile I lowered myself to my knees so that I would be level with her. My father then did the same.

Hegbert, after kissing Jamie on the cheek, retrieved his Bible in order to begin the ceremony. All business now, he seemed to have abandoned his role as Jamie’s father to something more distant, where he could keep his emotions in check. Yet I could see him struggling as he stood before us. He perched his glasses on his nose and opened the Bible, then looked at Jamie and me. Hegbert towered over us, and I could tell that he hadn’t anticipated our being so much lower. For a moment he stood before us, almost confused, then surprisingly decided to kneel as well. Jamie smiled and reached for his free hand, then reached for mine, linking us together.

Hegbert began the ceremony in the traditional way, then read the passage in the Bible that Jamie had once pointed out to me. Knowing how weak she was, I thought he would have us recite the vows right away, but once more Hegbert surprised me. He looked at Jamie and me, then out to the congregation, then back to us again, as if searching for the right words.

He cleared his throat, and his voice rose so that everyone could hear it.

This is what he said:

“As a father, I’m supposed to give away my daughter, but I’m not sure that I’m able to do this. ”

The congregation went silent, and Hegbert nodded at me, willing me to be patient. Jamie squeezed my hand in support.

“I can no more give Jamie away than I can give away my heart. But what I can do is to let another share in the joy that she has always given me. May God’s blessings be with you both. ”

It was then that he set aside the Bible. He reached out, offering his hand to mine, and I took it, completing the circle.

With that he led us through our vows. My father handed me the ring my mother had helped me pick out, and Jamie gave me one as well. We slipped them on our fingers. Hegbert watched us as we did so, and when we were finally ready, he pronounced us husband and wife. I kissed Jamie softly as my mother began to cry, then held Jamie’s hand in mine. In front of God and everyone else, I’d promised my love and devotion, in sickness and in health, and I’d never felt so good about anything.

It was, I remember, the most wonderful moment of my life.

It is now forty years later, and I can still remember everything from that day. I may be older and wiser, I may have lived another life since then, but I know that when my time eventually comes, the memories of that day will be the final images that float through my mind. I still love her, you see, and I’ve never removed my ring. In all these years I’ve never felt the desire to do so.

I breathe deeply, taking in the fresh spring air. Though Beaufort has changed and I have changed, the air itself has not. It’s still the air of my childhood, the air of my seventeenth year, and when I finally exhale, I’m fifty-seven once more. But this is okay. I smile slightly, looking toward the sky, knowing there’s one thing I still haven’t told you: I now believe, by the way, that miracles can happen.