Twenty-three

It was good having a mum and dad who didn’t decide things together, Marcus thought; that way you got the best of both worlds at Christmas. You got things like jumpers and sheet music, which you had to have, but then you got things like computer games and fun stuff as well. And if his mum and dad had still been together, what would Christmas have been like now, with just the three of them? Pretty boring, probably. This way it was more like a party, what with Will and Lindsey and, well, he wasn’t really bothered about Lindsey’s mum, if he were honest, but she sort of helped to fill the room up.

After presents they had lunch, which was a big ring doughnut-type thing made of pastry rather than doughnut, with a lovely cream and mushroom sauce in the hole in the middle, and then they had Christmas pudding with five-pence pieces hidden in it (Marcus had two in his portion), and then they pulled crackers and put the hats on, except Will wouldn’t wear his for very long. He said it made his head itch.

After they’d watched the queen on TV (nobody wanted to, apart from Lindsey’s mum, but whatever old people wanted they got, in Marcus’s experience), Clive rolled a joint, and there was a bit of a row. Lindsey was angry with Clive because of her mum, who had no idea what he was doing until people started shouting about it, and Fiona was angry with Clive because of Marcus, who had seen him roll a joint about one thousand million times before.

‘He’s seen me do it hundreds of times before, ’ said Clive. It was the wrong thing to say, as it turned out, so Marcus was glad he hadn’t said it.

‘I wish you hadn’t told me, ’ said Fiona. ‘I really didn’t want to know. ’

‘What, you thought I’d given up dope the day we separated? Why would I do that? ’

‘Marcus was younger then. He was always in bed before you started rolling up. ’

‘I never smoke any, Mum. Dad won’t let me. ’

‘Oh, well that’s all right then. As long as you’re not smoking any, I have no objection to your father indulging his drug habit in front of you. ’

‘Ha, ha, ’ said Marcus. Everyone in the room looked at him, and then they continued the argument.

‘I’d hardly describe the occasional spliff as a drug habit, would you? ’

‘Well obviously I would, because I just have. ’

‘Can we talk about this another time? ’ Lindsey asked. Her mother hadn’t said anything so far, but she certainly seemed interested in what was going on.

‘Why? Because your mother is here? ’ Marcus had never seen Fiona get cross with Lindsey before, but she was getting cross with her now. ‘Unfortunately I can never have a conversation with Marcus’s father without your mother being present, for reasons I have yet to fathom. So you’ll just have to bloody well put up with it. ’

‘Look, I’ll put the dope away, OK? Then we’ll all calm down and watch International Velvet and forget about it. ’

‘International Velvet isn’t on, ’ said Marcus. ‘It’s Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. ’

‘That wasn’t the point I was making, Marcus. ’

Marcus didn’t say anything, but inwardly he disagreed: it hadn’t been the only point, but it had certainly been one of them.

‘I know he takes drugs, ’ said Lindsey’s mum suddenly. ‘I’m not daft. ’

‘I don’t… take drugs, ’ said Clive.

‘Well, what do you call it then? ’ said Lindsey’s mum.

‘It’s not drug-taking. It’s… just normal. Drug-taking is something different. ’

‘Do you think he takes them on his own? ’ Fiona said to Lindsey’s mum. ‘Do you think your daughter just sits there watching him? ’

‘What do you mean? ’

‘She doesn’t mean anything, Mum. I think Clive’s idea is an excellent one. Let’s put it all away and play charades or something. ’

‘I didn’t say anything about charades. I suggested watching International Velvet. ’

‘It’s not International —’ Marcus begun.

‘Shut up, Marcus, ’ said everybody, and then they all laughed.

The row changed the atmosphere, though. Clive and Fiona agreed to have a proper conversation about the dope thing some other time, Fiona and Lindsey snapped at each other a couple of times, and even Will seemed different, although none of it had had anything to do with him. Marcus reckoned Will had been having a good time up until then, but afterwards he seemed apart from it all, whereas before he’d been one of the family. It was almost like he was laughing at them for rowing, for reasons Marcus couldn’t understand. And then, after they’d had supper (there were cold meats for the meat-eaters, and Marcus had some, just to see the look on his mum’s face), Suzie came round with her little girl and it was their turn to laugh at Will.

Marcus didn’t know that Will hadn’t seen Suzie since his mum had told her about Ned and SPAT and all that. Nobody had said anything, but that didn’t mean much—Marcus had always presumed that after he had gone to school or to bed adults did all sorts of things they didn’t tell him about, but now he was beginning to suspect this wasn’t true, and that the adults he knew didn’t have any sort of a secret life at all. It was obvious when Suzie walked into the room that this was an awkward moment, especially for Will: he stood up, and then he sat down, and then he stood up again, and then he went red, and then he said he ought to be going, and then Fiona told him not to be pathetic, so he sat down again. The only spare chair was in Will’s corner, so Suzie had to sit next to him.

‘Have you had a nice day, Suze? ’ Fiona asked her.

‘OK, yeah. We’re just on the way home from Grandma’s. ’

‘And how’s Grandma? ’ asked Will. Suzie turned to look at him, opened her mouth to reply, but changed her mind and ignored him completely. It was one of the most exciting things Marcus had ever seen in real life, and easily the most exciting thing he had ever seen in his own living room. (His mum and the sick on the Dead Duck Day didn’t count. That wasn’t exciting. It was just horrible. ) Suzie was snubbing, he reckoned. He’d heard a lot about snubbing, but he had never watched anyone do it. It was great, if a bit frightening.

Will stood up and sat down again. If he really wanted to leave, Marcus thought, nobody could stop him. Or rather, they could stop him—if everyone in the room grabbed him and sat on him he wouldn’t get very far. (Marcus smiled to himself at the thought of Lindsey’s mum sitting on Will’s head. ) But they wouldn’t stop him. So why didn’t he just stand up, stay stood up and start walking? Why did he keep on bobbing up and down? Maybe there was something about snubbing that Marcus didn’t know. Maybe there were snubbing rules, and you just had to sit there and be snubbed, even if you didn’t feel like it.

Megan wriggled out of her mother’s lap and went over to the Christmas tree.

‘There might be a present for you under there, Megan, ’ said Fiona.

‘Oooh, Megan, presents, ’ said Suzie. Fiona went over to the tree, picked up one of the last two or three parcels and gave it to her. Megan stood there clutching it and looked around the room.

‘She’s wondering who to give it to, ’ said Suzie. ‘She’s had as much fun giving them out as opening them today. ’

‘How sweet, ’ said Lindsey’s mum. Everyone watched and waited while Megan made her decision; it was almost as if the little girl had understood the snubbing business and wanted to make mischief, because she toddled over to Will and thrust the present at him.

Will didn’t move. ‘Well, take it from her then, you fool, ’ said Suzie.

‘It’s not my bloody present, ’ said Will. Good for you, Marcus thought. Do some snubbing of your own. The only trouble was that as things stood Will was snubbing Megan, not Suzie, and Marcus didn’t think you should snub anyone under the age of three. What was the point? Megan didn’t seem to mind, though, because she continued to hold the present out to him until he reached for it.

‘Now what? ’ said Will crossly.

‘Open it with her, ’ said Suzie. She was more patient this time; Will’s anger seemed to have calmed her down a little. If she wanted a row with Will, she clearly didn’t want it here, in front of all these people.

Will and Megan tore off the paper to reveal some sort of plastic toy that played tunes. Megan looked at it and waved it at Will.

‘What now? ’ said Will.

‘Play with her, ’ said Suzie. ‘God, spot the childless person here. ’

‘Tell you what, ’ said Will. ‘You play with her. ’ He tossed Suzie the toy. ‘As I’m so bloody clueless. ’

‘Maybe you could learn to be less clueless, ’ said Suzie.

‘What for? ’

‘I would have thought that in your line of work it might be handy to know how to play with kids. ’

‘What’s your line of work? ’ Lindsey asked politely, as if this were a normal conversation amongst a normal group of people.

‘He doesn’t do anything, ’ Marcus said. ‘His dad wrote " Santa’s Super Sleigh" and he earns a million pounds a minute. ’

‘He pretends he has a child so he can join single parent groups and chat up single mothers, ’ said Suzie.

‘Yeah, but he doesn’t get paid for that, ’ said Marcus.

Will stood up again, but this time he didn’t sit down.

‘Thanks for the lunch and everything, ’ he said. ‘I’m off. ’

‘Suzie has a right to express her anger, Will, ’ said Fiona.

‘Yes, and she’s expressed it, and now I have a right to go home. ’ He started to weave his way through the presents and glasses and people towards the door.

‘He’s my friend, ’ Marcus said suddenly. ‘I invited him. I should be able to tell him when he goes home. ’

‘I’m not sure that’s how the whole hospitality thing works, ’ said Will.

‘But I don’t want him to go yet, ’ said Marcus. ‘It’s not fair. How come Lindsey’s mum’s still here, and no one invited her, and the one person I invited is leaving because everyone’s being horrible to him? ’

‘First of all, ’ said Fiona, ‘I invited Lindsey’s mum, and it’s my house too. And we haven’t been horrible to Will. Suzie’s angry with Will, as she has every right to be, and she’s telling him so. ’

Marcus felt as though he were in a play. He was standing up, and Will was standing up, and then Fiona stood up; but Lindsey and her mum and Clive were sat on the sofa watching, in a line, with their mouths open.

‘All he did was make up a kid for a couple of weeks. God. That’s nothing. So what? Who cares? Kids at school do worse than that every day. ’

‘The point is, Marcus, that Will left school a long time ago. He should have grown out of making people up by now. ’

‘Yeah, but he’s behaved better since, hasn’t he? ’

‘Can I go yet? ’ said Will, but nobody took any notice.

‘Why? What’s he done? ’ asked Suzie.

‘He never wanted me round his flat every day. I just went. And he bought me those shoes, and at least he listens when I say I’m having a hard time at school. You just tell me to get used to it. And he knew who Kirk O’Bane was. ’

‘Kurt Cobain, ’ said Will.

‘And it’s not like you lot never do anything wrong ever, is it? ’ said Marcus. ‘I mean…’ He had to be careful here. He knew he couldn’t say too much, or even anything at all, about the hospital stuff. ‘I mean, how come I got to know Will in the first place? ’

‘Because you threw a bloody great baguette at a duck’s head and killed it, basically, ’ said Will.

Marcus couldn’t believe Will was bringing that up now. It was supposed to be all about how everyone else did things wrong, not about how he had killed the duck. But then Suzie and Fiona started laughing, and Marcus could see that Will knew what he was doing.

‘Is that true, Marcus? ’ said his father.

‘There was something wrong with it, ’ said Marcus. ‘I think it was going to die anyway. ’

Suzie and Fiona laughed even harder. The audience on the sofa looked appalled. Will sat down again.