Philip Kerr 3 страница

‘He’s a good player though, ’ said Vik. ‘I’m sure Scott can get the best out of him. ’

‘I wish I shared your confidence, Vik. ’

‘How are things with him and Bekim? ’ he asked.

‘Not much better than since we were in Russia. Prometheus has kept his mouth shut in training. But several times he’s re‑ tweeted some Catholic bishop of Nigeria who’s publicly thanked the country’s president, Goodluck Jonathan, for making a law against homosexuality. Which doesn’t help the situation. ’

‘As long as Bekim doesn’t follow Prometheus on Twitter then I can’t see what the problem is, ’ said Vik. ‘You can only be offended by someone tweeting something if you’re following them, right? ’

‘The problem, Vik, ’ said Phil, ‘is that whatever Prometheus re‑ tweets gets picked up by the tabloids. Which, like anyone else, Bekim does read. Not to mention Christoph Bü ndchen. And of course they haven’t forgotten what happened to the German boy in Brazil. The newspapers are trying to stir up trouble like they always do. ’

‘Is he gay? ’ Phil was asking me, but it was Vik who answered him.

‘Of course he’s gay, ’ he said. ‘Not only that but he’s living with a man. ’

‘To be fair, ’ I said, ‘Harry Koenig is just a flatmate. A German player from QPR reserves that the liaison officer fixed up for Christoph to live with, so that he wouldn’t get lonely. ’

‘Maybe so. But actually Harry is gay, too. ’

‘How do you know that? ’ I asked.

‘Because I had them drone‑ hacked. ’

‘Drone‑ hacked? What’s that? ’

‘I own a military drone company, ’ said Vik, matter‑ of‑ factly. ‘The smallest ones are about the size of a pigeon. You just have a drone follow someone around, sit on their window ledge, record what you want. They can recharge themselves on telephone lines. ’ Vik was unapologetic about this. ‘I’ve drone‑ hacked all our players. I’m not paying the kind of money I pay to our players without knowing everything about them I can. Relax, Scott, it’s not illegal. ’

‘Well, if it isn’t, it sounds like it ought to be. ’

I wondered if I’d been drone‑ hacked; it made phone‑ hacking sound very old‑ fashioned.

‘I’ve also had them all given psychiatric evaluations. Did you know that three of our players are psychopaths? ’

‘Which ones? ’ I asked.

‘That would be telling. Don’t look so shocked, gentlemen. Psychopaths can be useful, especially in sport. It doesn’t mean they’re going to kill someone. ’ He chuckled. ‘At least not right away. ’

I wondered if he was unconsciously referring to our helicopter pilot, who was circling our improbably small landing site like a bee considering the charms of an unusual yellow flower with an H‑ shaped stigma. I closed my eyes and waited for us to put down.

‘Cheer up, Scott, ’ said Vik. ‘It might never happen. ’

‘I sincerely hope not. ’

A small fleet of black Range Rovers was waiting on the helipad to take us into the centre of the city. Twenty minutes later we were speeding up the Champs‑ É lysé es. It all looked very different from the last time I’d been there in May 2013 when, as a guest of David Beckham, I’d visited Paris to see PSG’s win over Lyon, which secured them their first French title since 1994. The day after there had been a riot as the celebrations turned ugly and I’d hurried back to the George V Hotel to escape the sting of tear gas. Shops were looted, cars burnt out and passers‑ by threatened with violence, with thirty people injured, including three police officers. Whoever thinks English fans don’t know how to behave should have been there to see it. There’s nothing the French can learn from us when it comes to having a riot, which is probably why there are always so many police in Paris. Paris has more cops than Nazi Germany.

The restaurant was Taillevent, in rue Lamennais. It was a rather cool austere room of light oak and beige‑ painted walls, and catered to those who wouldn’t dream of spending anything less than one hundred and fifty euros on lunch. They greeted Vik as if he had climbed down from a golden elephant with a diamond on its forehead. Kojo Ironsi was already there as was Vik’s other guest, an American hedge fund manager called Cooper Lybrand.

I liked Kojo more than I expected to; I liked Cooper Lybrand not at all. Kojo talked about his boys and his clients. Cooper only talked about the chimps and muppets he’d taken advantage of in one business deal after another. But both of them were after the same thing: Vik’s cash.

Kojo was smartly dressed and politely spoken, with a well‑ deserved reputation for looking after his KSA clients. He had an easy laugh and hands as big as shovels; once a goalkeeper for Inter Milan and an African Footballer of the Year it was easy to see why players had confidence in him. It was said there was nothing he wouldn’t do for some of his bigger‑ name clients on the grounds that if they couldn’t play they couldn’t pay. Rumour was he’d once taken the rap for a very famous striker in the English Premier League who’d almost been caught in possession of cocaine.

It wasn’t long before he’d introduced the subject of the developing feud between Bekim Develi and his own client, Prometheus.

‘Why don’t you sort those two out? ’ he asked Vik. ‘Speak to your friend, Bekim. They ought to shake hands and make up, don’t you agree? For the sake of the team. ’

‘Certainly they should. But I leave that kind of thing to Scott here. He is the manager, after all. ’

‘I should have thought the solution to the problem was obvious, ’ said Kojo. ‘I mean how you can get them to shake hands. ’

‘I’m glad you think so, ’ I said. ‘Right now they just want to shake each other by the throat. But I welcome any suggestions you might have for how we might establish diplomatic relations. ’

‘Easy. Sell Christoph Bü ndchen. Buy another striker. ’

I smiled and shook my head. ‘I don’t think so, Mr Ironsi. Christoph is a very talented young footballer. One of our best players. With an extremely bright future. ’

Kojo was a tall man with a bald head and an easy smile. He shrugged. ‘Well then, can you speak to Bekim Develi? Reason with him so that good sense can prevail. ’

‘I’ll reason with Bekim if you can reason with Prometheus. To be honest with you, that’s not so easy. What’s more, the boy’s attitude to gay people is going to make him very unpopular with the media, if it hasn’t done so already. I think it would be best if he was to make some sort of statement expressing regret for any offence caused to the LGBT community. ’

‘I agree, ’ said Kojo. ‘I’ll call him this afternoon, before I fly to Russia. See what I can do. ’

‘I’m very glad to hear it. If all that happens I’m sure I can get those two to shake hands. ’

‘I’m glad that’s settled, ’ said Kojo.

I wasn’t so sure it was but I was willing to give Kojo’s talents as a fixer the benefit of the doubt.

‘You’re going to Russia? ’ asked Vik.

‘Yes. It’s possible that someone there might want to take a stake in King Shark, if you don’t. ’

If Kojo thought this was a way of sharpening Vik’s interest, then Vik certainly didn’t show it.

‘If you’re going into partnership with Russians then you’d best be careful, ’ was all the Ukrainian said. ‘Some of those redfellas are pretty tough customers. ’

‘Not particularly ethical, eh? ’

‘That’s right. ’

‘Thanks for the tip. I certainly appreciate it. ’

‘Since you mentioned ethics, ’ said Vik, ‘Scott has got some reservations about the very existence of African football academies. Isn’t that right, Scott? ’

I shrugged. ‘I suppose I do, really. I think we both know that there are many unlicensed football academies in Africa. ’

‘In Accra alone there are at least five hundred such places, ’ said Kojo, ‘most of them run by unscrupulous men with no experience of the game. Nearly all demand fees from the children’s parents who take them out of school to enable them to concentrate on football full time. The idea being that having a professional footballer in the family – at least one who plays in Europe – is the equivalent of winning the lottery. Some even sell their family homes in order to pay these fees. Or to pay for boys to come to Europe for a trial with a big club. Which of course never transpires. Yes, it’s very sad what happens. ’

‘I don’t say that yours is one of these unlicensed academies, ’ I said carefully. ‘But I do ask myself about the way KSA players are contractually tied to you for life. ’

Kojo shook his head. ‘A certain amount of due diligence will satisfy you that the King Shark Academy is one of the best academies in Africa. The Confederation of African Football has described the KSA as a model for all football academies. We take no fees, and we offer a proper education alongside football, which is why we have almost a million applications a year from all over the continent for, perhaps, just twenty‑ five places. So we can afford to take only the most promising boys. But since we ask no fees it seems only fair that we should expect some return on our investment. And to be fair I don’t think you will hear complaints from anyone in the game today who is a product of KSA. Or for that matter any of the three or four academies like it. In fact, Manchester United has just bought a controlling stake in Fortune FC, one of our rival establishments in South Africa. Dutch clubs like Ajax and Feyenoord are looking to do the same in West Africa. The question is, can London City afford not to own a half share in King Shark? You know my price, Vik, and you know what the opportunity amounts to. The future of professional football is in Africa. Those boys are hungry for success. Hungrier than anyone in Europe. Almost by definition. ’

Vik nodded. ‘Thank you for your candour, Kojo. And I’ll certainly think about what you’ve said. Listen, I’ve an idea. We have a Champions League match against Olympiacos in Piraeus on 19 August. Why don’t you and your wife come out to Greece as my guest? You can stay on The Lady Ruslana, in the harbour at Piraeus. I’ll give you my decision then. ’

‘Thanks, I’d love to, ’ said Kojo.

‘You, too, Cooper. ’

‘Thanks, Vik, ’ said Cooper. ‘I’d like that, too. I’ve never been to a soccer match. ’

Kojo, Phil and I left Vik with Cooper Lybrand to discuss an investment in his hedge fund, which Vik’s company was considering. Like many of the people that Vik knew, Cooper was the sort of man I’d have been happy never to see again, especially since he had used the dread word: ‘soccer’. I love America. I even love Americans. But whenever they call football ‘soccer’ I want to kill them. And Cooper Lybrand was no exception to this rule.

I’d eaten far too much and I was glad to be outside.

It was a beautiful warm afternoon and Phil and I strolled up to the Champs‑ É lysé es where he went into Louis Vuitton and bought a bag for his wife, or perhaps his girlfriend. With Phil you could never tell: he was as smooth as the Hermè s silk handkerchief that was spilling out of his pocket.

‘Kojo’s a complete crook, of course, ’ said Phil. ‘But he’s quite right. We can’t afford not to take a controlling interest in his academy. ’

‘I thought he was only willing to sell enough to make Vik his equal partner. ’

‘Maybe, but that’s not the way Vik likes to do business. He likes to own things. ’

‘So I’d noticed. ’

‘He likes to be in control. ’

I let that one go. I was beginning to see just how much control Vik wanted to have, over everything.

‘Kojo’s also right about Christoph, ’ said Phil. ‘I’m afraid we shall have to sell him before the end of August, Scott. It’s the quickest way to patch up this stupid disagreement between Bekim and Prometheus. ’

‘Sell him? You’re joking, aren’t you, Phil? The boy is a future star. ’

‘We both know that the only reason Bekim is so persistent about this matter is because he knows that Christoph is gay. Which is perfectly understandable. It’s the comradely thing to do – stick up for a younger player, like that. Admirable, even. Just not practical. We have to make sure that those two get on at all costs. ’

‘Why not sell Prometheus? He’s the one who’s caused all this trouble. He’s the one with the attitude problem. Mark my words, if it’s not this it’ll be something else. You said yourself that he’s a pain in the arse. All that business with the car. It’s just the beginning. There’ll be a lot more of that from Prometheus. He makes Mario Balotelli look like the teacher’s pet from the Vienna Boys’ Choir. Vik should never have bought him. ’

‘I, for one, should be very happy never to see him again. But we can’t sell him, Scott. Vik wouldn’t hear of it. And so early on after we bought him people would smell a rat. We’d be lucky to get half of what that boy is worth. Christoph is a different story. After some of the goals he’s scored for us and for Germany we stand a very good chance of selling him for a considerable profit. Don’t forget we paid FC Augsburg just four million for him last summer. If we can make the sale before his homosexuality becomes known we might get twenty million quid for him. Perhaps more. Given the situation in the dressing room I don’t think you’ll have too much problem persuading the boy to put in for a transfer. Good for him, and good business for us. Actually this could work out quite well, really. It gives us a real chance of meeting UEFA’s Financial Fair Play guidelines. ’

‘I assumed that Vik’s accountants would find a way around those. After all, everyone else’s accountants have done, so far. ’

‘Until we’ve maximised the club’s commercial revenue with sponsorship deals, ’ said Phil, ‘we’re going to need to make a profit of ten million pounds over the next two years, just to meet the UEFA guidelines. Or, put another way, those same guidelines will allow us to lose thirty‑ seven million pounds over the next three seasons. ’

‘But we didn’t really need another striker; not with Ayrton and Christoph on the team; surely not buying Prometheus would have helped. ’

‘You might think so. But under the terms of Vik’s arrangement with Kojo, Prometheus was free. ’

‘What terms? I don’t understand. Either we bought him or we didn’t. ’

‘We did and we didn’t, you might say. Officially yes, unofficially no. He’s what you might call a sale‑ or‑ return. A loan deal. ’

‘It all sounds suspiciously like the kind of third‑ party ownership arrangement that was banned by the Premier League in 2008. ’

‘Banned, yes; enforceable, no. Threepios are actually quite common in Europe and South America. And because they are it’s easy enough for a good accountant to get round them, even an English accountant. On paper Prometheus cost us £ 22 million from which Kojo might ordinarily have taken a fee of £ 11 million. But Kojo already owed Vik £ 10 million so his actual fee was just £ 1 million; and because the balance of the transfer fee is actually performance‑ related then all Vik has to pay is a hundred grand a week to Prometheus, from which Kojo takes fifty per cent. In fact we pay the boy even less than that because a quarter of Kojo’s cut comes back to Vik anyway. ’ Phil shrugged. ‘So you see Prometheus costs us hardly anything at all. It’s actually a little more complicated than that, but in essence that’s how it works. The real reason Vik bought Prometheus was because he was as cheap as chips. ’

‘So, that’s how we beat Barcelona to his signature. ’

‘Precisely. ’

I swallowed uncomfortably. The temptation to tell Vik and Phil to fuck off was strong, and getting stronger by the day. Somewhere in my ears I could hear Bastian Hoehling back in Berlin: ‘In a year or two’s time, when Scott here has been fired by his current master, he’ll be managing a German club. ’ I was beginning to think it might not take that long.

‘What’s up? ’ asked Phil. ‘You look a bit sick. ’

‘The beautiful game, ’ I grunted, bitterly. ‘Christ, that’s a laugh. Sometimes it seems like the only thing that’s straight in the game are the fucking lines on the pitch. Everything else seems as bent as Pakistani cricket. ’

‘Football is a business, like any other, Scott, especially off the field. And in the boardroom there’s nothing beautiful about it. ’ He shook his head. ‘It’s a game, but it’s a zero‑ sum game, with buyers and sellers, supply and demand, and profits and losses. ’

‘Just don’t tell the fans, ’ I said. ‘Look, Phil, I can just about forgive you for being a slippery fucking bastard. But they certainly won’t. ’

‘Peter, ’ said Bekim. ‘After Peter the Great. As a child he had red hair, too. ’

‘He’s another red devil, all right, ’ I said. ‘Just like his father. ’

I was staring at a picture on an iPhone of a very small baby with red hair.

‘Yes, Peter is very lovely, ’ I added quickly, for fear that the Russian might take offence at my calling him a devil. ‘You must be very proud, Bekim. ’

‘Very proud, ’ he said. ‘To be a father is to be blessed, I think. Perhaps one day, Scott, you too will have children. I hope so. I’d like you to feel the way I feel now. ’

I nodded. ‘Perhaps I will. But at the present moment I’ve got my hands full looking out for my players. I really don’t know where I’d find the time to be a father. ’

‘It’s true, ’ he said. ‘You are a bit like our father. Only not as old. ’

‘I’m very glad to hear it, ’ I said.

‘Sometimes we’re like little children. This stupid business between me and Prometheus. You must think we’re idiots. ’

‘I don’t think you’re an idiot, Bekim. Let me make that quite clear. I don’t hold you responsible for what happened at all. ’

Bekim nodded.

‘And now the German boy is leaving, ’ he said. ‘I can’t believe it. It’s such a pity. Because I think Christoph’s one of the most talented players at this football club. ’

‘Agreed, ’ I said. ‘I was very much opposed to selling him; and told Vik and Phil that a sale would be over my dead body. But now he’s asked for a transfer. ’

‘Can’t you talk him out of it? ’

‘Believe me, I’ve tried. But his mind is made up. ’

‘You know why he wants to go, of course. ’

‘Yes. ’

‘Because of that stupid gay‑ hating bastard, Prometheus. ’

‘Yes. I know. ’

‘My agent has asked me to make the peace with him. To shake his hand. ’

‘I know. And will you? ’

‘I suppose so. If Christoph is determined to leave the club then I can see no reason not to. For the good of the club, you understand. Not because I like this man. I don’t like him at all. Or what’s in his heart. But I think the feeling is mutual, don’t you? He hates me, too. ’

I let that one go. There seemed little point in discussing an enmity I hoped was now over.

‘Prometheus has tweeted his regrets about offending gay people, ’ I said. ‘Which is helpful to this whole affair, don’t you agree? ’

‘I just wish that it would make Christoph change his mind. ’

‘It doesn’t look like it, though. Anyway, we’re not short of offers for the boy so far. Barcelona has offered thirty million quid. ’

‘Then he should take it. Barca is a great club. And Gerardo Martino is a great manager. Although it’s still difficult to be a maricó n in some parts of Spain. ’

We were at my flat in Chelsea. Bekim lived not very far away, in St Leonard’s Terrace, in a beautiful, seven‑ million‑ pound nineteenth‑ century Grade II listed building set back behind a private carriage drive with fine views over the rolling lawns of Burton’s Court. Inside there were red walls and red furniture as might have been expected from a man nicknamed the red devil; even the flowers in the vases were red.

‘Did you come by to talk about Christoph, Bekim? Or was there something else? ’

‘There was something else, yes. I hear you’re going to Greece. To check out Olympiacos, in Piraeus. ’

‘Yes. The Berlin side Hertha FC has a pre‑ season friendly with them. They’ve invited me along to see them play. I’m also going to check out their number two goalkeeper, Willie Nixon. Now that Didier Cassell is out of the game we’re going to need to buy a reserve goalkeeper, and soon. If Kenny Traynor gets injured we’re screwed. ’

Didier Cassell had been City’s first choice goalkeeper until an accident had forced him to quit the game; he’d hit his head on the post in a match against Tottenham the previous January. He wasn’t long out of hospital after making an only partial recovery.

‘You know I have a house in Greece, ’ said Bekim. ‘On the island of Paros. As a matter of fact it’s not so very far from the place in Turkey where I’m originally from. Before we moved to Russia. ’

I shook my head. ‘I didn’t know that. ’

‘I bought it when I was playing for Olympiacos. It’s just a thirty‑ minute hop on a plane from Athens. Very quiet. When I’m there the local people leave me alone – in fact, I think they really don’t know who I am at all – you can’t imagine how wonderful that is. I go there several times a year. By the way, you must stay at the Grande Bretagne Hotel; it’s the best hotel in Athens. And while you’re there – yes, this is the reason I came here today – you must meet this woman I know and take her to dinner. Her name is Valentina and she is the most beautiful woman in all Athens, although originally she’s from Russia. I’ll text you her number and email. Seriously, Scott. You won’t be disappointed. She makes every other woman look quite ordinary and she’s great company. You should take her to Spondi, the best restaurant in Athens. I know she likes it there. ’

I knew Bekim’s reputation as a ladies’ man. Before meeting his current girlfriend and the mother of his child, Alex, he’d had a string of glamorous girlfriends, including the Storm supermodel Tomyris, and the singer Hattie Shepsut. In an interview with GQ magazine he’d admitted to sleeping with a thousand women, which, if it was true, meant he was basing his opinion of his friend Valentina on a fairly significant statistical sample and was perhaps something that needed to be taken seriously.

He took out his iPhone again. ‘Here, ’ he said. ‘I’ve got a picture of her on my phone. ’

He swiped his way through several photographs until he found the one he was looking for.

‘There. What do you think? ’

‘I’m going to watch a football match, not check out the local hookers. ’

‘She’s not a hooker. Believe me, you won’t forgive yourself if you don’t at least take her out to dinner. I wouldn’t recommend her to you if I didn’t think you’d find her the most delightful company. She’s very sophisticated, very well read. And she knows about art. Every time I see her I learn something new. ’

‘If she’s so sophisticated, how come she knows a sod like you? ’

‘Does it matter? Look at her, man. She’s properly fit. A face to launch a thousand ships, eh? ’ Bekim grinned. ‘Sometimes I read this phrase in the newspapers. Writers talk about a country’s best‑ kept secret. Well, she’s Attica’s best kept secret. ’

‘Attica? ’

‘The historical region that encompasses Athens. ’

‘I see. So, when I’m in Attica, I’m going to look up Helen of Troy, is that it? ’

Bekim grinned. ‘That’s right. It couldn’t do you any harm, could it? ’

‘No, I suppose not. ’

‘Life is more than just football, Scott. Even for you. You have to remember that. ’

‘You’re right. I forget that sometimes. But with two games a week – three if we get through the play‑ offs for the Champions League – there’s not much time for life. ’

‘In this game of ours, it’s easy to forget everything else. ’

‘Yes. It is. ’

‘I’ll tell her you’re coming, shall I? And that you’re staying at the Grande Bretagne on Syntagma Square. The rooftop bar and restaurant has the best view in all of Athens. Take her there before you go to Spondi and put the bill on my tab. ’

‘Why not? ’

I agreed just to humour him, as if he really was a child, and then forgot all about it.

‘But be careful, Scott, ’ he added, ‘and I don’t mean with lovely Valentina. There are two teams in Attica. Olympiacos and Panathinaikos, and they are bitter rivals. They hate each other. They are eternal enemies, Greeks say. Sometimes when these two sides play they don’t even finish the game because the crowd violence is so bad. When you go to Olympiacos, keep away from Gate 7, okay? Those are the real hard‑ core fans. Very violent. Like Glasgow Rangers and Celtic. Only worse. ’ Bekim grinned. ‘You raise your eyebrows. I can see you don’t believe me. Yes, I know you’re part Scottish and you think that nothing could be as bad as the Old Firm. But what you have to remember is that half of all the men in Greece under the age of thirty are unemployed; and where there is such mass unemployment, you’re always going to have bad hooligans. Same as Weimar Germany. Same as South America. There is also match fixing because there is a football mafia. To be an honest sportsman is difficult in Greece, Scott. And if you are interviewed by a newspaper just remember to keep your mouth shut. Because the people who talk about this kind of thing get hurt. Just be careful, is all. Please be careful, Scott. ’

There was real concern in Bekim’s voice and, after he’d gone, I wondered if this might actually have been the real reason that he’d come to see me. That would have been typical. In many ways he was a very secretive man, as I later discovered.

I flew to Athens the night before Hertha’s match with Olympiacos. It was past 1 a. m. when a taxi dropped me in front of the Grande Bretagne Hotel, which was every bit as impressive as Bekim had told me it would be. The huge marble‑ floored lobby was spacious, elegant and above all, wonderfully cool; outside, in Syntagma Square, the temperature was still in the mid‑ twenties. The people inside the hotel were well‑ dressed and looked prosperous and it was easy to forget that Greece was a country with 26 per cent unemployment and a debt that amounted to 175 per cent of its total economy; or that Syntagma Square had seen some of the worst riots in Europe as the Greek parliament voted on austerity measures that would, it was hoped, satisfy the European central bank and, in particular, the Germans who were contributing most of the money that was needed to bail them out. All that seemed like a long way off as I walked towards the front desk.

The receptionist on duty checked me in and then handed me an envelope that had been in my pigeonhole. Inside the envelope was a handwritten message on scented stationery:

Bekim told me what time you were arriving in Athens and since I was in the vicinity of your hotel I thought I would stop by and say hello. I am in Alexander’s Bar, behind the front desk. I shall wait until 2. 15 a. m. Valentina (00. 55)

PS, If you’re too tired from your journey, I shall quite understand, but please send this note back via the bellboy.

I went up to my room with the porter and pondered my next move. I wasn’t particularly tired: Athens is two hours ahead of London time and having scorned the plastic in‑ flight meal, I was now hungry for something more substantial than a handful of peanuts from the minibar. Greeks tend to eat quite late in the evening and I was sure I could still get some dinner, but I felt less certain about eating on my own; an attractive dining companion would surely be a pleasant alternative to my iPad. So I cleaned my teeth, changed my shirt and went back downstairs to find her.

In spite of what Bekim had said I still suspected that I was about to meet a hooker. For one thing there was his own priapic reputation to consider, for another there was her nationality. I don’t know why so many Russian women become hookers but they do; I think they feel it’s the only thing that will get them out of Russia. After our pre‑ season tour I never wanted to see the country again either. I’ve never minded the company of prostitutes – after you’ve been in the nick for something you didn’t do, you learn never to judge anyone – it’s just sleeping with them I object to. It doesn’t make me better than Bekim – or any of the other guys in football who succumb to all the temptations made possible by a hundred grand a week. I was just older and perhaps a little wiser and, truth be told, just a little less pussy‑ hungry than I used to be. You get older, your sleep matters more than what’s laughingly called your libido.

Alexander’s Bar looked like something out of an old Hollywood movie. The marble counter was about thirty feet long, with proper bar stools for some serious, lost weekend drinking, and more bottles than a bonded warehouse. Behind the bar was a tapestry of a man in a chariot I assumed was Alexander the Great; some attendants were carrying a Greek urn beside his chariot that looked a lot like the FA Cup which probably explained why everyone looked so happy.

It wasn’t hard to spot Valentina: she was the one in the grey armchair with legs up to her armpits, coated tweed minidress and Louboutin high heels. Louboutins are easy to identify; I only knew the minidress was a three‑ grand Balmain because I liked to shop online and it was a rare month when I didn’t buy something for Louise on Net‑ a‑ Porter. The blonde hair held in a loose chignon gave Valentina a regal air. If she was a hooker she wasn’t the kind who was about to give a discount for cash.