Chapter Nineteen

T he next morning Jerry found out how a hangover must feel. His eyes burned with fire, fueled by lack of sleep. His head throbbed with shooting pains. His stomach was sensitive to the slightest movement and the lurching of the bus caused strange reactions in his body. It reminded him of when he was a kid and got carsick sometimes on trips to the beach with his parents so that they'd have to stop the car by the side of the road while Jerry either vomited or waited for the storm in his stomach to subside. What added to his troubles this morning was the possibility of a test in geography and he hadn't studied at all last night so wrapped up had he been in the chocolate sale and what had happened in Leon's class. Now, he was paying the penalty for too little sleep and no study — trying to read a lousy geography lesson on a lumbering lurching bus, the morning light dazzling on the white page.

Somebody slipped into the seat beside him.

" Hey, Renault, you got guts, know that? "

Jerry looked up, blinded momentarily as his eyes shifted from the page to the face of the kid who'd spoken to him. He knew him vaguely from school — a junior, maybe. Lighting a cigarette the way all the smokers did despite the " No Smoking" signs, the kid shook his head. " Boy, you really let Leon that bastard have it. Beautiful. " He blew out smoke. Jerry's eyes stung.

" Oh, " he said, feeling stupid. And surprised. Funny, all this time he had thought of the situation as a private battle between Brother Leon and himself, as if the two of them were alone on the planet. Now, he realize that it had gone beyond that.

" I'm so sick of selling the frigging chocolates, " the kid said. He had a terrible case of acne, his face like a relief map. And his fingers were stained with nicotine. " I've been at Trinity two years — I transferred from Monument High when I was a freshman — and Christ I'm getting tired of selling stuff. " He tried to blow a smoke ring but failed. Worse than that the smoke blew back in Jerry's face, stinging his eyes. " If it isn't chocolates, it's Christmas cards. If it isn't Christmas cards, it's soap. If it isn't soap, it's calendars. But you know what? "

" What? " Jerry asked, wanting to get back to his geography.

" I never thought of just saying no. Like you did. "

" I've got some studying to do, " Jerry said, not knowing what to say, really.

" Boy, you're cool, know that? " the kid said admiringly.

Jerry blushed with pleasure despite himself. Who didn't want to be admired? And yet he felt guilty, knowing that he was accepting the kid's admiration under false pretenses, that he wasn't cool at all, not at all. His head pounded and his stomach moved menacingly and he realized he had to face Brother Leon and the roll call again this morning. And all the mornings to come.

* * *

The Goober was waiting for him at the school's entrance, standing tense and troubled among the other fellows waiting for school to start, like prisoners resigned to execution, taking their final drags from cigarettes before the bells began to ring. The Goober motioned Jerry aside. Jerry followed him guiltily. He realized that Goober wasn't the cheerful happy-go-lucky kid he'd known when school first started. What had happened? He'd been so wrapped up in his own concerns that he hadn't bothered about Goob.

" Jeez, Jerry, what did you do it for? " Goober asked, drawing him away from the others.

" Do what? "

But he knew what Goober meant.

" The chocolates. "

" I don't know, Goob, " Jerry said. It was no use faking out Goober the way he had faked out that kid on the bus. " That's the truth — I don't know. "

" You're asking for trouble, Jerry. Brother Leon spells trouble. "

" Look, Goob, " Jerry said, wanting to reassure his friend, wanting to wipe that look of concern from his face. " It's not the end of the world. Four hundred kids in this school are going to sell chocolates. What does it matter if I don't? "

" It's not that simple, Jerry. Brother Leon won't let you get away with it. "

The warning bell sounded. Cigarettes were flipped into the gutter or mashed into the sand-filled receptacle near the door. Last drags were inhaled lingeringly. Guys who'd been sitting in cars listening to rock on the radio switched them off and slammed the doors behind them.

" Nice going, kid, " somebody said, hurrying by, the pat on the ass Trinity's traditional gesture of friendship. Jerry didn't see who it was.

" Keep it up, Jerry. " This, a corner-of-the-mouth whisper from Adamo who hated Leon with a vengeance.

" See how the word is spreading? " Goober hissed. " What's more important — football and your marks or the lousy chocolate sale? "

The bell rang again. It meant two minutes left to get to your locker and then to your homeroom.

A senior by the name of Benson approached them. Seniors were trouble for freshmen. It was better to be ignored by them than to be noticed. But Benson was clearly headed in their direction. He was a nut, known for his lack of inhibitions, his complete disregard of the rules.

As he neared Jerry and Goober, he began a Jimmy Cagney imitation, shooting his cuffs and hunching his shoulders. " Hey, there, guy. I wouldn't… I wouldn't be in your shoes… I wouldn't be in your shoes for a thou, boy, a mill…" He punched Jerry playfully on the arm.

" You couldn't fit those shoes anyway, Benson, " somebody yelled. And Benson danced away, Sammy Davis now, wide grin, feet tapping, body whirling.

Walking up the stairs, Goober said, " Do me a favor, Jerry. Take the chocolates today. "

" I can't, Goob. "

" Why not? "

" I just can't. I'm committed now. "

" The goddam Vigils, " Goober said.

Jerry had never heard Goober swear before. He'd always been a mild kind of kid, rolling with the punches, loose and carefree, running around the track while the other kids sat uptight during practice sessions.

" It's not The Vigils, Goob. They're not in it anymore. It's me. "

They stopped at Jerry's locker.

" All right, " Goober said, resigned, knowing it was useless to pursue the subject any further at the moment. Jerry felt sad suddenly because Goober looked so troubled, like an old man heaped with all the sorrows of the world, his thin face drawn and haggard, his eyes haunted, as if he had awakened from a nightmare he couldn't forget.

Jerry opened his locker. He had thumbtacked a poster to the back wall of the locker on the first day of school. The poster showed a wide expanse of beach, a sweep of sky with a lone star glittering far away. A man walked on the beach, a small solitary figure in all that immensity. At the bottom of the poster, these words appeared — Do I dare disturb the universe? By Eliot, who wrote the Waste Land thing they were studying in English. Jerry wasn't sure of the poster's meaning. But it had moved him mysteriously. It was traditional at Trinity for everyone to decorate the interior of his locker with a poster. Jerry chose this one.

He had no time now to ponder the poster any longer. The final bell rang and he had thirty seconds to get to class.

* * *

" Adamo? "

" Two. "

" Beauvais? "

" Three. "

It was a different roll call this morning, a new melody, a new tempo, as if Brother Leon were the conductor and the class the members of a verbal orchestra, but something wrong with the beat, something wrong with the entire proceedings, as if the members of the orchestra were controlling the pace and not the conductor. No sooner would Brother Leon call out a name than the response came immediately, before Leon had time to make a notation in the ledger. It was the kind of spontaneous game that developed in classes without premeditation, everyone falling into a sudden conspiracy. The quickness of the resposes kept Brother Leon busy at his desk, head bent, pencil furiously scribbling. Jerry was glad that he wouldn't have to look into those watery eyes.

" LeBlanc? "

" One. "

" Malloran? "

" Two. "

Names and numbers sizzled in the air and Jerry began to notice something curious about it. All the ones and twos, and an occasional three. But no fives, no tens. And Brother Leon's head still bent, concentrating on the ledger. And finally —

" Renault. "

It would be so easy, really, to yell " Yes" To say, " Give me the chocolates to sell, Brother Leon. " So easy to be like the others, not to have to confront those terrible eyes every morning. Brother Leon finally looked up. The tempo of the roll call had broken.

" No, " Jerry said.

He was swept with sadness, a sadness deep and penetrating, leaving him desolate like someone washed up on a beach, a lone survivor in a world full of strangers.