Chapter Sixteen

S uch a terrible mark, Caroni. "

" I know, I know. "

" And you are usually such a splendid scholar. "

" Thank you, Brother Leon. "

" How are your other marks? "

" Fine, Brother, fine. In fact, I thought… I mean, I was aiming for high honors this term. But now, this F …"

" I know, " the teacher said, shaking his head sorrowfully, in commiseration.

Caroni was confused. He had never received an F before in his life. In fact, he had seldom received a mark lower than an A. In the seventh and eighth grades at St. Jude's, he had received straight A 's for two years except for a B -plus one term. He had scored so high on the Trinity entrance exam that he had been awarded one of the rare Trinity scholarships — one hundred dollars contributed toward his tuition, and his picture in the paper. And then this terrible F, a routine test turning into a nightmare.

" The F surprised me as well, " Brother Leon said. " Because you are such an excellent student, David. "

Caroni looked up in sudden wonder and hope. Brother Leon seldom called a student by his first name. He always kept a distance between himself and his pupils. " There is an invisible line between teacher and student, " he always said, " and it must not be crossed. " But, now, hearing him pronounce " David" in such friendly fashion and with such gentleness and understanding, Caroni allowed himself to hope — but for what? Had the F been a mistake, after all?

" This was a difficult test for several reasons, " the teacher went on. " One of those exams where the wrong, subtle interpretation of the facts made the difference between pass and fail. In fact, that was it exactly — a pass-fail test. And when I read your answer, David, for a moment I thought it was possible that you had passed. In many respects you were correct in your assertions. But, on the other hand…" His voice trailed away, he seemed deep in thought, troubled.

Caroni waited. A horn blew outside — the school bus lumbering away. He thought of his father and mother and what they would do when they learned of the F. It would drag down his average — it was almost impossible to overcome an F no matter how many other A 's he managed to make.

" One thing students don't always realize, David, " Brother Leon went on, speaking softly, intimately, as if there were no one in the world except them, as if he had never talked to anyone in the world the way he was talking to David at this moment, " one thing they don't grasp is that teachers are human too. Human like other people. " Brother Leon smiled as if he had made a joke. Caroni allowed himself a small smile, unsure of himself, not wanting to do the wrong thing. The classroom was suddenly warm, it seemed crowded although there were just the two of them there. " Yes, yes, we are all too human. We have our good days and our bad days. We get tired. Our judgment sometimes becomes impaired. We sometimes — as the boys say — goof. It's possible even for us to make mistakes correcting papers, especially when the answers are not cut and dried, not one thing or another, not all black nor all white…"

Caroni was all ears now, alert — what was Brother Leon driving at? He looked sharply at Brother Leon. The teacher looked as he always did — the moist eyes that reminded Caroni of boiled onions, the pale damp skin, and the cool talk, always under control. He held a piece of white chalk in his hand like a cigarette. Or maybe like a miniature pointer.

" Did you ever hear a teacher admit that it's possible for him to make a mistake, David? Ever hear that before? " Brother Leon asked, laughing.

" Like an umpire saying he made the wrong call, " Caroni said, joining in the teacher's little joke. But why the joke? Why all this talk of mistakes?

" Yes, yes, " Leon agreed. " No one is without error. And it's understandable. We all have our duties and we must discharge them. The Headmaster is still in the hospital and I take it as a privilege to act in his behalf. Besides this, there are the extra-curricular activities. The chocolate sale, for instance…"

Brother Leon's grip was tight on the piece of chalk. Caroni noticed how his knuckles were almost as white as the chalk itself. He waited for the teacher to continue. But there was only silence. Caroni watched the chalk in Brother Leon's hands, the way the teacher pressed it, rolled it, his fingers like the legs of pale spiders with a victim in their clutch.

" But it's all rewarding, " Leon went on. How was it that his voice was so cool when the hand holding the chalk was so tense, the veins sticking out, as if threatening to burst through the flesh?

" Rewarding? " Caroni had lost the thread of Brother Leon's thought.

" The chocolate sale, " Leon said.

And the chalk split in his hand.

" For instance, " Leon said, dropping the pieces and opening the ledger that was so familiar to everyone at Trinity, the ledger in which the daily sales were recorded. " Let me see — you have done fine in the sale, David. Eighteen boxes sold. Fine. Fine. Not only are you an excellent scholar but you possess school spirit. "

Caroni blushed with pleasure — it was impossible for him to resist a compliment, even when he was all mixed up as he certainly was at the moment. All this talk of exams and teachers getting tired and making mistakes and now the chocolate sale… and the two pieces of broken chalk abandoned on the desk, like white bones, dead men's bones.

" If everyone did his part like you, David, the sale would be an instant success. Of course, not everyone has your spirit, David…"

Caroni wasn't sure what tipped him off. Maybe the way Brother Leon paused at this point. Maybe the entire conversation, all of it off-key somehow. Or maybe the chalk in Brother Leon's hands, the way he had snapped it in two while his voice remained cool and easy — which was the phony thing: the hand holding the chalk, all tense and nervous, or the cool, easy voice?

" Take Renault, for instance, " Brother Leon continued. " Funny thing about him, isn't it? "

And Caroni knew. He found himself staring into the moist watchful eyes of the teacher and in a blinding flash he knew what this was all about, what was happening, what Brother Leon was doing, the reason for this little conversation after school. A headache began to assert itself above his right eye, the pain digging into his flesh — migraine. His stomach lurched sickeningly. Were teachers like everyone else, then? Were teachers as corrupt as the villains you read about in books or saw in movies and televison? He'd always worshiped his teachers, had thought of becoming a teacher himself someday if he could overcome his shyness. But now — this. The pain grew in intensity, throbbing in his forehead.

" Actually, I feel badly for Renault, " Brother Leon was saying. " He must be a very troubled boy to act this way. "

" I guess so, " Carom said, stalling, uncertain of himself and yet knowing really what Brother Leon wanted. He had seen Brother Leon every day in the classroom calling out the names and had watched him recoil as if from a blow when Jerry Renault continued to refuse the chocolates. It had become a kind of joke among the fellows. Actually, Caroni had felt badly for Jerry Renault. He knew that no kid was a match for Brother Leon. But now he realized that Brother Leon had been the victim. He must have been climbing the walls all this time, David thought.

" Well, David. "

And the echo of his name here in the classroom startled him. He wondered if he still had aspirins left in his locker. Forget the aspirins, forget the headache. He knew now what the score was, what Leon was waiting to hear. Yet, could he be sure?

" Speaking of Jerry Renault…" Caroni said — a safe beginning, a statement he could draw back from, depending on Brother Leon's reaction.

" Yes? "

The hand had picked up one of the pieces of chalk again, and that " Yes? " had been too quick, too sudden to allow any doubt. Caroni found himself hung up between choices and the headache didn't help matters. Could he erase that F by telling Brother Leon simply what he wanted to hear? What was so terrible about that? On the other hand, an F could ruin him. And how about all the other F's it was possible that Leon could give him in the future?

" Funny thing about Jerry Renault, " Caroni heard himself saying. And then instinct caused him to add, " But I'm sure you know what it's all about, Brother Leon. The Vigils. The assignment…"

" Of course, of course, " Leon said, sitting back, letting the chalk fall gently from his hand.

" It's a Vigil stunt. He's supposed to refuse to sell chocolates for ten days — ten school days — and then accept them. Boy, those Vigils, they're really something, aren't they? " His head was killing him and his stomach was a sea of nausea.

" Boys will be boys, " Leon was saying, nodding his head, his voice a whisper — it was hard to tell whether he was surprised or relieved. " Knowing Trinity's spirit, it was obvious, of course. Poor Renault. You remember, Caroni, that I said he must be troubled. Terrible, to force a boy into that kind of situation, against his will. But it's all over then, isn't it? The ten days — why they're up, let's see, tomorrow. " He was smiling now, gayly, and talking as if the words themselves didn't matter but that it was important to talk, as if the words were safety valves. And then Caroni realized that Brother Leon had used his name but this time he hadn't said David…

" Well, I guess that's it then, " Brother Leon said, rising, " I've detained you too long, Caroni. "

" Brother Leon, " Caroni said. He couldn't be dismissed at this point. " You said you wanted to discuss my mark…"

" Oh, yes, yes, that's right, my boy. That F of yours. "

Caroni felt doom pressing upon him. But went on anyway. " You said teachers make mistakes, they get tired…"

Brother Leon was standing now. " Tell you what, Caroni. At the end of the term, when the marks close, I'll review that particular test. Perhaps I'll be fresher then. Perhaps I'll see merit that wasn't apparent before…"

Now it was Caroni's turn to feel relief from the tension, although his headache still pounded and his stomach was still upset. Worse than that, however, he had allowed Brother Leon to blackmail him. If teachers did this kind of thing, what kind of world could it be?

" On the other hand, Caroni, perhaps the F will stand, " Brother Leon said " It depends…"

" I see, Brother Leon, " Caroni said.

And he did see — that life was rotten, that there were no heroes, really, and that you couldn't trust anybody, not even yourself.

He had to get out of there as fast as possible, before he vomited all over Brother Leon's desk.