Chapter III

She came to my cabin for three successive nights, and we made love.

It was hurried, furtive love, and after the first shock of excitement had passed, it was unsatisfactory love — anyway, for me.

She was frightened someone would see her coming or leaving my cabin. She was terrified her husband would find out she was being unfaithful to him.

So our love-making was furtive, and it worried me to find how jumpy she was, and how she would sit up abruptly on the bed, her fingers gripping my arm, when there was any unusual sound such as the occasional passing car, the hoot of the owl or the tapping on the roof from a branch of a tree.

Each of these three nights, she stayed with me for less than an hour. Our moments together consisted only of this desperate, violent love-making. We scarcely had time to talk before she wanted to get back to her home, and I knew as little about her now as I had done when I first met her.

But in spite of that, I was in love with her. For me, this union meant much more than the physical act of love. It bothered me to know that her husband had such a powerful influence over her.

If she talked about anything, it was about him. I didn’t want to listen to what she had to say about him. I wanted her to talk about herself, and I longed for her to talk about me, but she didn’t.

“I would never forgive myself if he found out, ” she said as she dressed on the third night of our love-making. “I keep thinking he might be wanting me. In the past, he has had nights of pain, and he has woken me to give him something to make him sleep. He could be calling for me now. ”

“For God’s sake, Gilda, get him out of your mind! ” I was fast losing patience with her. “Why don’t you tell him the truth? Why don’t you tell him you’re in love with me and you must have your freedom? ”

“But, Terry, I can never leave him. I’m responsible for the accident that spoilt his life. I could never, never leave him! ”

I pulled her to me.

“Do you love me, Gilda? ”

She looked up at me, and there was that thing again in her eyes.

“Can you doubt it, Terry? Yes, I love you. I think of you every minute of the day. I long to be with you. It’s a dreadful thing to say, but if only he were dead... then I could be with you as I want to be with you for always. I’ll never be free until he is dead. ”

“But he isn’t likely to die, is he? ” I said impatiently.

She pulled away from me and, moving to the window, she looked out onto the moonlit trees.

“No. When the doctor examined him before he came here, he said he was in splendid shape. He could easily last for another thirty years or more. ”

“Well, then, why waste time wishing he were dead? We’re not going to wait for thirty years, are we? You’ve got to ask him for a divorce! ”

“I can’t do it, Terry! ” She looked up at me. “How many more times do I have to tell you I can’t possibly leave him. ”

“Of course you can! He has money. He could get a nurse to look after him. How much money do you think he has got? ”

She lifted her shoulders.

“I don’t know — a lot. A hundred and fifty thousand: perhaps more. ”

Well, then, he can afford to have someone to look after him, and you can have your freedom. ”

She turned away from me.

“If he died, Terry, ” she said in a low, distinct voice, “that money would come to me. You and I would share it. What would you do with a hundred and fifty thousand dollars? ”

“Why talk about it? ”

“Terry, please! I’m asking you! What would you do with all that money? ”

I suddenly began to think what I would do with such a sum if it were mine. The thought sent a creepy sensation up my spine.

“If I had that amount of capital, ” I said, “I could double it in a year. I would open a shop in Los Angeles. I would have three or maybe four service vans covering the whole district. I would specialize in hand-made Hi-Fi sets. I could make a whale of a lot of money. ”

“You would love to do that, wouldn’t you? And I would love to be at your side and see you do it. ”

I stared at her.

“What’s the sense of talking like this, Gilda? He’s not going to die. You won’t get the money until you are too old to get any fun out of it! So what? Get a divorce! Never mind about the money! Get your freedom! ”

She shook her head.

“I can’t get a divorce. I can’t help this guilt complex of mine. It was my fault he became a cripple. I can’t leave him now. ”

I drew in a long breath of exasperation.

“So what do we do? ”

She moved slowly out of the bedroom and into the lounge and I followed her. She paused on the verandah.

“What do we do, Terry? ” she said, not looking at me. “We mustn’t see each other again, that’s what we do. It’s as simple as that. The woman I despise most is the cheat. I have been despising myself ever since we began to make love. We must stop it. It’s the only way. There is no other way. We must stop seeing each other. ”

That gave me a hell of a jolt.

“Now, look... ”

“I mean it, Terry. ”

“Don’t let’s make hasty decisions. We’ll talk about it tomorrow night. This is something... ”

“There won’t be a tomorrow night, ” she said. “I won’t be coming tomorrow night. This has got to be stopped now. ”

I caught hold of her, but she broke free.

“No, please, don’t make it harder for me, Terry. You don’t imagine I like this any better than you do, but I know now how wicked I have been and I must stop it. I must go. We mustn’t ever see each other again. ”

There was such despair and truth in her voice that I stepped away from her, a sharp pain at my heart.

She ran down the verandah steps and across to the garage.

I remained there, watching her drive away, trying to tell myself that she couldn’t mean what she said, that it was only her conscience bothering her, and that tomorrow night I would see her again.

But she didn’t come.

The following night I sat on the verandah waiting for her, and as the hands of my watch moved around to half past twelve, I knew she wouldn’t be coming.

That made me feel pretty bad.

The following day was Friday: the day she always went into Glyn Camp to do the week’s shopping.

I was down there, waiting for her.

But she didn’t come.

After a while I began to prowl up and down the main street looking for her, but I didn’t see her.

Finally, at twelve o’clock, I had to accept the bitter fact that she wasn’t coming, and I headed back to the parking lot feeling depressed enough to cut my throat.

As I reached the truck, I saw Sheriff Jefferson coming towards me with a young fellow in a smart city suit who was a stranger to me.

It was too late to duck out of sight, so I waved to Jefferson, making out I was glad to see him.

“I want you to meet Matt Lawson, ” he said. “Mr Lawson, this is Terry Regan who I was telling you about. ”

Lawson thrust out his hand. He looked just out of college and as bright and as sharp as they come.

I shook hands with him.

“Mr Regan, ” he said, “I understand from Sheriff Jefferson you look after all the TV sets in the district. ”

“Well, I wouldn’t say all of them, but I certainly look after most of them. ”

Jefferson said, “I’ll leave you two gentlemen to discuss your business. I promised Doc I’d give him a game of checkers. ”

He shook hands with Lawson, told me he expected me to look him up soon, and then walked over to his office.

Lawson said, “I’ll cut it short, Mr Regan, as you’re in a hurry. I’m from the National Fidelity, and I’m selling TV insurance. I was wondering if you would give me a list of your clients. It would save me a lot of leg work. I don’t expect you to give me the list for nothing. I suggest I pay you a quarter of my commission on any sale I make. ”

Although I wasn’t in the mood to talk business right then, I wasn’t so stupid not to see the advantage of such a proposition.

“What kind of insurance are you selling? ” I asked.

“The usual: coverage for the tube, all maintenance charges and spares. All I want is the names and addresses of people owning sets in the district. ”

“Well, okay. I have my address book in the truck. I’ll lend it to you. You make a copy of it and give the book to the Sheriff. I’ll pick it up when next I’m in town. ”

He said he would do that.

As I searched for the address book, I said, “I didn’t know the National Fidelity did TV insurance. I thought they only handled life policies. ”

“We cover the whole insurance field. Of course our biggest business is in life. ”

I gave him the address book and then shook hands with him and drove back to my cabin.

I had collected the various spares for Delaney’s super-set, and I started work on the set during the afternoon.

I worked on it for two reasons: because I had never been given the chance to build a real super-set before, and it did my pride good to tackle such a job, but also, and much, much more important, because I knew instinctively that Gilda had meant what she had said, and this super-set would give me a legitimate excuse to go up to Blue Jay cabin and spend some time there installing the set, and while I was there I would be able to see her.

So I worked on the set, my ears cocked for the telephone bell to ring which didn’t ring, waiting for her to change her mind and knowing she wouldn’t change her mind, and feeling as bad as a man can feel who is fatally in love with a woman, wanting her every moment of the day and knowing he isn’t going to have her.

And as I worked on the set, I became more and more aware that the one obstacle standing between Gilda and myself was an elderly man who sat day after day in a wheel chair, a helpless cripple, who was no use to himself nor to anyone else.

The following day I drove down to Los Angeles to select wood for the cabinet I was going to build for Delaney’s super-set. I discussed with the cabinet maker how I wanted the wood cut and he promised to have it ready in an hour.

With an hour to kill, I wandered the streets, shop window gazing. I came upon a jeweller’s shop, and, in the window, I saw a blue and silver powder compact. It attracted my attention because the blue in it exactly matched the colour of Gilda’s eyes.

I went in and bought it.

I told the salesman to put Gilda’s name on the inside lid and he did it while I waited.

When I got back to my cabin, I went to the telephone, picked up the receiver and called Blue Jay cabin.

The sound of her voice as she said “Yes? Hello? ” set my heart thumping.

“Will you have dinner with me in Los Angeles tomorrow night? ” I said, speaking slowly and distinctly. “I’ll be outside the gate at eleven. ”

There was a very slight pause, then she said, “I’m afraid you have the wrong number. No, it’s quite all right. It’s no trouble, ” and she hung up.

I guessed Delaney was in the room and was listening to her. I replaced the receiver.

There was nothing more now I could do except wait for tomorrow night.

At a quarter to eleven, wearing my best suit, I drove over to Blue Jay cabin.

At one minute to eleven, she came down the path.

The sight of her sent my blood racing. I stood there, my hands resting on the top of the gate, watching her as she moved towards me with that liquid grace of hers.

When she reached me, she paused and looked at me. I opened the gate and she moved through to my side.

“Hello, Terry, ” she said.

That wasn’t quite the greeting I had expected. There was nothing much I could say to that, but I did what I wanted to do: I grabbed at her.

I grabbed nothing. She slid away from me. It was like trying to catch hold of a shadow.

“No, Terry! ”

The sharp note in her voice chilled me.

“What do you mean — no? ” I said. “I’ve been living for this moment ever since I called you. ”

“Yes, and so have I, but I told you: we are not going to make love together again. If you can’t see me without that, then we can’t meet. We can’t be anything to each other except friends. ”

“Friends? After what you and I have been together? ”

“All right, Terry. I’ll go back. I’m sorry, but that’s the way I feel. I shouldn’t have come down to meet you. If we can’t just be friends, then I can’t see you again. ”

I drew in a long, deep breath.

“Okay, ” I said. “I’ll accept the terms. ”

“Is it so hard for you, Terry? ”

“Never mind that. You heard what I said: I accept the terms. Let’s go. It’s getting late. ”

She walked with me to the truck and got in beside me.

“There’s a restaurant I know, ” I said as I started the engine. “It’s out of the way and safe. No one will know us there. ”

“Thank you for thinking of that. ”

It was an eighty-mile, run down to Los Angeles. It was a good road, but it took the best part of two hours to get there. We didn’t say much to each other during the run. She made the effort at first and prattled about this and that, but it was talk that meant nothing, and she seemed to realize it for she suddenly stopped, and the rest of the run was made in silence.

The Italian restaurant I had chosen was out at Hermosa Beach. The food was supposed to be good.

When we reached the restaurant I steered the truck into the parking lot, and we went together to the terrace overlooking the sea where there were tables with shaded lamps, and soft music that couldn’t offend anyone and waiters in white coats moving about quickly and efficiently as slick as a well-oiled machine.

We had dinner of scampi, escalope alia Bolognese and a bottle of good red wine.

I kept looking at her, hoping to see that thing in her eyes, but it wasn’t there. It was as if the lighted windows of the house that you knew always gave you a welcome were screened suddenly with black blinds.

“I’m loving this, Terry, ” she said when they brought the escalopes. “This is the first time I have been taken out for nearly four years. ”

“I’m glad I got the idea, ” I said. “If you can fix it, maybe we’ll come again. ”

Probably she caught the bitter note in my voice. She looked quickly at me.

“Terry... tell me something about yourself. This shop of yours: are you very ambitious about it? Tell me how you feel about it. ”

I wasn’t interested, but if she wanted to keep up this grotesque pretense, I had to go along with her.

“Well, if I had some money, ” I said, pushing the food around on my plate but not eating it, “I’d buy myself a shop. I know just the place. This running around servicing people’s sets and selling here and there won’t ever get me anywhere. What I need is a shop with a good window where I can display hand-built Hi-Fi sets and sell discs in a good demonstration room. That’s what I want, but getting it is not so easy. I could never dig up enough money. ”

“How much would you need? ” she asked, looking intently at me.

“That depends. Twenty-five thousand would take care of it. Twice that amount to do something on the grand scale. ”

“If he died, Terry, you would have all the capital you need. ”

“That’s right, ” I said. “You told me that before. If he died... ”

I saw her glance furtively at her watch. I beat her to it. “You’ll be wanting to get back. He might be wanting a pill or something. ”

“Oh, Terry, please... ”

I snapped my fingers at the waiter and got the check.

As we walked back to the truck, she said, “I’ve loved every second of this, Terry. ”

“I’m glad. ”

I wasn’t going to be such a hypocrite as to say I had loved it too.

I got the truck moving, and we drove out of Los Angeles and hit the mountain road.

We didn’t talk.

When we were within a couple of miles from Blue Jay cabin, I pulled up.

She turned quickly to look at me.

“Why are you stopping? ”

“There’s something I want to give you. ”

I took the package containing the compact out of my pocket and dropped it into her lap.

“What is it, Terry? ”

I turned on the dashboard light.

“Open it and see. ”

She slipped off the elastic band, undid the wrapping and opened the box.

The compact looked terrific in its bed of cotton wool: it really looked something.

I heard her draw in her breath sharply.

“You don’t really mean this is for me? ”

“Yes. It matches the colour of your eyes. ”

“But, Terry... I shouldn’t accept it. You shouldn’t have given it to me. ”

“When I saw it I thought it looked made for you. ”

She touched the compact, then turned it over in her fingers.

“You are tempting me, Terry, and I can’t resist it. ”

“I don’t mean to tempt you, ” I said. “There are no strings tied to it. I just wanted you to have it. ”

I leaned forward, started the engine and drove fast to Blue Jay cabin.

She sat beside me fingering the compact and silent.

When we reached the gate and I had stopped, she got down from the truck and I joined her.

We stood looking at each other.

“You don’t know how much I’ve enjoyed this, Terry: thank you for being so understanding, and thank you again for this lovely compact. It’s my first present in years. I love it. ”

She swayed towards me, her arms sliding around my neck and her mouth found mine.

There wasn’t any satisfaction in it for me. As I held her, I was thinking of the man lying in his bed, probably asleep, not a hundred yards from where we stood, and I knew so long as he was alive, there was only this furtive thing that was happening now between us.

III

Gilda called me early the next morning.

“When I got back to the cabin, ” she said, “he was awake. The light was on in his room. ”

My grip on the telephone receiver tightened.

“Did he know you had been out? ”

“I don’t know. He is very quiet and sulky this morning. He hasn’t said more than a few words. Listen, Terry, I can’t do this any more. You must keep away from me. I’m sorry, but I’m not going to see you again. Forgive me... I was thoughtless to have started this. Please don’t telephone, and please keep away from me. He must never find out, Terry, darling. I’m sorry... ”

“Now, look, Gilda, ” I said, “we can’t stop now... ”

“He’s coming... "

The line went dead.

When a man is in love with a woman as I was with Gilda I reckon he is a little out of his head. I know this much: after four days and four long, hellish nights, I was in a pretty bad way. I couldn’t settle to anything. My work went haywire. I got short-tempered with my clients. I didn’t sell anything.

I kept thinking of her.

I telephoned Blue Jay cabin three times: once, Maria, the fat Mexican maid, answered and I hung up. Once Delaney answered and I hung up. Once Gilda answered and she hung up.

I went out there at night and prowled around their garden like a sneak thief. Just to see her silhouette against the blind of her bedroom window made me feel so bad it scared me.

On the fifth night, I got out the whisky bottle and gave myself a shot that practically stunned me. I’m not a drinking man, but I realized I had to have something to dull this raging ache for her, and the whisky did the trick. For the first time for four nights, I slept, but I dreamed about her.

But why go on?

Eight days after we had last seen each other something happened to bring this nightmare thing to a head.

It was nine in the evening. There was no moon and there was a hint of rain. I was sitting on the verandah, smoking and brooding into the darkness. I was a little high, and I was set to get stinking again. I heard the telephone bell ring.

I went into the sitting-room and took up the receiver.

“Is that you, Regan? ”

I recognized Delaney’s voice. The sound turned me cold sober and set my heart hammering.

“Yes. ”

“The set’s packed up. I think the tube’s gone. ”

This was the first good news I had had during those long hellish days. Here, at last, was a legitimate excuse to see her again.

“I’ll come over right away. ”

“Tomorrow will do. ”

Tomorrow was Friday. There was a chance she would be down at Glyn Camp and I would miss, her.

“I can’t come tomorrow, ” I said. “I’ll be right over. ”

“Okay: please yourself. ”

I hung up.

I got to Blue Jay cabin in under ten minutes.

There was a light on in the lounge. I got off the truck, collected my kit and walked up onto the verandah.

I was pretty worked up at the thought of seeing her again, but when I walked into the lounge I found Delaney reading and alone.

I hadn’t thought of that possibility. I hadn’t thought she would deliberately avoid me, and it gave me a hard, jolting jar of disappointment.

Delaney waved towards the TV set.

“I guess the tube’s burnt out, ” he said.

As I began to check the valves, Delaney, who had been watching me, said abruptly, “I’ll give you a tip. If ever my wife offers you a ride in the car, don’t accept. She’s dangerous in a car. I was fool enough to let her drive me once: only once, mind you, but it was enough. I’ve been in this chair ever since. ”

I didn’t say anything. After a moment or so, I found a burnt out valve.

I went out to the truck to get a replacement. I saw there was i a light in Gilda’s bedroom. The blind was down. She was in there, keeping out of sight.

I went back into the lounge and fitted the valve. Then I turned on the set. The picture came up. I adjusted the contrast, tested the sound, then turned the set off.

“It’s okay now, ” I said.

“Well, that was simple enough, ” Delaney said. “What do I owe you? ”

“Three dollars. ”

Raising his voice, he shouted: “Gilda! Come here! ”

The way you call to a dog when your temper’s short.

It was then I noticed a half full bottle of whisky and a glass on the table near him and I realized he had been drinking heavily.

The door opened and Gilda came in. I was shocked to see how pale she was. She looked at me, her eyes screened, and she nodded politely.

“Give me three dollars, ” Delaney said, snapping his fingers impatiently at her.

She crossed the room to where her bag was lying on the sideboard.

I had just fixed the back of the TV set in place. As I tightened the last screw, she walked over to Delaney and opened her bag. She took out three one-dollar bills, and as she did so, the bag slipped out of her hand. It fell on the floor and its contents spilled out by Delaney’s chair.

Right where he couldn’t fail to see it was the blue and silver powder compact I had given her.

Delaney stared at the compact.

For a split second Gilda seemed paralysed, then she darted forward and snatched up the compact.

Delaney grabbed her wrist, twisted it brutally, and wrenched the compact out of her hand. She tried to get it from him.

All this happened in seconds.

His face vicious, Delaney swung his left hand and struck her very hard across her nose and mouth. The sound of his hand hitting her made a tiny explosion in the room.

The force of the blow sent her reeling. She lost her balance and fell on her hands and knees.

I remained where I was, fighting down a murderous impulse to get my fingers around his throat and choke the life out of him.

Muttering under his breath, Delaney stared at the compact.

Gilda got unsteadily to her feet. Her nose was bleeding slightly. She looked bad, with blood running down her chin, and her face white and tense.

Delaney opened the compact and stared at her name engraved on the inside flap. Then he looked up, his face contorted with rage.

“So you’ve found a lover, ” he said and the viciousness in his voice sickened me.

Gilda didn’t say anything. She leaned against the wall, her hands pressing her breasts, blood dripping from her nose on to her dress.

“So you’re not content to have made me a cripple, you have to act the whore as well. ”

He threw the compact across the room. It hit the opposite wall. The lid broke off and the mirror smashed.

Gilda ran out of the room.

Delaney suddenly seemed to become aware of me.

“Get out! ” he shouted. “If you spread this over your lousy little town, I’ll fix you! I’ll sue you to hell! Get out! ”

I picked up my tool kit and went out of the room, down the steps to the truck.

I drove to the gate, pulled up and got out to open the gate.

Gilda came out of the darkness and into the light of my headlights.

She looked bad. Her nose was bruised, and there was dried blood on her chin and her eyes were glittering.

I started towards her.

“Don’t touch me! ”

The hysterical note in her voice brought me to a standstill.

“You can’t stay with him now, Gilda, ” I said. “Not after this. Come with me! I’ll make you happy! He’ll have to give you a divorce! ”

“No! Keep away from here! ” she said, the words spilling out of her mouth. “It was because I was fool enough to fall in love with you that my life is now being threatened. ”

“Don’t talk like that! You can’t stay with him now! You’ve got to come with me! ”

I grabbed hold of her and tried to pull her to me but she wrenched herself free.

“Keep away from me! Do you want me to go down on my knees and beg you to keep away from me? I can persuade him that I bought that compact myself if you will only keep away from me! How many more times do I have to tell you I can never leave him? ”

“Until he is dead, ” I said quietly. “That’s what you said, isn’t it? ”

She made a desperate, impatient gesture with her hands.

“He won’t die. He’ll last for years. Keep away from me or you’ll make me hate you as much as I love you now. ”

She turned and ran away into the darkness.

I didn’t attempt to go after her.

This was the moment when I decided to kill him.

There was no other way out for us.

I was surprised I hadn’t thought of this solution before.

Chapter III

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