NO MORE TOMORROWS

Tru woke at dawn, just as the morning light began to stream through the window, and reached for Hope, only to realize that the bed was empty. Propping himself up on his elbow, he wiped the sleep from his eyes, surprised and a little disappointed. He’d wanted to spend the morning lingering in bed with Hope, whispering and making love, staving off the reality that this would be their final day together.

Rising from the bed, Tru threw on the jeans and shirt he’d been wearing the day before. On the pillowcase he saw smudges of mascara, a remnant of last night’s tears, and felt a wave of panic at the thought of losing Hope. He wanted another day, another week, another year with her. He wanted a lifetime of years, and he was willing to do whatever she needed so they could stay together forever.

He mentally rehearsed what he would say to Hope as he headed toward the kitchen. He smelled coffee, but to his surprise Hope wasn’t there. He poured himself a cup and continued his search, poking his head into the dining room and family room to no avail. He finally traced her whereabouts to the back porch, where he could see her beyond the window, sitting in a rocker. The rain had stopped, and as she stared toward the ocean, Tru thought again that she was the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen.

He paused only slightly before pushing the door open.

Hope turned at the sound. Though she offered up a tentative smile, her eyes were rimmed with red. The exquisite sadness of her expression made him wonder how long she’d been alone with her thoughts, replaying the impossibilities of their situation.

“Good morning, ” she said, her voice soft.

“Good morning. ”

When they kissed, he felt a hesitancy from her he hadn’t expected, and it suddenly rendered moot all the speeches he had rehearsed. He had the sense that even if he said the words, she was no longer ready to hear them. Something had shifted, he realized with foreboding, even if he wasn’t sure what.

“I didn’t wake you, did I? ” she asked.

“No, ” he answered. “I didn’t hear you leave the bedroom. ”

“I tried to be quiet. ” The words sounded rote.

“I’m surprised you’re even awake, since you got in so late. ”

“Sleeping in wasn’t meant to be, I guess. ” He watched as she took a sip of coffee before going on. “Did you sleep okay? ”

“Not really, ” he admitted.

“I didn’t, either. I’ve been awake since four. ” She motioned with her cup toward the rocker. “I dried your seat, but you might want to give it another wipe just to make sure. ”

“All right. ”

Grabbing the towel she’d left on the seat, he ran it over the wooden planks before perching on the edge of the rocker. His insides were roiling. For the first time in days, the sky showed patches of blue, though a quilt of white clouds still trailed out over the water, the tail end of the storm receding in the distance. Hope turned back toward the ocean, as though unable to face him, saying nothing.

“Was it raining when you woke up? ” he asked into the silence. Small talk, he knew, but he wasn’t sure what else to do.

She shook her head. “No. It stopped sometime last night. Probably not long after I got home. ”

He angled his rocker toward hers, waiting to see if she would do the same with hers. She didn’t. Nor did she speak. He cleared his throat. “How was the wedding? ”

“It was beautiful, ” she said, still refusing to look at him. “Ellen was glowing, and a lot less stressed than I thought she would be. Especially considering her phone call the other day. ”

“The rain wasn’t a problem? ”

“They ended up holding the ceremony on the porch. People had to stand shoulder to shoulder, but that made it more intimate, somehow. And the reception went off without a hitch. The food, the band, the cake…It was a lot of fun for everyone. ”

“I’m glad it went well. ”

She seemed lost in thought for a moment before finally turning to face him. “How did it go with your father? I’ve been wondering about that since I left yesterday. ”

“It was…” Tru hesitated, searching for the right word. “Interesting. ”

“How is he? What’s he like? ”

“He’s not what I imagined. ”

“How so? ”

“I suppose I was expecting more of a roguish figure. But he’s not like that at all. He’s in his midseventies and he’s been married for almost forty years to the same woman. He has three adult children, and worked for one of the big oil companies. He reminded me of many of the guests from America who visit the lodge. ”

“Did he tell you what happened between him and your mother? ”

Tru nodded, then started at the beginning. For the first time that morning, Hope seemed to emerge from her shell, escaping in the moment the prison of her dark thoughts. Mesmerized by his account, she couldn’t hide her shock when he finished.

“And he was sure your grandfather was the one who kidnapped him? ” she asked. “He’d never met him, so it wasn’t as though he could recognize the voice. ”

“It was my grandfather, ” Tru said. “There’s no doubt in my mind. Just as there wasn’t any in his. ”

“That’s…terrible. ”

“My grandfather could be a terrible man. ”

“How do you feel about it? ” Hope probed, her voice gentle.

“It was a long time ago. ”

“That’s not much of an answer. ”

“It’s also the truth. ”

“Does it make you think any differently about your father? ”

“In a way, ” he said. “I’d always assumed he just ran off without a care for my mother. But I was wrong. ”

“Would you mind sharing the photographs and the drawings? ”

Tru went back inside and fetched them from the end table. Handing her the stack, he took a seat in his rocker again and watched as Hope began to examine them.

“Your mother was very beautiful, ” she commented.

“Yes, she was. ”

“You can tell she was in love with him. And that he felt the same about her. ”

Tru nodded, his thoughts focused more on Hope than the events of the day before. He was trying to memorize everything about the way she looked, every quirk and gesture. When she finished with the photographs, she lifted the first of the drawings, the one of his mother staring at her reflection in the mirror.

“She was very talented, ” she said. “But I think your work is better. ”

“She was still young. And she had more natural ability than I do. ”

When she finished examining the stack of drawings, she took another sip of coffee, finishing the cup.

“I know you just woke up, but are you up for a walk on the beach? ” she ventured. “I have to take Scottie out soon. ”

“Sure, ” he said. “Let me get my boots. ”

By the time he was ready, Scottie was already standing next to the gate, his tail wagging. Tru opened the gate, allowing Hope to lead the way, and once on the beach, Scottie took off, racing toward a flock of birds. They followed slowly, the morning cooler than it had been on previous days. For a while, neither one of them seemed to want to break the silence. When Tru slipped his hand into hers, she seemed to hesitate before her hand finally relaxed. Her defenses were going up, and it registered as an ache.

They walked in silence for a long time, Hope glancing at him only now and then; mostly she seemed to be focusing on something in the distance or out over the water. As it had been most of the week, the beach was empty and quiet. There were no boats, and even the gulls and terns seemed to have taken flight. Confirming his earlier feelings of dread, he now sensed with certainty that something had happened, that there was something she was afraid to tell him. He had a strong premonition that whatever was on her mind would both surprise and hurt him, and he felt his heart sink. Desperate, he thought again about all he wanted to tell her, but before he could speak the words, she raised her gaze to his.

“I’m sorry I’m so quiet, ” she offered, forcing a smile. “I’m not very good company this morning. ”

“It’s all right, ” he said. “You had a late night. ”

“It’s not that, ” she said. “It’s…” She trailed off, and Tru felt a touch of spray from the waves. It left him damp and chilled.

She cleared her throat. “I want you to know I had no idea what was going to happen. ”

“I’m not sure what you’re talking about. ”

Her voice became softer, her fingers tightening in his grip. “Josh showed up at the wedding. ”

Tru felt his stomach tighten but said nothing. Hope went on.

“After the phone call the other night, he booked a flight to Wilmington. I guess he hadn’t liked the way I sounded. He arrived right before the ceremony…He just showed up and could tell I wasn’t happy about it. ” She took a few steps, watching the sand in front of her. “It wasn’t too hard to avoid him at first. After the ceremony, the bridal party had to sit for a lot of photographs, and I was seated with Ellen at the main table. I stuck with my girlfriends for most of the evening, but toward the end of the reception, I went outside to cool off, and he found me. ” She drew a long breath, as if summoning the words she needed. “He apologized, said he wanted to talk, and…”

As she spoke, Tru felt everything beginning to slip away. “And? ” he prompted gently.

She stopped walking and turned to face him. “When he showed up, all I could think about was this week and how much it’s meant to me. Last week, I didn’t even know you existed, so part of me can’t help but wonder whether I’m crazy. Because I know that I love you. ”

Tru swallowed, noting that her eyes were bright with tears.

“Even now, when I’m here with you, all I can think is how right this feels. And I don’t want to leave you. ”

“Then stay with me, ” he pleaded. “We’ll figure something out. ”

“It’s not that simple, Tru. I love Josh, too. I know that must be painful for you to hear, and the truth is that I don’t feel the same way about him that I do for you. ” Her eyes beseeched him. “You’re both so different…” She seemed to be grasping for something out of her reach. “I feel like I’m at war with myself—like two different people, who want completely different things. But…”

When she appeared unable to continue, Tru gripped her arms.

“I can’t imagine a life without you, Hope, and I don’t want one. I want you, and only you, forever. Could you really give up what we have without regret? ”

She stood frozen, her face a mask of anguish. “No. I know there’s part of me that will regret it forever. ”

He stared at her, trying to read her, already knowing what she was trying to tell him. “You’re not going to tell him about us, are you? ”

“I don’t want to hurt him…”

“And yet you’re willing to keep secrets from him? ”

He regretted the words as soon as they came out. “That’s not fair, ” she cried, shaking off his touch. “Do you think I want to be in this position? I didn’t come here to make my life even more complicated than it already was. I didn’t come here because I wanted to fall in love with another man. But no matter what I decide, someone is going to be hurt, and I never, ever wanted that. ”

“You’re right, ” he murmured. “I shouldn’t have said it. It wasn’t fair, and I apologize. ”

Her shoulders slumped, her anger slowly giving way to confusion again. “Josh seemed different this time. Scared. Serious…” she mused, almost to herself. “I just don’t know…”

It was now or never, Tru suddenly realized, and he reached for her hand again. “I wanted to talk to you earlier about this, but last night when I couldn’t sleep, I did a lot of thinking. About you and me. About us. And maybe you’re not quite ready to hear it, but…” He swallowed, his eyes on hers. “I want you to come with me to Zimbabwe. I know it’s asking a lot, but you could meet Andrew and we could make a life there. If you don’t like that I’m in the bush so much, I can find something else to do. ”

Hope blinked without speaking, trying to absorb what he was saying. She opened her mouth to respond, then closed it again, even as she released his hand. She turned, facing the ocean, before finally shaking her head.

“I don’t want you to change who you are for me, ” Hope insisted. “Guiding is important to you—”

“You’re more important, ” he said, hearing the desperation in his voice. Feeling the future, all his hopes, begin to recede. “I love you. Don’t you love me? ”

“Of course I do. ”

“Then before you say no, can you at least think about it? ”

“I have, ” she said, so quietly he almost couldn’t make out her voice over the sound of the surf. “Yesterday, when I was coming back from the wedding, I thought about exactly that. Just…running off to Africa with you. Leaving, without a second thought. And part of me longed to do that. I imagined explaining the situation to my parents, sure that they’d give me their blessing. But…”

She raised her eyes to his, her expression drawn in anguish. “How can I leave my dad, knowing he has only a few years left? I’ll need to spend these last years with him, for me as much as him. Because I know I’ll never forgive myself if I don’t. And my mom is going to need me, even if she thinks that she won’t. ”

“I could fly you back home as often as you want. Once a month if that’s what you need. Or even more. Money’s not an issue. ”

“Tru…”

He felt a surge of panic. “What if I move here? ” he offered. “To North Carolina? ”

“What about Andrew? ”

“I’d fly back every month. I’ll see him more than I do now. Whatever you need from me, I’ll do it. ”

She stared at him in agony, her hand clenched in his.

“But what if you can’t? ” she asked. The words were almost a whisper. “What if there’s something that I need that you can never give me? ”

At her words, he flinched as if he had been slapped. All at once, he understood what she’d been trying so hard not to tell him. That to be with him meant closing the door to having children of her own. Hadn’t she told him about her lifelong dream? Her treasured image of holding the baby she had just given birth to, of creating a human life with the man she treasured? More than anything, she wanted to be a mother—she wanted to give birth to a child—and it was the one thing he could not give her. In her face, the silent plea for forgiveness was as pronounced as her pain.

He turned away, unable to face her. He’d always believed that anything was possible when it came to love, that any obstacle could be overcome. Wasn’t that a truth that nearly everyone took for granted? As he struggled with the implacability of what Hope had just said, she hugged her arms to her body.

“It makes me hate myself, ” she cried, her voice cracking. “That there’s this part of me that needs to have a baby. I wish I could imagine a life without a child, but I can’t. I know it would be possible to adopt, and now there’s even amazing medical technology, but…” She shook her head and let out a long breath. “It just wouldn’t be the same. I hate that this is true for me, but it is. ”

For a long time neither of them spoke, both of them staring at the waves. Finally, Hope said in a ragged voice, “I never want to think to myself that I gave up my dream for you. I never want to have a reason to resent you…the thought terrifies me. ” She shook her head. “I know how selfish I sound, how much I’m hurting you. But please don’t ask me to go with you, because I will. ”

He reached for her hand and brought it to his lips, kissing it. “You’re not selfish, ” he said.

“But you despise me. ”

“Never. ”

He drew her into his arms, pulling her close. “I’ll always love you. There’s nothing you can ever do or say that will take that away. ”

Hope shook her head, trying and failing to keep the tears from spilling out.

“There’s something else, ” she said, her voice thick as she began to cry in earnest. “Something I haven’t told you. ”

Inwardly, he braced himself. Somehow he knew what she was going to say.

“Josh asked me to marry him last night, ” Hope said. “He told me he’s ready to start a family. ”

Tru said nothing. Instead, feeling dizzy, he slumped in her arms, as if his limbs had turned to lead. Though he wanted to console her, he felt a numbness spreading through him.

“I’m sorry, Tru, ” she said. “I didn’t know how to tell you last night. But I haven’t given him an answer yet. I want you to know that. And I want you to understand that I had no idea he was going to ask me. ”

He swallowed, trying to keep his own emotions in check. “Does it really matter that you didn’t expect him to ask? ”

“I don’t know, ” she said. “Right now, I don’t feel like I understand anything. All I know is that I never wanted it to end like this. I never wanted to hurt you. ”

A physical ache seemed to flow through him, beginning in his chest and radiating outward until even his fingertips throbbed.

“I can’t force you to stay with me, ” he whispered. “As much as I want to, I can’t. Nor will I try, even if it means that I’ll never see you again. But I would like to ask something of you. ”

“Anything, ” she whispered.

He swallowed. “Will you try to remember me? ”

She made a strangled noise, and he knew she couldn’t speak. Instead, she pressed her lips closed and nodded. Tru pulled her closer, feeling her collapse into him, as if her legs would no longer support her. When she began to sob, Tru felt himself crumbling. Beyond them, the waves marched on, indifferent to the world slowing to a stop between them.

He wanted her and only her, forever. But that wasn’t possible. Not anymore, for despite the love they felt for each other, Tru already knew what Hope’s answer to Josh was going to be.

Back at the cottage, Hope cleared any items from the refrigerator that might spoil and put them in a garbage bag. When she headed to the shower, Tru brought the bag to the bins outside. His head was spinning and by the time he returned to the kitchen, he heard the shower running in the bathroom. He rummaged through drawers until he located paper and a pen. Ravaged, he tried to order his feelings by putting words on the page. There was so much he wanted to say.

When he was finished, he returned to his father’s house and retrieved two drawings. He put those, along with the letter, into the glove compartment of her car, knowing that by the time she discovered them, their time together would already be in the past.

When Hope finally emerged, she was carrying her suitcase. Dressed in jeans, a white blouse, and the sandals she’d picked up a few days earlier, she was heartbreakingly beautiful. He was sitting at the table again, and after turning out all the lights, Hope went to sit on his lap. She put her arms around him, and for a long time they simply held each other. When she pulled back, her expression was subdued.

“I should probably get going, ” she finally said.

“I know, ” he whispered.

She got up, and after putting Scottie on a leash, she moved slowly to the door.

It was time. Tru picked up her suitcase, along with the box of mementos she’d collected earlier in the week. He followed her out the front door, pausing beside her as she locked the door and inhaling the wildflower scent of the shampoo she used.

He loaded her things into the trunk while she put Scottie in the back seat. After closing the doors, she approached him slowly. He held her again, neither of them able to speak. When finally she pulled back, he tried a smile, even though everything was breaking inside.

“If you ever plan on taking a safari, make sure you let me know. I can tell you which lodges you should visit. It doesn’t have to be in Zimbabwe. I have contacts all over the region. You can always reach me through the lodge at Hwange. ”

“All right, ” she said in an unsteady voice.

“And if you just want to talk or see me, I’ll make that happen. Airlines make the world a much smaller place. If you need me, I’ll come. All right? ”

She nodded, unable to meet his eyes as she adjusted the purse strap on her shoulder. He wanted to beg her to come with him; he wanted to tell her that a love like theirs would never be replicated. He could feel the words forming, but they stayed inside him.

He kissed her, softly, gently, one last time, then opened the door for her. When she was behind the wheel, he pushed the door shut, his hopes and dreams shattering at the sound. He heard the engine fire up and saw her roll down the window.

She reached out, taking his hand in hers.

“I’ll never forget you, ” she said. And then all at once, she let go. She put the car in reverse and began to back out of the driveway. Tru followed as if in a trance.

A ray of sunlight broke from the clouds, illuminating her car like a spotlight as it finally started rolling forward. Away from him. She didn’t glance in his direction. He continued to follow, drawn into the street.

By then, her car was already growing smaller in the distance. It was fifty yards away, then even more, her image no longer visible through the rear window, but Tru continued to watch it. He felt hollowed out, a hull.

The brake lights flashed once, and then suddenly steadied, glowing red. The car came to a halt, and he saw the driver’s-side door open. Hope stepped out and turned to face him. She seemed so far away and when she blew him a final, tender kiss, he couldn’t bring himself to return the gesture. She waited for a moment, then got back in the car, the door closing behind her. The car started rolling forward again.

“Come back to me, ” he whispered, watching as she reached the corner that led to the main road off the island.

But she couldn’t hear him. Ahead of him, the car slowed but didn’t stop. No longer able to watch, Tru bent over double, his hands on his knees. Beneath him, the asphalt bore the inkblot stain of his tears.

When he looked up again, the car had vanished completely and the road was deserted.

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