CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

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Everyone looked relieved when I returned to the office.

“You didn’t have to be so worried, ” I said. “We just delivered a casserole. ”

“What kind of casserole? ” Lula asked.

“Baked ziti with cheese and sausage. ”

“I might go to the after-funeral party to get some of that, ” Lula said.

“Too late. Benny ate it. ”

“Now all I can think of is ziti and melty cheese, ” Lula said. “We should order from Pino’s. ”

“I’ll go for the Vodka Rig, ” Connie said.

“Make that two, ” Lula said.

“Order me something without dairy or tomatoes or gluten, ” Potts said.

“That would be the paper napkins, ” Lula said. “Are you sure you have all those allergies? ”

“I have a nervous stomach from the PTSD, ” Potts said. “It’s hard to tell what’s an allergy and what’s irritable bowel syndrome. All I know is I get the poops a lot. ”

“Bummer, ” Lula said. “In the beginning I just thought you were weird and annoying, but now I’m starting to see you’re okay. It’s just that you’ve got a lot of problems. Even if they aren’t real, I guess they’re still problems if they give you the poops. ”

“That’s profound, ” Potts said.

“You bet your ass, ” Lula said. “There’s more to me than meets the eye. ”

“Call the order in to Pino’s, and get a vodka rig for me, too, ” I told Connie. “I’ll pick it up. I want to drive by some addresses anyway. ”

Lula and Potts followed me out of the office, and everyone piled into my SUV.

“You know what this is like? ” Potts said. “This is like we’re a posse. I’ve never been part of a posse before. This is so cool. ”

“Where’d you come up with that one? ” Lula asked him.

“I was watching television last night and they had a rerun of Entourage. Remember that? It was a television show and then it was a movie? And this guy Vince had a posse. And I was thinking that’s like us. We’re a posse. ”

“I remember that show, ” Lula said. “Vince was hot. He didn’t have as much muscle as I like but he had good hair. ”

My first drive-by was Cluck-in-a-Bucket. I wanted to check on Arnold Rugalowski. It was lunchtime and he should be working the fry station. I thought it wouldn’t hurt to see if he wanted to get a new court date. A polite inquiry.

I turned into the lot and parked and told everyone to stay in the car. Lula was happy to do this, and Potts didn’t put up much of a fight. They were getting worn down by failure and getting syringed and shot at. I wasn’t that smart. I kept pushing forward. Nothing stopped me. I was like RoboStephanie.

I cut the line at the counter and went straight to the front. “I’d like to talk to Arnold, ” I said.

“He isn’t here, ” the girl working the counter said. “He quit yesterday. ”

“Did he get another job? ”

“I don’t know, ” she said. “He just left. ”

“Well? ” Lula asked when I got back behind the wheel.

“He wasn’t there. He quit yesterday. ”

“Where did he go? ”

I shrugged. “Don’t know. ”

The next address on my list was the Mole Hole. It was in the opposite direction from Pino’s, but I had time to kill before our food was ready. I crossed over the train tracks and wound my way past the train station to the Mole Hole. I cruised through the lot and noted that the blue pickup and black Escalade were parked close to the entrance. Shine’s henchmen were on-site.

I drove past the Margo and Carlotta’s Bakery. I didn’t see Shine lurking in either of these locations. There were cars parked in front of the bakery, but nothing that had Shine’s name on it. I drove around the block and headed for Pino’s.

“I think there’s a big black car following us, ” Potts said. “When you drove past the Mole Hole just now, it came out of the lot. It’s hard to tell, but I think the two guys in front are the ones who shot at us. ”

I pulled up my back camera and saw the Escalade was two car lengths behind me. So much for being hidden in Ranger’s stealth Honda. I turned toward the center of the city, where I knew I could count on traffic and lights. The Escalade turned with me. I right-turned into heavy traffic and they had to drop back by four or five cars. I ran a yellow light and they were stopped on the red.

“Hah! ” Lula said. “Amateurs. ”

They weren’t amateurs. They were unlucky. And they weren’t tailing me for surveillance. They would have rammed me from behind or passed me and cut me off. And then when I was stopped, they would have yanked me out at gunpoint.

I turned right and a block later I turned right again and made my way to Pino’s. I arrived just as my order came out of the kitchen. Lunchtime and late at night, Pino’s was a cop hangout, but I didn’t see anyone I knew today. Just as well, since I was feeling awkward walking in with my posse. It wasn’t as if we were going to eat at a table. This was three people coming in to carry out one bag.

I ate my lunch at the office, finishing it in record time. “I’m off the clock, ” I said. “I have things to do? ”

“What kind of things? ” Potts asked. “What are we going to do? ”

“We are not doing anything, ” I said. “I have things to do. And I imagine you have things to do. You’re probably way behind on your game with Mugman’s princess. ”

“Do you want me to guard your door? ”

“No. Thank you for offering, though. ”

“What about the viewing tonight? ”

“I’m going with Grandma and I’ll be perfectly safe because I’m sure she’ll be packing. Besides, no one hardly ever gets shot at a viewing. That’s usually reserved for the funeral. ”

“You don’t want to go to the viewing, anyway, ” Lula said to Potts. “You’ll have an attack from the lilies. ”

“That’s true, ” Potts said.

“Do you want me to drop you off someplace? ” I asked him.

“No, ” he said. “I’m going to stay here and read Lula’s new STAR magazine. I can walk home. ”

I drove back to my apartment building, watching for a tail, thinking about the three clues. I did a slow ride around my parking lot, making sure no one was hiding behind or sitting in a car. No blue pickup and no black Escalade. I marched into the building, took the stairs, and peeked into my hallway. Empty. Yay. I let myself into my apartment and listened. No heavy breathing. No clothes rustling. That was a good sign. I threw the bolt on my door and did a fast walk-through. No monsters lurking under the bed. No zombies in the closet. I went back to the kitchen and looked in on Rex.

“This is no way to live, ” I said to Rex. “I’m starting to understand Potts… waiting for diarrhea to strike. ”

I went to my dining room table and opened my laptop. Since the clues began with a card reference, I ran a search for casinos in Philadelphia. Two racetrack casinos. One stand-alone casino, one hotel resort casino. Plus, slot machines in more locations. I reviewed what I knew. Ace it. Missing clue. Philadelphia. Pink. Two more were missing clues. I stared at a map of Philadelphia that marked out all the casinos. Nothing. I was blank brained. There was nothing that shouted out pink. I needed the rest of the clues.

I called Ranger. “Howdy, ” I said.

“Babe. ”

“Here’s my problem. There are some rumors that Salgusta or Shine might try to attend Carla’s funeral or show up at her viewing. I’m sure there will be police presence, but I wouldn’t mind additional security for Grandma. ”

“No problem, ” Ranger said.

“Thanks. I hate to keep asking you for help, but I can’t do this alone. ”

“I file this under entertainment, ” Ranger said. “And the help will come with a price. I’m running a tab for you. ”

Oh boy.

I fluffed up my hair, added an extra coat to my mascara, and swiped on some lip gloss. I left the bathroom and confronted the bags that were on my bedroom floor. A half hour later, the bags were empty. Everything had been put away in drawers or hung on hangers. I was dressed in new skinny black slacks, black flats, a royal blue and black striped sweater, and a short black jacket that matched the slacks. I was pretty sure I looked amazing. I thought about taking my gun but decided against it. The gun wouldn’t fit in my new little cross-body bag. Plus, I didn’t have any bullets and I didn’t want to shoot anyone.

Grandma was ready to go when I got to my parents’ house. My mother was at the door with her.

“Don’t let her out of your sight, ” my mother said to me. “She’s got it into her head that Lou Salgusta will be at the viewing and she’s going to take him down. ”

“I said he might be there, ” Grandma said.

“This is why I drink, ” my mother said.

“As good a reason as any, ” Grandma said, already on the move to my SUV.

The funeral home is a five-minute drive from my parents’ house. We arrived fifteen minutes before it opened, and all the parking places were already taken. The lot was full, and cars were parked on both sides of Hamilton as far as the eye could see. A crush of people filled the front porch and spilled down the steps onto the sidewalk.

“Go around the block, ” Grandma said. “You can park in front of Lena Kriswicki’s house and we can cut through her yard. She’s right behind the funeral home. ”

I parked in front of Lena’s house and followed Grandma. She walked past Lena’s dining room window and a dog started barking.

“That’s Lena’s Scotty, ” Grandma said. “He’s a snappy one. ”

Lena’s back door opened, and Lena stepped out just as we were rounding the corner of her house. She tagged Grandma in a flashlight beam.

“Edna, is that you? ” Lena asked.

“There’s no parking places left for the viewing tonight, ” Grandma said. “We parked in front of your house. ”

“No problem, ” Lena said. “Just be careful. I hear Lou and Benny are feuding, and since Lou is crazy, anything could happen. ”

“I’ll keep my eyes open, ” Grandma said.

We walked through Lena’s backyard, bushwhacked through a six-foot hedge, and skirted the funeral home’s garage.

“We can go in through the back door, ” Grandma said. “That way we’ll beat the crowd and I can get a good seat up front. ”

“Are you sure that’s okay? ”

“Sure. Lena and I do it all the time. I know the key code. ”

“How do you know the key code? ”

“Lena told me. She helps out doing makeup on the deceased sometimes. She knows all about blending foundation to get just the right skin tone. She used to work the Esté e Lauder counter at Macy’s. ”

Grandma punched the code into the door lock, and we walked down the long hallway to the public area. A door was open just past the hospitality kitchen. It was the side door to Slumber Room #1. I looked in and saw that Benny was sitting at the head of the open casket. He was sitting on a straight chair that was too small for him and he was oozing over the sides of the seat. Two young wiseguys in training stood behind him. I knew them from previous experiences with Benny, and I knew their primary function was making food runs and getting Benny out of his chair.

Benny saw us standing in the doorway and waved us into the room. “Sit, ” he said. “They’re gonna open the doors right away and it’s gonna be a cattle stampede. ”

Grandma took a front-row seat, I sat down beside her, and I got a text from Lula.

Where are you? Lula wanted to know.

Front row left. Right in front of the casket, I texted back.

Save me a seat, Lula texted. And save seats for Connie and her mother. We’re all together in a big jam-up in the lobby.

The doors crashed open and people rushed in, some sitting, some filing past the deceased. Benny accepted condolences with a nod of his head. Lula sat next to me, and Connie sat next to Lula. Connie’s mom was somewhere in the casket viewing line.

“The satellite television truck is outside, ” Lula said. “And I think half the police force is in here. I saw Morelli at the back of the room. He’s looking hot. He’s wearing a tweedy jacket with jeans. And he’s got a five o’clock shadow and his hair is overdue for a cut and sort of waving over his ears. I wanted to take a bite out of him. ”

“Is he alone? ” I asked.

“He’s with Schmidt. Schmidt isn’t looking all that hot. Schmidt needs to lay off the donuts. ”

“Did you see Ranger? ”

“No, but Potts is outside. He can’t come in because of his allergies. He said to tell you he’s there if you need him. ”

Connie leaned across Lula. “My mom said there’s talk about how Lou has gone completely off the rails. Total postal. Word is he’s completely obsessed with you and Grandma. Marie Georgio said she was driving home, and she spotted him in front of your parents’ house two nights ago. She said he was crouched behind a parked car and he had his flamethrower with him. She blew her horn at him and he skulked away. ”

“That’s the Golden Years for you, ” Grandma said. “One minute you’re doing good, retired from your day job of whacking people, and then out of the blue you get an aneurysm and next thing you’ve got your flamethrower out and you’re setting cats on fire. ”

“I can’t sit here, ” Lula said. “I’m getting the creepy crawlies. I’m going out to the cookie table. ”

“I’ll go with you, ” I said. “I want to look around. ”

Mostly I wanted to look around for Charlie Shine and his flunkies. Probably I didn’t need to look for Lou Salgusta, since the police would notice an old guy carrying a flamethrower.

“Follow me, ” Lula said. “I’ll muscle us through the folks who are sweating it out in the lobby. It wasn’t pretty when we were stuck in the middle of them. I thought they were never going to open the doors to the viewing room. ” She nudged a couple of people out of her way. “Coming through. S’cuse us. We got an emergency here. ”

We reached the cookie table in the lobby. I took an Oreo and told Lula I was going off on my own.

“Okay, ” she said, “but don’t get kidnapped or anything. ”

I inched my way through the crowd, scanning the room. I reached the far side of the lobby and someone wrapped an arm around me and pulled me aside. It was Morelli.

“I almost didn’t recognize you, ” he said. “No ponytail. ”

“It’s job related. Uncooperative FTA. ”

“Did you make the capture? ”

“Yes. ”

That got a full-on smile. “You look pretty. How’s the treasure hunt going? ”

“It’s going slow. ”

“I never thanked you for walking Bob. Maybe I could thank you over dinner tomorrow, ” Morelli said.

“Bob looked like a sissy dog. ”

“He rolled in something disgusting. I put him under the hose, but it didn’t help, so I had to take him to a groomer. ”

Duh. I should have thought of that instead of jumping to conclusions. Not sure Morelli being all smiley and chatty with Gabriela would be so easy to explain away.

“I imagine you and forty other cops will be at the funeral tomorrow, ” I said.

“You got that right. We’re hoping Shine will be dumb enough to show. And Benny still has a few enemies. Most of them have cataracts, but Benny is a big, slow-moving target. ”

“He has his wise guys with him. ”

“Dumb and Dumber, ” Morelli said.

“Shine has some of his own. ”

“They aren’t as dumb. Two of them are seasoned soldiers. ”

He still had his arm around me, and I was having conflicting feelings. The contact felt warm and comforting and delicious, but at the same time there was the knowledge that it wasn’t especially healthy.

“I should be getting back to Grandma, ” I said.

“About dinner? ”

“I was under the impression that you had other dinner partners. ”

Morelli looked at me for a long moment. “Do you really want to have a dinner partner discussion right now? ”

I looked over his shoulder and saw Ranger watching from a distance. “No, ” I said. “You make a good point. I’d like a rain check on the dinner. I have a lot going on. ”

What went unsaid was that we had a conflict of interest on several fronts… romantic, professional, and personal.

I stopped at the cookie table, filled a to-go cardboard coffee cup with cookies, and made my way back to the front row. I gave the cup of cookies to Benny, and he looked like he was going to burst into tears.

“You’re an angel, ” he said, shoving the cookies into his mouth. “God bless you. ”

“You missed Gabriela, ” Lula said when I sat down. “She was wearing a black Akris two-piece with Mikimoto pearls on her ears. She gave Benny her condolences and kissed him on his cheek. ”

“How’d the kiss go over? ” I asked.

“Not nearly as well as your cookies. ”

I turned toward the back of the room and caught a glimpse of Morelli looking cozy with Gabriela. They were standing too close together for my comfort. Not touching. Not exchanging spit. Just too close. She was too pretty. Too slick. Too at ease.

“My life is such a mess, ” I said to Lula.

“Maybe, ” she said, “but your hair looks good. ”

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