16 PARIS. 17 VISITOR

16 PARIS

AT THAT MOMENT, MY HEAD BROKE THE SURFACE.

How disorienting. I'd been sure I was sinking.

The current wouldn't let up. It was slamming me against more rocks; they beat against the center of my back sharply, rhythmically, pushing the water from my lungs. It gushed out in amazing volume, absolute torrents pouring from my mouth and nose. The salt burned and my lungs burned and my throat was too full of water to catch a breath and the rocks were hurting my back. Somehow I stayed in one place, though the waves still heaved around me. I couldn't see anything but water everywhere, reaching for my face.

" Breathe! " a voice, wild with anxiety, ordered, and I felt a cruel stab of pain wher I recognized the voice–because it wasn't Edward's.

I could not obey. The waterfall pouring from my mouth didn't stop long enough for me to catch a breath. The black, icy water filled my chest, burning.

The rock smacked into my back again, right between my shoulder blades, and another volley of water choked its way out of my lungs.

" Breathe, Bella! C'mon! " Jacob begged.

Black spots bloomed across my vision, getting wider and wider, blocking out the light.

The rock struck me again.

The rock wasn't cold like the water; it was hot on my skin. I realized it was Jacob's hand, trying to beat the water from my lungs. The iron bar that had dragged me from the sea was also… warm… My head whirled, the black spots covered everything…

Was I dying again, then? I didn't like it–this wasn't as good as the last time. It was only dark now, nothing worth looking at here. The sound of the crashing waves faded into the black and became a quiet, even whoosh that sounded like it was coming from the inside of my ears…

" Bella? " Jacob asked, his voice still tense, but not as wild as before. " Bells, honey, can you hear me? "

The contents of my head swished and rolled sickeningly, like they'd joined the rough water…

" How long has she been unconscious? " someone else asked.

The voice that was not Jacob's shocked me, jarred me into a more focused awareness.

I realized that I was still. There was no tug of the current on me–the heaving was inside my head. The surface under me was flat and motionless. It felt grainy against my bare arms.

" I don't know, " Jacob reported, still frantic. His voice was very close. Hands–so warm they had to be his–brushed wet hair from my cheeks. " A few minutes? It didn't take long to tow her to the beach. "

The quiet whooshing inside my ears was not the waves–it was the air moving in and out of my lungs again. Each breath burned–the passageways were as raw as if I'd scrubbed them out with steel wool. But I was breathing.

And I was freezing. A thousand sharp, icy beads were striking my face and arms, making the cold worse.

" She's breathing. She'll come around. We should get her out of the cold, though. I don't like the color she's turning…" I recognized Sam's voice this time.

" You think it's okay to move her? "

" She didn't hurt her back or anything when she fell? "

" I don't know. "

They hesitated.

I tried to open my eyes. It took me a minute, but then I could see the dark, purple clouds, flinging the freezing rain down at me. " Jake? " I croaked.

Jacob's face blocked out the sky. " Oh! " he gasped, relief washing over his features. His eyes were wet from the rain. " Oh, Bella! Are you okay? Can you hear me? Do you hurt anywhere? "

" J‑ Just m‑ my throat, " I stuttered, my lips quivering from the cold.

" Let's get you out of here, then, " Jacob said. He slid his arms under me and lifted me without effort–like picking up an empty box. His chest was bare and warm; he hunched his shoulders to keep the rain off of me. My head lolled over his arm. I stared vacantly back toward the furious water, beating the sand behind him.

" You got her? " I heard Sam ask.

" Yeah, I'll take it from here. Get back to the hospital. I'll join you later. Thanks, Sam. "

My head was still rolling. None of his words sunk in at first. Sam didn't answer. There was no sound, and I wondered if he were already gone.

The water licked and writhed up the sand after us as Jacob carried me away, like it was angry that I'd escaped. As I stared wearily, a spark of color caught my unfocused eyes–a small flash of fire was dancing on the black water, far out in the bay. The image made no sense, and I wondered how conscious I really was. My head swirled with the memory of the black, churning water–of being so lost that I couldn't find up or down. So lost… but somehow Jacob…

" How did you find me? " I rasped.

" I was searching for you, " he told me. He was half‑ jogging through the rain, up the beach toward the road. " I followed the tire tracks to your truck, and then I heard you scream…" He shuddered. " Why would you jump, Bella? Didn't you notice that it's turning into a hurricane out here? Couldn't you have waited for me? " Anger filled his tone as the relief faded.

" Sorry, " I muttered. " It was stupid. "

" Yeah, it was really stupid, " he agreed, drops of rain shaking free of his hair as he nodded. " Look, do you mind saving the stupid stuff for when I'm around? I won't be able to concentrate if I think you're jumping off cliffs behind my back. "

" Sure, " I agreed. " No problem. " I sounded like a chain‑ smoker. I tried to clear my throat–and then winced; the throat‑ clearing felt like stabbing a knife down there. " What happened today? Did you… find her? " It was my turn to shudder, though I wasn't so cold here, right next to his ridiculous body heat.

Jacob shook his head. He was still more running than walking as he headed up the road to his house. " No. She took off into the water–the bloodsuckers have the advantage there. That's why I raced home–I was afraid she was going to double back swimming. You spend so much time on the beach…" He trailed off, a catch in his throat.

" Sam came back with you… is everyone else home, too? " I hoped they weren't still out searching for her.

" Yeah. Sort of. "

I tried to read his expression, squinting into the hammering rain. His eyes were tight with worry or pain.

The words that hadn't made sense before suddenly did. " You said… hospital. Before, to Sam. Is someone hurt? Did she fight you? " My voice jumped up an octave, sounding strange with the hoarseness.

" No, no. When we got back, Em was waiting with the news. It's Harry Clearwater. Harry had a heart attack this morning. "

" Harry? " I shook my head, trying to absorb what he was staying. " Oh, no! Does Charlie know? "

" Yeah. He's over there, too, with my dad. "

" Is Harry going to be okay? "

Jacob's eyes tightened again. " It doesn't look so great right now. "

Abruptly, I felt really sick with guilt–felt truly horrible about the brainless cliff dive. Nobody needed to be worrying about me right now. What a stupid time to be reckless.

" What can I do? " I asked.

At that moment the rain stopped. I hadn't realized we were already back to Jacob's house until he walked through the door. The storm pounded against the roof.

" You can stay here, " Jacob said as he dumped me on the short couch. " I mean it–right here I'll get you some dry clothes. "

I let my eyes adjust to the dark room while Jacob banged around in his bedroom. The cramped front room seemed so empty without Billy, almost desolate. It was strangely ominous–probably just because I knew where he was.

Jacob was back in seconds. He threw a pile of gray cotton at me. " These will be huge on you, but it's the best I've got. I'll, er, step outside so you can change. "

" Don't go anywhere. I'm too tired to move yet. Just stay with me. "

Jacob sat on the floor next to me, his back against the couch. I wondered when he'd slept last. He looked as exhausted as I felt.

He leaned his head on the cushion next to mine and yawned. " Guess I could rest for a minute…"

His eyes closed. I let mine slide shut, too.

Poor Harry. Poor Sue. I knew Charlie was going to be beside himself. Harry was one of his best friends. Despite Jake's negative take on things, I hoped fervently that Harry would pull through. For Charlie's sake. For Sue's and Leah's and Seth's…

Billy's sofa was right next to the radiator, and I was warm now, despite my soaked clothes. My lungs ached in a way that pushed me toward unconsciousness rather than keeping me awake. I wondered vaguely if it was wrong to sleep… or was I getting drowning mixed up with concussions…? Jacob began softly snoring, and the sound of it soothed like a lullaby. I fell asleep quickly.

For the first time in a very long time, my dream was just a normal dream. Just a blurred wandering through old memories–blinding bright visions of the Phoenix sun, my mother's face, a ramshackle tree house, a faded quilt, a wall of mirrors, a flame on the black water… I forgot each of them as soon as the picture changed.

The last picture was the only one that stuck in my head. It was meaningless–just a set on a stage. A balcony at night, a painted moon hanging in the sky. I watched the girl in her nightdress lean on the railing and talk to herself.

Meaningless… but when I slowly struggled back to consciousness, Juliet was on my mind.

Jacob was still asleep; he'd slumped down to the floor and his breathing was deep and even. The house was darker now than before, it was black outside the window. I was stiff, but warm and almost dry. The inside of my throat burned with every breath I took.

I was going to have to get up–at least to get a drink. But my body just wanted tc he here limp, to never move again.

Instead of moving, I thought about Juliet some more.

I wondered what she would have done if Romeo had left her, not because he was banished, but because he lost interests What if Rosalind had given him the time of day, and he'd changed his mind? What if, instead of marrying Juliet, he'd just disappeared?

I thought I knew how Juliet would feel.

She wouldn't go back to her old life, not really. She wouldn't ever have moved on, I was sure of that. Even if she'd lived until she was old and gray, every time she closed her eyes, it would have been Romeo's face she saw behind her lids. She would have accepted that, eventually.

I wondered if she would have married Paris in the end, just to please her parents, to keep the peace. No, probably not, I decided. But then, the story didn't say much about Paris. He was just a stick figure–a placeholder, a threat, a deadline to force her hand.

What if there were more to Paris?

What if Paris had been Juliet's friend? Her very best friend? What if he was the only one she could confide in about the whole devastating thing with Romeo? The one person who really understood her and made her feel halfway human again? What if he was patient and kind? What if he took care of her? What if Juliet knew she couldn't survive without him? What if he really loved her, and wanted her to be happy?

And… what if she loved Paris? Not like Romeo. Nothing like that, of course. But enough that she wanted him to be happy, too?

Jacob's slow, deep breathing was the only sound in the room–like a lullaby hummed to a child, like the whisper of a rocking chair, like the ticking of an old clock when you had nowhere you needed to go…It was the sound of comfort.

If Romeo was really gone, never coming back, would it have mattered whether or not Juliet had taken Paris up on his offer? Maybe she should have tried to settle into the leftover scraps of life that were left behind. Maybe that would have been as close to happiness as she could get.

I sighed, and then groaned when the sigh scraped my throat. I was reading too much into the story. Romeo wouldn't change his mind. That's why people still remembered his name, always twined with hers: Romeo and Juliet. That's why it was a good story. " Juliet gets dumped and ends up with Paris" would have never been a hit.

I closed my eyes and drifted again, letting my mind wander away from the stupid play I didn't want to think about anymore. I thought about reality instead–about jumping off the cliff and what a brainless mistake that had been. And not just the cliff, but the motorcycles and the whole irresponsible Evel Knievel bit. What if something bad happened to me? What would that do to Charlie? Harry's heart attack had pushed everything suddenly into perspective for me. Perspective that I didn't want to see, because–if I admitted to the truth of it–it would mean that I would have to change my ways. Could I live like that?

Maybe. It wouldn't be easy; in fact, it would be downright miserable to give up my hallucinations and try to be a grown‑ up. But maybe I should do it. And maybe I could. If I had Jacob.

I couldn't make that decision right now. It hurt too much. I'd think about something else.

Images from my ill‑ considered afternoon stunt rolled through my head while I tried to come up with something pleasant to think about… the feel of the air as I fell, the blackness of the water, the thrashing of the current… Edward's face… I lingered there for a long time. Jacob's warm hands, trying to beat life back into me… the stinging rain flung down by the purple clouds… the strange fire on the waves…

There was something familiar about that flash of color on top of the water. Of course it couldn't really be fire–

My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of a car squelching through the mud on the road outside. I heard it stop in front of the house, and doors started opening and closing. I thought about sitting up, and then decided against that idea.

Billy's voice was easily identifiable, but he kept it uncharacteristically low, so that it was only a gravelly grumble.

The door opened, and the light flicked on. I blinked, momentarily blind. Jake startled awake, gasping and jumping to his feet.

" Sorry, " Billy grunted. " Did we wake you? "

My eyes slowly focused on his face, and then, as I could read his expression, they filled with tears.

" Oh, no, Billy! " I moaned.

He nodded slowly, his expression hard with grief. Jake hurried to his father and took one of his hands. The pain made his face suddenly childlike–it looked odd on top of the man's body.

Sam was right behind Billy, pushing his chair through the door. His normal composure was absent from his agonized face.

" I'm so sorry, " I whispered.

Billy nodded. " It's gonna be hard all around. "

" Where's Charlie? "

" Your dad is still at the hospital with Sue. There are a lot of… arrangements to be made. "

I swallowed hard.

" I'd better get back there, " Sam mumbled, and he ducked hastily out the door.

Billy pulled his hand away from Jacob, and then he rolled himself through the kitchen toward his room.

Jake stared after him for a minute, then came to sit on the floor beside me again. He put his face in his hands. I rubbed his shoulder, wishing I could think of anything to say.

After a long moment, Jacob caught my hand and held it to his face.

" How are you feeling? Are you okay? I probably should have taken you to a doctor or something. " He sighed.

" Don't worry about me, " I croaked.

He twisted his head to look at me. His eyes were rimmed in red. " You don't look so good. "

" I don't feel so good, either, I guess. "

" I'll go get your truck and then take you home–you probably ought to be there when Charlie gets back. "

" Right. "

I lay listlessly on the sofa while I waited for him. Billy was silent in the other room. I felt like a peeping torn, peering through the cracks at a private sorrow that wasn't mine.

It didn't take Jake long. The roar of my truck's engine broke the silence before I expected it. He helped me up from the couch without speaking, keeping his arm around my shoulder when the cold air outside made me shiver. He took the driver's seat without asking, and then pulled me next to his side to keep his arm tight around me. I leaned my head against his chest.

" How will you get home? " I asked.

" I'm not going home. We still haven't caught the bloodsucker, remember? "

My next shudder had nothing to do with cold.

It was a quiet ride after that. The cold air had woken me up. My mind was alert, and it was working very hard and very fast.

What if? What was the right thing to do?

I couldn't imagine my life without Jacob now–I cringed away from the idea of even trying to imagine that. Somehow, he'd become essential to my survival. But to leave things the way they were… was that cruel, as Mike had accused?

I remembered wishing that Jacob were my brother. I realized now that all I really wanted was a claim on him. It didn't feel brotherly when he held me like this. It just felt nice–warm and comforting and familiar. Safe. Jacob was a safe harbor.

I could stake a claim. I had that much within my power.

I'd have to tell him everything, I knew that. It was the only way to be fair. I'd have to explain it right, so that he'd know I wasn't settling, that he was much too good for me. He already knew I was broken, that part wouldn't surprise him, but he'd need to know the extent of it. I'd even have to admit that I was crazy–explain about the voices I heard. He'd need to know everything before he made a decision.

But, even as I recognized that necessity, I knew he would take me in spite of it all. He wouldn't even pause to think it through.

I would have to commit to this–commit as much of me as there was left, every one of the broken pieces. It was the only way to be fair to him. Would I? Could I?

Would it be so wrong to try to make Jacob happy? Even if the love I felt for him was no more than a weak echo of what I was capable of, even if my heart was far away, wandering and grieving after my fickle Romeo, would it be so very wrong?

Jacob stopped the truck in front of my dark house, cutting the engine so it was suddenly silent. Like so many other times, he seemed to be in tune with my thoughts now.

He threw his other arm around me, crushing me against his cheat, binding me to him. Again, this felt nice. Almost like being a whole person again.

I thought he would be thinking of Harry, but then he spoke, and his tone was apologetic. " Sorry. I know you don't feel exactly the way I do, Bella. I swear I don't mind. I'm just so glad you're okay that I could sing–and that's something no one wants to hear. " He laughed his throaty laugh in my ear.

My breathing kicked up a notch, sanding the walls of my throat.

Wouldn't Edward, indifferent as he might be, want me to be as happy as possible under the circumstances? Wouldn't enough friendly emotion linger for him to want that much for me? I thought he would. He wouldn't begrudge me this: giving just a small bit of love he didn't want to my friend Jacob. After all, it wasn't the same love at all.

Jake pressed his warm cheek against the top of my hair.

If I turned my face to the side–if I pressed my lips against his bare shoulder... I knew without any doubt what would follow. It would be very easy. There would be no need for explanations tonight.

But could I do it? Could I betray my absent heart to save my pathetic life?

Butterflies assaulted my stomach as I thought of turning my head.

And then, as clearly as if I were in immediate danger, Edward's velvet voice whispered in my ear.

" Be happy, " he told me.

I froze.

Jacob felt me stiffen and released me automatically, reaching for the door.

Wait, I wanted to say. Just a minute. But I was still locked in place, listening to the echo of Edward's voice in my head.

Storm‑ cooled air blew through the cab of the truck.

" OH! " The breath whooshed out of Jacob like someone had punched him in the gut. " Holy crap! "

He slammed the door and twisted the keys in the ignition at the same moment. His hands were shaking so hard I didn't know how he managed it.

" What's wrong? "

He revved the engine too fast; it sputtered and faltered.

" Vampire, " he spit out.

The blood rushed from my head and left me dizzy. " How do you know? "

" Because I can smell it. Dammit! "

Jacob's eyes were wild, raking the dark street. He barely seemed aware of the tremors that were rolling through his body. " Phase or get her out of here? " he hissed at himself.

He looked down at me for a split second, taking in my horror‑ struck eyes and white face, and then he was scanning the street again. " Right. Get you out. "

The engine caught with a roar. The tires squealed as he spun the truck around, turning toward our only escape. The headlights washed across the pavement, lit the front line of the black forest, and finally glinted off a car parked across the street from my house.

" Stop! " I gasped.

It was a black car–a car I knew. I might be the furthest thing from an autophile, but I could tell you everything about that particular car. It was a Mercedes S55 AMG. I knew the horsepower and the color of the interior. I knew the feel of the powerful engine purring through the frame. I knew the rich smell of the leather seats and the way the extra‑ dark tint made noon look like dusk through those windows.

It was Carlisle's car.

" Stop! " I cried again, louder this time, because Jacob was gunning the truck down the street.

" What?! "

" It's not Victoria. Stop, stop! I want to go back. "

He stomped on the brake so hard I had to catch myself against the dashboard.

" What? " he asked again, aghast. He stared at me with horror in his eyes.

" It's Carlisle's car! It's the Cullens. I know it. "

He watched dawn break across my face, and a violent tremor rocked his frame.

" Hey, calm down, Jake. It's okay. No danger, see? Relax. "

" Yeah, calm, " he panted, putting his head down and closing his eyes. While he concentrated on not exploding into a wolf, I stared out the back window at the black car.

It was just Carlisle, I told myself. Don't expect anything more. Maybe Esme… Stop right there, I told myself. Just Carlisle. That was plenty. More than I'd ever hoped to have again.

" There's a vampire in your house, " Jacob hissed. " And you want to go back? "

I glanced at him, ripping my unwilling eyes off the Mercedes–terrified that it would disappear the second I looked away.

" Of course, " I said, my voice blank with surprise at his question. Of course I wanted to go back.

Jacob's face hardened while I stared at him, congealing into the bitter mask that I'd thought was gone for good. Just before he had the mask in place, I caught the spasm of betrayal that flashed in his eyes. His hands were still shaking. He looked ten years older than me.

He took a deep breath. " You're sure it's not a trick? " he asked in a slow, heavy voice.

" It's not a trick. It's Carlisle. Take me back! "

A shudder rippled through his wide shoulders, but his eyes were flat and emotionless. " No. "

" Jake, it's okay–"

" No. Take yourself back, Bella. " His voice was a slap–I flinched as the sound of it struck me. His jaw clenched and unclenched.

" Look, Bella, " he said in the same hard voice. " I can't go back. Treaty or no treaty, that's my enemy in there. "

" It's not like that–"

" I have to tell Sam right away. This changes things. We can't be caught on their territory. "

" Jake, it's not a war! "

He didn't listen. He put the truck in neutral and jumped out the door, leaving it running.

" Bye, Bella, " he called back over his shoulder. " I really hope you don't die. " He sprinted into the darkness, shaking so hard that his shape seemed blurred; he disappeared before I could open my mouth to call him back.

Remorse pinned me against the seat for one long second. What had I just done to Jacob'?

But remorse couldn't hold me very long.

I slid across the seat and put the truck back in drive. My hands were shaking almost as hard as Jake's had been, and this took a minute of concentration. Then I carefully turned the truck around and drove it back to my house.

It was very dark when I turned off the headlights. Charlie had left in such a hurry that he'd forgotten to leave the porch lamp on. I felt a pang of doubt, staring at the house, deep in shadow. What if it was a trick?

I looked back at the black car, almost invisible in the night. No. I knew that car.

Still, my hands were shaking even worse than before as I reached for the key above the door. When I grabbed the doorknob to unlock it, it twisted easily under my hand. I let the door fall open. The hallway was black.

I wanted to call out a greeting, but my throat was too dry. I couldn't quite seem to catch my breath.

I took a step inside and fumbled for the light switch. It was so black–like the black water… Where was that switch?

Just like the black water, with the orange flame flickering impossibly on top of it. Flame that couldn't be a fire, but what then…? My fingers traced the wall, still searching, still shaking–

Suddenly, something Jacob had told me this afternoon echoed in my head, finally sinking in… She took off into the water, he'd said. The bloodsuckers have the advantage there. That's why I raced home –I was afraid she was going to double back swimming.

My hand froze in its searching, my whole body froze into place, as I realized why I recognized the strange orange color on the water.

Victoria's hair, blowing wild in the wind, the color of fire…

She'd been right there. Right there in the harbor with me and Jacob. If Sam hadn't been there, if it had been just the two of us…? I couldn't breathe or move.

The light flicked on, though my frozen hand had still not found the switch.

I blinked into the sudden light, and saw that someone was there, waiting for me.

17 VISITOR

UNNATURALLY STILL AND WHITE, WITH LARGE BLACK EYES intent on my face, my visitor waited perfectly motionless in the center of the halt, beautiful beyond imagining.

My knees trembled for a second, and I nearly fell. Then I hurled myself at her.

" Alice, oh, Alice! " I cried, as I slammed into her.

I'd forgotten how hard she was; it was like running headlong into a wall of cement.

" Bella? " There was a strange mingling of relief and confusion in her voice.

I locked my arms around her, gasping to inhale as much of the scent of her skin as possible. It wasn't like anything else–not floral or spice, citrus or musk. No perfume in the world could compare. My memory hadn't done it justice.

I didn't notice when the gasping turned into something else–I only realized I was sobbing when Alice dragged me to the living room couch and pulled me into her lap. It was like curling up into a cool stone, but a stone that was contoured comfortingly to the shape of my body. She rubbed my back in a gentle rhythm, waiting for me to get control of myself.

" I'm… sorry, " I blubbered. " I'm just… so happy… to see you! "

" It's okay, Bella. Everything's okay. "

" Yes, " I bawled. And, for once, it seemed that way.

Alice sighed. " I'd forgotten how exuberant you are, " she said, and her tone was disapproving.

I looked up at her through my streaming eyes. Alice's neck was tight, straining away from me, her lips pressed together firmly. Her eyes were black as pitch.

" Oh, " I puffed, as I realized the problem. She was thirsty. And I smelled appetizing. It had been a while since I'd had to think about that kind of thing. " Sorry. "

" It's my own fault. It's been too long since I hunted. I shouldn't let myself get so thirsty. But I was in a hurry today. " The look she directed at me then was a glare. " Speaking of which, would you like to explain to me how you're alive? "

That brought me up short and stopped the sobs. I realized what must have happened immediately, and why Alice was here.

I swallowed loudly. " You saw me fall. "

" No, " she disagreed, her eyes narrowing. " I saw you jump. "

I pursed my lips as I tried to think of an explanation that wouldn't sound nuts.

Alice shook her head. " I told him this would happen, but he didn't believe me. 'Bella promised, '" her voice imitated his so perfectly that I iroze in shock while the pain ripped through my torso. " 'Don't be looking for her future, either, '" she continued to quote him. '" We've done enough damage. "

" But just because I'm not looking, doesn't mean I don't see" she went on. " I wasn't keeping tabs on you, I swear, Bella. It's just that I'm alreacy attuned to you… when I saw you jumping, I didn't think, I just got on a plane. I knew I would be too late, but I couldn't do nothing. And then I get here, thinking maybe I could help Charlie somehow, and you drive up. " She shook her head, this time in confusion. Her voice was strained. " I saw you go into the water and I waited and waited for you to come up, but you didn't. What happened? And how could you do that to Charlie? Did you stop to think what this would do to him? And my brother? Do you have any idea what Edward–"

I cut her off then, as soon as she said his name. I'd let her go on, even after I realized the misunderstanding she was under, just to hear the perfect bell tone of her voice. But it was time to interrupt.

" Alice, I wasn't committing suicide. "

She eyed me dubiously. " Are you saying you didn't jump off a cliff? "

" No, but…" I grimaced. " It was for recreational purposes only. "

Her expression hardened.

" I'd seen some of Jacob's friends cliff diving, " I insisted. " It looked like… fun, and I was bored…"

She waited.

" I didn't think about how the storm would affect the currents. Actually, I didn't think about the water much at all. "

Alice didn't buy it. I could see that she still thought I had been trying to kill myself. I decided to redirect. " So if you saw me go in, why didn't you see Jacob? "

She cocked her head to the side, distracted.

I continued. " It's true that I probably would have drowned if Jacob hadn't jumped in after me. Well, okay, there's no probably about it. But he did, and he pulled me out, and I guess he towed me back to shore, though I was kind of out for that part. It couldn't have been more than a minute that I was under before he grabbed me. How come you didn't see that? "

She frowned in perplexity. " Someone pulled you out? "

" Yes. Jacob saved me. "

I watched curiously as an enigmatic range of emotions flitted across her face. Something was bothering her–her imperfect vision? But I wasn't sure. Then she deliberately leaned in and sniffed my shoulder.

I froze.

" Don't be ridiculous, " she muttered, sniffing at me some more.

" What are you doing? "

She ignored my question. " Who was with you out there just now? It sounded like you were arguing. "

" Jacob Black. He's… sort of my best friend, I guess. At least, he was…" I thought of Jacob's angry, betrayed face, and wondered what he was to me now.

Alice nodded, seeming preoccupied.

" What? "

" I don't know, " she said. " I'm not sure what it means. "

" Well, I'm not dead, at least. "

She rolled her eyes. " He was a fool to think you could survive alone. I've never seen anyone so prone to life‑ threatening idiocy. "

" I survived, " I pointed out.

She was thinking of something else. " So, if the currents were too much for you, how did this Jacob manage? "

" Jacob is… strong. "

She heard the reluctance in my voice, and her eyebrows rose.

I gnawed on my lip for a second. Was this a secret, or not? And if it was, then who was my greatest allegiance to? Jacob, or Alice?

It was too hard to keep secrets, I decided. Jacob knew everything, why not Alice, too?

" See, well, he's… sort of a werewolf, " I admitted in a rush. " The Quileutes turn into wolves when there are vampires around. They know Carlisle from a long time ago. Were you with Carlisle back then? "

Alice gawked at me for a moment, and then recovered herself, blinking rapidly. " Well, I guess that explains the smell, " she muttered. " But does it explain what I didn't see? " She frowned, her porcelain forehead creasing.

" The smell? " I repeated.

" You smell awful, " she said absently, still frowning. " A werewolf? Are you sure about that? "

" Very sure, " I promised, wincing as I remembered Paul and Jacob fighting in the road. " I guess you weren't with Carlisle the last time there were werewolves here in Forks? "

" No. I hadn't found him yet. " Alice was still lost in thought. Suddenly, her eyes widened, and she turned to stare at me with a shocked expression. " Your best friend is a werewolf? "

I nodded sheepishly.

" How long has this been going on? "

" Not long, " I said, my voice sounding defensive. " He's only been a werewolf for just a few weeks. "

She glowered at me. " A young werewolf? Even worse! Edward was right–you're a magnet for danger. Weren't you supposed to be staying out of trouble? "

" There's nothing wrong with werewolves, " I grumbled, stung by her critical tone.

" Until they lose their tempers. " She shook her head sharply from side to side. " Leave it to you, Bella. Anyone else would be better off when the vampires left town. But you have to start hanging out with the first monsters you can find. "

I didn't want to argue with Alice–I was still trembling with joy that she was really, truly here, that I could touch her marble skin and hear her wind‑ chime voice–but she had it all wrong.

" No, Alice, the vampires didn't really leave–not all of them, anyway. That's the whole trouble. If it weren't for the werewolves, Victoria would have gotten me by now. Well, if it weren't for Jake and his friends, Laurent would have gotten me before she could, I guess, so–"

" Victoria? " she hissed. " Laurent? "

I nodded, a teensy bit alarmed by the expression in her black eyes. I pointed at my chest. " Danger magnet, remember? "

She shook her head again. " Tell me everything–start at the beginning. "

I glossed over the beginning, skipping the motorcycles and the voices, but telling her everything else right up to today's misadventure. Alice didn't like my thin explanation about boredom and the cliffs, so I hurried on to the strange flame I'd seen on the water and what I thought it meant. Her eyes narrowed almost to slits at that part. It was strange to see her look so… so dangerous–like a vampire. I swallowed hard and went on with the rest about Harry.

She listened to my story without interrupting. Occasionally, she would shake her head, and the crease in her forehead deepened until it looked like it was carved permanently into the marble of her skin. She didn't speak and, finally, I fell quiet, struck again by the borrowed grief at Harry's passing. I thought of Charlie; he would be home soon. What condition would he be in?

" Our leaving didn't do you any good at all, did it? " Alice murmured.

I laughed once–it was a slightly hysterical sound. " That was never the point, though, was it? It's not like you left for my benefit. "

Alice scowled at the floor for a moment. " Well… I guess I acted impulsively today. I probably shouldn't have intruded. "

I could feel the blood draining from my face. My stomach dropped. " Don't go, Alice, " I whispered. My fingers locked around the collar of her white shirt and I began to hyperventilate. " Please don't leave me. "

Her eyes opened wider. " All right, " she said, enunciating each word with slow precision. " I'm not going anywhere tonight. Take a deep breath. "

I tried to obey, though I couldn't quite locate my lungs.

She watched my face while I concentrated on my breathing. She waited till I was calmer to comment.

" You look like hell, Bella. "

" I drowned today, " I reminded her.

" It goes deeper than that. You're a mess. "

I flinched. " Look, I'm doing my best. "

" What do you mean? "

" It hasn't been easy. I'm working on it. "

She frowned. " I told him, " she said to herself.

" Alice, " I sighed. " What did you think you were going to find? I mean, besides me dead? Did you expect to find me skipping around and whistling show tunes? You know me better than that. "

" I do. But I hoped. "

" Then I guess I don't have the corner on the idiocy market. "

The phone rang.

" That has to be Charlie, " I said, staggering to my feet. I grabbed Alice's stone hand and dragged her with me to the kitchen. I wasn't about to let her out of my sight.

" Charlie? " I answered the phone.

" No, it's me, " Jacob said.

" Jake! "

Alice scrutinized my expression.

" Just making sure you were still alive, " Jacob said sourly.

" I'm fine. I told you that it wasn't–"

" Yeah. I got it. 'Bye. "

Jacob hung up on me.

I sighed and let my head hang back, staring at the ceiling. " That's going to be a problem. "

Alice squeezed my hand. " They aren't excited I'm here. "

" Not especially. But it's none of their business anyway. "

Alice put her arm around me. " So what do we do now? " she mused. She seemed to talk to herself for a moment. " Things to do. Loose ends to tie. "

" What things to do? "

Her face was suddenly careful. " I don't know for sure… I need to see Carlisle. "

Would she leave so soon? My stomach dropped.

" Could you stay? " I begged. " Please? For just a little while. I've missed you so much. " My voice broke.

" If you think that's a good idea. " Her eyes were unhappy.

" I do. You can stay here–Charlie would love that. "

" I have a house, Bella. "

I nodded, disappointed but resigned. She hesitated, studying me.

" Well, I need to go get a suitcase of clothes, at the very least. "

I threw my arms around her. " Alice, you're the best! "

" And I think I'll need to hunt. Immediately, " she added in a strained voice.

" Oops. " I took a step back.

" Can you stay out of trouble for one hour? " she asked skeptically. Then, before I could answer, she held up one finger and closed her eyes. Her face went smooth and blank for a few seconds.

And then her eyes opened and she answered her own question. " Yes, you'll be fine. For tonight, anyway. " She grimaced. Even making faces, she looked like an angel.

" You'll come back? " I asked in a small voice.

" I promise–one hour. "

I glanced at the clock over the kitchen table. She laughed and leaned in quickly to kiss me on the cheek. Then she was gone.

I took a deep breath. Alice would be back. I suddenly felt so much better.

I had plenty to do to keep myself busy while I waited. A shower was definitely first on the agenda. I sniffed my shoulders as I undressed, but I couldn't smell anything but the brine and seaweed scent of the ocean. I wondered what Alice had meant about me smelling bad.

When I was cleaned up, I went back to the kitchen. I couldn't see any signs that Charlie 'lad eaten recently, and he would probably be hungry when he got back. I hummed tunelessly to myself as I moved around the kitchen.

While Thursday's casserole rotated in the microwave, I made up the couch with sheets and an old pillow. Alice wouldn't need it, but Charlie would need to see it. I was careful not to watch the clock. There was no reason to start myself panicking; Alice had promised.

I hurried through my dinner, not tasting it–just feeling the ache as it slid down my raw throat. Mostly I was thirsty; I must have drunk a half gallon of water by the time I was finished. All the salt in my system had dehydrated me.

I went to go try to watch TV while I waited.

Alice was already there, sitting on her improvised bed. Her eyes were a liquid butterscotch. She smiled and patted the pillow. " Thanks. "

" You're early, " I said, elated.

I sat down next to her and leaned my head on her shoulder. She put her cold arms around me and sighed.

" Bella. What are we going to do with you? "

" I don't know, " I admitted. " I really have been trying my hardest. "

" I believe you. "

It was silent.

" Does–does he…" I took a deep breath. It was harder to say his name out loud, even though I was able to think it now. " Does Edward know you're here? " I couldn't help asking. It was my pain, after all. I'd deal with it when she was gone, I promised myself, and felt sick at the thought.

" No. "

There was only one way that could be true. " He's not with Carlisle and Esme? "

" He checks in every few months. "

" Oh. " He must still be out enjoying his distractions. I focused my curiosity on a safer topic. " You said you flew here… Where did you come from? "

" I was in Denali. Visiting Tanya's family. "

" Is Jasper here? Did he come with your'"

She shook her head. " He didn't approve of my interfering. We promised…" she trailed off, and then her tone changed. " And you think Charlie won't mind my being here? " she asked, sounding worried.

" Charlie thinks you're wonderful, Alice. "

" Well, we're about to find out. "

Sure enough, a few seconds later I heard the cruiser pull into the driveway. I jumped up and hurried to open the door.

Charlie trudged slowly up the walk, his eyes on the ground and his shoulders slumped. I walked forward to meet him; he didn't even see me until I hugged him around the waist. He embraced me back fiercely.

" I'm so sorry about Harry, Dad. "

" I'm really going to miss him, " Charlie mumbled.

" How's Sue doing? "

" She seems dazed, like she hasn't grasped it yet. Sam's staying with her…" The volume of his voice faded in and out. " Those poor kids. Leah's just a year older than you, and Seth is only fourteen…" He shook his head.

He kept his arms tight around me as he started toward the door again.

" Um, Dad? " I figured I'd better warn him. " You'll never guess who's here. "

He looked at me blankly. His head swiveled around, and he spied the Mercedes across the street, the porch light reflecting off the glossy black paint. Before he could react, Alice was in the doorway.

" Hi, Charlie, " she said in a subdued voice. " I'm sorry I came at such a bad time. "

" Alice Cullen? " he peered at the slight figure in front of him as if he doubted what his eyes were telling him. " Alice, is that you? "

" It's me, " she confirmed. " I was in the neighborhood. "

" Is Carlisle…? "

" No, I'm alone. "

Both Alice and I knew he wasn't really asking about Carlisle. His arm tightened over my shoulder.

" She can stay here, can't she? " I pleaded. " I already asked her. "

" Of course, " Charlie said mechanically. " We'd love to have you, Alice. "

" Thank you, Charlie. I know it's horrid timing. "

" No, it's fine, really. I'm going to be really busy doing what I can for Harry's family; it will be nice for Bella to have some company. "

" There's dinner for you on the table, Dad, " I told him.

" Thanks, Bell. " He gave me one more squeeze before he shuffled toward the kitchen.

Alice went back to the couch, and I followed her. This time, she was the one to pull me against her shoulder.

" You look tired. "

" Yeah, " I agreed, and shrugged. " Near‑ death experiences do that to me… So, what does Carlisle think of you being here? "

" He doesn't know. He and Esme were on a hunting trip. I'll hear from him in a few days, when he gets back. "

" You won't tell him, though… when he checks in again? " I asked. She knew I didn't mean Carlisle now.

" No. He'd bite my head off, " Alice said grimly.

I laughed once, and then sighed.

I didn't want to sleep. I wanted to stay up all night talking to Alice. And it didn't make sense for me to be tired, what with crashing on Jacob's couch all day. But drowning really had taken a lot out of me, and my eyes wouldn't stay open. I rested my head on her stone shoulder, and drifted into a more peaceful oblivion than I had any hope of.

I woke early, from a deep and dreamless sleep, feeling well‑ rested, but stiff. I was on the couch tucked under the blankets I'd laid out for Alice, and I could hear her and Charlie talking in the kitchen. It sounded like Charlie was fixing her breakfast.

" How bad was it, Charlie? " Alice asked softly, and at first I thought they were talking about the Clearwaters.

Charlie sighed. " Real bad. "

" Tell me about it. I want to know exactly what happened when we left. "

There was a pause while a cupboard door was closed and a dial on the stove was clicked off. I waited, cringing.

" I've never felt so helpless, " Charlie began slowly. " I didn't know what to do. That first week–I thought I was going to have to hospitalize her. She wouldn't eat or drink, she wouldn't move. Dr. Gerandy was throwing around words like 'catatonic, ' but I didn't let him up to see her. I was afraid it would scare her. "

" She snapped out of it though? "

" I had Renee come to take her to Florida. I just didn't want to be the one… if she had to go to a hospital or something. I hoped being with her mother would help. But when we started packing her clothes, she woke up with a vengeance. I've never seen Bella throw a fit like that. She was never one for the tantrums, but, boy, did she fly into a fury. She threw her clothes everywhere and screamed that we couldn't make her leave–and then she finally started crying. I thought that would be the turning point. I didn't argue when she insisted on staying here… and she did seem to get better at first…"

Charlie trailed off. It was hard listening to this, knowing how much pain I'd caused him.

" But? " Alice prompted.

" She went back to school and work, she ate and slept and did her homework. She answered when someone asked her a direct question. But she was… empty. Her eyes were blank. There were lots of little things–she wouldn't listen to music anymore; I found a bunch of CDs broken in the trash. She didn't read; she wouldn't be in the same room when the TV was on, not that she watched it so much before. I finally figured it out–she was avoiding everything that might remind her of… him.

" We could hardly talk; I was so worried about saying something that would upset her–the littlest things would make her flinch–and she never volunteered anything. She would just answer if I asked her something.

" She was alone all the time. She didn't call her friends back, and after a while, they stopped calling.

" It was night of the living dead around here. I still hear her screaming in her sleep…"

I could almost see him shuddering. I shuddered, too, remembering. And then I sighed. I hadn't fooled him at all, not for one second.

" I'm so sorry, Charlie, " Alice said, voice glum.

" It's not your fault. " The way he said it made it perfectly clear that he was holding someone responsible. " You were always a good friend to her. "

" She seems better now, though. "

" Yeah. Ever since she started hanging out with Jacob Black, I've noticed a real improvement. She has some color in her cheeks when she comes home, some light in her eyes. She's happier. " He paused, and his voice was different when he spoke again. " He's a year or so younger than her, and I know she used to think of him as a friend, but I think maybe it's something more now, or headed that direction, anyway. " Charlie said this in a tone that was almost belligerent. It was a warning, not for Alice, but for her to pass along. " Jake's old for his years, " he continued, still sounding defensive. " He's taken care of his father physically the way Bella took care of her mother emotionally. It matured him. He's a good‑ looking kid, too–takes after his mom's side. He's good for Bella, you know, " Charlie insisted.

" Then it's good she has him, " Alice agreed.

Charlie sighed out a big gust of air, folding quickly to the lack of opposition. " Okay, so I guess that's overstating things. I don't know… even with Jacob, now and then I see something in her eyes, and I wonder if I've ever grasped how much pain she's really in It's not normal, Alice, and it… it frightens me. Not normal at all. Not like someone… left her, but like someone died. " His voice cracked.

It was like someone had died–like I had died. Because it had been more than just losing the truest of true loves, as if that were not enough to kill anyone. It was also losing a whole future, a whole family–the whole life that I'd chosen…

Charlie went on in a hopeless tone. " I don't know if she's going to get over it–I'm not sure if it's in her nature to heal from something like this. She's always been such a constant little thing. She doesn't get past things, change her mind. "

" She's one of a kind, " Alice agreed in a dry voice.

" And Alice…" Charlie hesitated. " Now, you know how fond I am of you, and I can tell that she's happy to see you, but… I'm a little worried about what your visit will do to her. "

" So am I, Charlie, so am I. I wouldn't have come if I'd had any idea. I'm sorry. "

" Don't apologize, honey. Who knows? Maybe it will be good for her. "

" I hope you're right. "

There was a long break while forks scraped plates and Charlie chewed. I wondered where Alice was hiding the food.

" Alice, I have to ask you something, " Charlie said awkwardly.

Alice was calm. " Go ahead. "

" He's not coming back to visit, too, is he? " I could hear the suppressed anger in Charlie's voice.

Alice answered in a soft, reassuring tone. " He doesn't even know I'm here. The last time I spoke with him, he was in South America. "

I stiffened as I heard this new information, and listened harder.

" That's something, at least. " Charlie snorted. " Well, I hope he's enjoying himself. "

For the first time, Alice's voice had a bit of steel in it. " I wouldn't make assumptions, Charlie. " I knew how her eyes would flash when she used that tone.

A chair scooted from the table, scraping loudly across the floor. I pictured Charlie getting up; there was no way Alice would make that kind of noise. The faucet ran, splashing against a dish.

It didn't sound like they were going to say anything more about Edward, so I decided it was time to wake up.

I turned over, bouncing against the springs to make them squeak. Then I yawned loudly.

All was quiet in the kitchen.

I stretched and groaned.

" Alice? " I asked innocently; the soreness rasping in my throat added nicely to the charade.

" I'm in the kitchen, Bella, " Alice called, no hint in her voice that she suspected my eavesdropping. But she was good at hiding things like that.

Charlie had to leave then–he was helping Sue Clearwater with the funeral arrangements. It would have been a very long day without Alice. She never spoke about leaving, and I didn't ask her. I knew it was inevitable, but I put it out of my mind.

Instead, we talked about her family–all but one.

Carlisle was working nights in Ithaca and teaching part time at Cornell. Esme was restoring a seventeenth century house, a historical monument, in the forest north of the city. Emmett and Rosalie had gone to Europe for a few months on another honeymoon, but they were back now. Jasper was at Cornell, too, studying philosophy this time. And Alice had been doing some personal research, concerning the information I'd accidentally uncovered for her last spring. She'd successfully tracked down the asylum where she'd spent the last years of her human life. The life she had no memory of.

" My name was Mary Alice Brandon, " she told me quietly. " I had a little sister named Cynthia. Her daughter–my niece–is still alive in Biloxi. "

" Did you find out why they put you in… that place? " What would drive parents to that extreme? Even if their daughter saw visions of the future…

She just shook her head, her topaz eyes thoughtful. " I couldn't find much about them. I went through all the old newspapers on microfiche. My family wasn't mentioned often; they weren't part of the social circle that made the papers. My parents' engagement was there, and Cynthia's. " The name fell uncertainly from her tongue. " My birth was announced… and my death. I found my grave. I also filched my admissions sheet from the old asylum archives. The date on the admission and the date on my tombstone are the same. "

I didn't know what to say, and, after a short pause, Alice moved on to lighter topics.

The Cullens were reassembled now, with the one exception, spending Cornell's spring break in Denali with Tanya and her family. I listened too eagerly to even the most trivial news. She never mentioned the one I was most interested in, and for that I was grateful. It was enough to listen to the stories of the family I'd once dreamed of belonging to.

Charlie didn't get back until after dark, and he looked more worn than he had the night before. He would be headed back to the reservation first thing in the morning for Harry's funeral, so he turned in early. I stayed on the couch with Alice again.

Charlie was almost a stranger when he came down the stairs before the sun was up, wearing an old suit I'd never seen him in before. The jacket hung open; I guessed it was too tight to fasten the buttons. His tie was a bit wide for the current style. He tiptoed to the door, trying not to wake us up. I let him go, pretending to sleep, as Alice did on the recliner.

As soon as he was out the door, Alice sat up. Under the quilt, she was fully dressed.

" So, what are we doing today? " she asked.

" I don't know–do you see anything interesting happening? "

She smiled and shook her head. " But it's still early. "

All the time I'd been spending in La Push meant a pile of things I'd been neglecting at home, and I decided to catch up on my chores. I wanted to do something, anything that might make life easier for Charlie–maybe it would make him feel just a little better to come home to a clean, organized house. I started with the bathroom–it showed the most signs of neglect.

While I worked, Alice leaned against the doorjamb and asked nonchalant questions about my, well, our high school friends and what they been up to since she'd left. Her face stayed casual and emotionless, but I sensed her disapproval when she realized how little I could tell her. Or maybe I just had a guilty conscience after eavesdropping on her conversation with Charlie yesterday morning.

I was literally up to my elbows in Comet, scrubbing the floor of the bathtub, when the doorbell rang.

I looked to Alice at once, and her expression was perplexed, almost worried, which was strange; Alice was never taken by surprise.

" Hold on! " I shouted in the general direction of the front door, getting up and hurrying to the sink to rinse my arms off.

" Bella, " Alice said with a trace of frustration in her voice, " I have a fairly good guess who that might be, and I think I'd better step out. "

" Guess? " I echoed. Since when did Alice have to guess anything?

" If this is a repeat of my egregious lapse in foresight yesterday, then it's most likely Jacob Black or one of his… friends. "

I stared at her, putting it together. " You can't see werewolves? "

She grimaced. " So it would seem. " She was obviously annoyed by this fact–very annoyed.

The doorbell rang again–buzzing twice quickly and impatiently.

" You don't have go anywhere, Alice. You were here first. "

She laughed her silvery little laugh–it had a dark edge. " Trust me–it wouldn't be a good idea to have me and Jacob Black in a room together. "

She kissed my cheek swiftly before she vanished through Charlie's door–and out his back window, no doubt.

The doorbell rang again.

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