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Well might he be angry at that wretched death. It was only now that I learned all the story. Nabarzanes had told me only the truth he knew. They had stabbed Darius with their javelins, killed his two slaves, maimed the horses, left him for dead; but with Alexander hot on their heels they had struck clumsily. The cart dragged on, the wounded beasts sought water. The dying King heard them drink, while he lay covered with blood and flies, his mouth cracked dry. At last came a Macedonian soldier, puzzled that the horses should be slashed instead of stolen; pausing, he heard a groan. He was a decent man; so Darius got a drink before he died.

Alexander, coming too late, threw his own cloak over the body. He had sent it to Persepolis, to be buried with kingly honors; giving it to the Queen Mother first for tending.

I had now to think of my future. Since the King had no use for me in my calling, I must seek favor in other ways, if I was not to sink to a mere camp-follower. I could guess where that would end. So I looked for opportunity.

Since the capture of his old horse Oxhead, the King was displeased with his squires. His horses were their charge; they had been leading them through the forests, when the Mardians fell on them. They had reported themselves vastly outnumbered; but Alexander, who spoke Thracian, had had a word with the grooms. They, being unarmed, had had no face to save. He was still nursing Oxhead like a favorite child, taking him out each day in case he should be pining. He had pictured him, no doubt, ending his days as a half-starved beast of burden, beaten, and full of harness sores.

These youths, though wellborn, were new to courts, and were already tiresome to Alexander, coming after their well-trained elders. He had had patience with them at first, but now had less; and from ignorance, they did not know how to bear themselves under displeasure. Some were sullen, others nervous and clumsy.

Errands would often take me to his tent. I would take notice of any small service he was about to need —his wants were simple enough—and do it without fuss. Soon he would employ me for this or that; before long, he would keep me there to be at hand. I would hear him say to the squires, impatiently, " Oh, leave it; Bagoas will see to it. "

Sometimes when I was there Persians came for audience. I would admit them with the right degree of respect for each man's rank; now and then I saw that he took a hint from me.

He was curt with the squires, as an officer to raw cadets. To me he was always civil, even when I showed ignorance. Indeed, I thought it his misfortune to have been born among barbarians. Such a man deserved to have been a Persian.

It seemed to me I might well be better where I was, than where Nabarzanes had meant for me. Who knows how long a king's fancy will endure? But a useful servant is not put away so lightly.

Yet he never called me to attend to his bath or bedtime. I didn't doubt it was because of that first night; and whenever Hephaistion came, I was gone beforehand. I had warning from Peritas, who knew his step, and would thump the floor with his tail.

My preferment so displeased the squires, that only in the King's presence was I safe from insults. I had been prepared for envy, but not for so much coarseness. I was not established enough to tell the King. Besides, he might have thought me soft.

Our next march was to the city of Zadrakarta, near the sea. It has a royal palace. I don't know when a king had last put up there. Darius had meant to make for it; it was swept and garnished, though rude and quaintly antique, its moth-holed rugs replaced with crude stuff from Scythia. A band of old eunuchs flocked about me, asking how the King liked things done. Though they had been mildewing here for forty years, it was something to hear my native speech from my own kind. They begged to know if they should stock up the harem. I said it would be better to await the King's commands. They looked at me slyly, and said no more.

He meant to rest his troops a half-month at Zadrakarta, give them games and shows, and sacrifice to his gods for victory. Meantime the men made holiday, and the streets were best left before dark.

The squires too had time on their hands, as I learned the very first day.

I was looking about the palace, doing no harm to anyone, and had come out among old courtyards, when I heard spears thudding on wood. They saw me, and ran out. " Come along, lily-boy. We'll make a soldier of you. " There were eight or ten of them, and nobody else in sight. Their target was a great battered piece of planking, with a Scythian drawn life-size in the middle. They pulled out the javelins and made me throw. I had not handled a spear since my child's toy one, and could not even hit point-first. They roared with laughter; one, from bravado, stood up before the Scythian, while another lodged a spear each side of him. " Your turn next! " someone shouted. " Over there, No-Balls, and don't wet your pretty trousers. "

I stood before the board; a spear struck on my left and on my right. I thought they had done; but they all yelled out that they had hardly started.

Just then a young cavalryman, one of the former squires, looked inand asked them what they were doing. They called out that they had no more need of nursemaids, and he went away.

This last hope gone, I gave myself up to death. I was sure they meant to kill me, and put it down to mischance. But first of all, they wanted to see the soft Persian eunuch crawling to their feet, entreating mercy. Oh, no, I thought. That's one thing they shall not have. I will die as I was born, Bagoas, son of Artembares, son of Araxis. No one shall say that I died Darius' boy.

So I held myself straight, while the best shot of them clowned about, pretending to be drunk, and threw his spear so close I could feel the whiffle. They had their backs to the courtyard gateway. Of a sudden I saw a movement there. A man had come in behind them; it was the King.

He opened his mouth; then saw one of them poised to throw, and waited, his breath drawn in, till the spear had landed safely. Then he shouted.

I had never before heard him use the uncouth tongue of Macedon. No one had yet told me it was a sign of danger. No one needed to tell me now.

Whatever he said caused them all to drop their javelins, and stand with crimsoning faces. Then he changed to Greek. " You ran fast enough from the Mardians. But I see you can all be warriors, against one boy untrained to arms. And I tell you this—as I see him now, he looks more like a man to me than any of you do. Once and for all, I expect to be served by gentlemen. You will refrain from insulting the members of my Household. Anyone disobeying this order will return his horse and join the column on foot. Second offense, twenty lashes. Have you heard me? Then get out. "

They saluted, stacked their arms, and left. The King walked towards me. I would have prostrated myself. But the closest javelin had pierced my sleeve, pinning me to the target. He strode forward, looked to be sure it had not gone through flesh, wrenched it out and flung it away. I stepped from among the shafts, and again began the prostration.

" No, get up, " he said. " You need not keep doing that, it is not our custom. A good coat spoiled. You shall have the price of a new one. " He touched the rent with his fingers. " I am ashamed of what I have seen. They are raw; we have had no time to train them; but I am ashamed they are Macedonians. Nothing like that will ever happen again, that I can promise you. " He put his arm across my shoulders, patted me lightly, and, smiling into my eyes, said, " You behaved yourself very well. "

I don't know what I had felt till then. Perhaps just awe of his splendid anger.

The living chick in the shell has known no other world. Through the wall comes a whiteness, but he does not know it is light. Yet he taps at the white wall, not knowing why. Lightning strikes his heart; the shell breaks open.

I thought, There goes my lord, whom I was born to follow. I have found a King.

And, I said to myself, looking after him as he walked away, I will have him, if I die for it.

he royal rooms were above the banquet hall, looking towards the sea. He was pleased with the sea, being used to it near in boyhood. Here I waited on him, as in his tent before; but, as before, never at nighttime.

In a half-month he would be at war again. It did not give me long.

I had thought myself skilled, at Susa, never having seen what my training lacked. I knew what to do when I was sent for. In all my life, I had never seduced anyone at all.

Not that he was indifferent. First love had not bereft me of all sense; something had been there when his eyes met mine. In his presence I felt more beautiful, a sign that one can't mistake. It was his pride I feared. I was his dependent; he thought I could not say no. How right he was! Yet if I offered myself, having been what I had been, what would he think? I might lose even what I had. He did not buy at market.

The squires were my unwilling friends. He kept me closer about him; to rebuke their spite, or so he let it seem. For my spoiled coat, he never even counted out the gold, just gave me a handful. I had something becoming made, and, you may be sure, put it on for his approval. He smiled; emboldened, I asked him to feel how fine the cloth was. For a moment, it seemed something might come of that. But no.

He was fond of reading, when he had the time. I knew when to be quiet; we all learned that at Susa. I would sit cross-legged by the wall, looking at the sky with its wheeling gulls that came for the palace offal, stealing a glance at him; one must not stare at a king. He did not read aloud to himself, like other people; one scarcely heard a murmur. But I knew when the murmur stopped.

He was aware of me. I felt it like a touch. I lifted my eyes, but he kept his on the book. I dared not come forward, or say, " My lord, here am I. "

On the third day was the victory sacrifice and procession. He lived so simply, I had never guessed he had a love of spectacle. He rode in the cavalcade, in Darius' chariot (I found he had had the floor raised up a handspan), his gold hair crowned with gold laurel, his purple cloak clasped with jewels. He loved every moment; but I was nowhere near, and at night there was a feast at which he stayed till dawn. I lost half next day, too, for he did not rise till noon.

Yet Eros, whom I had not yet learned to worship, did not forsake me. The next day he said, " Bagoas, what did you think of the dancer last night at supper? "

" Excellent, my lord, for someone trained at Zadrakarta. "

He laughed. " He claims it was Babylon. But Oxathres says he's nothing compared with you. Why have you never told me? "

I did not say I'd been racking my brains for a chance. " My lord, I have had no practice since I left Ekbatana. I would be ashamed you should see me now. "

" Why, you could have used the ball-court any day. There must be somewhere here. " He strode out, attended only by me, through the ancient maze of rooms, till we found one with space and a good floor, which he had cleared and scoured before nightfall.

I could have exercised without music, but I hired a piper, in case it should be forgotten where I was. I got out my spangled loincloth, and let my hair hang free.

After a while the piper faltered, and glanced towards the door; but I, of course, was too intent on my dance to see. I finished with my slow back-somersault off the hands. By the time I came right side up, no one was there.

Later that day, I sat again in the King's room, while he read his book. His soft voice ceased. There was a silence like a note of music. I said, " Your sandal-string is loose, my lord, " and knelt beside him.

I felt him look down; I would have looked up, in another instant. But then the dog Peritas thumped the floor with his tail.

Having undone the string, I had to do it up again; so Hephaistion was in the room before I could get away. I bowed; he greeted me cheerfully, patting the dog which had come to fawn on him. So ended the fifth day of fifteen. Next morning, the King went out fowling, in the marshlands beside the sea. I thought he'd be gone all day; but he was back well before sundown. When he came from the bath (where still he had never sent for me) he said, " Bagoas, I shan't sit late at dinner. I want you to teach me a little Persian. Will you wait up? " I bathed, and put on my best suit, and tried to eat. He was dining with a few friends, and did not need me there. I went up and waited.

When he came, he paused at the door, making me fear he had forgotten to expect me. Then he smiled and came in. " Good; you are here. " (Where else? As a rule he never said such things. ) " Bring up that chair to the table, while I find the book. "

These words dismayed me. " My lord King, could we do without a book? " He raised an eyebrow at me.

" I am very sorry, my lord, but I cannot read. Not even Persian. "

" Oh, that's no matter. I never thought you could. The book's for me. " He fetched it, and said, " Come, sit here. " There was about a yard between us. The chairs quite put me out. There one is, trapped, and can get no nearer. I looked with regret at the divan.

" We'll work like this, " he said, setting out tablet and stylos. " I shall read out a Greek word and write it down; you will tell me the Persian, and I shall write the sound as it seems to me. It's what Xenophon did, the man who wrote this book. "

It was an old book, much used, the split edges patched with glue. He opened it tenderly. " I chose this for your sake; it's the life of Kyros. Is it true you come from his tribe? "

" Yes, my lord. My father was Artembares, son of Araxis. He was killed when King Arses died. "

" I heard so, " he said, and looked at me with pity. Only Oxathres, I thought, could have told him that. He must have asked about me.

The big old lamp-cluster, a ring of lamplets, hung over the table, its many flames making double and treble shadows under his hands, the light touching his cheekbones but not his eyes. He was a little flushed, though I could tell he had drunk no more at dinner than they always did. I looked down at the book with its unknown markings, to let him look at me.

What can I do? I thought. Why ever did he get us into these stupid chairs, which is not at all what he wants, and how can I get us out of them? Things told me by Nabarzanes were coming back. I thought, Has he ever seduced anyone, either?

He said, " Since I was a boy, Kyros has seemed to me the pattern for all kings, as Achilles—whom you won't know—is for all heroes. I have passed through your country, you know, and seen his tomb. When you were a child there, did you hear any tales of him? "

His arm rested quite near me. I wanted to grasp it, and say, " Won't Kyros keep? " He is in two minds, I thought, or we would not be sitting like this. If I lose him now, perhaps it will be forever.

" My father told me, " I said, " that once upon a time there was a cruel king, called Astyages; and the Magi predicted that the son of his daughter would take his throne. So he gave the baby to a lord called Harpagos, to do away with. But the babe was beautiful and he could not kill it; so he gave it to a herdsman, to leave it on the mountain and be sure it died. The man went home first, and his wife's own baby was dead, and she was crying, 'We are growing old, and who will feed us? ' So the herdsman said, 'Here is a son. But you must keep it secret forever. ' He gave her the child, and put the dead one on the mountain in the royal clothes; and when jackals had gnawed it so that no one could know it again, he brought it to Harpagos. And Kyros grew up the herdsman's son; but he was brave as a lion and beautiful as morning, and the other boys made him their King. When he was about twelve, King Astyages came to hear of him, and sent to see him. By then he had the family looks; and Astyages made the herdsman tell. The King meant to kill the boy; but the Magi said that his being King in play had discharged the prophecy; so he was sent back to his parents. It was on Harpagos that the King took vengeance. " I dropped my voice to a whisper, just as my father had done. " He took and killed his son, and roasted his flesh, and gave it Harpagos to eat at dinner. When he had eaten, he showed him the boy's head. It was in a basket. "

I had nothing near finished; but something made me stop. His eyes were on me. I almost swallowed my heart.

I said, I will love you forever, though what my tongue said was, " Is that in your book, my lord? "

" No. But it's in Herodotos. " He pushed back his chair, and walked towards the window that faced the sea.

Thankfully I got up too. Would he make me sit down again? The clerks who wrote out his letters had to sit while he walked about. But he said nothing. He turned and came back to where I stood under the lamp, with my back against my chair.

Presently he said, " You must tell me when I say the Persian wrongly. Don't be afraid to correct me, or I shall never learn. " I took a step towards him. My hair had fallen forward over my shoulder. He put up his hand and touched it.

I said softly, " My lord knows well that he only has to ask. "

Eros had gathered his net in the strong grip of a god, and pulled in his catch, no longer to be defied. The hand that had touched my hair slid under it; he said, " You are here under my protection. " At this, without respect for the sacred person of a king, I put both arms round his neck.

That was the end of his pretenses. Now here I stood, in the sole embrace which, out of so many, I had ever worked to get.

I did not speak. I had gone far enough above my place already. All I wished to tell him was, I have only one thing in the world to give you, but that is going to be the best you ever had. Just take it, that is all.

He still seemed hesitant; not from reluctance that was sure; but from something; a kind of awkwardness. The thought broke in on me, Where has he lived, and he a soldier? He knows no more than a boy.

I thought of his famous continence, which I had supposed to mean only that he did not rape his captives. I thought of it when he went to the outer door, to tell the guard he was going to bed and needed no attendance (I expect they had had a bet on whether I would come out). As we went through the Bedchamber, I thought, Everyone else has always known what he wanted. Shall I have to find it out for him? I do not know his customs, I may offend against what is permitted. He must love me, or I shall die.

Peritas, who had heaved himself up from his corner and strolled in after us, curled up at the bed's foot where I had been taught to lay my clothes, lest the sight of them offend the King. But the King said, " How does all this come off? " and in the end they were all in a heap with his own upon the clothes-stool.

The bed was ancient but grand, of painted and gilded cedarwood. And now it was time to serve him the royal Persian banquet he must be expecting from Darius' boy. I had it ready, with all the seasonings. But though in my calling I felt as old as time, my heart, which no one had trained, was young, and suddenly it mastered me. Instead of offering spices, I simply clutched him, like the soldier with the arrow wound; uttering such follies as I blush even now to think of, and, when I remembered I was speaking Persian, repeating them in Greek. I said I had thought he would never love me. I did not beg him to take me with him wherever he was going; I did not think so far. I was like a traveler in the desert, who comes to water.

The last thing he could ever have looked for was to be eaten alive like this. I doubt he understood a word of it, smothered upon his shoulder. " What is the trouble? " he asked. " What is it, then, tell me, don't be afraid. " I lifted my face and said, " Oh, I am sorry, my lord. It is nothing. It is love. " He said, " Is that all? " and laid his hand on my head.

How foolish my plans had been! I should have learned better from seeing him at table, giving away the best though he was left with none. He distrusted taking pleasures for himself, from pride, and jealousy of his freedom; and I, who had seen what I had seen, was not one to blame him. Yet he did have something from those empty dishes. He was in love with giving, almost to folly.

" Only love? " he said. " Don't fret, then; we have enough to go round, between us. "

I should have seen at table too that he never snatched. Except for Oromedon, which did not count, he was the youngest man I had ever been to bed with; yet his embrace had changed to comfort, as soon as he'd thought I was in trouble; he would have heard out the whole tale, if there had been one. Indeed, one learned soon enough, and some learned to his cost, that he would do anything in return for love.

He really wanted love from me. I could not credit such fortune; nobody ever had before. In the past, I had taken pride in giving pleasure, since it was my skill; never had I known what it was to take delight in it. He was not quite so ignorant as I had supposed; it was just that what he knew had been very simple. He was a quick learner, though. All I taught him that night, he thought that by some happy harmony of our souls, we were discovering together. So, indeed, if seemed at last even to me.

Afterwards, he lay a long time stretched out as if he were dead. I knew he was not asleep, and began to wonder if I was meant to go. But he drew me back, though he did not speak. I lay quiet. My body echoed like a harp-string after the note. The pleasure had been as piercing as the pain used to be before.

At last he turned, and speaking gently, as if he had been a long time alone, said, " So they did not take that from you. " I murmured something, I don't know what. " And after, " he said, " does it bring you grief? "

I whispered, " No, my lord. It never happened to me till now. "

" Truly? " He took my face in his hand to look at by the nightlamp, then kissed me, saying, " May the omen be happy. "

" And my lord? " I said, gathering courage. " Does my lord feel grief? "

" Always for a time. Take no account of it. All good things must be paid for, either before or after. "

" You will see, my lord, I shall learn how to keep grief from you. "

He half laughed under his breath. " Your wine is too strong, my dear, to drink it often. "

I was amazed; all other men I'd known had pretended to more than they had. I said, " My lord is as strong as a young lion. This is not the body's weariness. "

He raised his brows, and I feared he was displeased; but he only said, " Well, learned physician, then tell me what it is. "

" It is like the bow, my lord; it is the strongest that wearies, if it is not unstrung. The bow must rest. So too the warrior's spirit. "

" Ah, so they say. " He ran a strand of my hair slowly between his fingers. " How soft it is. I never felt hair so fine. Do you worship fire? "

" We did, my lord, at home. "

" You are right, " he said, " for it is divine. "

He paused, seeking words; but there was no need. I had understood him. I laid down my head in submission, saying, " For me let my lord never turn aside out of his way; let me be like a cup of water drunk down in haste at noon, and I am content. "

He reached out to my closed eyes, and touched my lashes. " Ah, no. Is this how I repay you? No more, or we shall both be weeping. Who is talking about noon? The moon is only rising. There is no need of haste tonight. "

Later, when the moon stood high, and he lay sleeping, I leaned to look at him. Exaltation of spirit had kept me wakeful. His face was smoothed and beautiful; he was satisfied, and in sleep he was at peace with it. Though the wine is strong, I thought, you will come back for more.

What had Nabarzanes said? " Something he has wanted a long time, without being aware of it. " That subtle serpent; how had he known?

His arm, darkened by sun, lay bare, and his shoulder, milk-white, but for the deep pitted wound from the catapult bolt at Gaza. The stain was fading; it was the color of watered wine. Softly I touched my lips to it. He slept soundly, and did not stir.

My art would not have been worth much, if I could not lead him, once I had understood. A light cloud crossed the moon. I remembered that first night in his tent; and how Hephaistion came and went just as he chose, pleasant with me as with the dog. Was, he too secure to spare a thought for me? Too secure even to care? " You can't guess what I did last night. " " Of course I can. You slept with Darius' boy. I knew you would before long. And was he good? "

He was seemly in sleep, his mouth closed, his breathing silent, his body fresh and sweet. The room smelled of sex and cedarwood, with a tang of salt from the sea. Autumn drew on, the night wind blew from the north. I drew the blanket over him: without waking, he moved to me in the great bed, seeking warmth.

As I slid into his arm, I thought, We shall see who wins, tall Macedonian. All these years you have made a boy of him. But with me, he shall be a man.

T once the news was everywhere. Alexander took this with calm. He could be secret at need; he was never furtive. He did not conceal that my presence pleased him, but offered no foolishness to mockers. I was proud of his behavior, coming so new to it, whereas I had been trained in the right deportment. It was I, now, who attended him at the bath; he used to send out the rest.

Once or twice, while I stood by his chair at table, I saw Hephaistion's eye on me; but he gave no other sign, coming and going as freely as before. I had no means of knowing what he said when I left the room. The walls are four feet thick, at Zadrakarta.

To me Alexander never spoke of him. I did not deceive myself with this. He was not forgotten; he was unassailable.

I thought of the King's old war-horse, for whose sake he would have sacked a province, though it would never carry him in the charge again. It is like that, I thought; he never turns love away, it is not in him. I thought Hephaistion had not done so badly. If the beautiful boy you caught in a haystack gets to be a general of cavalry at eighteen, and is still your boy, you have not much to complain of. And if he goes on to be Pharaoh and Great King, with the treasures of Babylon, Susa and Persepolis poured at his feet, and the world's fiercest troops adoring him, is it wonderful if he finds he is a boy no longer, and wants a boy of his own? How long, I wondered, since they'd done more than just think of themselves as lovers? Since last he rode the black horse to war? And yet...

But with the night my troubles left me. He knew what he wanted now, but I knew better. Sometimes in the dance one is lifted beyond oneself, and cannot fail; it was like that.

Once when through the deep window the moonlight glinted on gold, I was put in mind of my old room at Susa, and uttered the invocation of my dreams. " Am I beautiful? It is for you alone. Say that you love me, for without you I cannot live. " Rightly I had believed it magical.

I doubt he'd ever in his life lain down with anyone for whom he had not felt some kind of fondness. He needed love as a palm tree needs water, all his life long: from armies, from cities, from conquered enemies, nothing was enough. It laid him open to false friends, as anyone will tell you. Well, for all that, no man is made a god when he is dead and can do no harm, without love. He needed love and never forgave its betrayal, which he had no understanding of. For he himself, if it was given him with a whole heart, never misused it, nor despised the giver. He took it gratefully, and felt bound by it. I should know.

It pleased him to think he'd given me what Darius could not; so I never told him Darius hadn't thought of such a thing. He always liked to surpass his rivals.

But still, when desire was spent, he fell back into heaviness of soul, so that I feared to break his solitude. Yet I wished to repay his gift of healing. I would draw a finger-tip from his eyebrow to his throat, and he would smile to show me he was not sullen nor ungrateful. One night, remembering the book he had shown me, and that he had set store by it, I said softly in his ear, " Did you know, my lord, that Kyros the Great once loved a Median boy? "

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