Jackie Kay. STEWART LEE

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Jackie Kay

Mask

SAGE, SARS, PPE

NHS, BAME

Abbreviations we understand;

But not lives shortened

By too few goggles, gloves, gowns,

Johnson doing a ring around,

Carers compelled to wear bin bags.

Doctors decked out in out-of-date masks. Time lags.

But Death has no abbreviation. No hiding place.

Wash your hands! Don’t touch your face!

Don’t listen. Close your ears. Don’t test, test, test.

We will come to know your names –

Our carers, nurses, doctors, our NHS.

And we will mask our heads in shame.

STEWART LEE

A bout fifteen years ago, when my then-fiancée had just moved in with me, I had really bad diarrhoea. I’d had diarrhoea all the time really for about twenty years but I hadn’t told her about that as it was exactly the sort of thing she wouldn’t like, and I was getting to the age where I should probably get married.

I lived in a small, one-bedroom flat above an estate agent’s in north London and I went to the toilet as usual with the diarrhoea and it stank the whole flat out. In fact, it stank everything up so bad on this occasion that the woman who ran the estate agent’s downstairs actually rang the doorbell and asked my fiancée if there was some problem with the pipes.

My fiancée told her there was no problem with the pipes but that I had done a really bad diarrhoea that had stunk everything up and that she was getting fed up of it. The estate agent and my fiancée both agreed that I should go to the doctor soon, as it was awful and I had admitted it had been going on for ages. I had never been especially ill in my thirty-seven years of life ever, apart from the diarrhoea, which didn’t really bother me, so I was not registered with any doctor’s surgery.

And also, when I was born it was in a secret place and I was sent to a charity home with a different name that was then forgotten, so there may have been no record of me existing to the NHS. My fiancée got me seen as a guest patient at her nearby GP.

I walked slowly along the road, past the pubs and ice-cream parlours and Indian restaurants where I had spent most of my twenties and thirties, and into the doctor’s by the park. The nice receptionist took one look at me and said, in a friendly way, ‘Are you the diarrhoea? You probably don’t need to see a doctor. Just read this leaflet.’

I sat in the waiting room, which was bright and had a kind of sculpture of some human intestines on the wall and a place where children could play in a pretend kitchen made of wood. There were also some old Mojo magazines and local newspapers to read. It was nicer than my home. I looked at the leaflet. It said I should avoid fizzy lager and white wine, dairy products and spicy foods.

I asked the lady how much the leaflet cost and she said it was free from the NHS. I could not believe it. So I said thanks and goodbye and I went away and did all that the leaflet suggested and I have been fine ever since, although I have put on a lot of weight by not having constant diarrhoea. The NHS is amazing though, really, as I have not had diarrhoea since it gave me that leaflet.

I know the NHS is being incredible at the moment in the virus, and I wanted to help with this book, but I haven’t got any personal experiences, apart from the diarrhoea leaflet one, and I don’t really have any friends or family to speak of, so I can’t use their stories.

I saw a programme on TV where a man’s leg came off and they found it on the road later and made it go back on, but that isn’t a personal story. It might have been his arm actually. Anyway, it was good.

I am sorry I have not been able to be more help as the NHS people really are doing an amazing job. I understand Dawn French is submitting something. I met her in Cornwall last year, but while she was talking to me I tripped over this sort of free-standing advertising banner and it fell down so it was all a bit awkward and then she went away. Anyway, I am sure Dawn’s contribution will more than make up for this one being not that great.

If there is a fee for this I am happy for half of it to go to charity. If not, please send to my agent to deal with and thanks for asking me.

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