Peter Kay

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Peter Kay

Car Share

John and Kayleigh are driving home from work

Gina G – (Ooh Aah) Just A Little Bit is playing on Forever FM

John: (Laughing)

Kayleigh: What are you laughing at?

John: I’ll tell you an embarrassing story about this song.

Kayleigh: What?

John: I got a call once from one of my dad’s consultants at the hospital and for some reason I happened to be playing this song on my phone.

Kayleigh: Are you a fan? I love this song.

John: Of Gina G? Give me some credit. I think I was setting up Spotify on my phone or something and this song randomly came on, then the phone rang and I couldn’t turn it off. So there I was having this really serious chat about my dad’s palliative care plan with ‘Ooh Aah Just a Little Bit’ playing underneath. The consultant said, ‘Who’s that singing?’ and I just had to pretend I couldn’t hear anything.

Kayleigh: How embarrassing.

John: I tell you another one worse than that. I went for a brain scan once and I was …

Kayleigh: Oh my god, why?

John: It was years ago, I kept getting these really bad headaches. My GP said it was my sinuses, but being a proper hypochondriac I thought bollocks, what does he know? So I booked in for a brain scan.

Kayleigh: Where, at the hospital?

John: No, B&Q car park.

Kayleigh: There’s no need to be sarcastic, John.

John: I’m not being sarcastic! That’s where it was. They have these big NHS trucks that pull up and they do scans in the back of them.

Kayleigh: I’ve never seen those.

John: They’re there all the time, parked up behind the Shell garage. They do all sorts. One of our Paul’s mates had a vasectomy and he’d only nipped to B&Q for a bag of nails.

Kayleigh: Ouch.

John: Anyway, I went in and met this nurse, and she asked me if I wanted to listen to any music while I was having the scan and she showed me a load of CDs …

Kayleigh: What did they have?

John: Frank Sinatra, Elvis, Best of Steps …

Kayleigh: I’d have gone for that.

John: Of course you would. I went for the best of Simon & Garfunkel.

Kayleigh: Urgh.

John: I love them and they would have been the perfect choice if the first song hadn’t been ‘The Sound of Silence’, with the opening line, ‘Hello darkness my old friend, I’ve come to talk to you again.’

Kayleigh: Nooo!

John: Yeah exactly … and there’s me laying in this MRI machine having a brain scan. It got worse, in the third verse the lyrics are ‘silence like a cancer grows’. I was in tears. I was ashen when I came out. I told the nurse. I said I thought it was going to be happy, Mrs Robinson and all that. She said a lot of people pick Frank Sinatra because they think it’s going to be all ‘Fly Me to the Moon’ and ‘New York, New York’, but the first song is ‘My Way’ with the opening line, ‘And now, the end is near and so I face the final curtain.’ You’d be gutted.

Kayleigh: And so did they find anything?

John: What, like a brain?

Kayleigh: No, I mean was anything wrong?

John: No, nothing. The GP was right, it was my sinuses after all. A course of antibiotics and I was sorted in a week. That’ll teach me.

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