Chapter 19

Chapter 19

How could—?

Momma!

Jerking upright with a scream lodged in my throat, I reached out blindly, my hand smacking on the nightstand until my fingers closed around the handle of the wolven dagger.

“Poppy,” came Casteel’s sleep-roughened voice from beside me, startling me. When had he come back? It had to have been after I’d fallen asleep. “Is it a nightmare?”

Swallowing hard, I nodded as I closed my eyes. Immediately, I saw my mother’s horrified face and the pain in her gaze. There was so much blood—running down the front of her gown, pouring from the wounds in her chest. Not bites. Not—

Chest squeezing too tight, air wheezed from my lungs. My eyes flew open, but I could swear I heard the screams. Not shrieks. But screams, and the scent…the scent of burning wood.

The bed shifted as Casteel sat up. Gently, he pried my fingers from the dagger. “I’m just putting this down. It’s still within reach in case you want to stab me.”

I watched him lean over me, placing it on my other side. “I don’t want to stab you,” I croaked out.

“That would be a first,” he teased, and I hiccupped a shaky laugh. “Try to remember you said that later when I’m sure I’ll give you a reason to stab me.”

I shook my head, lifting shaking hands to my face. “I’m sorry.” I dragged my hair back. “I didn’t mean to wake you. I know we have to leave early.”

Delano had returned after the awkward dinner in the banquet hall, where people either stared or whispered until Casteel’s cool gaze silenced them. The roads were clear enough that Casteel felt it was safe to leave New Haven.

“What did I tell you before?” Casteel asked. “Don’t apologize. It’s not your fault. Don’t worry about it.”

That was easier said than done.

“Do you think you can go back to sleep?”

“Yeah.” I lay back down, curled on my side. The flames in the fireplace rippled softly, and the longer I stared at them, the more images from the nightmare started to piece themselves together. The mist…it had been as thick as smoke. It had almost smelled like burnt wood and something pungent. Wasn’t that what Ian and I had thought it was at first? Was that why I’d left to find my father? I tried to picture his face, to see his eyes, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t. All I could see was red. So much red—on the walls and pooled on the floor, bodies shredded open. But no Craven. There had been no Craven feeding on those bodies. Why? Why was there so much blood—?

A surge of restless energy poured back through me, drumming up the residual fear and panic. I couldn’t lay here. I couldn’t close my eyes.

Sitting up, I started to move from the bed, but Casteel hooked his arm around my waist. “I can’t lay here. I can’t sleep. I just need—”

“To forget.” In the fire’s glow, he touched my cheek, bringing my gaze to his. “I know. I get it. I do.”

Sucking in too-shallow breaths, I knew he of all people did understand. I folded my hands over my face. “I don’t want to think about that night.” Tears burned my throat, and I hated them—hated this glaring weakness. “I want to forget.”

“But you need to feel to do that. You need to replace that fear with something else. That’s why you used to explore the city at night,” he said, pulling my hands away from my face. “But there’s no city for you to run off to. All you have is me.”

All you have is me.

My heart twisted itself up into a knot.

“Let me help you replace the fear and helplessness. I can erase it. I promise,” he whispered, guiding me back until I was lying down once more. “Let me be enough, at least for tonight.”

“I…” I ran out of words as he shifted so he blocked out the fire’s glow, leaving me in the darkness of the room.

“There’s just us. No one else.” His lips brushed my cheek, causing me to gasp. “Like earlier, in the pantry, we can pretend.”

I closed my eyes.

“Right now, in the dark, I’m just Hawke.” His arm eased from my waist as his hand drifted over my hip and down my thigh, to where the gown tangled around my legs. “You’re just Poppy, and I can help you.”

Maybe it was the nightmare. It could’ve been the darkness and the sudden, throbbing ache that sprang to life. Or perhaps it was because in the darkness we could be Hawke and Poppy, with no past and no future. And pretending…pretending made none of this real. Maybe all of those things were the reason I turned my head to his. Our lips brushed.

“Pretend,” I whispered, and I…I kissed him.

Casteel let me explore his mouth, holding himself still, all except for his hand. He slowly drew his palm up my hip, my stomach, and moved it between my breasts, dragging the hem of the gown up until it gathered below my neck. Cool air followed, teasing my exposed skin.

I kissed him, trembling when I felt his palm on my breast. The tip hardened to an almost painful point. His thumb moved lazily over the peak and then to the other as he said, “I wish you could see what I’m about to do.”

I wet my lips as he pulled away, his thumb dragging over the rosy, puckered skin. Then he did something with his thumb and forefinger, causing my entire body to jolt, and a rush of wet warmth to pool between my thighs.

“Gods,” I gasped.

“Mmm.” His mouth coasted along the skin of my neck again. “You like that?”

There was no point in answering that. He knew it, and he did it again. My hips moved on reflex, spurred on by the rapidly building ache between my thighs. He hadn’t—we hadn’t—touched like this since the woods after I’d stabbed him, but my body hadn’t forgotten. I was blossoming with heat.

His mouth closed over my breast, and the combination of his tongue and the sharp rasp of his fangs caused me to kick my head back. A breathy moan left me as my eyes peeled open wide. He tugged at the skin with his mouth as his hand drifted down my stomach and lower, over the very center of me. It was the lightest, softest touch, teasing and taunting.

“You’re very wet, Poppy,” he murmured against the aching peak of my breast. “I like that. A lot.”

Incapable of embarrassment or being shocked by the rawness of his words, I could only whimper as his finger moved in slow, lazy strokes.

“I also like how quickly you respond to my touch.” He nipped at the skin of my other breast as he swirled his thumb around the sensitive flesh. “Want me to do something about it?”

I panted for breath. “Yes.”

Casteel answered by pressing down on the bundle of nerves. Crying out, I arched against his hand, and I felt like I was drenched, drowning already. Just as his mouth closed over my breast once more, he slipped a finger inside me. A strangled sort of sound left me, and there was no room for thoughts of a night from long ago or worries for the morning that was quickly approaching. My heart thundered in my chest.

He dragged that finger in and out as he lifted his head, and even though I couldn’t see, I knew he could. I knew he watched his hand between my spread thighs. I knew he was fixated on what he was doing, on the way I lifted my hips to meet his thrusts. He watched as he eased another finger into the tight wetness. My eyes drifted shut again, and I knew this was what he’d wanted to do earlier, in the pantry. I gave in to this, into the wet heat and the darkness and the wickedness of his touch. Casteel groaned as I ground my hips against his hand.

“That’s it.” His voice was rough. “Ride my fingers.”

I did just that, rocking against his hands as the stirrings of release ratcheted up. Then tension, still painfully unfamiliar, spun and spun until it felt like too much. “Oh, gods, I can’t…” I pressed my hips against the bed.

“You can.” He kept going, thrusting his fingers inside me. “You will.”

It was too much, too intense, and there was no escaping it. He hooked his fingers deep inside me, and lava flowed through my blood. And just when I thought I would surely erupt into flames…

“That’s it.” His voice was gruff and thick.

Biting down on my lip as the tension curled and twisted deeper, tighter, I buried my face against the crook of his arm. His lips brushed my cheek as he pressed his thumb to the tight bundle of nerves. My hips lifted from the bed as all the tension shattered. It was like lightning in my veins. The sweetest kind of agony, scattering my thoughts as the release rippled and eased as he withdrew his fingers. Sated and stunned, I went utterly boneless, exhausted and limp as Casteel gathered me close. The blanket settled over me—over us—as he pulled me against his chest. Under my cheek, his heart thudded steadily.

The heart I’d pierced not all that long ago.

Casteel held me tightly, closely, his hand continuously sliding up and down the length of my spine. I didn’t know if he even realized what kind of comfort his closeness or his touch brought. Maybe he did, and that was why he remained in the room even knowing that I could wake him at any point in the night. There were other rooms, other far quieter and definitely less complicated beds, but he was here. He held me, soothing my ragged nerves after chasing away the lingering horror of a night I wanted nothing more than to forget. He helped me forget while offering pleasure and bliss to replace the fear and hopelessness, and he did this while taking nothing in return.

I fell back asleep, into the darkness where I was just Poppy, and he was simply Hawke.

We were leaving.

For Atlantia.

Those dark, private moments in the middle of the night seemed like an eternity ago instead of mere hours as I took a too-shallow breath. I studied those with us. Naill and Delano were with Elijah, and I had no idea if they were in on the plan Casteel had concocted, so I remained quiet. I’d spent the better part of the morning stressing over how I was supposed to act. The concern that had faded in the aftermath of the arrival of the Ascended and everything else had now returned with a vengeance.

“Would you like anything else before we leave?” Casteel asked, and then I felt a slight tug on my braid. “Poppy?”

Realizing that he was speaking to me, I shook my head. “No. I’m fine. Thank you.”

Both Kieran and Casteel stared at me, and the silence stretched on so long that I had to look to see if they were still there. Looking over my shoulder, I found both of them staring down at me, their expressions near mirrors of perplexity.

“What?” I demanded.

“Nothing.” Casteel blinked. “You’re ready, then?”

I nodded.

Watching me as if I were a coiled snake about to strike, he extended his hand. I started to rise without accepting his palm but caught myself. A quick glance told me that the others waited near the door. Figuring that refusing such a simple gesture wouldn’t be a good start at convincing others that we were together, I placed my hand in his.

The contact of his skin against mine sent another charged jolt through me. My eyes flew to his, but there was no knowledge to be gained from his heavily hooded gaze this time as he helped me stand.

“Is everything ready?” Kieran asked.

“It is,” he replied. “Elijah thinks we’ll make it to Spessa’s End by the end of the week if we don’t make a lot of stops.”

“It’s doable,” Kieran agreed. “And advisable.”

“The people here have only a few days before the Ascended send others looking for her,” Casteel said as he reached between us, plucking up the edge of my braid. “They’ll send scouts and probably more knights.” Dropping my plait over my shoulder, he then reached for my satchel.

Kieran nodded. “Magda returned earlier this morning. She said she thinks most will be ready to travel in a day or so.”

“Good.” Casteel glanced down at me. Unsure what to do, I decided on silence as the best course of action. After all, it used to be second-nature, even though I’d struggled to remain quiet when I first donned the veil. Kieran thought I asked a lot of questions now, there would be a wolven-shaped hole in the wall in his desperation to get away from me if he’d known me when I was younger.

Sending me a curious look, Casteel started toward the others. Naill and Delano nodded in my direction, saying nothing. It was Elijah who spoke. “I haven’t gotten a chance to thank you for what you did yesterday—helping those who accepted it.”

Shifting uncomfortably, I cleared my throat. “I just hope I helped.”

“You did. Pain is the biggest obstacle healing faces, and you stepping in when you did is a big reason why we won’t be sitting around here for longer than we should.” A big smile parted his beard. “I also haven’t gotten the chance to congratulate either of you on the upcoming nuptials. To be honest, every day I half-expected to find the Prince sliced up in all the ways a man fears.”

I blinked slowly.

Casteel chuckled deeply. “You’re not the only one. I expected to be picking up pieces of myself.” He glanced down at me, his lips slightly parted. “But I was once told that the best relationships are the ones where passions run high.”

My brows started to pucker.

“I wonder who told you that,” Kieran said.

“It was me.” Elijah laughed as he clapped his hand on Kieran’s shoulder, causing the wolven to stumble. Skin crinkled around golden-brown hazel eyes, and even though I wished the topic was about anything other than this, I was happy to see him smile and laugh after what’d happened here. But it made me wonder if it was because he’d become so accustomed to the death that the effects weren’t long-lasting. “Told him that if a woman fights with that kind of passion and makes you work that hard to earn even a smile, then that’s the kind of woman you want by your side in and out of the bedchamber.”

My mouth opened, but I truly had nothing to say.

“I’ve always thought you had a wolven somewhere in your bloodline,” Kieran commented.

Elijah scoffed. “Told you before, there’s just piss and whiskey in my line.”

“Maybe that’s the real bloodline you descend from,” Casteel murmured as he led me past them.

I raised my brows but said nothing as we entered the empty hall and then exited out into the yard. The snow had stopped, but my breath formed misty clouds. I was so going to regret leaving my cloak behind, even soaked with the stench of Craven blood.

As we made our way to the stables, unease formed upon the sight of leaves that glistened like rubies in the sunlight. No one was out there staring at it this morning, but I could swear the blood tree had grown even wider than it had been the day before. Crimson hued sap still seeped across the snow in a network of thin lines of red, reminding me of veins or roots.

Three horses were led out already, their ears perked as a stable hand held their reins, nervously glancing toward the blood tree. Casteel walked us past them, where Setti waited inside the stables. The massive black horse had been named after the God of War’s warhorse. I used to think that the beautiful horse had big hooves to fill, but now, knowing the truth, I imagined Setti filled them just fine.

As we approached the horse, Casteel let go of my hand. My palm missed the warmth, which was something I’d never share. I walked up to Setti as Casteel walked around to secure my satchel to where his own bag hung. My gaze crawled across the barn, stopping on a pole with a deep groove. Knowing what had caused that mark, I resisted the desire to look away from where Phillips had been killed with a bolt fired by Casteel. But I made myself look, to remember. Phillips had somehow figured out the truth, or at the very least, that Casteel was not who he claimed. He’d tried to help me escape, but I hadn’t listened. I had no idea if Phillips had known the truth about the Ascended. He could have, but that didn’t matter. He was dead, regardless.

Exhaling slowly, I saw the very same bow attached to Setti’s side. It was curved like the ones I’d used, but this one had a handle and an arrow already nocked in place. The weapon was unlike any I’d ever seen. It had to be Atlantian.

I extended my hand to the horse, allowing him to sniff me. “Remember me?”

Setti sniffed as Casteel finished with the straps. The horse nudged my fingers, and I grinned as I gently patted the bridge of his nose.

“I think he missed you.” Casteel joined me. “And I think he’s been spoiled by all the attention you’ve showered upon him.”

I didn’t think it was possible to spoil any animal too much. I scratched him behind his ear.

Casteel was closer, and out of the corner of my eye, I saw him stroke a hand down Setti’s mane. Looking to the back of the barn, he lowered his hand. “I’ll be right back.”

Nibbling on my lower lip, I peeked over my shoulder. Casteel strode across the barn to where an older woman had appeared. She held something dark in her hands. Setti nudged my fingers again, demanding my attention.

“All right. All right.” I resumed petting him. “Sorry.”

Stroking the long, graceful neck, I saw that Delano and Naill were already mounted. Kieran walked toward his horse, but it didn’t appear as if Elijah was coming with us.

A moment later, Casteel returned. “Here,” he said. “You’re going to need this until we reach Spessa’s End.”

This turned out to be a cloak, a black one lined with soft fur. I turned to take it, but Casteel moved behind me, draping it over my shoulders.

“I had one of the seamstresses make it since salvaging the old one was out of the question,” he continued as he reached around me.

I didn’t dare breathe too deeply as his fingers worked the buttons under my throat. I tried not to focus on how close he was or how—I swallowed a gasp as the backs of his fingers brushed my breasts, reminding me of last night. I really didn’t need to think about that.

His arms grazed my chest. How many buttons were there? I looked down and almost groaned. The line of shiny black discs ended just below the chest.

“Just so you know, I burned it along with the Craven,” he went on, and my pulse thrummed as his chin grazed my cheek. “We lucked out that one of the seamstresses already had this mostly finished. There. Now, you’ll be less likely to spend the entire trip begging for my body heat. Though, I’d be more than happy to appease such a request.”

I was sure he would be. “Thank you,” I murmured.

His hands slipped away from the buttons to my shoulders and then down my arms, leaving shivers in their wake. Shivers that spread down my front. Looking up, I saw Elijah heading our way, and I almost waved at him in relief.

“One moment,” Casteel called out, and Elijah stopped. A moment later, he turned me in his arms so that I was facing him. “Are you all right?”

Lifting my gaze to his, I briefly wondered how he could have such incredibly thick lashes. “Yes.”

His gaze searched mine. “You’re being very quiet.”

I was, but how did I explain that it was because I had no idea how I was supposed to behave? I was sure that he’d probably find that silly, my lack of knowledge so great that I had no idea how to even pretend.

“Is it what you did in the cell?” he asked.

“No,” I answered quickly.

“Is it the people here?”

I shook my head.

His features tensed. “Then is it about last night?”

“No,” I said without hesitation. Probably too quickly based on the sudden flare of light in his eyes. “I’m just a little tired.”

He watched me intently. “I’m not sure it’s that.”

“It is,” I told him. “It’s not what happened last night or anything else. You know I didn’t get a lot of sleep.”

He eyed me in a way that said he wasn’t quite sure he believed my response, but after a moment, he nodded. Stepping back, he motioned for Elijah to join us.

“I still think you’ll make good time,” Elijah said as he grasped Setti’s reins.

“Let’s hope so.” Casteel’s hands settled on my hips.

I froze.

“Put one foot in the stirrup,” he reminded me gently. “And then grab the horn. I’ll lift you.”

Feeling about seven different kinds of inadequate, I reached up and gripped the horn. Most people learned to ride by the time they hit their teens.

“You’re not familiar with horses, eh?” Elijah asked.

I shook my head, expecting to hear mockery in his tone, or at the very least, disbelief. I didn’t hear any of that.

“Never would’ve guessed that, seeing you over here all comfy with this temperamental ass.”

“Hey,” Casteel said. “You saying things like that is why he’s a temperamental ass towards you.”

Elijah laughed as Setti’s ears lowered. “Make sure he teaches you how to ride,” he said as Casteel lifted me with ease. “You seem like a natural.”

“That’s on an exceedingly long to-do list of things I plan to teach her,” Casteel replied as I settled in the saddle.

Did he really plan to do that? Excitement sparked. If I could ride and control a horse, I’d be able to travel easily once I was free. It would be a necessary skill, to be honest.

Wait.

What were the other things he planned?

The grin Elijah sent to Casteel didn’t go unnoticed. “I bet you do.”

Heat flooded my face, even though I only had an inkling of what the innuendo meant.

“You still think you’ll have the first group out within two days?” Casteel asked as he swung up behind me with startling ease. I was sure if I tried that, I’d end up belly-flopping across the saddle and then sliding off it.

“I hope to get the first group out by tomorrow morning,” Elijah told him.

“Good. I’ll be waiting for them to arrive in Spessa’s End before I continue on to Atlantia. At least then, I will feel a little better about crossing the Skotos,” he said. “But I don’t want you to wait too long. Just because the western roads are clear now, you know they won’t stay that way for long.”

“And you know I’m not leaving until the last one is well on the way home.”

Thinking of all the people being forced to abandon their homes saddened me. It didn’t matter that it had been planned long before my arrival. I’d sped up those plans.

“I know. That is why you’ve been entrusted with these people.” Casteel took the reins Elijah handed him. “I expect to see you home, my friend.”

“You will.” Elijah looked at me. “Keep our Prince in line and do so vigilantly. I expect to hear many stories that involve you throwing down with him.”

“You really don’t need to encourage her.” Casteel curled an arm around my waist, and a heartbeat later, I was nestled between his thighs, my back pressed to his front.

Although I hadn’t forgotten about the lack of personal space while on horseback, my memories of it had dimmed. I wasn’t sure I needed the cloak, but I knew from past experience that there was no point in sitting straight as a pole. All I would succeed in doing was causing my back to ache and my bones to feel jostled. And besides, I didn’t think a happy…fiancée would pull away from their intended husband.

And, truthfully, I didn’t want to. I had no idea how much of that desire had to do with avoiding how uncomfortable it would be, or if it was because of last night, his gift, the pantry, the secrets he shared, and all the moments in between.

Elijah bent his arm, pressing his fist to his heart. “From blood and ash.”

“We will rise,” Casteel finished, and my stomach dipped in response. Those words were the mark of the Dark One, his promise to his people and his supporters scattered throughout the kingdoms that they would rise once again.

Those words had once been a harbinger of chaos, the bringer of pain and death. And now, the Dark One sat behind me.

I was to marry him.

Temporarily.

And I’d allowed him to kiss me. To touch.

Because we were pretending.

None of this was real.

“Until next time.” Elijah bowed in my direction.

“I hope your travels are uneventful,” I said, surprising myself, and maybe even Casteel, because his arm tightened in response. I meant it, because…well, I liked the way Elijah always laughed.

Even when it annoyed me.

And the people here didn’t need to experience any more violence or heartbreak.

“As do I.” Elijah grinned, stepping back. “Though I doubt she needs it, keep her safe, Prince.”

“I always keep what is mine safe,” Casteel murmured, and my eyes narrowed as he gave Setti a soft nudge.

Setti trotted forward. The other three were waiting, and we ended up in the middle of the group as we rode out into the yard and passed the eerie warning the gods had left behind. My heart matched the steady thud of Setti’s hooves as I gripped the pommel.

“Where are your gloves?” Casteel asked.

I found my voice after a moment. “In the satchel.”

“They won’t do any good there.” He switched the reins to the hand that was at my waist, and then he was handing them over. “Spessa’s End is farther south. It will be warmer there.”

I took the gloves, slowly pulling them on while my heart leapt. Up ahead, the roofs of homes came into view. Sparing a look behind me, I saw only the edges of the stone keep before it too disappeared.

The mixture of nervousness and anticipation swirling inside me was a strange companion as I turned back around. In a few minutes, once we left the Rise surrounding New Haven, there would be no more chances to escape if I wanted to. We would be traveling too far to the east. I had to be fully committed to this deal I’d struck with Casteel—to his plan. Because now, there was no turning back.

“By the way, I’m not yours,” I told him. “I don’t belong to anyone but myself. Nothing changes that.”

“What if I just wanted a piece of you?” He shifted the reins to his other hand. “A tiny piece that belonged to me? I can think of a few I would love to have, Princess.”

My cheeks warmed. “I bet you can.”

His laugh was rough and deep. “Tell me what piece of you I can have. It can be any piece of your choosing. Whatever it is, I’ll take it.” His chin grazed my cheek. “It will be my most prized possession.”

I didn’t offer Casteel a piece of me as we rode forward, joining the others. There was no reason to because what he didn’t know was that he already held too many of them.

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